Am I an A@@hole?

MrNightly

Coming up on 4 years this May.

mrbigbluelight

wingnut4772 wrote:

I said no. If that is the whole story it sounds like a fine day to me.

I was hoping to hear from at least one of the ladies on here, and it is very encouraging to hear that, from at least one female's perspective, MrNightly's efforts didn't fall into the "wrong", "bad", "evil", or "stupid" category.

An interesting exercise for this situation would be to reverse roles:
MrNightly is taken out by MrsNightly for a steak dinner because that is what she believes he will enjoy. While she knows he enjoys skating, it is extemely cold outside so she regrettably arranges an alternative activity.

He then posts on Club Polk his subsequent conversation with the Mrs, ie, he shares that he did cop an attitude and share his displeasure with her not being as romantic as she used to be, that he expected more than a nice steak dinner, etc.

Know what my vote would be then ?

CERTIFIED LUNKHEAD

I would have recommended the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" as an aid to possibly gaining some insight into women's psyches. I would have done that so he could understand that they approach situations differently than men and that is not necessarily a bad thing.
I would have correctly pointed out that he is lucky because, while the results may not have been what he wanted, she at least made an honest effort that showed some insight into his expressed personal likes and dislikes.

I would NOT have suggested that SHE was wrong, that she should have been better at GUESSING what MrNightly wanted.

So: put the situation back as it really occurred, and the same advice holds true.

I have experienced and I have seen the "You should know what I want without me expressing it" syndrome in quite a number of other men.
Up to a point, that is true. A spouse should have some insight to their significant others wants/needs/likes if they are interested in them.
BUT after a certain point, that attitude is ABUSIVE.

Guess wrong, no matter how hard you try to guess and no matter how honest your effort, and you're supposed to feel bad ? I don't think so.

My suggestion on what to do now:

1. Go to her and honestly apologize for the post-dinner date argument.
" Honey, can I talk with you for a minute, please ?
After our dinner the other night, I said some things in anger in the
car that I'd like to apologize for. I'm sorry".

NOTE: You can say that because it is true. You are, obviously, sorry
that there was an argument.

2. Than ask her if you can share something with her:
" Can I share something with you ? It made me kind of sad that I hoped
that my arrangements would have worked out better than they did.
The thing that made me kind of sad is that it seemed like you thought
I hadn't put any effort into that night. The thought that my efforts
weren't 'good enough' for you actually made me kind of frightened,
and when you started speaking of how things 'used to be' I became
so frightened (for lack of a better word) that I lashed out verbally
at you. I was wrong to have done that."

NOTE: at this point, hopefully she will be providing some feedback,
some input.

3. If she criticizes you choice for dinner spots, share with her why you
made that choice:
"Remember that time we went to XYZ for that steak dinner, and
*fill-in-the-blank-with-a-personal-insight-that-had-made-it-a-
good-experience* ? I thought of how you said you liked steak
dinners, and that time, and I thought it would be kind of fun to
do that again".

You get the general idea. Let her talk, make her talk: don't be afraid of
uncomfortably long pauses in the conversation. She'll eventually talk.
And when SHE talks, you'll begin to get at the root of what is REALLY
bothering her.

Finally, a good rule of thumb is all the talking is this:
It doesn't matter at all that she is shown that you're right (which I believe you are), but that you both discover what is wrong.

She's the source to discovering that, so she needs to open up. Let her.

"Well, I was just so upset because earlier in the day my
best girlfriend, Betty Sue, told me that there is no Easter Bunny !!

At this point, you'd be correct in opining that:

"WTF !! All this crap was over the fact that there is no Easter Bunny ?!?! Son of a **** !!!

...but don't. Correctly consider yourself lucky at that point that it all was over something that is not substantial and solutions are easily within reach.


....if anyone has read this far, ....... I'm not wearing any pants !!

:rolleyes:

mrbigbluelight

One caveat emptor to my previous marital advice:

My ex-wife went all the way to New Zealand; keep that in mind when considering any advice I have regarding women.

snow

MrNightly wrote:

Ok. Three weeks ago, the wife tells me she wants me to plan this entire valentines day out for a romantic evening. I told her I wanted to plan it out together. She continued to nag off and on about how she wanted me to do everything, and I continually told her I thought that V-day was best for both of us to do something. So anyways, I had planned on taking her Ice-skating after dinner, because she really likes that, but it was so freaking cold, I just couldn't. So I scratched that part of my plan... Anyways, she said she would take care of the morning on V-Day (I was off work) and I would take care of the evening.

So she made me stay in bed while she cooked me some waffles and eggs, and I ate them in bed. I enjoyed it, but that was it. So I got my wife a boutique of flowers, two cards, and a big heart of chocolate... and then took her out to Hereford House for a big juicy steak without the kids for dinner... I didn't make reservations, so we had to wait an hour. No biggie I thought. We laughed and talked while we waited and seemed to have a good time.

Lets see here she made you breakfast. You bought her flowers, 2 cards, chocolate, and took her to dinner. looks like she spent an hour or so on you. you on the other hand probally spent at least 4 hours and a decent sum of money to purchase these items.

Ok the only problem i can see with dinner was perhaps the hour long wait versus reservations. It sounds like you were having fun at dinner. Then you went home. It seems that she wanted something extra after dinner that she didnt get. What that might have been i dont have a clue.

Perhaps she is insecure about you losing intrest in her, and wanted you to treat her like you were courting her. and because in her mind you didnt go the extra mile with little extras like making reservations and perhaps a hand written poem. and dancing afterwards or something of that nature.


Obviously she had built up a totally different scenario of how things should go on valentines day. I think the first warning signs that she wanted something out of the ordinary was the as you said constant naggings about you taking care of everything. meant I want to be treated like when we first met and how romantic you were then.

To you im sure you felt that you had done plenty to make her happy. To her it was a big let down. As to how to get back in her good graces, I wont give you advice there. She is your wife and im sure you know better than i how to do that.

I dont think your an A.h0le for doing what you done. I think you misread her wants and now you are paying the price is all. good luck to you. REGARDS SNOW

MSALLA

She wants to feel special and pamperd. It dosen't matter if the guy is right or wrong. WE ARE ALWAYS WRONG we are guys. Just make her feel like you did when you were dating for one day. Get it out of the way fast and get on with yourself. I don't understand it, but women have this need to feel special. The faster they do the faster you can get back to normal. Think of it like maint. on your car.

I voted NO by the way.

jdhdiggs

Still in the doghouse?

steveinaz

My wife (Bev) is nothing like the "thing" in my first marriage. Bev is very easy to get along with, and we rarely exchange gifts for anything--we don't need them. But, I still plan nice things for her, and buy her things to show my appreciation for how wonderful of a partner she is. I enjoy it. She will hardly ever buy anything for herself, so I watch her when she shops to see what she likes. We have a great relationship---so far removed from my first marriage, there just isn't any comparison.

We might go out for dinner on Valentines day, I may or may not get her a card---it doesn't really matter to her, because I show her genuine love all the time. It really comes down to your relationship with your woman. From what I can tell, my wife is not "typical" and I love that about her, and will always show my appreciation to her, for that.

My serious answer to this is, you should have put forth more effort. It sounds like to me, you threw something together last minute---and your wife derserves better than that. It's not about the money, it's about the intent, and the thought that went into what you plan. It's not about "score keeping" which I see alot of people doing; "she only did this, so you should only do that" kinda thing, it's wrong and it's petty, and most people use this excuse to justify themselves.

IMO, these gals that don't like what you bought them, complain, etc, probably weren't worth the trouble to begin with, and as Shack pointed out, there's a much larger problem in the background. If any of you have a relationship like that, I truly feel for you---cause you haven't found the right one yet. I speak from experience on this situation. Bottom line, if your partner is a constant source of grief for you, it's time to move on.

tonyb

" You have to find her chairs " Get it bro??:)

avguytx

I'm glad mine is low maintenance. I got her a card...she got me a little stuffed animal, a bottle of wine and a rose. Kind of cool. I just bought her a BIG diamond ring for Christmas and I said that pretty much did it for the year. She's cool with that, though. I hate Valentines day because it's almost like another Christmas where one has to bend over backwards to do crap that doesn't make a difference anyway.

All she did for you was make breakfast and you had to go to the extremities. Hmm...I guess my comment would have been for her to kiss my butt, too. lol

Skynut

BobMcG wrote:

First, you have her slide into a plush limo where a beautiful bouquet of roses, a box of chocolates and a little something from the jewelers awaits her.

Second, the limo delivers you to board a private jet where within you enjoy a bottle of champagne while en route to Pairs for a romantic, candlelit dinner at the Restaurant Le C

PhantomOG

Dennis Gardner wrote:

Forget 3 weeks notice, you were screwed at "I do".......

I'm thinking so too.

BIZILL

Give Her Some Angry Sex! Call Her Names In Your Mind. But Don't Slip And Call Her A **** Out Loud! You'll Feel Better. Imo.

tommyboy

I'm sure this has been said before but I really don't feel like reading through 4 pages:p .

Is all your wife like doing is eating and go ice skating?;) She definitely overreacted, but she still had some expectations for your night out. You could have done something last minute to fill in the gap, right.

My big question is, why didn't you tell her before dinner that you planned to go ice skating but couldn't? This would have lessened the blow and maybe you two could have decided what to do together...

Some women(though very few) could give a **** about VD(thats the way I like them:D ), but for the others, if you want something at the end of the night, you better get to work.:)

by the way, I voted no.

my 2 cents,
tommyboy

MrNightly

I'm thinking that maybe I should apologize for calling her a **** in the car on the way home, and telling her to eff herself as I flipped her the bird...she's peeved about that still.

************************************************

Amazing how I can type things when I'm at work... and I don't have access to the Internet. Amazing talent I have here.

Maybe I shouldn't have posted this online, but in all honesty, who gives a rat's rear-end who reads it? Not a single person on this site has or ever probably will meet my wife. She goes to her sites and posts stuff about our relationship, so I figured it would be ok to do the same here. Was it out of line? It was the club house after all, so I didn't think it was.

If a guy can't ask for opinions on things in his marriage... why bother? The facts still remain that the name calling was started by her side and ya know.. whatever... but from my original post, I said choice words were exchanged.

Honestly, our marriage has been on the rocks since we started. It's a hella of hard thing to make it work, as anyone who is married and still together knows... I didn't not mean for this thread to turn into a soap-opera, but it appears it has. My bad.

For those that think I'm an ****, I appreciate the honesty. It's given me something to examine and see if there is any truth in it. For those that didn't, just goes to show what you know

I won't post anything further in here, and keep my problems to myself... You can all thank me later.

Cheers.

petrym

MrNightly wrote:

I'm thinking that maybe I should apologize for calling her a **** in the car on the way home, and telling her to eff herself as I flipped her the bird...she's peeved about that still.

Then I should have voted "yes"...

brettw22

LOL.............it took 105 posts to get to the truth? tsk tsk tsk...........:P

hearingimpared

Ah man you forgot to mention that? Oh baby you have some ground to make up there Brother.

McLoki

When in a hole - stop digging. (post 105 indicates you dug faster with a larger shovel)

No fair asking for opinions with less than 1/2 of the story. I would still say you are not an ****, but it does sound like you and your wife were in a very close race for the title.

tommyboy

MrNightly wrote:

I'm thinking that maybe I should apologize for calling her a **** in the car on the way home, and telling her to eff herself as I flipped her the bird...she's peeved about that still.

I think his wife got on to this account to tell the true story;)

pblanc

There is entirely too much angst in this entire thread. First of all, who gives a **** who is right? It doesn't matter. Having a fight with your wife is like having a fight with your boss: if you lose, you lose. If you win, you lose, much worse. Bottom line is: You Lose! But it really isn't so bad. After many years of marriage a vetern husband can apologize profusely, and sincerely beg for forgiveness without giving it any thought whatsoever. I mean you can do this while watching a basketball game, reading a newspaper, listening to Elvin Bishop, whatever, without taking your mind off what you were doing at all. This is "multitasking" at its best! Hell, you don't remember 5 minutes later what you said, so you don't feel bad about it, and it gets her off your back. Everybody is happy! Now get past it and go watch a basketball game, or listen to some music.

mantis

Maybe I'm an **** but eff that ****. I'm sick and tired of all that kind of crap. Dude if you love your women and she loves you, you don't need a effin SPECIAL DAY to show it. Eff that man. Holidays anymore they drive me effin crazy.
My wife got me 2 cool **** cards and a Bullet for my Valentine t shirt. I got her a card 2 scratch off lottery tickets, some sexy stuff from Victoria Secrets( which is basically for me anyway) and we had a great day and night. We didn't do anything special.
Some women are like that Bro. If yours is I would put an end to that quick. Tell her about her attitude and she needs to calm the eff down.

I maybe alittle late on this thead but after reading your opening, it got to me.

Good luck with your ****.

Dan

cfrizz

Oh Nightly, I was really on the fence about this one! But now that you have posted your true reaction, I have to say YES you are an A$$Hole!

No doubt about it, your wife is kinda high maintenance. However, you had a 3WEEK notice in order to make reservations at a decent restaurant. And like a typical guy you didn't get off your butt in time to do so!

You should apologize for being rude, but also point out that Valentines Day is meant for couples & you really would have appreciated & wanted her input on how the day should go, so that both of you would be happy.

But on the other hand, with almost 4 yrs of marriage, you don't have any idea on what your wife would find romantic for a special night together?

That's kind of sad. I suggest you think back on your relationship & start paying more attention to small details.

cfrizz

Dan, I certainly don't hope you call your own wife a ****, if you do I hope she slaps you senseless!

Calling another man's wife a **** is disrespectful to the extreme!:(

mantis wrote:

Maybe I'm an **** but eff that ****. I'm sick and tired of all that kind of crap. Dude if you love your women and she loves you, you don't need a effin SPECIAL DAY to show it. Eff that man. Holidays anymore they drive me effin crazy.
My wife got me 2 cool **** cards and a Bullet for my Valentine t shirt. I got her a card 2 scratch off lottery tickets, some sexy stuff from Victoria Secrets( which is basically for me anyway) and we had a great day and night. We didn't do anything special.
Some women are like that Bro. If yours is I would put an end to that quick. Tell her about her attitude and she needs to calm the eff down.

I maybe alittle late on this thead but after reading your opening, it got to me.

Good luck with your ****.

Dan

hearingimpared

cfrizz wrote:

but also point out that VD is meant for couples

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa

See what happens when things are taken out of context!!!!:D

brettw22

It should probably be nightly that says yay or nay, but I find it hard to believe that any of y'all feel comfortable calling someone elses spouse names........

The situation as a whole sucked, but I woudln't go so far as to personally dig at a members spouse......even if the CPer did`

hearingimpared

cfrizz wrote:

Calling another man's wife a **** is disrespectful to the extreme!:(

Ditto!

opus

MrNightly wrote:

I'm thinking that maybe I should apologize for calling her a **** in the car on the way home, and telling her to eff herself as I flipped her the bird...she's peeved about that still.

Well it finally happened. I thought all these years that people were making this **** up. But I just got home from work, cracked a cold one and sat down to catch up on the CP soap opera and it happened. I spit beer on my keyboard reading this post.


To quote Michael Gross in Tremors II....."I feel I was denied critical, need to know information".....


I reserve my vote to hear what you said to her when you got home:D

Frank Z

I have been sitting here biting my tongue, trying not to post. But the more I read, I just can't keep quiet any longer.

First off, Yes MrNightly I think you're an A$$HOLE to the highest degree!! I don't feel this way because of what happened to you on Valentine's Day but because you are airing you and your wife's dirty laundry on a public forum. That lack of respect shouldn't be tolerated by ANY wife.

Calling another man's wife a **** is disrespectful to the extreme!

Cathy, I have to agree with you on this point 100%

Signed,
Debbie
(Frank's Wife)

cfrizz

It's a pleasure to make your aquaintance Debbie.:) I will tell you as I told Frank, he is a man that I would have had no question of introducing to my Dad! You are a very lucky woman to have married such a gentleman, they are very rare in this day & age!

Take care,
Cathy

Frank Z wrote:

I have been sitting here biting my tongue, trying not to post. But the more I read, I just can't keep quiet any longer.

First off, Yes MrNightly I think you're an A$$HOLE to the highest degree!! I don't feel this way because of what happened to you on Valentine's Day but because you are airing you and your wife's dirty laundry on a public forum. That lack of respect shouldn't be tolerated by ANY wife.


Cathy, I have to agree with you on this point 100%

Signed,
Debbie
(Frank's Wife)

Frank Z

cfrizz wrote:

I will tell you as I told Frank, he is a man that I would have had no question of introducing to my Dad! You are a very lucky woman to have married such a gentleman, they are very rare in this day & age!

You don't have to tell me that I'm lucky! There isn't a day when I haven't thanked the Lord above for bringing him into my life!
Debbie