THE joke thread

Viking64

Q: Why do Swedish submarines have barcodes?

A: So when they get to port, they can Scandinavian.

treitz3

Tom

Tony M

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel.
She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says , "Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said "That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00."

She says, "That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register.

And in the meantime the woman farts.

At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

treitz3

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnnggg<<<<<< (telephone)
"Hello?"
"Hi honey this is Daddy Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Norman"
**After a brief pause**
Daddy says,
"you haven't got an Uncle Norman"
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now"
**Brief Pause**
"OK then, this is what I want you to do, put the phone down
on the table run upstairs knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"OK Daddy, Just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it, Daddy"
"And what happened, honey?"
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser now she isn't moving at all"
"What about your Uncle Norman?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too, he was scared and he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool, I guess he didn't know that you emptied the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
*****Long Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool?
Is this 486-5731?"
"No"
"OK sorry I think I have the wrong number"

Tom

tonyp063

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.​

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

Tony M

treitz3

Tom

tonyb

mrbigbluelight

,^^^🤣🤣🤣 LOL

nooshinjohn

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.


She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

warren

Nonsense

soundfreak1

Rang the bell on that one!

NotaSuv

NotaSuv

NotaSuv

Tony M

treitz3

Heck, I even passed Sammy Hagar driving 55mph the other day. That's when ya' know gas prices are high.

Tom

soundfreak1

Was he still driving his Maserati Bora?

Tony M

soundfreak1 wrote: »

Was he still driving his Maserati Bora?

Nice car.
100K to 200K.
There's a spare tire in the rear too.
I like the radio being on the left of the steering wheel.

Viking64

Yeah, but it was a black 1982 Ferrari Berlinetta Boxer.

soundfreak1

The Bora is more fun to drive though.

NotaSuv

treitz3

Tom

Tony M

treitz3 wrote: »

Tom

My brain is smoking.

Milito

NotaSuv

NotaSuv

treitz3

Tom

tonyb

tonyb