THE joke thread

Willow

smartie_panta wrote: »

audioluvr wrote: »

I don't get it...

You see here, son... When two pigs love each other very much, they....

are makin' bacon!

Tony M

When You Bring Home the Wrong Food! 😂 RxCKSTxR Comedy Voiceover!

This man's Parrot doesn't like GENERIC bird seed one bit and lets him know it.

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=905501063961074&ref=sharing

Tony M

OleBoot

OleBoot

The difference between *Oo* and *oO*
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.
"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?
""Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.
""Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor.
I drew two circles like this: *O o*.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: *o O*.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your as*hole before prison.................."

tonyb

OleBoot

A Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the Garda.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Dublin airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the Kerryman how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid", the owner says.
“A tenner!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying fook. He's never been out of the garden."

tonyb

nooshinjohn

A father passing by his son's bedroom, noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was simply addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.


Love, your son,

Josh





P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

muncybob

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy.

His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won’t be getting any breakfast.

Well, he’s a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I???”

Willow

muncybob wrote: »

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy.

His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won’t be getting any breakfast.

Well, he’s a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I???”

Sucks that the dad won't get any Chinese food

tonyb

My son and I went to CVS to pick up a few things.my son noticed the display of condoms and he ask what they were.i told him men use them to have safe sex.he picked up the box that had 3 condoms in it and I told him that those were for boys still in highschool one for Friday,one for Saturday and one for Sunday.he then picked up the box that had six in it and I told him that box was for guys in college 2 for Friday,2 for Saturday and 2 for sunday.he then picked up the box that had 12 in it and I told him that box is for married men,1 for January 1 for February etc.

Viking64

When the son picked up the box with 12 in it, I thought he was going to say: "Mom uses one of these boxes each day of the week while you are at work."

OleBoot

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates...

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?," St. Peter asked the cowboy.

"Well, I can think of one thing", the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled 'Now back off or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago..."

soundfreak1

If sheep were allowed to vote they'd probably vote for the guy that feeds them, even though the same guy would slaughter them later!

vmaxer

Not sure if this link will work.



https://www.facebook.com/reel/584229593690302?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V&mibextid=uc01c0

nooshinjohn

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1026959608245442

Tony M

ONLY IN Wilmington, NC.

I went to the gas station to get a bottle of water and as I walked up, I noticed these 2 deputies watching a woman smoking while pumping her gas.

I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the deputies standing RIGHT there.. Anyway, I minded my own business and went in for the water.... As I was paying I heard someone screaming!! Man, I’m talking violent death screams!! I looked up and saw the woman's arm was on fire!!

She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts!!

When I got my drink and walked out the door the deputies had the woman on the ground putting the fire out!! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car.

I was thinking, arrested?? Shouldn’t she be in an ambulance, not a police car??

Being the nosey person I am, I asked the deputies what they were arresting her for.

The guy looked at me, dead serious, and said, "WAVING A FIRE-ARM IN PUBLIC!"



Now I want to know which of my friends actually read this to the end.
If you did, copy and paste this to see who believes you! Change it to your city😜🤣🤣

pitdogg2

I bet you tickle easily......

bcwsrt

Used to live in Wilmington. No change necessary.

ChrisD06

A snake walks into a bar.

The bartender asks: "How the hell did you do that?"

Tony M

pitdogg2 wrote: »

I bet you tickle easily......

wth does this mean?

Maybe you missed the message in the joke.

LampaLuampa

Hey Polk community!

Thought I'd chime in with a few audio-themed jokes for all of us sound enthusiasts:

Why did the speaker break up with the subwoofer?
It felt there was too much bass in their relationship!

Why do Polk Audio fans always stay calm?
Because they never lose their composure, especially when there's great sound!

What did the tweeter say to the woofer?
"You're all about that bass, and I'm all about that space!"

Why was the amplifier so positive?
It always believed in boosting the vibes!

What do you call a haunted Polk speaker?
A Polktergeist!

How do you compliment a Polk Audio owner?
"Your sound choice in audio is music to my ears!"

Here's to the power of good sound and great humor. 🎵

Best,

Viking64

mrbigbluelight

LampaLuampa wrote: »

Hey Polk community!

Thought I'd chime in with a few audio-themed jokes for all of us sound enthusiasts:

Why did the speaker break up with the subwoofer?
It felt there was too much bass in their relationship!

Why do Polk Audio fans always stay calm?
Because they never lose their composure, especially when there's great sound!

What did the tweeter say to the woofer?
"You're all about that bass, and I'm all about that space!"

Why was the amplifier so positive?
It always believed in boosting the vibes!

What do you call a haunted Polk speaker?
A Polktergeist!

How do you compliment a Polk Audio owner?
"Your sound choice in audio is music to my ears!"

Here's to the power of good sound and great humor. 🎵

Best,

Well, I'm going to file that under "WTF Was That ?" 😳

soundfreak1

Whew, I thought it was just me. LOL

tonyb

muncybob

Here's one you can share with the kids...........

Why is it that a nose cannot grow to be 12"??.............Because then it would be a foot

treitz3

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his: Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?" “Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." “Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."

"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba."


Tom

Geoff4rfc

This went over good while I was up in WA and Cali's were changing the housing market....

Three cowboys meet up in the woods, a WA cowboy, a California cowboy and a Texas cowboy.

As they sat next to their campfire, the Texan reaches into his knapsack and pulls out a bottle of Jack, chugs it down, throws it in the air, shoots it and says, "We have a lot of whiskey in Texas".

The Californian reaches into his bag, pulls out a boda bag and squeezed out every drop of wine, tosses it, shoots it and says, "We have a lot of wine in California".

The WA cowboy stands, shoots the California cowboy in the head and turns to the Texan and says, "We have a lot of Californians in WA".