THE joke thread

Viking64

mrbigbluelight wrote: »

....that should have read
"a sammich". 👍

Wrong.

nooshinjohn

Near as I can tell, this is a true story…..

During a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well f#ckin' stop doin' it then ya bloody evil b#stard!"

mrbigbluelight

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/XeeHz81rQURRdjaL/?mibextid=xCPwDs

nooshinjohn

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "are all of those kids yours?"

He replies, " no. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

ken brydson

A new grocery store supercenter opened up by my house.
It has an automatic water system to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you go to the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of freshly mowed hay.
When you approach the egg cases, you hear chickens clucking and the air is filled with the scent of bacon, eggs and homemade biscuits cooking.
The veggie aisle features the smell of freshly roasted, buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

mrbigbluelight

I bet buying seafood there could be a bit of a problem too 🤔

Tony M

mrbigbluelight wrote: »

I bet buying seafood there could be a bit of a problem too 🤔

Our closest "Harris Teeter" had an HV AC system that sucked the air out of the seafood dept and sent it to the front doors on the right.

It wasn't a welcoming scent.

They did fix it.

It's been 20 years since I've smelled it except 10 ft. from the display counter.

mrbigbluelight

It wasn't a welcoming scent

Yes, but it reminds one of the warning that the witch Circe gave to Odysseus:
"She [Circe] said we must avoid the otherworldy Sirens; steer past their flowering meadow."

Yes, the flowery meadows have proven to be the downfall of many industrious young men, resulting in the loss of their homes and half of their hard earned wages !
😳👍

ken brydson

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.