post rehab relapsing brother that's staying with me.....

2

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  • brettw22
    brettw22 Posts: 7,624
    edited January 2010
    She lives 45 minutes south of where he works etc so he won't be just randomly stopping by her place.

    Him staying here is less about him per se as much as it is about protecting my sister, her kids, and her family. I am far more suspicious of his stuff than anyone else in the family and while he is working and getting a 2nd job at that, I can at least recognize that while he's making some poor decisions along the line, he's also trying to make better ones.

    He knows my position about this stuff and he was bawling to the point of barely able to breathe last night when i called him and told him to quit **** things up. He wants to do better, but the problem is his 'better' and the families 'better' aren't one and the same.

    He'll be on his own in 2 days, and after that he has zero access to my place, even on a visiting standpoint for a while.
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  • megasat16
    megasat16 Posts: 3,521
    edited January 2010
    brettw22 wrote: »
    He wants to do better, but the problem is his 'better' and the families 'better' aren't one and the same.

    That's some funny stuff there. I hope he'll get sober up or he needs to put some sense into him. A man 33 yrs old need to know what **** he is on and how he is ruining himself and family around him.

    Good Luck to you and your family! I am hoping he'll see what's real better for him soon.
    Trying out Different Audio Cables is a Religious Affair. You don't discuss it with anyone. :redface::biggrin:
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  • Fireman32
    Fireman32 Posts: 4,845
    edited January 2010
    Hope it all works out Brett.
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  • apc
    apc Posts: 779
    edited January 2010
    Been there, done that.

    As the sibling of a recovering alcoholic, there are several rules. They apply to you, not the person with the dependency.

    You cannot fix it, you did not cause it and you cannot fix it. Did I mention you cannot fix it?

    You and your family can be immediately drawn into the spiral and unknowingly enable the person to continue the freefall.

    Your best bet is to attend a 12 step program designed for friends and family of those persons with a dependency. It may not be for you, but it will be the best way to change your perceptions of the situation. It is eye-opening at least and life changing at best.

    Good luck in your endeavors.
    Husband, Father, Son, Brother, Friend.
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  • danger boy
    danger boy Posts: 15,722
    edited January 2010
    sounds like Bretts brother knows he needs to get help. but some times they aren't willing to do it on their own. a intervention sounds like it might need to take place.. sitting down and talking to him.. making him realize that he's in a downward spiral lifestyle. and something bad could happen in the future if he doesn't make a big change now.

    I really think he needs to get back into rehab. but he's got to be willing to keep with it and make a significant change in his life if he wants to be part of the family.

    33 yrs is way to young for a person to be in his position with so many more years of this ahead of him. If he doesn't change now.. who knows what will happen to him. Sounds like close family don't want him around in his current stage.
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  • brettw22
    brettw22 Posts: 7,624
    edited January 2010
    We're not paying for him to go through rehab again. Ultimately, I think he used rehab as a way to get back in the States (he was in Japan, and India because some dumb women paid for him to get there then realized he had zero intention on supporting himself, let alone anyone else).

    I actually am into him for a whole $20 to cover bus fare for a week of him being here. I don't give him cash, I don't buy him what he deems as necessities (sunglasses, hoodies, etc) and only buy food and let him sleep here.

    Intervention isn't going to work because "his intention to go through rehab wasn't to be sober, but to be in a better place in life" which means finding out about schooling, getting a job, etc.

    For all his life I've been the dickish one in terms of not putting up with his ****, and that hasn't changed. His issues will continue to keep him on the bottom rung of society, and that's something that he needs to figure out, not us.

    He'll be here tonight and Monday night..after that, he's as homeless here in Utah as he has been in Dallas, Miami, Japan, and India. He's one that won't really ever learn, so that's unfortunate.
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  • Shizelbs
    Shizelbs Posts: 7,433
    edited January 2010
    Sorry to hear your burden. Thats rough. Sounds like he needs a lot more meetings and a sponsor.

    Tough love.
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  • hearingimpared
    hearingimpared Posts: 21,137
    edited January 2010
    Brett, is it possible that he has an undiagnosed mental disorder such as; bipoler disorder, anxiety disorder, or clinical depression? If he has any of these disorders once they are resolved he won't be so inclined to self medicate. It is called dual-diagnosis, maybe it was missed in the rehab.

    Just a thought.
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  • brettw22
    brettw22 Posts: 7,624
    edited January 2010
    No one can tell him that he has anything wrong, doctors included. Even if he had medications to regulate, those would be abused as well. I think he got the usual ADHD when he was 16 or 17, but I don't remember.

    When he looks back on his life, and even in current state, I don't know how you couldn't be depressed. He has nothing no money, no car, no house/apt, nothing that really makes him appealing to people as a dating partner, and no stability to him whatsoever. He talks about wanting better, but ultimately he has this entitled attitude that because he's 'wanting to be a better person' that everyone should be bowing and gifting him whatever he requests. That **** don't fly with me and when he asked about sunglasses once, i totally ignored that he even said it.

    He got paid $312 for his first paycheck, and told me he spent $45 on NYE. He'll be broke by the end of the week and wondering why the world hates him so much.......it's lame....
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  • hearingimpared
    hearingimpared Posts: 21,137
    edited January 2010
    brettw22 wrote: »
    No one can tell him that he has anything wrong, doctors included. Even if he had medications to regulate, those would be abused as well. I think he got the usual ADHD when he was 16 or 17, but I don't remember.....

    If he does get a dual-diagnosis, a doctor would never prescribe any meds that could be abused. So he'd be ****-out-of luck in that department.
    brettw22 wrote: »
    When he looks back on his life, and even in current state, I don't know how you couldn't be depressed. He has nothing no money, no car, no house/apt, nothing that really makes him appealing to people as a dating partner, and no stability to him whatsoever. He talks about wanting better, but ultimately he has this entitled attitude that because he's 'wanting to be a better person' that everyone should be bowing and gifting him whatever he requests. That **** don't fly with me and when he asked about sunglasses once, i totally ignored that he even said it.

    He got paid $312 for his first paycheck, and told me he spent $45 on NYE. He'll be broke by the end of the week and wondering why the world hates him so much.......it's lame....

    Unfortunately that is an addicts typical mindset . . . entitlement.

    Well it sounds like he is not finished getting beat up yet by the drugs & alcohol so he's just going to have to take the beating and hit that bottom. It would seem that him not wanting to get better leaves you and the rest of your family no choice but to turn your backs on him until he does. It sounds harsh but that is the only way he is going to get anywhere with his problem.

    I wish you and your family the best of luck with this all too frustrating situation and I'll pray for your brother's recovery.
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  • tx_polkhead
    tx_polkhead Posts: 248
    edited January 2010
    sorry to hear about your family troubles, make sure someone you know and trust keeps an eye on your place while you are out of town. If you have an alarm at your home, change the code...
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  • heiney9
    heiney9 Posts: 25,164
    edited January 2010
    Good Luck Brett. I can't imagine how frustrating this can be for all involved (except your brother)

    Good Luck George.........I'll be praying for your family.

    H9
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  • mrbigbluelight
    mrbigbluelight Posts: 9,689
    edited January 2010
    hearingimpared wrote: »
    Brett, is it possible that he has an undiagnosed mental disorder such as; bipoler disorder, anxiety disorder, or clinical depression? If he has any of these disorders once they are resolved he won't be so inclined to self medicate. It is called dual-diagnosis, maybe it was missed in the rehab.

    Just a thought.

    I do believe you have hit the nail on the head, Mr HI.

    Does not mean that the brother now has a free pass to continue his destructive behavior, to be sure.
    But it might possibly mean that those around him might point him towards a facility that can deal with a possible depression-based problem.
    Merely point, though. Not "pay for" or "provide transportation to/from treatment" or "pick up prescriptions" or "monitor medication intake" or ......
    brettw22 wrote:
    No one can tell him that he has anything wrong, doctors included. Even if he had medications to regulate, those would be abused as well. I think he got the usual ADHD when he was 16 or 17

    If he was "diagnosed" with ADHD when he was 16 or 17, that would have been in the early 90's, I believe.
    I put "diagnosed" in quotes because that may have been a mis-"diagnosis".
    The "Age of Ritalin" started about that time:

    "Since 1991, prescriptions for ADHD medications quintupled.

    In that same time period, Ritalin use for the symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder ADD ADHD increased 700 percent.

    ADHD medications prescriptions for children ages 2 to 4 increased almost 300% between 1991 and 1995.

    My point ? A misdiagnosis of ADHD, with prescribed medication, would have done nothing for an actual case of clinical depression. Don't mean to open up a can of worms on the issue of Ritalin, but Ritalin would not have helped him then, nor now (and Ritalin can be abused; pretty good street prices on Ritalin as they make pretty good speeders).

    Sorry for the rambling post. The main thing is you're doing the right thing protecting your sister/nieces/nephews and you've done enough for your brother. It's up to him now.
    Sal Palooza
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  • brettw22
    brettw22 Posts: 7,624
    edited January 2010
    so I wenr to KC area for a couple days and I stopped by my place this morning when I got back to check on it at 830am and brother was still sleeping. I did a few things around the house then headed off to work for the day.......

    I got home from errands after work and was walking around my living room and start getting pissed. in a tied up garbage sack were 5 empty 24oz cans of beer. this bag was not there in the morning meaning either:
    a) he drank all 5 and went to work sloshed,
    b) he drank over the 2 days I was gone, or
    c) he had friends over to help.

    My brother will be homeless tomorrow and it's sad that he can't get out of his own way to prevent being on the streets.....especially in the middle of winter.

    when he came home from work tonight I had the cans on the kitchen counter all lined up and I haven't said a word about them (neither did he). he got totally silent and went outside making calls....who knows what about but i'm sure it was to someone he begged to ket him stay with because he knows how lit I am

    The fact that they were tied up in the bag tells me that he's been sneaking beers in and disposing of the cans in other people's trash. That type of gameyness just cost him the only possible roof over his head......sad...but tomorrow I will call him after his interview for a second job and tell him the news and then will pack and bring all his stuff to him and say goodbye.
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  • dorokusai
    dorokusai Posts: 25,577
    edited January 2010
    You're an idiot.
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  • F1nut
    F1nut Posts: 50,467
    edited January 2010
    I will call him after his interview and tell him the news and then will pack and bring all his stuff to him and say goodbye.

    You've got to do what you've got to do......it's the right thing no matter how hard it may be.
    Political Correctness'.........defined

    "A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a t-u-r-d by the clean end."

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  • brettw22
    brettw22 Posts: 7,624
    edited January 2010
    because........
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  • dorokusai
    dorokusai Posts: 25,577
    edited January 2010
    You're too nice of a guy, let alone a family member to allow that to happen Brett.

    Sometimes its about tough love and while I may not know about every facet of the situation, he's using you and you're enabling him. He has to make a conscious decision to change and the relationship you have with him is years down the road. Either you fully commit or cut him loose. There is no in between.
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  • ben62670
    ben62670 Posts: 15,969
    edited January 2010
    Seriously he needs to sink to the point where he gives up himself. You have to realize you are powerless to do anything for him. It sucks to feel powerless, but you need to make peace with that. Your family is still in my prayers Brett.
    Ben
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    Thanks
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  • dorokusai
    dorokusai Posts: 25,577
    edited January 2010
    Yea, let him hit rock bottom at your expense. If he's living with you because he has no place to go, he's at rock bottom. No offense Brett but when you begin to bounce around family....the downward spiral has begun.
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  • hearingimpared
    hearingimpared Posts: 21,137
    edited January 2010
    dorokusai wrote: »
    Yea, let him hit rock bottom at your expense. If he's living with you because he has no place to go, he's at rock bottom. No offense Brett but when you begin to bounce around family....the downward spiral has begun.

    From what I've read he's been in the downward spiral, just getting out of rehab and drinking & drugging already. It appears he is just about to hit that bottom really hard.

    Kudos Brett for sticking to your guns.
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  • danger boy
    danger boy Posts: 15,722
    edited January 2010
    Brett, sounds like other family have washed their hands of him. so should you.. tough as it may be to be that much of an **** to your own brother. but he won't change.. ever.

    do what you have to do to get him help.. or wish him luck and be done with him.
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  • mrbigbluelight
    mrbigbluelight Posts: 9,689
    edited January 2010
    At the risk of sounding trivial:


    "I’m gonna do for you now , in one minute what it took the United States Army 6 months to do for me……"

    —Whats that????

    "Nothing!!!….and you dont even have to thank me for it……."


    That scene, from a Robert Blake movie from 1973, "Electra Glide in Blue" about sums it up. That scene was burned in my neurons for a long time while I watched someone close to me go over the cliff and there was nothing anyone could do, despite everyone's best efforts . It's tough to realize that there is nothing you can do. Real tough.

    Your good-intentioned "doing" would be his "undoing"; your seemingly "not doing" is what he needs apparently.

    The best of luck to you and your brother; you've done your part.
    Sal Palooza
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  • amulford
    amulford Posts: 5,020
    edited January 2010
    you mean he's still there??? Ok....
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  • brettw22
    brettw22 Posts: 7,624
    edited January 2010
    He's out as of earlier today and I texted him a bit ago asking if i could bring anything that he might need since he left with just the clothes on his back and a few things in a bag.

    He's texting that 'the law might not look kindly on you kicking me out in the middle of winter since after 2 weeks technically i'm a resident'........

    I'm leavin town tomorrow and am pretty sure my place will have a window broken into while I'm gone (been thinking about getting an alarm, this is a good motivator). I'l be back on Saturday and at that point I'll take his stuff downtown and rent a storage unit or something to dump his **** into that he can go to for his things.
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  • Talweh
    Talweh Posts: 149
    edited January 2010
    So now he's threatening you? seriously?
    wow.
    just wow.

    I have been keeping up with this thread, because about a dozen years ago, I was that guy. I hadn't felt the need to comment because the others pretty much had it covered. But that surprised even me. Good luck Brett... if I were you, I'd ask the neighbors to keep an eye on the place, and call the law if they see him, or see lights on while you're gone. And I'm sorry you're going through this.
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  • concealer404
    concealer404 Posts: 7,440
    edited January 2010
    Too nice.

    He won't hit rock bottom as long as you're doing even one iota for him. As long as he can keep above water, even by as little as it seems he's doing, he won't recover in any way shape or form.

    Don't text him. Don't call him. Don't bring him anything. And if you come back to a broken window, call the police, explain the situation, and say that you absolutely want to press charges.

    I feel for you. :(
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  • SKsolutions
    SKsolutions Posts: 1,820
    edited January 2010
    Sounds like he's miles away from getting it. Living under a bridge or breaking into cars for warmth will help him on his way to receiving the gift of desperation. Without it, most will use until they die prematurely. Good luck, it's not easy.
    -Ignorance is strength -
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  • TECHNOKID
    TECHNOKID Posts: 4,298
    edited January 2010
    This is tough reading today but unfortunately part of life. I feel for you Brett and will definitely pray for your brother and family (you and your sister).
    Fongolio wrote: »
    I'm 21 years off of drugs as of January 1 and all I can tell you is that he still hasn't found the bottom. Do him a favour and if you know he's drinking and doing drugs (yes prescriptions that aren't his count) don't let him stay even if you are in town. Best thing that happened to me was no one left to turn to made me see what an **** I was. Up to then someone always bailed me out. I hit bottom and got clean. Addicts will use and abuse until there's no one left to lie to or steal from or sponge off of. Good luck man.
    Kelvin
    Great testimony Fongolio!
    Keiko wrote: »
    I pray your brothers can work through their issues and get back on track, Brett & George. Life is far too short to waste.
    I unite in prayers for both Brett & George.
    hearingimpared wrote: »
    Not to put a jinx on the good fortune that has been bestowed on your brother Drew but never say never. Relapses are common with alkys and druggies. I know, it happened to me. I was six years sober and never thought I would drink or drug again. After a couple of stints in the hospital, and being given dilaudid intravenously I came out of the hospital addicted to dilaudid and found myself right back where I had started. Instead of going to an AA or NA meeting upon leaving the hospital, I started seeking dilaudid and drinking and using street drugs etc. Luckily and by the Grace of God and some support from my family I was able to stop again in relatively short time.

    I know this sounds silly to those who don't have the problem but while you are in the grips of addiction you don't realize that the monster has you by the balls and is wreaking havoc with your loved ones and yourself. Your brother needs to stay vigilant and keep the faith as well as doing what he's been doing faithfully to keep the monster at bay.

    I hope Brett's brother hits his bottom soon and gets sober before the inevitable irreparable damage is done to his family and his body.

    I pray your brother keeps it up and continues to have a happy life.
    hearingimpared wrote: »
    I'll keep him and other's who have posted here about loved ones in my prayers.
    Lots of knowledge and wisdom about this type of problem in this discussion. Reading you Brett, I see you are a good brother and trying to do your best for all of the concerned family members. Keep the faith and God bless you and your entire family.
    DARE TO SOAR:
    “Your attitude, almost always determine your altitude in life” ;)
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  • brettw22
    brettw22 Posts: 7,624
    edited January 2010
    I've checked on him the past few nights. Texted him while he was at work (glad to hear he was there since I thought it was possible that he may end up losing the job due to going to that 'no hope' mentality) and here's what we texted:

    me: hey.....just wanted to check in......bad to ask if you're drinking?

    him: no, and i'm not planning to....at LEAST for a while.....I understand your position. I'm done hating and anger

    me: where you at tonight?

    him: i got a place for the week at least so i'm good

    me: with whom? good situation?

    him: yeah, good guy....sober in the program

    I asked if it was the guy he stayed with Sat night (the one my Mom mentioned was very temp because the guy had kids) and he said that it's not but the guy lives close to where he went to rehab.

    me: is this guy sober in the program....sorry for being nosey (i don't know why i asked this since he just told me he was.....lol)

    him: yes.....all good.....thanks

    I think he might be in a better environment with someone that's positively involved in the program to get him back on track. At a minimum, it's a good thing that he is still working, he's around someone that's surviving sober

    I don't know how long his situation will last there, or what his steps are after this week, but time will tell.
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