THE joke thread

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Tom

tonyb wrote: »

Those are the next poster's preferred pronouns.

From Facebook.


2 little ladies were sitting outside the nursing home one afternoon smoking. It started raing. One lady got a condom from her purse, cut the end off and put it over her cigarette. The other little lady asked what that was. She said a condim I put over my. Cigarette to keep it from getting wet. Where did you get that she asked? Oh, any drugstore has them. A couple days later the little lady was in her drug store. She walked up to her druggist and asked if he had condoms. He was a little surprised coming from a little 80 year old woman. Yes maam, i have them. Ok, I want a box. Ok, what kind you want? She said, I dont care what kind as long as they fit a camel!

1969....look at the audio gear.

I was drawing on a blank on that 4-speed Garrard.
I had the 33 1/3, 45, and 78 but..
....now I know. 👍🤗