post rehab relapsing brother that's staying with me.....

brettw22

Venting.......

So I have a 33yo brother that's been pretty much a drunken mooch that has gone through an endless list of friends who have amazingly completely funded his life....which ended him in rehab as our family's only option for helping him out.

He graduated 90 days from rehab, went into transition and was kicked out in a month because he was too lazy to do what was required of him (20 hours of community service if you dont' have a job).....

He stayed with a sister for a week, and then because of me not traveling (the only reason i would possibly let him stay here is if was here too) i allowed him to stay here for the past few weeks because she has a newborn, a 3yo, and a husband, whereas I have a big place to myself.....

I've found out that he's been drinking occasionally, and just recently found out that while he was at my sisters he stole some percocets. I went through his stuff here and found that he took another prescription of theirs and that bottle is empty here.

My issue isn't drinking as I have several friends that drink. The difference is that I'm not supporting them. His pills he's justifying that he's not on month long binges and doesn't see why I should feel betrayed when I've pointedly asked him about doing drugs and he's said no.

I'm leaving town on Wednesday, and he's soon to be homeless again, but staying here while I'm traveling is not an option in any way/shape/form.

Family is fun, right?

hearingimpared

Drinking and drugging are only a symptom of a deeper problem some say disease. In many cases it takes many more than one try at rehab. I wouldn't give up on him as he is your flesh and blood and needs love, tough love, albeit but love and understanding none-the-less.

brettw22

The fact that I'd ever let him stay with me is a monumental thing, family or not. I'm the one that has always called him on his **** and been onto everything he's done.....

This isn't his first try at rehab, and the fact that he's drinking and drugging it less than a week of being out of transition tells me it's not gonna be his last.

Flesh and blood is not enough of a reason for me to put up with a persons ****..........harsh, but true.

hearingimpared

Well hopefully he'll get it before he kills himself with that ****.

ohskigod

brettw22 wrote: »

Flesh and blood is not enough of a reason for me to put up with a persons ****..........harsh, but true.

truer words couldn't be spoken. a person will never get real help unless he wants it. he don't want it. I've been down this road. watch how much risk you put in his corner if you know what I mean. this guy has further down to travel and he will take whoever is around him with him....at least he will try

brettw22

Before he came into my place, he knew that the deadline was the 8th. Then work superceded and called me out on the 6th so his date got upped a few days.

He could have been staying in transition for $300/mo with all meals and stuff paid and he thought it was a better deal outside that bubble...........

Idiot.

hearingimpared

He hasn't hit bottom yet. Maybe you letting him go will get him to that bottom quicker. In my experience 33 year olds need about 10 more years of torture and health concerns before they hit that bottom. I hope this doesn't happen to your brother.

headrott

brettw22 wrote: »

The fact that I'd ever let him stay with me is a monumental thing, family or not. I'm the one that has always called him on his **** and been onto everything he's done.....

This isn't his first try at rehab, and the fact that he's drinking and drugging it less than a week of being out of transition tells me it's not gonna be his last.

Flesh and blood is not enough of a reason for me to put up with a persons ****..........harsh, but true.

Yes, your last statement is very true. I refer to the Bible at this point because it says it best refering to the fact that your brother is too lazy to work. In 2 Thessalonians 3:10 "For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: "If a man will not work, he shall not eat." Seems pretty clear to me.

Until your brother really wants to do something about his situation, he'll have to be set apart from the rest of your family. Otherwise, you are helping him to continue his problems. Even if he makes an attempt to make a change, you should absolutely help him. Until then, explain to him that you don't want him around you when he is doing what he is doing. If he really wants to change, then you can help him out. That's my input. Probably not extremely popular, but is the way it should be done. As hearingimpared said, tough love is what he needs not gooey compasionate love.

brettw22

Him being here has more to do with my helping my sister because she's definitely not in a good place to be havin him there.

I'm the last person that would be giving gooey compassionate love to anyone, including my brother.

headrott

brettw22 wrote: »

Him being here has more to do with my helping my sister because she's definitely not in a good place to be havin him there.

I'm the last person that would be giving gooey compassionate love to anyone, including my brother.

Are you saying your sister does not want your brother there? I am confused by your first statement, sorry if I didn't get it. I'm just not sure how you are helping your sister by having your brother be there with your sister when she doesn't want him there?

ben62670

Hey Bro my prayers are sent.any kind of help I can offer at anytime.
Love ya Bro.
Ben

Fongolio

I'm 21 years off of drugs as of January 1 and all I can tell you is that he still hasn't found the bottom. Do him a favour and if you know he's drinking and doing drugs (yes prescriptions that aren't his count) don't let him stay even if you are in town. Best thing that happened to me was no one left to turn to made me see what an **** I was. Up to then someone always bailed me out. I hit bottom and got clean. Addicts will use and abuse until there's no one left to lie to or steal from or sponge off of. Good luck man.
Kelvin

danger boy

sounds like your brother needs to go back into rehab.

deadbeat friends I can deal with. but deadbeat family is tough... every family has them though.

sorry I don't have any advice on this one.

NJPOLKER

Brett,
I wish you and your family good luck. It's a long difficult journey as you know and with good decisions on everyones part maybe things will get better soon. It is probably a stretch that things will get better soon because these kind of things generally take years to mend.
I have the feeling you know a lot about how to deal with this kind of situation which is good but it's so very difficult, almost impossible, to live with. Best wishes

George Grand

Brett,

Add 17 years to your brother's age and we have MY brother. Exact same situation. It is driving me crazy that I can't keep my promise to somehow or another take care of him. I cannot find a way that won't destroy other people's lives.

NJPOLKER

George Grand wrote: »

Brett,

Add 17 years to your brother's age and we have MY brother. Exact same situation. It is driving me crazy that I can't keep my promise to somehow or another take care of him. I cannot find a way that won't destroy other people's lives.

George,
Do we have the same brother? Are we somehow related? In all seriousness my brother made it and is now 50 years old. When I say he made it, he has, he will never drink again and has not for maybe 5 + years now and is fully aware of his "problems" and has addressed them. It's was a terrible experience and almost ripped our family apart. Through the grace of god and family we made it.
Brett,
I do not envy you in any way, shape or forum because I have been in those shoes. Try to keep the faith and look after your sister as I know you will.

George Grand

Thanks man.

The saddest part of the whole thing is that these long-term abusers genuinely missed "life".

tonyb

Exactly George. I guess every family has that one black sheep hell bent on self destruction. I have one,my wifes family has one, and no matter how much you try,you get dumped on in the end and create hurt feelings with the other members of the family.
Whats the answer? Hell if I know,but I will say that you keep trying,because god forbid if something happens, you'll be able to sleep at night rather than having done nothing at all. Watching this stuff unfold before your eyes,knowing that not much you can do will change it, is a terrible experience for anyone and frustrating as all hell. You know that old saying....you can drag a horse to water but you can't make him drink. You do all you can but in the end they have to want help. If not, then there comes a point where you have to let go and say lots of prayers.

George Grand

Yup. I light a boatload of candles for that boy, and have probably worn out the knees in a couple pair of pants too over the last two years.

I just didn't want our dear Brett to think he was out there on his own this week.

everpress

My mom was one of those folks. It's been over 20 years since she's had a drink.
Her bottom was when I was around 5 or so. My brother had raised me (as he was 7 years older than me). But she had just gotten fired from drinking on the job, her (literally) crack-head husband had left her because she couldn't support both their habits and she choose hers. My brother and I (at 12 and 5) cooked, cleaned , did laundry and occasionally wrote the checks out to pay the bills.
My mom had a couple of nights of sobriety that opened her eyes to the fact that she was ruining her life. And that she was ruining our lives.

She still, to this day, has the dry alcoholic's mentality that much of her life isn't in her control. She still blames others for many problems that were caused by her own actions. Many dry alcoholics and clean abusers get in that rut. It's like they never matured in some ways.

BUT they are clean and able to make up for the past by not reliving it. My mom has made the most positive difference in my life just by doing what other people find it so easy to do: not drink. It is a struggle for her. Daily, I'm sure. Her last time drinking was a suicide attempt. That was her bottom. Three big jugs of vodka in a body that barely weighed 100lbs. It damn near did kill her too.

But her determination to stop led to her determination to set everything into a positive direction in her life. She got rid of her debt, she moved us from poverty to middleclass and now she is debt free completely and living very well, very sober and basically donating her time as a lunch lady in a small school in the middle of nowhere because she loves children and she doesn't have to work anymore.

Brett, I hope that your brother doesn't have to hit bottom to change his life around. But if he does, I hope he does it soon and that you and your family aren't on the receiving end of that bottom.

Good luck; I'll pray for you and yours.

mrbigbluelight

Sorry to hear of your troubles, but a couple of things to keep in mind, if I may throw my 2 cents worth in:


: While you're out of town, your brother should NOT stay with your sister, her newborn and 3 year-old, and her husband.
Your brother, with all due respect, doesn't possess the ability to deal responsibly with himself at this point in time, much less a a married couple with YOUNG children.
That should not even be remotely considered an option.

: While he is your flesh and blood, the best thing IMO that you can do for him at this time is ......... nothing.

Call it fate, call it karma, call it whatever one may but your brother has to travel this road by himself.
His family can lovingly point him in the right direction, give him some viable options/programs, then it is up to him.
His family are apparently responsible loving human beings; you all are probably used to facing challenges in life, working towards solutions, and succeeding. In this case, though, your efforts will prevent an ultimate, lasting solution and that doesn't fit with what has worked with you all in the past. But it has to be done, or better yet, not done.

Do .......... nothing.

brettw22

headrott wrote: »

Are you saying your sister does not want your brother there? I am confused by your first statement, sorry if I didn't get it. I'm just not sure how you are helping your sister by having your brother be there with your sister when she doesn't want him there?

I think you misread........

My brother is staying with me because:
1. I'm in town and can both track his **** as well as keep an eye on my stuff since I'm not on the road for a week+ at a time

2. I'm in a better place to have him here than she is because she has the newborn, a 3yo, and her husband.....

Before he moved in I took all prescriptions to the office which turned out to be a good thing to do. i also took as much portably valuable things away too and store those in my car and/or at the office. Just because he's here doesn't mean I trust him......and I only OK'd it because it was a short term thing from the onset.....

brettw22

With him stealing the pills from her, among other things that are missing and he denies, she's flat out against having him there any more.

I'm the person that above everyone else would do zilch for this kid, and it's only because of not wanting my sister/fam in a bad place is he here for the few weeks that he is.

After Wednesday, he can "continue on his quest" for whatever the hell it is, but it'll be without any form of support other than encouragement.

jmwest1970

I can relate. Although in my situation it's a step-family. About 10 years ago I cut my ties with them. I found it to be the best thing for me. Unfortunately my step-mother still helped them out of every situation. One step-brother in particular was close to me as we are only a month apart in age. Drinking was his biggest problem, but he continued to partake in weed, coke, meth, and whatever else he could get his hands on. That ended December 12, 2008 at age 38. That's when my older step-sister found him dead on the toilet after work. He didn't OD. His heart gave out from all the abuse. I miss him, but I could have been in that same situation.

The point is that you have to do what's best for you. It's nice to help, but if the person doesn't want help it's a lost cause. Good luck and my your brother find his way.

hearingimpared

NJPOLKER wrote: »

George,
Do we have the same brother? Are we somehow related? In all seriousness my brother made it and is now 50 years old. When I say he made it, he has, he will never drink again and has not for maybe 5 + years now and is fully aware of his "problems" and has addressed them. It's was a terrible experience and almost ripped our family apart. Through the grace of god and family we made it.
Brett,
I do not envy you in any way, shape or forum because I have been in those shoes. Try to keep the faith and look after your sister as I know you will.

Not to put a jinx on the good fortune that has been bestowed on your brother Drew but never say never. Relapses are common with alkys and druggies. I know, it happened to me. I was six years sober and never thought I would drink or drug again. After a couple of stints in the hospital, and being given dilaudid intravenously I came out of the hospital addicted to dilaudid and found myself right back where I had started. Instead of going to an AA or NA meeting upon leaving the hospital, I started seeking dilaudid and drinking and using street drugs etc. Luckily and by the Grace of God and some support from my family I was able to stop again in relatively short time.

I know this sounds silly to those who don't have the problem but while you are in the grips of addiction you don't realize that the monster has you by the balls and is wreaking havoc with your loved ones and yourself. Your brother needs to stay vigilant and keep the faith as well as doing what he's been doing faithfully to keep the monster at bay.

I hope Brett's brother hits his bottom soon and gets sober before the inevitable irreparable damage is done to his family and his body.

I pray your brother keeps it up and continues to have a happy life.

NJPOLKER

I knew someone would bring this up and understand exactley where your coming from. That said, he won't, not even a remote chance. Thank God.

hearingimpared

NJPOLKER wrote: »

I knew someone would bring this up and understand exactley where your coming from. That said, he won't, not even a remote chance. Thank God.

I'll keep him and other's who have posted here about loved ones in my prayers.

bikezappa

Fongolio wrote: »

I'm 21 years off of drugs as of January 1 and all I can tell you is that he still hasn't found the bottom. Do him a favour and if you know he's drinking and doing drugs (yes prescriptions that aren't his count) don't let him stay even if you are in town. Best thing that happened to me was no one left to turn to made me see what an **** I was. Up to then someone always bailed me out. I hit bottom and got clean. Addicts will use and abuse until there's no one left to lie to or steal from or sponge off of. Good luck man.
Kelvin

Sounds like you understand the situation.

Hope he takes your advice.

NJPOLKER

Thanks
We all need them regardless.
I'd say more but don't want to get into his business any more than I already have.

headrott

brettw22 wrote: »

I think you misread........

My brother is staying with me because:
1. I'm in town and can both track his **** as well as keep an eye on my stuff since I'm not on the road for a week+ at a time

2. I'm in a better place to have him here than she is because she has the newborn, a 3yo, and her husband.....

Before he moved in I took all prescriptions to the office which turned out to be a good thing to do. i also took as much portably valuable things away too and store those in my car and/or at the office. Just because he's here doesn't mean I trust him......and I only OK'd it because it was a short term thing from the onset.....

OK Brett, Got it. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I was thinking that you and your sister live together. Short term is a smart thing to do. Until your brother decides to try a different way, tell him why you don't want him in your house and let him go his way. If/when he hits ground and looks up towards you, you should help him out in any way you feel is appropriate.

amulford

Sorry, Brett, but he ain't your responsibility. At 33 he's a big boy. I had my share of addictions, and I broke them, so he can too. No pity here, sorry.

Your enabling his lifestyle, pure and simple. **** that, turn him loose to fend for himself. You don't need to be your brother's keeper....

If you want to help him, let him go, he needs to hit rock bottom, dude. Ain't no other way, man. Healing Has to come from within. Anything else won't work.

It took me seeing my daughter as an infant thru an inch of bullet proof plate glass to realize how much of a piece of **** I'd allowed myself to become. It hurt, but it cured me. That was 17 years ago...

And don't let him mooch off your sister either. When he tries, run him down the road. She don't need his **** either. If you want to protect someone, the baby is the one who needs it....