THE joke thread

bcwsrt wrote: »

Used to live in Wilmington. No change necessary.

What the heck is she doing to that nozzle?

https://youtu.be/alz9GR6Ld_c?si=RGlDPnQrcL1jnLxk

A caring mother goes to check the stick her young daughter left on the bathroom counter a few minutes before, confirming that she is going to become a grandmother. She goes to the living room to share the news... the daughter becomes visibly upset, knowing her life as she planned it, was over.

"How can this be!?" the girl cries...

"Well... If the stork is the bird that delivers babies, which one prevents them?", the mother asks.

"How the hell am I supposed to know!" the frustrated girl fired back.

"Have you ever heard of the swallow?"

Why don't you want to iron your leprechaun?

You don't want to press your luck!!

One smart cookie...lol

pitdogg2 wrote: »

One smart cookie...lol

BTW I see what you did there

...and I'm offended. 🫣

pitdogg2 wrote: »

mrbigbluelight wrote: »

pitdogg2 wrote: »

One smart cookie...lol

BTW I see what you did there

...and I'm offended. 🫣

Would you like a ......cookie.....

Dough-n't get me started 🥴
Best we leven it alone 😁

...I need to take a nap 🛌

Why did the chicken cross the road ?











To prove to the possum that it was possible.

That's funny as hell. I know I'm sick but that's still funny as F.

My wife and I loved this.

SO YOU COWARDS think you're tough because you jumped me? Waited for me to be alone..... on my dang porch???? 😡 I still handled all of you, left 3 of you on the ground laid out!! You're lucky I don't have any marks on my face. I have some on my arms and neck, so what!!!! I bet you didn't expect me to swing back since it was six against one. I might be old but I'm not too old for this!!! Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I was getting tired of fighting and just wanted to go back in the house but I kept on swinging and made sure you got yours.. PUNKS!!!!! All I have to say is, you started this and I finished it.....
I hate mosquitos 🦟!! Mosquitos are not my friends!!!

REINCARNATION
by Wallace McRae

“What does Reincarnation mean?”
A cowpoke asked his friend.
His pal replied, “It happens when
Yer life has reached its end.
They comb yer hair, and warsh yer neck,
And clean yer fingernails,
And lay you in a padded box
Away from life’s travails.”

“The box and you goes in a hole,
That’s been dug into the ground.
Reincarnation starts in when
Yore planted ‘neath a mound.
Them clods melt down, just like yer box,
And you who is inside.
And then yore just beginnin’ on
Yer transformation ride.”

“In a while, the grass’ll grow
Upon yer rendered mound.
Till some day on yer moldered grave
A lonely flower is found.
And say a hoss should wander by
And graze upon this flower
That once wuz you, but now’s become
Yer vegetative bower.”

“The posy that the hoss done ate
Up, with his other feed,
Makes bone, and fat, and muscle
Essential to the steed,
But some is left that he can’t use
And so it passes through,
And finally lays upon the ground
This thing, that once wuz you.”

“Then say, by chance, I wanders by
And sees this upon the ground,
And I ponders, and I wonders at,
This object that I found.
I thinks of reincarnation,
Of life and death, and such,
And come away concludin’: ‘Slim,
You ain’t changed, all that much.'”

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. ☕️
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

It is also perfectly acceptable to let them know their special day would not be possible without us, so perhaps they should be taking us out for dinner in exchange for that breakfast in bed.

...

Chuck Norris went to a woman's rally and left with an ironed shirt and a sandwich.

....that should have read
"a sammich". 👍