THE joke thread

AsSiMiLaTeD
AsSiMiLaTeD Posts: 11,695
edited August 2014 in The Clubhouse
I thought it would be a good idea to start an ongoing joke thread. If there's any interest, I'll have Justin make it a sticky.

No rules really, just try to keep it at least somewhat clean, or this will end up like the babe thread we had going a while back and get deleted.

We're not saints and this place isn't run by the Vatican, but I'm sure at least a moderate level of decency will be appreciated.
Post edited by AsSiMiLaTeD on

Comments

  • vmaxer
    vmaxer Posts: 4,889
    vmaxer wrote: »
    Absolutely love it.

    So, where did it go??
    Pio Elete Pro 520
    Panamax 5400-EX
    Sunfire TGP 5
    Micro Seiki DD-40 - Lyra-Dorian and Denon DL-160
    PS Audio GCPH phono pre
    Sunfire CG 200 X 5
    Sunfire CG Sig 405 X 5
    OPPO BDP-83 SE
    SDA SRS 1.2TL Sonicaps and Mills
    Ctr CS1000p
    Sur - FX1000 x 4
    SUB - SVS PB2-Plus

    Workkout room:
    Sony Bravia XBR- 32-Inch 1080p
    Onkyo TX-DS898
    GFA 555
    Yamaha DVD-S1800BL/SACD
    Ft - SDA 1C

    Not being used:
    RTi 38's -4
    RT55i's - 2
    RT25i's -2, using other 2 in shop
    LSI 15's
    CSi40
    PSW 404
  • Tony M
    Tony M Posts: 9,644
    edited January 2018
    decal wrote: »
    I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
    I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
    new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
    I'm half blind,
    can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
    take 40 different medications that
    make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
    Have bouts with dementia.
    Have poor circulation;
    hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
    Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
    Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
    I still have my driver's license.

    That's my father-in-law. He almost hit me when he switched lanes. He didn't know I was there. :o
    I think he was 85 then. He's now 91 and doesn't drive.
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • Tony M
    Tony M Posts: 9,644
    What do you call a cow with no legs?


































    ground beef.
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • Tony M
    Tony M Posts: 9,644
    What do you call a dog with no legs?


































    Any name you want to, it still can't come to you. :s
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • Tony M
    Tony M Posts: 9,644
    what's the name of the woman at your door with one leg?

































    Ilene. :s
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • verb
    verb Posts: 9,975
    Engineer humor! :smile:
    ckwl1vgxeh2z.png
    Basement: Polk SDA SRS, Cary SLP-05 Pre with ultimate upgrade,Enlightened Audio Designs CD Transport, Northstar Designs Excelsio DAC, Cambridge 851N streamer, Marantz SA-14 SACD, McIntosh MC300 Amp, Silnote Morpheus Ref2 Digital Cables, Furman 15PFi Power Conditioner, Pangea Power Cables, Wireworld Oasis 8 RCA IC's, MIT Shotgun S3 IC's, MIT Shotgun S1 Bi-Wire speaker cables
    Office: PC, EAR Acute CD Player, EAR 834L Pre, Northstar Designs Intenso DAC, PASS ACA Monoblocks, Denon UDR-F10 Cassette, Acoustic Technologies Classic FR Speakers, SVS SB12 Plus sub, MIT AVt2 speaker cables, IFI Purifier2, AQ Cinnamon USB cable, Groneberg Quatro Reference IC's
    Spare Room: Antique Sound Labs Wave AV-8 Monoblocks, Tisbury Mini Passive Pre, Tjoeb 99 tube CD player (modified Marantz CD-38), Analysis Plus Oval 9's, Zu Jumpers, AudioEngine B1 Streamer, Klipsch RB-61 v2, SVS PB1000 sub, Blue Jeans RCA IC's, Shunyata Hydra 8 Power Conditioner
    Living Room: Peachtree Nova Integrated, Cambridge CXN v2 Streamer, Rotel RCD-1072 CD player, Furman 15PFi Power Conditioner, Polk RT265 In Wall Speakers, Polk DSW Pro 660wi sub
    Garage: Cambridge Audio 640A Integrated Amp, Project Box-E BT Streamer, Polk Tsi200 Bookies, Douglas Speaker Cables, Shunyata Power Conditioner
  • nooshinjohn
    nooshinjohn Posts: 22,994
    edited May 2018
    An old beggar rummaging through the garbage out in the countryside finally found the good fortune that seemed to slip past him every time he got close. Sleeping inside an empty burlap sack was a Leprechaun, and he was not about to let him out of his sight...

    “I gotcha!” The man loudly proclaimed, And don’t try and trick me cause I ain’t letting you out of my sight. Hand over your pot o gold!”

    The pointy-eared little guy was aghast. “What kind of leprechaun do you think I am?” he replied.

    “Don’t take me for a fool little man, everybody knows about leprechauns and their gold, now hand it over.”

    “Heheheheheeeeee” The leprechaun squealed, “I have no gold, for I am the three wishes kind. What do you desire for your first wish, but remember, your worst enemy will get exactly double what I grant you... now what will it be.”

    “Well, my worst enemy is a rat bastage by the name of Lightman”, the old man said, “but sure, I will take you up on your little offer. For my first wish, I would like a 15 room mansion filled with treasure.”

    A blinding flash of light and there it was, and fifteen room mansion filled wish gold and cash, and a second later, a second, thirty room mansion right next door, filled with exactly double the wealth.

    “For my second wish” the old man began, “I would like ten of the most beautiful women in the world”, and with a puff of smoke thirty incredibly beautiful women appeared and ten walked over to the side of the old man, while the rest sauntered over and stood next to a shocked and humbled Lightman.

    Lightman walked over to the old man and gave him a big hug and thanked him for his generosity. “I never thought you liked me, in fact, I thought you hated me. What are you going to do with your last wish?” He inquired.

    “Mister leprechaun, for my last wish, I would like you to reduce my sex drive by fifty percent.”....

    The Gear... Carver "Statement" Mono-blocks, TriangleArt Reference SE with Pass Labs Xono Phono Preamp, Walker Precision Motor Drive, ClearAudio Goldfinger Statement V2 cartridge and Origin Conqueror Mk3c tonearm, Polk Audio "Signature" Reference Series 1.2TL with complete mods, Pass Labs X0.2 three chassis preamp, PS Audio PerfectWave DAC MkII, Pioneer Elite SC-LX701, Oppo UDP-205 4K Blu-ray player, Sony XBR70x850B 4k, Polk audio AB800 "in-wall" surrounds.

    “Every record has been destroyed or falsified, every book has been rewritten, every picture has been repainted, every statue and street building has been renamed, every date has been altered…History has stopped. Nothing exists except the endless present in which the party is always right” — George Orwell

    “If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
  • lightman1
    lightman1 Posts: 10,649
    Damn your eyes, John! :D:D
  • Msabot1
    Msabot1 Posts: 2,098
    verb wrote: »
    Engineer humor! :smile:
    ckwl1vgxeh2z.png

    Oooppppsss....someone's slide rule is a bit off...LMFAO!..
  • tonyb
    tonyb Posts: 32,306
    I call B.S. on that pic. No engineer/bridge company would build to that last stage before going "oops". The supports don't even line up, and your going to lay the iron work ? Photo shopped for humor, and funny it is.

    Wouldn't mind trying that jump though in a car....for the fun of it.
    HT SYSTEM-
    Sony 850c 4k
    Pioneer elite vhx 21
    Sony 4k BRP
    SVS SB-2000
    Polk Sig. 20's
    Polk FX500 surrounds

    Cables-
    Acoustic zen Satori speaker cables
    Acoustic zen Matrix 2 IC's
    Wireworld eclipse 7 ic's
    Audio metallurgy ga-o digital cable

    Kitchen

    Sonos zp90
    Grant Fidelity tube dac
    B&k 1420
    lsi 9's
  • warren
    warren Posts: 746
    Funny it is,,,,,
    Some final words,
    "If you keep banging your head against the wall,
    you're going to have headaches."
    Warren
  • Tony M
    Tony M Posts: 9,644
    M.C.Escher;
    k4c9i167vstp.png
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • joecoulson
    joecoulson Posts: 4,950
    The General is doing a hospital visit for the Troops injured in battle.
    He goes up to the first soldier and ask’s “what happened to you son?”
    The soldier replied “Hemorrhoids sir”
    The General winces and asks “sorry to hear soldier, what’s your treatment?”
    Soldier says “well, I have this toothbrush, I dip it in Chloric acid and I scrub my butt”
    The General raises his eyebrows but then asks “what’s your ambition in life?”
    The soldier replies while saluting “to be a good GI sir!”
    The General salutes the man and walks to the next soldier.
    “Whatcha in for son?” Says the General.
    This soldier replies “Venereal disease sir!”
    Again the General winces in slight disgust and asks “what’s the treatment soldier?”
    “Well, I got this toothbrush, I dip it in Chloric acid and I scrub my scabs” says the man
    General says “we’ll ok then! , what’s your ambition in life?”
    “To be a good GI sir!” And salute’s the General
    At this point the General is all choked up and proud as he walks to the next soldier.
    “Whatcha in for son?” He asks
    The next soldier muffles something inaudible to the General. In turn he asks, “speak up soldier can’t hear you?”
    The soldier replies very difficultly “strep throat sir”
    “Ah” said the General “what’s that treatment?”
    “Well sir, I got this toothbrush, I dip it in Chloric acid and I scrub my throat” says the GI
    “That’s good son” replies the General “and what’s your ambition in life?”
    The soldier replies “to get the toothbrush before the other two bas**ds!”
  • OleBoot
    OleBoot Posts: 771
    “Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.”
    “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
    “Is it common?”
    “It’s not unusual."

    A man walks into a doctor's surgery, with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
    “What’s the matter with me?” he asked.
    “You’re not eating properly”, replied the doctor.

    A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

    I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream. There was only one thing bothering me,and that was
    her best friend. She was smart, beautiful and sexy, and sometimes flirted with me, which made me uncomfortable.

    One day her friend called me up. She asked me to come over to her place to help with completing the wedding invitation list. So I went. She was alone. When I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was to be married to her best friend, and she had
    feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I married and committed my life to her friend, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock; I couldn't say a word. Then she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come up and join me.

    I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. My girlfriend was standing outside, with tears in her eyes. She hugged me and said, I am very happy; you have passed my little test. I couldn't have asked for a better man as a husband.

    Lesson: Always keep your condoms in the car.



    It is the night before Christmas and everyone is racing home to finish the preparations for the festive season. A woman and a man are involved in a terrible car accident. It's a really bad one - both the cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

    As they crawl out of their cars, the woman says: Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left of them, but fortunately we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

    The woman continues: "And, look at this - another miracle! My car is completely destroyed, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune in surviving the crash and meeting one another".

    Then she hands the bottle of wine to the man. He nods his head in agreement, opens the bottle, drinks half of it, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks: "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies: "No, I think I'll just wait for the police ..."


    So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

    I said "Sure: you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it".


    Three guys are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

    First guy: "I would like someone to say 'He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous'."

    Second guy: "I would like someone to say 'He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners'."

    Third guy: "I would want someone to say 'Look, he's moving'."


    A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?" His mother replied, "Not yet".
  • Tony M
    Tony M Posts: 9,644
    Marriage in the later stages;
    n5zkm1q1j8lq.png
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • Tony M
    Tony M Posts: 9,644
    edited October 2018
    This made me smile. :D
    It's in that Audioholics link I posted a minute ago about possible speaker's low impendences in the NAD thread.

    If you own speakers and you have ever…
    1) done a smoky burnout in a McDonald’s parking lot;
    2) leaped into a backyard pool from a nearby garage roof;
    3) stood directly in front of the P.A. stacks at a Weezer concert; or
    4) yelled to friends, “Hey, y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”
    …you should probably read this article. You’re the guy most likely to blow up your speakers, and it’s totally your fault.
    “How many watts will my speakers hold??”
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • warren
    warren Posts: 746
    I know consequences when I see them..
    Some final words,
    "If you keep banging your head against the wall,
    you're going to have headaches."
    Warren
  • Tony M
    Tony M Posts: 9,644
    I sure missed a bunch in my life!!! :s:#:'(
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • Tony M
    Tony M Posts: 9,644
    Here's one about getting pulled over that's a little cleaner. :D
    yk5tf9zelk6e.png
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • verb
    verb Posts: 9,975
    enlfsl30xrwq.png
    Basement: Polk SDA SRS, Cary SLP-05 Pre with ultimate upgrade,Enlightened Audio Designs CD Transport, Northstar Designs Excelsio DAC, Cambridge 851N streamer, Marantz SA-14 SACD, McIntosh MC300 Amp, Silnote Morpheus Ref2 Digital Cables, Furman 15PFi Power Conditioner, Pangea Power Cables, Wireworld Oasis 8 RCA IC's, MIT Shotgun S3 IC's, MIT Shotgun S1 Bi-Wire speaker cables
    Office: PC, EAR Acute CD Player, EAR 834L Pre, Northstar Designs Intenso DAC, PASS ACA Monoblocks, Denon UDR-F10 Cassette, Acoustic Technologies Classic FR Speakers, SVS SB12 Plus sub, MIT AVt2 speaker cables, IFI Purifier2, AQ Cinnamon USB cable, Groneberg Quatro Reference IC's
    Spare Room: Antique Sound Labs Wave AV-8 Monoblocks, Tisbury Mini Passive Pre, Tjoeb 99 tube CD player (modified Marantz CD-38), Analysis Plus Oval 9's, Zu Jumpers, AudioEngine B1 Streamer, Klipsch RB-61 v2, SVS PB1000 sub, Blue Jeans RCA IC's, Shunyata Hydra 8 Power Conditioner
    Living Room: Peachtree Nova Integrated, Cambridge CXN v2 Streamer, Rotel RCD-1072 CD player, Furman 15PFi Power Conditioner, Polk RT265 In Wall Speakers, Polk DSW Pro 660wi sub
    Garage: Cambridge Audio 640A Integrated Amp, Project Box-E BT Streamer, Polk Tsi200 Bookies, Douglas Speaker Cables, Shunyata Power Conditioner
  • verb
    verb Posts: 9,975
    A man was riding on a full bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

    The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

    Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here"

    A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid, make up your mind, I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
    Basement: Polk SDA SRS, Cary SLP-05 Pre with ultimate upgrade,Enlightened Audio Designs CD Transport, Northstar Designs Excelsio DAC, Cambridge 851N streamer, Marantz SA-14 SACD, McIntosh MC300 Amp, Silnote Morpheus Ref2 Digital Cables, Furman 15PFi Power Conditioner, Pangea Power Cables, Wireworld Oasis 8 RCA IC's, MIT Shotgun S3 IC's, MIT Shotgun S1 Bi-Wire speaker cables
    Office: PC, EAR Acute CD Player, EAR 834L Pre, Northstar Designs Intenso DAC, PASS ACA Monoblocks, Denon UDR-F10 Cassette, Acoustic Technologies Classic FR Speakers, SVS SB12 Plus sub, MIT AVt2 speaker cables, IFI Purifier2, AQ Cinnamon USB cable, Groneberg Quatro Reference IC's
    Spare Room: Antique Sound Labs Wave AV-8 Monoblocks, Tisbury Mini Passive Pre, Tjoeb 99 tube CD player (modified Marantz CD-38), Analysis Plus Oval 9's, Zu Jumpers, AudioEngine B1 Streamer, Klipsch RB-61 v2, SVS PB1000 sub, Blue Jeans RCA IC's, Shunyata Hydra 8 Power Conditioner
    Living Room: Peachtree Nova Integrated, Cambridge CXN v2 Streamer, Rotel RCD-1072 CD player, Furman 15PFi Power Conditioner, Polk RT265 In Wall Speakers, Polk DSW Pro 660wi sub
    Garage: Cambridge Audio 640A Integrated Amp, Project Box-E BT Streamer, Polk Tsi200 Bookies, Douglas Speaker Cables, Shunyata Power Conditioner
  • nooshinjohn
    nooshinjohn Posts: 22,994
    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
    'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

    For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box '

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
    The Gear... Carver "Statement" Mono-blocks, TriangleArt Reference SE with Pass Labs Xono Phono Preamp, Walker Precision Motor Drive, ClearAudio Goldfinger Statement V2 cartridge and Origin Conqueror Mk3c tonearm, Polk Audio "Signature" Reference Series 1.2TL with complete mods, Pass Labs X0.2 three chassis preamp, PS Audio PerfectWave DAC MkII, Pioneer Elite SC-LX701, Oppo UDP-205 4K Blu-ray player, Sony XBR70x850B 4k, Polk audio AB800 "in-wall" surrounds.

    “Every record has been destroyed or falsified, every book has been rewritten, every picture has been repainted, every statue and street building has been renamed, every date has been altered…History has stopped. Nothing exists except the endless present in which the party is always right” — George Orwell

    “If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
  • nooshinjohn
    nooshinjohn Posts: 22,994
    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

    'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

    The priest thought long and hard and then said,
    'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.
    The Gear... Carver "Statement" Mono-blocks, TriangleArt Reference SE with Pass Labs Xono Phono Preamp, Walker Precision Motor Drive, ClearAudio Goldfinger Statement V2 cartridge and Origin Conqueror Mk3c tonearm, Polk Audio "Signature" Reference Series 1.2TL with complete mods, Pass Labs X0.2 three chassis preamp, PS Audio PerfectWave DAC MkII, Pioneer Elite SC-LX701, Oppo UDP-205 4K Blu-ray player, Sony XBR70x850B 4k, Polk audio AB800 "in-wall" surrounds.

    “Every record has been destroyed or falsified, every book has been rewritten, every picture has been repainted, every statue and street building has been renamed, every date has been altered…History has stopped. Nothing exists except the endless present in which the party is always right” — George Orwell

    “If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
  • verb
    verb Posts: 9,975
    A married couple were sitting at a table at a high school reunion, curiously, she kept
    staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"

    "Yes",she sighed,

    "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split
    up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

    "My Gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
    that long?" :smile:
    Basement: Polk SDA SRS, Cary SLP-05 Pre with ultimate upgrade,Enlightened Audio Designs CD Transport, Northstar Designs Excelsio DAC, Cambridge 851N streamer, Marantz SA-14 SACD, McIntosh MC300 Amp, Silnote Morpheus Ref2 Digital Cables, Furman 15PFi Power Conditioner, Pangea Power Cables, Wireworld Oasis 8 RCA IC's, MIT Shotgun S3 IC's, MIT Shotgun S1 Bi-Wire speaker cables
    Office: PC, EAR Acute CD Player, EAR 834L Pre, Northstar Designs Intenso DAC, PASS ACA Monoblocks, Denon UDR-F10 Cassette, Acoustic Technologies Classic FR Speakers, SVS SB12 Plus sub, MIT AVt2 speaker cables, IFI Purifier2, AQ Cinnamon USB cable, Groneberg Quatro Reference IC's
    Spare Room: Antique Sound Labs Wave AV-8 Monoblocks, Tisbury Mini Passive Pre, Tjoeb 99 tube CD player (modified Marantz CD-38), Analysis Plus Oval 9's, Zu Jumpers, AudioEngine B1 Streamer, Klipsch RB-61 v2, SVS PB1000 sub, Blue Jeans RCA IC's, Shunyata Hydra 8 Power Conditioner
    Living Room: Peachtree Nova Integrated, Cambridge CXN v2 Streamer, Rotel RCD-1072 CD player, Furman 15PFi Power Conditioner, Polk RT265 In Wall Speakers, Polk DSW Pro 660wi sub
    Garage: Cambridge Audio 640A Integrated Amp, Project Box-E BT Streamer, Polk Tsi200 Bookies, Douglas Speaker Cables, Shunyata Power Conditioner
  • Tony M
    Tony M Posts: 9,644
    7mlzpaz0ms2i.png
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
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