THE joke thread

Viking64

mrbigbluelight wrote: »

....that should have read
"a sammich". 👍

Wrong.

nooshinjohn

Near as I can tell, this is a true story…..

During a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well f#ckin' stop doin' it then ya bloody evil b#stard!"

mrbigbluelight

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/XeeHz81rQURRdjaL/?mibextid=xCPwDs

nooshinjohn

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "are all of those kids yours?"

He replies, " no. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

ken brydson

A new grocery store supercenter opened up by my house.
It has an automatic water system to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you go to the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of freshly mowed hay.
When you approach the egg cases, you hear chickens clucking and the air is filled with the scent of bacon, eggs and homemade biscuits cooking.
The veggie aisle features the smell of freshly roasted, buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

mrbigbluelight

I bet buying seafood there could be a bit of a problem too 🤔

Tony M

mrbigbluelight wrote: »

I bet buying seafood there could be a bit of a problem too 🤔

Our closest "Harris Teeter" had an HV AC system that sucked the air out of the seafood dept and sent it to the front doors on the right.

It wasn't a welcoming scent.

They did fix it.

It's been 20 years since I've smelled it except 10 ft. from the display counter.

mrbigbluelight

It wasn't a welcoming scent

Yes, but it reminds one of the warning that the witch Circe gave to Odysseus:
"She [Circe] said we must avoid the otherworldy Sirens; steer past their flowering meadow."

Yes, the flowery meadows have proven to be the downfall of many industrious young men, resulting in the loss of their homes and half of their hard earned wages !
😳👍

ken brydson

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

nooshinjohn

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.


Credit - original owner ( respect 🫡)

soundfreak1

Some great ideas there

billbillw

I may have done one or two of those a pranks when our town got it's first 24hr Super Kmart back in the early 90's. Its kinda fun to visit one of those places after last call at the bar.

treitz3

A department store where women can choose husbands.

In the entrance hangs an instruction that explains the rules how you can shop here: "The specialist shop may only be visited once. There are six floors with men whose characteristics are improving floor by floor. You can either choose a man from the floor you are on, or you can go one floor higher and look around. But you can’t go back to a lower floor that you’ve already left!”

Now a woman comes to this store to find a man.

On the first floor there is a sign: “These men have work!” She goes further.

On the second floor there is a sign: “These men have work and like children!” She’s curious, but she goes on.

On the third floor there is a sign: “These men have work, like children and look very good!”

“Wow,” the woman thinks, but feels forced to go on.

She goes to the fourth floor and reads: “These men have work, like children, look very good and help in the household!”

“Oh God, I can hardly resist,” she thinks to herself, but goes on anyway.

On the fifth floor she reads: “These men have work, like children, look very good, help in the household and are very romantic!”

The woman is close to staying, but then goes to the sixth floor and reads this sign: "You are visitor number 31,456,012. There are no men here. This floor exists only to show that it is impossible to satisfy a woman. Thank you for your visit to the husbands’ specialist shop. Goodbye!”

A specialist shop offering women has opened opposite. It also has six floors. On the first floor there are women who love sex. On the second floor women who love sex and have money.

The third to sixth floor has never been visited by a man.

Tom

txcoastal1

ken brydson wrote: »

A new grocery store supercenter opened up by my house.
It has an automatic water system to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you go to the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of freshly mowed hay.
When you approach the egg cases, you hear chickens clucking and the air is filled with the scent of bacon, eggs and homemade biscuits cooking.
The veggie aisle features the smell of freshly roasted, buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xkpb9bKr7w

nooshinjohn

My wife said that in order to have peace in our home, we have to learn how to leave our problems at the door. Now she’s angry because she’s locked outside….

pitdogg2

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Whoops 🤭

nooshinjohn

The CDC has found that beer contains traces of estrogen and other female hormones. Studies involving more than 1000 male participants, revealed that after consuming more than ten beers, the men were unable to drive and spoke in complete gibberish.

jdjohn

treitz3 wrote: »

On the fifth floor she reads: “These men have work, like children, look very good, help in the household and are very romantic!”

I thought the joke was going to be that there's no mention of those men actually preferring women...if you get my drift.

nooshinjohn

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife, “Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

😜😂😰

Kex

A little bit risqué, but I’m sure you guys can handle it… 😜

Kex

Another gem for your entertainment this weekend… 👇

Kex

Some comic relief to put everyone in the mood for the weekend… 👇

Kex

Some of you guys need to loosen up and laugh more… so… 👇

SeleniumFalcon

Walmart has decided to offer its customers quick, efficient and affordable dental care. There will be an express lane for people with 12 or less teeth.

tonyb

A friend of mine calls his wife 12. I said why do you call her that ?

He said,
She dozen cook, dozen clean, dozen want to have sex, dozen even like me.

Kex

👆 The last reason mentioned might explain why the first three aren’t happening… 🤔

tonyb

Why is it that women always have to feed their husbands ?

Because it's the law that all prisoners have to be fed.

Kex

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, “ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it” he replied, “but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son,

Anthony

A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving Mama

nooshinjohn

https://youtu.be/Vo5Sh5vD1pg?si=i6u23cB_Tihep15v

Kex

You guys still need some additional levity in your lives…