THE joke thread

AsSiMiLaTeD

I thought it would be a good idea to start an ongoing joke thread. If there's any interest, I'll have Justin make it a sticky.

No rules really, just try to keep it at least somewhat clean, or this will end up like the babe thread we had going a while back and get deleted.

We're not saints and this place isn't run by the Vatican, but I'm sure at least a moderate level of decency will be appreciated.

vmaxer

vmaxer wrote: »

Absolutely love it.

So, where did it go??

Tony M

decal wrote: »

I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

That's my father-in-law. He almost hit me when he switched lanes. He didn't know I was there.
I think he was 85 then. He's now 91 and doesn't drive.

Tony M

What do you call a cow with no legs?


































ground beef.

Tony M

What do you call a dog with no legs?


































Any name you want to, it still can't come to you.

Tony M

what's the name of the woman at your door with one leg?

































Ilene.

verb

Engineer humor!

nooshinjohn

An elderly man walks into confessional.
Elderly man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sin?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I’m Jewish.
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I’m 92 years old … I’m telling everybody.

nooshinjohn

An old beggar rummaging through the garbage out in the countryside finally found the good fortune that seemed to slip past him every time he got close. Sleeping inside an empty burlap sack was a Leprechaun, and he was not about to let him out of his sight...

“I gotcha!” The man loudly proclaimed, And don’t try and trick me cause I ain’t letting you out of my sight. Hand over your pot o gold!”

The pointy-eared little guy was aghast. “What kind of leprechaun do you think I am?” he replied.

“Don’t take me for a fool little man, everybody knows about leprechauns and their gold, now hand it over.”

“Heheheheheeeeee” The leprechaun squealed, “I have no gold, for I am the three wishes kind. What do you desire for your first wish, but remember, your worst enemy will get exactly double what I grant you... now what will it be.”

“Well, my worst enemy is a rat bastage by the name of Lightman”, the old man said, “but sure, I will take you up on your little offer. For my first wish, I would like a 15 room mansion filled with treasure.”

A blinding flash of light and there it was, and fifteen room mansion filled wish gold and cash, and a second later, a second, thirty room mansion right next door, filled with exactly double the wealth.

“For my second wish” the old man began, “I would like ten of the most beautiful women in the world”, and with a puff of smoke thirty incredibly beautiful women appeared and ten walked over to the side of the old man, while the rest sauntered over and stood next to a shocked and humbled Lightman.

Lightman walked over to the old man and gave him a big hug and thanked him for his generosity. “I never thought you liked me, in fact, I thought you hated me. What are you going to do with your last wish?” He inquired.

“Mister leprechaun, for my last wish, I would like you to reduce my sex drive by fifty percent.”....

lightman1

Damn your eyes, John!

Msabot1

verb wrote: »

Engineer humor!

Oooppppsss....someone's slide rule is a bit off...LMFAO!..

tonyb

I call B.S. on that pic. No engineer/bridge company would build to that last stage before going "oops". The supports don't even line up, and your going to lay the iron work ? Photo shopped for humor, and funny it is.

Wouldn't mind trying that jump though in a car....for the fun of it.

warren

Funny it is,,,,,

Tony M

M.C.Escher;

joecoulson

The General is doing a hospital visit for the Troops injured in battle.
He goes up to the first soldier and ask’s “what happened to you son?”
The soldier replied “Hemorrhoids sir”
The General winces and asks “sorry to hear soldier, what’s your treatment?”
Soldier says “well, I have this toothbrush, I dip it in Chloric acid and I scrub my butt”
The General raises his eyebrows but then asks “what’s your ambition in life?”
The soldier replies while saluting “to be a good GI sir!”
The General salutes the man and walks to the next soldier.
“Whatcha in for son?” Says the General.
This soldier replies “Venereal disease sir!”
Again the General winces in slight disgust and asks “what’s the treatment soldier?”
“Well, I got this toothbrush, I dip it in Chloric acid and I scrub my scabs” says the man
General says “we’ll ok then! , what’s your ambition in life?”
“To be a good GI sir!” And salute’s the General
At this point the General is all choked up and proud as he walks to the next soldier.
“Whatcha in for son?” He asks
The next soldier muffles something inaudible to the General. In turn he asks, “speak up soldier can’t hear you?”
The soldier replies very difficultly “strep throat sir”
“Ah” said the General “what’s that treatment?”
“Well sir, I got this toothbrush, I dip it in Chloric acid and I scrub my throat” says the GI
“That’s good son” replies the General “and what’s your ambition in life?”
The soldier replies “to get the toothbrush before the other two bas**ds!”

Tony M

This is marriage all right.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10158209175469199&set=gm.2290477717694361&type=3&eid=ARBEKVUkQ4M8dq09A7PxmpqAkV3Iam17-2f-D2yXN7wNIA0SyyHYcYR_zIHcadNSWfGJ24IW5tyDpsw9&ifg=1

OleBoot

“Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s not unusual."

A man walks into a doctor's surgery, with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asked.
“You’re not eating properly”, replied the doctor.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream. There was only one thing bothering me,and that was
her best friend. She was smart, beautiful and sexy, and sometimes flirted with me, which made me uncomfortable.

One day her friend called me up. She asked me to come over to her place to help with completing the wedding invitation list. So I went. She was alone. When I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was to be married to her best friend, and she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I married and committed my life to her friend, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock; I couldn't say a word. Then she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come up and join me.

I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. My girlfriend was standing outside, with tears in her eyes. She hugged me and said, I am very happy; you have passed my little test. I couldn't have asked for a better man as a husband.

Lesson: Always keep your condoms in the car.



It is the night before Christmas and everyone is racing home to finish the preparations for the festive season. A woman and a man are involved in a terrible car accident. It's a really bad one - both the cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

As they crawl out of their cars, the woman says: Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left of them, but fortunately we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

The woman continues: "And, look at this - another miracle! My car is completely destroyed, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune in surviving the crash and meeting one another".

Then she hands the bottle of wine to the man. He nods his head in agreement, opens the bottle, drinks half of it, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks: "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies: "No, I think I'll just wait for the police ..."


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure: you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it".


Three guys are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

First guy: "I would like someone to say 'He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous'."

Second guy: "I would like someone to say 'He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners'."

Third guy: "I would want someone to say 'Look, he's moving'."


A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?" His mother replied, "Not yet".

Tony M

Marriage in the later stages;

Tony M

This made me smile.
It's in that Audioholics link I posted a minute ago about possible speaker's low impendences in the NAD thread.

If you own speakers and you have ever…
1) done a smoky burnout in a McDonald’s parking lot;
2) leaped into a backyard pool from a nearby garage roof;
3) stood directly in front of the P.A. stacks at a Weezer concert; or
4) yelled to friends, “Hey, y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”
…you should probably read this article. You’re the guy most likely to blow up your speakers, and it’s totally your fault.
“How many watts will my speakers hold??”

warren

I know consequences when I see them..

Tony M

I sure missed a bunch in my life!!!

Tony M

Here's one about getting pulled over that's a little cleaner.

verb

verb

A man was riding on a full bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here"

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid, make up your mind, I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

joecoulson

Lmao!!

nooshinjohn

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

nooshinjohn

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.

verb

A married couple were sitting at a table at a high school reunion, curiously, she kept
staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes",she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split
up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My Gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"

Tony M

verb

An elderly, but hardy, cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She took his advice and did this religiously. She lived to the ripe old age of 103.

She left behind 11 children, 30 grandchildren, 41 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren..... and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be!

ken brydson

Grandpa The Gambler

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"😀