THE joke thread

tonyb

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

Tony M

Tony M

Tony M

jdjohn

newbie308

tonyb

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

tonyb

treitz3

Tom

tonyb

tonyb

tonyb

tonyb

mrbigbluelight

Way back in the '60's, you could buy bull fighting bull testicles from a nearby butcher shop in Mexico but you had to be put on a wait list. When I was finally called, I went to the shop to pick up my purchase. The butcher handed me a small package and I remarked that the **** were smaller than I expected. He looked at me and said, " The bull doesn't always lose."

mrbigbluelight

tonyb wrote: »

Those are the next poster's preferred pronouns.

tonyb

I'm just back from Walmart I have to tell you this, I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He had his hands full with the child screaming for candies, toys and all sorts of other kiddo things.
The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”
Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say : “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Granddad says again in a controlled voice : “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”
Well, i was really impressed, so i went outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I said to the grandad “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”
“Thanks,” said the Granddad. “But I am William. The little ****’s name is Kevin."

NotaSuv

muncybob

Too TRUE!

vmaxer

From Facebook.


2 little ladies were sitting outside the nursing home one afternoon smoking. It started raing. One lady got a condom from her purse, cut the end off and put it over her cigarette. The other little lady asked what that was. She said a condim I put over my. Cigarette to keep it from getting wet. Where did you get that she asked? Oh, any drugstore has them. A couple days later the little lady was in her drug store. She walked up to her druggist and asked if he had condoms. He was a little surprised coming from a little 80 year old woman. Yes maam, i have them. Ok, I want a box. Ok, what kind you want? She said, I dont care what kind as long as they fit a camel!

tonyb

tonyb

1969....look at the audio gear.

audioluvr

tonyb wrote: »

4 speed Garrard? 33,45,78 and lawnmower! Sweet!

mrbigbluelight

I was drawing on a blank on that 4-speed Garrard.
I had the 33 1/3, 45, and 78 but..
....now I know. 👍🤗

tonyb

Dynakit 70....not bad, someone want to call that number, maybe it's still available after 53 years.

tonyb

treitz3

Oh, that's a guuudin'!

Tom

tonyb

tonyb

tonyb

Tony M

tonyb wrote: »

That is so true!

I did JUST THAT the other day deciding which brand to buy.

Audubon or Pennington. They were almost the same price. One at Lowe's and the other, at Home Depot.

I went with Pennington since they say they coat the seeds with multi-vitamins and minerals. I guess the birds lick the seed shells before cracking them...

Anyway, we've been feeding the birds Pennington seeds for the past few months and they !! them.

Even the neighbors have mentioned the constant bird activity at our feeding stations area.

I went to put new suet in the 2 feeder baskets and one little female yellow-bellied woodpecker just kept stuffing her beak/belly from a small section of suet that was left in one of the baskets while I stood 2 ft. from her waiting to put more in. She must've been starving or something.

Our personal to our yard, Bluebirds had a 3rd brood in the box in front of the cottage. I think that totaled 7 babies from that couple this year.

We're feeding about 10 finches all day long. I think they were born and since then, they feed all day long at our feeders. It's probably all they know how to do. wake up, go to the feeders, then leave to go to sleep. Seriously.

They don't eat a ton but I wish I could claim them at tax time.