THE joke thread

OleBoot

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said,
"I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right
credentials . The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is P enis van L esbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van L esbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like P enis van L esbian! I'm telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he
left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for £50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him £50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it
with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like P enis van
L esbian .. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I
decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to
return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have
made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my
appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van D yke!

nooshinjohn

Henry was doing his math homework, muttering to himself:
“2 + 5, the son of a b*tch is 7.”
“3 + 6, the son of a b*tch is 9.”

His mother overheard and said,
“Henry! What is with all the cussing?!” 😳

“Oh Mom, don’t disturb me. I’m just doing my math homework.” ✏️🧠
“Is that how your teacher taught you?!” she asked.
“Yes, Mom.”

Fuming, she picked up her phone and called the teacher:
“Are you teaching kids by saying... 2 + 2, the son of a b*tch is 4?!” 😡📞

There was silence... then the teacher burst out laughing and said,
“What I said was... 2 + 2, THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4.” 😅🤣

OleBoot

A guy sees a fellow on a park bench talking to a little spider in a small box. To his amazement, the spider is talking back. He offers the fellow $1000 dollars for the spider, thinking he could make some money with the spider at the bar. The fellow agrees and the guy takes the spider home. When he gets home, he says to the spider, "How about we go down to the pub for a pint?" The spider doesn't answer. He asks again and there's no response. Beginning to think the fellow in the park was a ventriloquist and that he'd been duped he says loudly "I SAID, HOW ABOUT WE GO DOWN TO THE PUB FOR A PINT?" The spider says,
"I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my f king shoes."

OleBoot

Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"
they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh ****."

nooshinjohn

A young history student travels to visit a 93 year old native American man to learn about his life and record his memories for her finals project. They talked for what seemed like hours when an old woman walked into the room to offer tea and shortbread cookies, after which she left the room.

"Was that your wife?", the student asked.

The old man nodded affirmatively. "Yes she is. We have been married for almost 70 years now."

"May I ask her name?" the girl replied.

"Her name has deep cultural significant to my people." he replied. "She is called 'Three Horses.'"

"Did she get the name because she loves horses?" the girl asked.

"Oh no my dear, she was given the name because all she does is nag, nag, nag"...

Tony M

I'm in Home Depot and some little kid called me an old ****....

So if you're missing your kid...he's in the red LG dryer, isle 17!

nooshinjohn

True story... today my family took me out a couple days early to celebrate my upcoming BIG 60th!

I dropped everybody off at the door and went to part the car. Some knucklehead came in the parking area from the wrong direction. They parked in two spots because they could not figure out a three point turn. I managed to squeeze in and left just enough room for them to clear my car, and as I was getting out, along comes a Calabasas plastic bimbo Kardashian wannabee.

"Nice parking job", I said with sarcastic politeness as I was walking away. She fired back with the classic "a-hole! nobody was here when I parked!"

I said "oh. I'm sorry, I guess that makes it ok, but what about driving the wrong way in the parking lot? I guess I will just chalk that one off to you simply being stupid!"

muncybob

Reminds me of a female driver that drove about a mile right on my a** and then passed me to cut me off on just in time to take the exit. So I followed her into the Mall parking lot and as she got out of her car I rolled down my window and asked... did she have to go to a special school to learn to drive like an a**-hole or did it just come naturally to her. She had no idea what I was talking about.

treitz3

Tom

Tony M

A man walks into a bar. He pulls a little fellow — just under a foot tall — and a tiny piano out of his pocket.
He sets them on the bar, and the little guy starts playing Billy Joel tunes while he orders a drink. 🎹🍸
The bartender says, “That's incredible, where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?”

The guy says, “There’s a genie outside granting wishes. Bet he’s still there if you hurry!”

The bartender rushes outside. Minutes later, a flock of ducks fly in, causing mayhem. 🦆🦆🦆
The bartender comes back furious: “You didn’t tell me the genie was hard of hearing! I asked for a million bucks, not a million bloody ducks!”

The guy smirks, “Go figure - D'ya really think I asked for an 11 -inch pianist?”

nooshinjohn

I got banned from Weight Watchers for dropping a bag of M&Ms on the floor. Was the best game of Hungry Hippos I've ever seen!

pitdogg2

nooshinjohn wrote: »

I got banned from Weight Watchers for dropping a bag of M&Ms on the floor. Was the best game of Hungry Hippos I've ever seen!

Surprised you made it out alive.....

Viking64

Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight.

Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.