Who do you want for President ?

obieone

I'm doing a 'write-in' canidate:









Jenna Jameson!!!

dorokusai

"I pledge a pair of LSi's for every home, autographed pictures for every bathroom and if you have an attractive significant other....a restraining order against myself for life, or a taser." *(Total value of vote pandering not to exceed $35.99)

Dont let these blindfolded vintage SDA devotees gobble up your vote. You should rally around someone who has actually bought a Polk product in the past 5 years. Vinyl is dead and we need a change...Real Change! {rings bell}

F1Nut* worked with former President Carter as his personal driver and confidant. He is also the founder of the original Bang Bus and reportedly, a Vampire. You cannot have the undead in the oval office! Do you realize what kind of money it would take to accomodate his sleeping habits, let alone his weekly haircuts! *Factoid - Jesse was also a contestant on the Dating Game and is often featured in old Blooper & Practical Jokes reruns. {rings bell}

HearingImpared was a prisoner in the POW camp down the road* from John McCain. He reportedly refused to wear clothing and was often caught pushing his man parts behind his legs whenever given the opportunity. That's just plain weird. *If you made a right at the stop sign and then bear to your far left, drive 1000 miles into Tibet....you couldn't have missed it. {rings bell}

EarlyB? Are you kidding me? The man had an audio nervous breakdown in 2008*....how can he lead you anwhere but downhill! {rings bell} *Brad is a huge Machina Dynamica customer. {rings bell}

Cfrizz can only give you 200wpc, no more, no less! Aside from a hand on the hip, shake of the head and a waving of a couple fingers, saying "Oh no he di int!"...she can't come back from that. *I've personally seen Cathy shake her brother Mark so violently by the shoulders, almost killing him, until he agreed to buy Polk Audio speakers. {rings bell}

Wingnut is an officer of the law and if she's anything like my ex-policeman Father....not to be trusted. Bad POPO! Richard Gere(Internal Affairs) and Ray Liota(Unlawful Entry) look like saints compared to her actions on the ground. She once arrested her own girlfriend for looking at her funny. *In reality, it was because Darla was wearing her Ghostbuster costume armed with something that looked less like a proton gun, and more like a **** prop. {rings bell}

TroyD intentionally requested to be transferred to Korea so he wouldn't have to run for this office. He's knows what skeletons are in his closet*, including the sign that should be on his front lawn! *Troy was head of a gang of vandals that installed Glory Holes in the bathrooms of 100 local Assisted Living homes in the SC vicinity. He was subsequently convicted and is required to display an "$4.99 Dinner Coupon for Senior Citizens - Inquire Within" sign on his front lawn. {rings bell}

Justin has recently went on to have a gender re-assignment procedure, with enlargement of other areas, can you say...Badonkadonk?. You cannot vote for someone who has no idea how to prioritize their body parts! {rings bell}

Russman has withdrawn from the ballot.

Matt Polk cannot be added to the list nor made fun of due to his personal knowledge of exactly who I am and where I live. I bow to your graven image sire and allow me to serve your dark will 'till the end of days.

hearingimpared

Ahhhh haaaaaa . . . let the mud slinging begin!!! Heeeyyyyyyyy what about the big Russ?

BTW that was good stuff!

janmike

Holy ****, a Canadian voting for a President. What next? :eek:

hearingimpared

I pledge turntable/tonearm/cartridge set up and perfect dialin for every new vinyl lover. Digital lovers will get free disc stabililzers and a trip from my VP F1nut to place the proper resistor in series with the dominant tweeter to make the highs and midrange of any digital rig sound as sweet as a new 200 gm vinyl classic.

Mods first:

Doro ; no way Jose, he would make Russman his VP and both would make Jim Beam the Speaker of the House.

Justin; Please don't ban me again; thats as far as I go. I know, I'm a pu$$y

Early B; will change his cabinet every other week. . . bad choice.

Cfrizz; might kick your big behind for not properly coddling jackass newbs and arseholes.

Wingnut; a cop as President . . . I rather have Bush senior force congress to become CIA agents. Besides, she is already billyclubbing the residents of her town until they yield to her will to join the forum and vote for her.

TroyD; He's a friggin Korean citizen how the hell can HE become president.

MATT POLK; the man makes fun of hearing impaired audiphiles at Consumer Electronics Shows. That is only one skeleton from 1987 . . . there are more. MUUUHHHHHUUUUUHHHHHAAAAAA

dorokusai

Russman has withdrawn from the race and my running mate has yet to be chosen. *James Beam was unavailable for comment.

hearingimpared

dorokusai wrote: »

Russman has withdrawn from the race and my running mate has yet to be chosen. *James Beam was unavailable for comment.

Old Grand Dad is looking for a job!

tonyb

Hey...Ron isn't on the list.I'd vote for him....because he is the only one that can bring real "change" to the forum.:p:rolleyes:

dorokusai

hearingimpared wrote: »

Old Grand Dad is looking for a job!

Phizer is looking for a mascot.

hearingimpared

tonyb wrote: »

Hey...Ron isn't on the list.I'd vote for him....because he is the only one that can bring real "change" to the forum.:p:rolleyes:

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA he also can turn red!!!!!!

hearingimpared

dorokusai wrote: »

Phizer is looking for a mascot.

Na, they don't sell the good stuff.

dorokusai

OK, damn...the lobbiest duped me again.

Jstas

I'm not convinced. I'm still voting for me.

If the rest of you know what's good for you, you will too.

TroyD

Off the hook funny.

Man, normally this would be something that I would be all over, the opportunity for humor is off the freaking charts. Mark just knocked this one out of the park like Barry Bonds would a hanging curve ball after a double dynanbol cocktail.

That said:

If elected president I will:

Remove certain folks from the protected species list.

Two words: SDA INWALLS

Invest R&D dollars in the replication of F1's hair.....the most non-resonant, inert material known to mankind.

Ensure that the price of Jim Beam is 10% cheaper than gasoline accross the board.

Subsidize Japanese vinyl and expansion of Mofi production facilities.

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Yeah, I got nothing.

BDT

BDT

Fireman32

Wayyyyyy to freaking funny!! this just made my morning.

shack

It's time for a change. More power to the women. I want to see a ticket with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. They have a lot to offer. Having seen it first hand, they could begin working to correct the criminal justice system. Fiscally, they are already used to spending money without any concern as to where it is coming from or what it is for...so they could hit the ground running. I'm pretty sure they are independents, cause I don't think they can spell democrat or republican. I think they could certainly deal with the foreign heads of state (and film the sessions for YouTube and/or further negotiations). The inaugural ball would be a blast and the new political slogan...or the response to the threat of global nuclear war....

"That's Hot!"

Jstas

Went on a Fact Finding Mission!

Found some stuff out about F1nut.
- He has over 400 ficus plants and they are all named Steve
- He arranges his spatulas alphabetically
- He keeps his sock pairs separated so they don't fornicate in his draws when he isn't looking
- He doesn't actually have hair. That is an elaborate array of antennas for communicating in 16384 bit encryption to the home world
- His body is an early experiment in cybernetics and his head is actually a battery powered by the alcohol in wine and the fatty acids in cheese
- His mahgeny pipe is fake. He uses smoke tablets for model trains to enhance the charade
- His previous body was steam powered
- He has a sex tape in which he violates a tube amplifier and his punishment is being whipped by a **** while strapped spread eagle on a giant turntable
- He doesn't have eyebrows. They are made from butt hair he shaved off of RuSsMaN while he was "under the influence"
- He has 9 stomachs
- He once took candy from a baby
- He likes Gerber's strained peas
- He's not a vampire, he just enjoys how the soft velvet lining caresses his nether regions
- He eats cake with a spoon
- Some say his **** has it's own gravity field
- He once pissed off a super model by saying she had a face like a traffic warden
- That same supermodel successfully lobbied a petition to have F1nut's name changed to Cuddles
- He has a terrible case of exema on his mahgeny pipe
- He thought Star Wars was a documentary
- He is frightened of trees
-...and Australia
-...and facial hair
-...and Polkasaurus Rex
-...and clouds
- He knows two facts about ducks...and both of them are wrong
- When he slows down, brake lights come on in his ****
- He thinks his ear wax tastes like Turkish Delight



Would you want a guy like that as your president? I know I wouldn't.

You should vote for dorokusai. He has a heart of gold! No, really, it's gold. He only SAYS he had "leg surgery". Apparently the wizard gave him a new heart! But the wizard was drunk and told him to wear the ruby slippers too because they go so nicely with the ****-less chaps. Oh...wait, was that too much information?

Well, vote for doro anyway. He's just weird. That F1nut guy is totally creepy! If you watch, it's almost like his eyes follow you where ever you go! I don't want none of that Big Brother stuff in the president's office!

F1nut

John, that's it! No more carb cleaner for you.

mrbigbluelight

Thanks for that background check, Jstas. The 682,478 people who have voted for him so far are probably starting to realize that ...... well ...... it's own gravity field, huh ? Dam !

Now, I've heard before that Doro has a heart of gold, but I've also heard that he had a pair of baby shoes bronzed. While the baby was still in them.
Now that hasn't been verified, but it still is something to think about.

And what's with Joe changing from "HearingImpaired" to "HearingImpared" ?
There has to be something sinister about that !!

:eek:

Jstas

mrbigbluelight wrote: »

And what's with Joe changing from "HearingImpaired" to "HearingImpared" ?
There has to be something sinister about that !!

:eek:

That's easy to explain! Joe is his own best friend! He tells me he does whatever the voices tell him to do anyway. So maybe it's a whole conspiracy thing...in his head. Like that show Herman's Head? Remember that show? Yeah, I do too. Hey, beaches are fun!

hearingimpared

I only talk back to the voices when their apparitions sit next to me in bed.

tonyb

Write in George Grand.....no bull crap,tell it like it is with out the PC.Plus he has an edge to him that I like.But the best reason to vote for him,is he sits in his driveway,drinking his joe,wearing one fish two fish red fish blue fish shorts....my kinda guy.

schwarcw

There was this one hottie in the TBT, well nevermind.:( I can't vote for her. It's hard because I am friend with all the candidates.



or . . .

schwarcw

But my vote has to go to the Kraken!

pearsall001

My vote's for Joe...cause he's bigger than me & he told me to do it!!! :D

dorokusai

I have chosen some cabinet members to ride out this storm, and they have accepted the call to duty(In NO particular order):

Jstas - Minister of Information
Shack - Chairman of the Reserve
Demiurge - Harbinger of Propaganda
George Grand - Special Consul
ZombieBoy2000 - Vice President
Russman - Herald
Ricardo - Liason to Female Employment

Please send your applications via PM and let's turn the tide of this battle to 11 on the volume knob! You can't run for President and not have a good core of more "likeable" folks to join you in the fight for loudspeaker equality.

Jstas

BREAKING NEWS!!!!


hearingimpared's Flatulence is a Major Contributor to Global Warming and Severe Asthma in Baby Harp Seals

DELAWARE -- The Environmental Protection Agency released a statement today condemning the actions of hearingimpared's aft regions and cited multiple instances and offenses resulting from the unfettered exhausting of deadly fumes from what hearingimpared refers to as his "bungus". The EPA further elaborated on the impact of such emanations and their destructive nature. The greenhouse gases contained in such environmental attacks have the potential to increase global temperature by 13 degrees in the next decade if they are allowed to continue.

The emanations are also responsible for more than 47,000 baby harp seal deaths due to acute respiratory distress associated with asthma brought on by the aggravation and subsequent inflammation of the alveoli in the harp seal lungs. When the alveoli become inflamed, they no longer transfer oxygen to blood according to Dr. Emil Strangelove of the EPA. The resulting suffering of the baby harp seals manifests in a hacking "smoker's cough" in which the seals eyes eventually pop out of their heads and their brain lubricant leaks out. This results in catastrophic cranial failure and imminent death due to excessive ocular socket trauma.

When hearingimpared was contacted concerning these accusations, his campaign office issued this response: "Hey! All yous goombas better get off his back! Da boss' bungus is a source of alternative energy that could power da fridges where we keep da bodies for, like, ever! Besides, who cares about da environment and a few stinkin' seals anyhows? Makes a nice fur coat for my lovely Violet! Wait? What? Whadaya mean I wasn't supposed ta say dat? Whadaya talkin' 'bout? No yous eff off ya crazy...(edited for content)...Hey! Yous listen here if yous knows what's good for ya! Yous betta votes fer hearingimpared! He's da head henchman and he's gonna win! SO remembah! Votes earlies and votes often...ya hear? Or else!" hearingimpared himself was not available for comment, his campaign office issued the statement that he was indisposed and not talkin' to no flatfoot newspaper hack no ways, no how.

In further news, the EPA applauded and issued a citation of commendation to ZombieBoy2000 for his "Club a Baby Seal Day" national campaign intended to alleviate the suffering brought forth by the gross environmental irresponsibility and negligence perpetrated by the hearingimpared campaign offices. hearingimpared's opponent in the presidential race, dorokusai issued a statement concerning his running mate's accolades. "Yeah, he's really awesome! He can club zombies too! If you elect myself as president I will bring an end to the wanton destruction caused by hearingimpared's bungus and put in place a comprehensive anti-zombie defense headed by the best zombie clubber this side of the Mississippi!" dorokusai and ZombieBoy2000 were unavailable for further comment. Their campaign offices informed us that they were on a junket for a fact finding mission concerning the validity of the claims that F1nut, another presidential candidate, is hoarding electricity from the power grid and storing it as static electricity in his hair so that he can shock elderly people in the adult diaper aisles of local WAL*MARTS.

Face

You have way too much time on your hands.

hearingimpared

mrbigbluelight wrote: »

And what's with Joe changing from "HearingImpaired" to "HearingImpared" ?
There has to be something sinister about that !!

:eek:

You big goof, I've always been hearingimpared because HearingImpaired was already taken.:cool::D:p

ben62670

Jstas wrote: »

BREAKING NEWS!!!!


hearingimpared's Flatulence is a Major Contributor to Global Warming and Severe Asthma in Baby Harp Seals

DELAWARE -- The Environmental Protection Agency released a statement today condemning the actions of hearingimpared's aft regions and cited multiple instances and offenses resulting from the unfettered exhausting of deadly fumes from what hearingimpared refers to as his "bungus". The EPA further elaborated on the impact of such emanations and their destructive nature. The greenhouse gases contained in such environmental attacks have the potential to increase global temperature by 13 degrees in the next decade if they are allowed to continue.

The emanations are also responsible for more than 47,000 baby harp seal deaths due to acute respiratory distress associated with asthma brought on by the aggravation and subsequent inflammation of the alveoli in the harp seal lungs. When the alveoli become inflamed, they no longer transfer oxygen to blood according to Dr. Emil Strangelove of the EPA. The resulting suffering of the baby harp seals manifests in a hacking "smoker's cough" in which the seals eyes eventually pop out of their heads and their brain lubricant leaks out. This results in catastrophic cranial failure and imminent death due to excessive ocular socket trauma.

When hearingimpared was contacted concerning these accusations, his campaign office issued this response: "Hey! All yous goombas better get off his back! Da boss' bungus is a source of alternative energy that could power da fridges where we keep da bodies for, like, ever! Besides, who cares about da environment and a few stinkin' seals anyhows? Makes a nice fur coat for my lovely Violet! Wait? What? Whadaya mean I wasn't supposed ta say dat? Whadaya talkin' 'bout? No yous eff off ya crazy...(edited for content)...Hey! Yous listen here if yous knows what's good for ya! Yous betta votes fer hearingimpared! He's da head henchman and he's gonna win! SO remembah! Votes earlies and votes often...ya hear? Or else!" hearingimpared himself was not available for comment, his campaign office issued the statement that he was indisposed and not talkin' to no flatfoot newspaper hack no ways, no how.

In further news, the EPA applauded and issued a citation of commendation to ZombieBoy2000 for his "Club a Baby Seal Day" national campaign intended to alleviate the suffering brought forth by the gross environmental irresponsibility and negligence perpetrated by the hearingimpared campaign offices. hearingimpared's opponent in the presidential race, dorokusai issued a statement concerning his running mate's accolades. "Yeah, he's really awesome! He can club zombies too! If you elect myself as president I will bring an end to the wanton destruction caused by hearingimpared's bungus and put in place a comprehensive anti-zombie defense headed by the best zombie clubber this side of the Mississippi!" dorokusai and ZombieBoy2000 were unavailable for further comment. Their campaign offices informed us that they were on a junket for a fact finding mission concerning the validity of the claims that F1nut, another presidential candidate, is hoarding electricity from the power grid and storing it as static electricity in his hair so that he can shock elderly people in the adult diaper aisles of local WAL*MARTS.

You're a good writer for a Dick!