In the dumps.... What to do need advise...

cincycat13

Good luck whatever you do! My ex split after 10 years. Arkansas is a no fault state. Cost me 50k to ditch her cheatin butt to get away clean...thank goodness no children involved. Why isn't divorce cheap...because it's worth it! (just a joke) I am re-married...2 kids...(3.5 years and 5 months)...just lost my job and I am still happier than I had been for a long time. I hope things work out...just saying there is life after and its just money...

Jstas

What can you do? Stop hangin' around here, that's for damn sure. If you have problems you think you can fix then you should be with your wife. Last I checked, this place was a sausagefest and your wife ain't here.

If you really think it's over, get an apartment you can afford by yourself, tell her to do the same, sell the house and suck up the debt. If both your names are on the loan and your 25K under it, 12.5K each and move on with life. It's too short to dick around with someone who isn't concerned about your well-being. Believe me, I know from experience.

NotaSuv

Been there.....sucks....does get better..hope all works out for the best in the long run and be glad there are no kids involved...I did the room mate thing for 2 years and it really helped with the bills and I had a great room mate.

snow

Most relationships fail due to one thing, a lack of communication. Whether she is unwilling or unable to communicate her needs to you or whether you are unwilling or unable to fill those needs when you find out what they are whatever they may be you need to find out what they are first and as mentioned it isnt working out the way things are now so it seems to me that you both need to see a marriage counsleor together and see if you cant work together on those things if she is unwilling to do so it will never work on your own. Sometimes people need to simply take a break from each other to think things out before attempting to patch things up. Perhaps try that for a bit before throwing in the towel.

Good luck to you whatever course you take.

REGARDS SNOW

wutadumsn23

Hope you get it figured out man, which ever way it goes. My wife and I have had our fair share of problems, esp. in the past few years. Being in the Military and being deployed constantly doesn't help, but I have been home for a year and a half now (Medical issues) and it hasn't seemed to help either, lol. Finding that special someone in life is not easy and if the two of you still feel that way about each other, you owe it to yourselves to try. Counsling may help, it may not only way to find out is to try, atleast that way you can say you tried everything if it does come to divorce. My prayers are with you man, and hope everything works out for you.

-Jeff

danger boy

Steve,

I say try and work it out... 18 years together is a long time... think back to when you met and what your core life was like.. I presume a happier time.

Sometimes these things take time to work out. If say after a certain amount of time, things are not improving.. then reassess and maybe face the fact that moving on with your own lives is the best thing.

THere is no telling a ways down the road, you to may remain good friends if you decide to separate in the end.

best of luck and I can only imagine how difficult the upcoming decisions will be. It's your future my friend. Sometimes you have to make your own happiness to move forward.

Fireman32

So sorry to hear Steve. I hope it all works out for you.

Knucklehead

I truly hope things work out for the best.

George Grand

Good luck Diz.

AudioGenics

"...hoping for the best for 'ya'..."

Willow

Steve, sorry to hear of your troubles.

All I can say is try to remember what it was that broguht the two of you together in the first place (if it was beer or wine then move on), if it's still there then you(both) should try to work it out. Then also ask yourself, are you IN LOVE with her as opposed as to just loving her? Get her to ask herself the same. As for the debt, you could rent out the house while you both live in your own places till you figure out what works. As for seeing someone, you both need to be doing it together, if she can't make up her mind, she doesn't want this to work or is affraid of facing the truth with you. Either way, be it good or bad, you need to talk so you can both figure out what's best and move on be it together or seperate.

Thoughts are with you Steve.

coolsax

Good luck man, I hope it works out for the best, whichever way the best is for you. I think if you really want to work on it and she wants to work on it (though it really sounds like she's checked out) Then you both need to go to couples and probably individual counseling (and do NOT use your couples counselor as your individual one) and she needs to leave the quack that she's currently seeing that tells her the "writing's on the wall". However if she thinks her counselors right and doesn't want to work anymore there's really not much you can do except get your finances in order, b/c i'm sure she's doing the same, and I would say Lawyer up. I'm sure whatever friends she's talking to about this are telling her to do the same thing. I hope you guys can work it out but you're both really going to have to work and want it at this point.

disneyjoe7

More nails to add to this....


She's been talking / texting even meant someone else once, who she states have feelings for. I'm thinking meant once and have feelings for, how shallow can you be in my head. He married also, his wife knows about my wife and myself by facebook, makes dummy screen names on facebook or dummy email accounts with my wifes name to mess with us. The new guy the crazy other wife, have a girl together which is 13 I'm told, he would leave his wife or kid until she 17 or so (Like it ends at 17?) I been told by her, that her counselor states it's an emotional relationship. I say what ever but that needed to end 6 months ago, and I found a picture of HIM dated 4/4/10 on her laptop..




Oh yes I'm a nice guy, I think so anyway. But my wife even states that, not that means anything but...

vc69

Hey man. Been going through a similar situation here. Long term GF called it off a couple of months ago. We had been talking about marriage and a family. I was reluctant to move too quickly but she was in a hurry so she is gone and on to the next one. Been a tough pill to swallow. It would have been my second marriage and family so I had some reservations. Her clock was ticking so to speak. It really worked out for the best, though it can be tough to see from where I am at the moment.

Anyway man, get a good counselor, learn what you can form the trainwreck (in my case anyway) and take it real easy on yourself. I have been fighting a little depression from the grief, but I am otherwise a lot better. Good days are ahead. I will definitely be thinking about you.

Tony M

Sorry to hear the latest email news surrounding her but it might help you in the long run.
Steve, there's a law here in NC. that my friend / neighbor used when his wife did the same thing yours seems to be doing.
It's called " Ailiennation of affections" (Spelling?) and a lawyer took up the case for free and collected his dues when it was settled. My friend / neighbor received 12,000.00 and the the lawyer 4K. My friend bought a New Harley and a new small boat to ease his pain in the matter.
That man who was corting so to speak wasn't expecting my friends wife to come with such a price on her tail.
Well my friend has remarried and is happier than ever!! He met a woman where he works and one thing led to another.
Great advise is coming you way here at the forum and we all still wish your happiness is retained no matter which way this turns out.
Again , good luck and I'll pray for your strength and wisdom to do the right thing.
Tony

madmax

Whatever happened take control of the situation right away and protect yourself legally.
madmax

Jetmaker737

I've been divorced now 3 years after 15 years of marriage. We have 3 kids still in school. That still didn't stop her from doing basically what your wife is doing now.

Screw the counseling and cut her loose. Protect yourself legally. I know that sounds cold, but it's the way it is. These middle aged broads get a head of steam in this direction and you can't stop it. She may regret it later but I guarantee you she's been working on this for years, deluding herself into blaming you, anguishing over lost "romance" and other bullsh!t, and the momentum is too much for you to stop it. Sounds like her "counselor" is even reinforcing the idea.

It'll take time and pain for you to get through it and out the other end. Finances are only numbers. That stuff's easy to figure out and you have good advice here already in that regard.

Best of luck dude!

mhmacw

yea steve listen to chuk! no joking around man your running out of time. if she has a pic of another guy on her laptop its time to call it a day. just a quick thought though. if you refinance can you handle the loan on your own and absorb any equity you both created? this might work out for you if you can get the house and send her cheating...and packing. if you want to hunt or fish to take your mind off pm me man id be happy to accomodate. keep your witts abuot you steve and GET A LAWYER!

disneyjoe7

Jet,

Your input is scary due to the fact, there's more to my story and you have an idea what that would be. I think you know why I stated "I'm over it".

zombie boy 2000

Steve - sorry to hear about all of this. I can only imagine how rough it must be after all these years. It's funny you mention everything going south once her dad passed away. The exact same thing happened with my ex once her father passed on. It was almost like her emotions did a complete 180.

By the way... my ex-wife was a lawyer, so I'm surprised everything didn't turn out as messy as it could have.

coolsax

Lasareath wrote: »

you may want to either buy her out of her half of the house or have her buy you out.

That's what my sister did when she had a divorse, she paid off her x and he left and she owns the house 100%

Sal

With the house currently upside down if he can afford for the mtg on his own, he could just absorb her negative equity and let her go on her "unmerry" way, that or the judge can make her pay him her half the negative equity.. either way I think in this situation any buying out will happen on the end of the person who doesn't get or can't afford the house. However if neither of you can afford the house on your own, shortselling it and then taking the split debt from it might be your best option.

again Good Luck man and protect yourself.

Jstas

disneyjoe7 wrote: »

Jet,

Your input is scary due to the fact, there's more to my story and you have an idea what that would be. I think you know why I stated "I'm over it".

If "I'm over it" refers to what I think it does, end it. It's not worth it. Debt isn't forever and you can always rebuild. Obviously she sees it that way. Hopefully she gets what's coming to her. Jetmaker737 is a bit harsh in his words but honestly, the man speaks from experience and those of us who have dealt with things from your position are agreeing completely with his sentiments.

The harshness is not meant to be a detraction of you but rather a level of disgust, animosity or whatever kind of negative attitude you want to call it towards the situation. She's got her own agenda to service and being "nice" will only get you shafted royally. Get angry, get out and get yours then be done with it and move on. Seriously.

Timothy Smith

Good luck Joe, we will be pulling for you.

If one person in a relationship wants to save it, and the other person wants to wreck it, the "wrecker" usually wins since that's a much easier task.

My advice: Do the best you can to save it, and if that doesn't work, it still hurts, but you will have a clear mind knowing that you tried.

Jstas

Timothy Smith wrote: »

Good luck Joe, we will be pulling for you.

If one person in a relationship wants to save it, and the other person wants to wreck it, the "wrecker" usually wins since that's a much easier task.

My advice: Do the best you can to save it, and if that doesn't work, it still hurts, but you will have a clear mind knowing that you tried.

Exactly.

Besides, knowing you did right by your marriage and it failed through no fault of your own makes it much easier to move on. Granted, no one is completely innocent, we are human after all, but things like this are usually tremendously lopsided with the lion's share of the poor behavior on the wrecker's part.

More consolation is that even if the wrecker tries to exhibit no concern over the poor behavior, the treatment they dished out does haunt them and they have to live with themselves.

Ricardo

Steve, not much to say here; think through what YOU want to do, and move on with it. If you decide to split, it might seem like life is over, but it could be staring.

woodhead 2

Good luck. I went down the divorce road, then after a year we got back together. so you never know what could happen. Maybe she needs to see for herself what is out there.

Jetmaker737

bsturgeon89 wrote: »

If things don't work out, don't move onto someone else until the divorce is final. It will save you a lot of headache in the long run and you can feel good about moving on to another relationship by doing it the right way which is to take care of this situation first.

This is absolutely critical advice. My ex did not follow it and it exploded things in a completely different direction. Take care of business first.

Polkersince85

Tough situation. I was married for 19 years when mine went flaky. Get a lawyer. I would make her laptop disappear or at least clone the harddrive. It may turn up at your lawyer's office, if you know what I mean. Get copies of cellphone records while you are still together. It may be useful during depositions. Don't say anything on a public forum that they could use against you. Time to dig in and win. Be nice and you will lose. Trust me on that one.

greyford1979

Sorry to hear that man. I have no advise to give for I have never been married and been in this situation and still yet to marry my fiance. I wish you the best of luck with everything. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers!

dkg999

As a good friend says in situations like this ........... ain't nothing that can't be fixed by a trip to the bunny ranch and $1500 on your credit card