THE joke thread

PSOVLSK

tonyb

tonyb

soundfreak1

Got any leftovers???

tonyb

tonyb

Thanksgiving Dinner

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Thanksgiving dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."

Thanksgiving comes around, the mom asks the boy to lead the family in saying grace. So the boy complied and starts praying, and praying, and praying. After a while the daughter leans over and quietly says to him "I had no idea you were so religious," to which the boy replies, "I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist."

mrbigbluelight

Oh...my sides are hurting....
....I think I broke some ribs...
...somebody call an ambulace
😁😅😂🤣🤣🤣🤣

tonyb

tonyb

audioluvr

So Tony. Everything all right at home? Asking for a friend.

tonyb

tonyb

tonyb

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

tonyb

treitz3

50 bucks...



Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

Tom

Tony M

Tony M

Tony M

Tony M

Tony M

You've heard of poking the bear...

Here's poking the scarabs.

A lot of us thought they were spiders.

https://www.facebook.com/reel/476756494350406/?s=single_unit&__cft__[0]=AZV2nrUgPaZkGNGZs13RDFABYTPaKcsefOx_eMhgAN3CaGcBb8CpN3e8TRrvMynys6dmrRnNLv0vXISgFyFqa5plhNRE4tjtjjFP2vuDeyWNxvAB3BGQCmjephtl2g7q4Y9VbhhBoLFIY1ARjbw2SteFvX6xrvc4DrKxkD9dJiAvzQ&__tn__=H-R

tonyb

OleBoot

DRINK DRIVING WARNING
I know we are all responsible adults, but this is a warning to be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends after work. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many pints and then topped it off with a couple of jaegerbombs. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before...
I left my motorbike in town and took a taxi home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalizer tests. Because I was in a taxi they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise..
I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

skipshot12

Bahahaaaaa…
I fell for it.

Tony M

nooshinjohn

What do you call a rock band formed by Catholic priests???



The Grateful Bread!

OleBoot

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer,
"How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week. Both farmers were worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife,
"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Viking64

^^^^ That's the CLEAN version of that pig joke.

audioluvr

I don't get it...

smartie_panta

audioluvr wrote: »

I don't get it...

You see here, son... When two pigs love each other very much, they....

nooshinjohn

audioluvr wrote: »

I don't get any....

Fixed….