In the dumps.... What to do need advise...

disneyjoe7

Well me and my wife are talking divorce, so after 18 years she's done. Or is it I'm over it also, not sure but after a 1.5 years of I love you, but don't love you thing. I feel I need something else in life, or she needs to **** or get off the pot so too speak.

So here's the deal. Good income each, no kids, but would have trouble keeping with all the bills to the home we now own. This home in the current market is upside down 3k to 45k and would effect HELOC loan with a credit union. I not sure what they would do at that point or eat it if around the 3k mark. I feel we could be around 25k or so.


I still have a counseling option open on my end, and would love to be still married to her for another 20 years. But that doesn't seem to in the cards, it's funny she seems tied of my core believes / ways.



Options or what would you do...


Stay married, or not?

Live as room mates? I can't see that how could I move on.

Get a room mate myself to help with bills. But she would still on the loan?


In Florida we could get a divorce without a lawyer, as we feel they would get everything and leave us with nothing. But this leaves so questions in the end so you can never win.

nooshinjohn

My god man, I am so sorry to hear of your situation and really do not know what to say, and rarely am I at such a loss for words.


I would say take the room-mates option so long as counselling is on the table for say six months or so. In this way you guys can try and work through things without upsetting the house financially for now. If that doesn't work then you may be in a better situation to make some moves. I would not give up on 18 years without at least trying to work things through.

Pycroft

Not sure what to advise, but best of luck on the situation! I hope it all works out for the best - whatever that is!

James

disneyjoe7

I will consider that, but should add this about counseling. She seen a marriage counselor which I was never allowed to see him. He stated once the "Hand writing is on the Wall". I seen a counseling an Employee Assist Program as I freak out my boss one day I stated I would leave everything and move out of country. Anyway she seen my counseling once, and refuse to see her again. So not sure if this an option at all at this point.

disneyjoe7

Thanks guys I know it seems to be between a rock and a hard stone.

george daniel

Sorry to hear thar Steve,, dunno what to tell you,, went to counsiling once,, ended up in divorce,,don't know what to say man,,I'll keep you guys in my prayers.

Serendipity

I hope everything turns out well. Good luck with your endeavors.

disneyjoe7

Well George that puts a smile on my face, as you and your new wife seem tight.

nooshinjohn

You need to see a counsellor together or it will never work. You need to shop for one alomst like you would any other professional. Doing this together is paramount after 18 years, and if she is unwilling, there is not much that can be done.

IF you want to talk with somebody that has been down that road, please feel free to PM me and I will give you my number...


John

agfrost

Good luck to you as you move forward, however that ends up being. Can't pretend to know how to advise you, so I'll just wish you the best.

Hang in there.

joeparaski

Wow..just wow!. Well, if she wants out, and counseling doesn't help...then out it is. Settle the finances as quick as possible and move on. Living together as room mates is not an option IMO. Close the book and move on with your life...someone new will come along when you least expect it and life will be good again.

Joe

disneyjoe7

joeparaski wrote: »

Wow..just wow!. Well, if she wants out, and counseling doesn't help...then out it is. Settle the finances as quick as possible and move on. Living together as room mates is not an option IMO. Close the book and move on with your life...someone new will come along when you least expect it and life will be good again.

Joe

Agree and feel this is the way it will be, I just don't know how to handle the future bill of the difference with the house sale. I wish the loans where small enough to handle on my own as I love this house, and neighborhood.

Tony M

Sorry to hear that. BUT alot of people change and life's too short to be unhappy.I read it's her that wants to go down a different road. I'm sorry but you should let her go and you try to find another that will find you more interesting.
The matter of your house is where I can't suggest a thing. Only you and her can work that out.

There's a ton of lonely women looking for a good guy!! Are you a good guy?, If so, don't worry to much!
I'm so glad kids aren't involved but if both of you are adult minded and I hope you have some support for your readjustment, you and her will be OK in the end.
If you try to keep her, only MORE heartache will ensue and you don't need anymore of that piled on what's been laid infront of you now.After 18 yrs. I don't think she is wanting this separation on a whim or some fleeting thought.

Expect alot of sleepless nights untill some other lady fills your thoughts. If you don't search out another lady friend, your thoughts will keep going back to your ex..

I do wish you can stay together!!! But if she (SHE) wants to go, please try to make it a peaceful parting.Maybe her seeing your maturity in the matter will make her have second thoughts and LOVE you like she did in the begining again. Good Luck to you.
Tony

bsoko2

nooshinjohn wrote: »

You need to see a counsellor together or it will never work. You need to shop for one alomst like you would any other professional. Doing this together is paramount after 18 years, and if she is unwilling, there is not much that can be done.

IF you want to talk with somebody that has been down that road, please feel free to PM me and I will give you my number...


John

Like John said, you have to agree on a counsellor together or it won't work. My wife and I went through it all about our 12th year and are still together after 43 years.

Bill

disneyjoe7

Well it's in her court (so too speak)

nooshinjohn

disneyjoe7 wrote: »

Will it's in her court (so too speak)

It cannot be just up to her bro... this is your life to. You said that you wanted to stay with her, so you might just need to fight for her. In a situation like this, you need to be all in, mind, body and SOUL. It cannot work if you have already given up. If you have already tossed in the towel, then it is time to move on.

dkg999

Never, never, never, never, are you getting the hint here, do a divorce without competent legal advice that is on your side. Just consider whatever it costs you as in the priceless category. You pay your attorney to handle things without emotion attached, because the actual legal issues are usually relatively minor.

And by all means try counseling. You've invested this much already, so why not at least get a professionals blessing that you shouldn't be in the same room together let alone married :eek:

disneyjoe7

At this point I have lost love in her also, as I been pushed away far too long. It could grow back but without willing to go to counseloring together this time, I feel it needs to end. I feel she would later feel she screwed up, and want back but I feel at that point I wouldn't feel I could.

hoosier21

don't know enough to say much, but best of luck,

Vette C6.r

Joe not alot of luck in this topic but getting things in the open and talking to a 3rd party can really help but I don't believe you should be left out of any counseling meetings.

In the end it is usually something petty and small that tears people apart and when the core problems are addressed the healing can occur.

Sometimes we do things to each other that we dont even know we are doing that hurts the other party. When a 3rd party picks up on these things both of you start to relieze it and can move on from there.

In the end from what you are writing Joe it sure seems to me that you still love her and you should try all that you can. Her seeing that you are trying and care enough to make it work might just be the trigger that you guys need.

Not saying that you don't know your wife but once you start to know what she truely wants and needs I believe you will have alot of sucess.

Good luck with it. Everyday counts Joe. Communication is KEY.

hearingimpared

Steve very, very sorry to hear! I'm far from famous for having good relationships so I have no advise to give but I will pray that things turn out the best for both of you.

I admire you intestinal fortitude for airing this on the forum. Shows good confidence in yourself and speak volumes to the family spirit of this club.

cstmar01

wow I'm so sorry to hear about this. I really hope you find whats best for both of you and in the end are both happy (even if not right away) with the decision.

BTW regarding your HELOC depending on how large it is, and what the bank's take on what they will do, often if there is no equity in the loan as your home has deceased in value from the time you opened it, they will not foreclose or do anything like that (speaking from a point in WI in how we handle at our bank, yours can always be different). What we do is basically move your loan to a different accounting system after a # of days delinquent and then file a money judgment against the debtor (IE sue you) for the amount of money owed. This will go on your credit ect ect. You would want to check what FL laws are regarding foreclosure ect if you decided to not pay the HELOC.

disneyjoe7

The whole issue seems to me anyway, she states it's before this but I feel it started here, which she agrees. This time period was after her dads death, and I was working nights. She stated was she was lonely and depressed one night in the truck, that sent MAJOR FLAGS UP... But being so large flags I didn't say much or didn't act like I think she wanted me to maybe. The fact depression runs in my family and it wasn't something which past on it's own or ever. So when she stated that I froze maybe?

shack

A good lawyer and a good counselor for you...figure out what YOU want...deal with it...then get on with our life.

bsturgeon89

If the counselor she is seeing is saying the "handwriting is on the wall", then he/she isn't worth ****.

Its obvious you two have had some discussions but now it is to the point where you really need to cross the barrier of fighting to keep the marriage or just go your seperate ways and being that you have no kids; going your seperate ways might be an option she is considering more. 18 years of marriage is worth fighting for but only if both parties want to fight. If you do and she doesn't, then you are going to have to fight real hard. I think it would do you both good to go to a marriage counselor together that niether one of you has gone to. Counseling is a good thing and can really be beneficial to both of you regardless or not you stay married. I learned a lot about myself during it. Just talk and talk and talk if possible. There is a lot advice to give but I hope this give you somewhere to start. Do some date nights. Suprise her. Court her all over again. Remind her why she fell in love you in the first place. You yourself doesn't have to change but maybe you can change the way you do a few things and vice-versa.

I hope it all works out for the better.

PS. If things don't work out, don't move onto someone else until the divorce is final. It will save you a lot of headache in the long run and you can feel good about moving on to another relationship by doing it the right way which is to take care of this situation first.

disneyjoe7

cstmar01 wrote: »

wow I'm so sorry to hear about this. I really hope you find whats best for both of you and in the end are both happy (even if not right away) with the decision.

BTW regarding your HELOC depending on how large it is, and what the bank's take on what they will do, often if there is no equity in the loan as your home has deceased in value from the time you opened it, they will not foreclose or do anything like that (speaking from a point in WI in how we handle at our bank, yours can always be different). What we do is basically move your loan to a different accounting system after a # of days delinquent and then file a money judgment against the debtor (IE sue you) for the amount of money owed. This will go on your credit ect ect. You would want to check what FL laws are regarding foreclosure ect if you decided to not pay the HELOC.

I think the house could sell for 300k but need something like 345k or better to walk clean. At 300k I think we would pay 35k to a 80k loan so we would have 45k.

Vette C6.r

Joe i sent a PM to you.

disneyjoe7

Sent it back thanks.

Sherardp

I don't have much input here but hoping for the best and it goes well for you.

disneyjoe7

hearingimpared wrote: »

I admire you intestinal fortitude for airing this on the forum. Shows good confidence in yourself and speak volumes to the family spirit of this club.

This place as a knack to help you if you're down, or need a pray or two. You all are like extended family so to speak to me.

Thanks everyone.

sucks2beme

Be careful. If she finds a new guy, things could change in a heartbeat.
You could find yourself coming home to a restraining order, and no where to
live. This seems to be the real danger period, and someone seems to always
get the jump on the other person. Get the finances split up. If there is no
equity in the house, or worse yet, upside down, then selling it will be hard.
Check with the lender on what options are available, especially with some of
the current programs out there. Or one of you needs to take over the loan
and get the other off of it. Roommates suck, but sometimes you gotta go
with what works. Good luck, and I hope the split can be done in a civil
way.