"Friends" and Ex-Girlfriends

Demiurge

Thanks guys, I feel better now that I have talked about it.

I just got an email from him about it all. That right there tells me a few things about his character. He didn't do that until after I found out, and I prefer a face to face when you want to man up about things. Would have shown a lot more balls.

I basically told him the same things I said here. When I was done with her that was it. Emotionally attached? Of course I am, and like others have said I always will be in some small part. It was probably the most serious relationship I have been in, and I don't think you ever truly forget the experiences you have, hence the attachment.

It's not a question of what they can or can't do. I'm not with her, and I haven't been for some time. They're both adults. I agree with all that. I just think I'm justified in saying he's not much of a friend, and that I am better off emotionally cutting all ties. There are intricate details that aren't here which make his word meaningless. I didn't stick that fact in his face.

He still wants to be friends, and so on. I really want no role in it. I know he'll find out soon enough, and that will be that. I'll get the phone call about how I was right. It's sad this **** has to come between friends.

The failure of any relationship with her is guaranteed. If she couldn't last with all the support I gave her she's not going to get it anywhere with anyone else. She turned out to be anorexic. She's a really pretty girl, but none of that means a hill of beans without mental stability. She had all the help in the world and kicked friends, family, and her fiance out of the picture.

I'm better off, I would just rather not see my friends get dragged into the same scenario, nor do I want to be dragged back in to any degree myself.

shack

Call Dr. Phil...Or Oprah...They'll get you throught this...:rolleyes:

ohskigod

its not wether your friend is dating him or not, its how it went down that would tick me off.

there is an unwritten man law that says a good friend does not date said friend's ex. But the spirit of that law is, you dont do it because of the pain involved. If you were cool with it, then its fine, but obviously, your not, and there is deeper rooted mind games being played here. I cant tell what they are just from reading an internet post, but I sure as hell can tell that there are deep issues here.

Here's how I think it went down, maybe I'm wrong.

your "friend" and ex hook up, sometime before you even knew it. Eventually a little guilt, or fear, set in about you finding out. The Ex contacts you to get a bead on what your feelings are toward her. It seems the "friend" does the same thing by htting you with "hey, your ex says you want to get back together with her".

since you adamantly denied it, they now feel less guilty, hence the plastering of the relationship on myspace. here is the problem I would have.
I demand loyalty and honesty from my friends, almost to an unreasonable level (Fireman32 will confirm that)

If you want to date/bang/marry my ex, just tell me upfront. Dont play mindgames, just effin tell me. "Hey dude, do you mind if I date/marry/just friggin bang your ex?, I wanna make sure your cool with it" Then, from the heart, you tell the friend wether your cool with it or not. If your cool with it (like Sid was) then you give the blessing (with maybe a condition, like you get naked pics, whatever )

It might be something like you know it will bother you a little, but not enough to cockblock your friend (this is where not being a selfish **** comes into play). But if it really, genuinly tweaks your nipples, then you tell your bud. your bud has a choice, her or you. That would leave your friend with what could be a hard choice (if he actually loves her, yada yada), but hey, life's full of hard choices. as long as there is good comunication, he will be armed enough to make the right choice.

from your post, thats not how it went down, and I have to question the loyalty of your friend for it. Again, maybe I'm being unreasonable, but My friends would not be surprised by my position. Good luck on this one brotha.

ohskigod

Demiurge wrote:

. I just think I'm justified in saying he's not much of a friend, and that I am better off emotionally cutting all ties.

looks like your allready on board with my point, before even reading it . sad thing is, I dont think that was his intention, but what he did smacks of disloyalty either way.

your post hits the nail on the head. its not that he is dating her, its how he did it.

Demiurge

ohskigod wrote:

looks like your allready on board with my point, before even reading it . sad thing is, I dont think that was his intention, but what he did smacks of disloyalty either way.

your post hits the nail on the head. its not that he is dating her, its how he did it.

Thanks for your post too, I agree. I'm not sure they 'hooked up' until after the last time he and I went out. I don't doubt he had the intention. In all reality I don't think it was him so much as her. She knew he was a good friend. I wouldn't put it past her to sabotage a friendship because I ignored her. He plays a role in that, so he's responsible too.

He definitely doesn't want me to be pissed, and is playing the "It happened to me," card. Well, no **** brother....and how did that make you feel?!?! It's amazing what the love pouch will do to a mans brainpower...

fer chrissakes...

Willow

A long time back I was seeing this girl. I found out she was seeing a friend of mine. I bumped into them along with his room mate and business partner at a lounge. They took off (the girl and my friend). I then told his room mate....ummm I don't know how else to tell you but she was with me last night.(which was the last time I was with her).My friend talked to me a couple days later and thanked me for telling him and being honest.

I think after a while of not being with the person she is free to date my friends if it happens. Who am I to tell you who you can and can't date. I'm not going to stand in the way of something which might be meant to be !

steveinaz

Without sounding too wishy-washy here, things do happen for a reason. Learn from it and move on. You will experience great times with another woman down the road, TRUST ME.

Funny thing is my second wife was right in front of me, for 5 years, and what a difference she made in my life. I look back at all the memories that I thought couldn't be replaced---I was wrong, in a big way.

Take the high road, you'll feel better for it...

brettw22

I think the only thing that seems a little odd is that you were engaged to her, and he was a great friend, but they never met? in 3 years?

halo

What goes around comes around. I've had this happen a couple of times. Never bothered me because I knew what they were in for. Unfortunately I lost the friends because they felt uncomfortable around me. I think the ladies involved made my friends feel that way but that's my $.02.

We talked occasionally but I just hung back and stayed out of the way of their new found happiness. As time went by we talked less and less - eventually not at all. Some time later I heard they broke up. Felt kind of sorry for one of them because she really f#cked him up.

Demiurge

brettw22 wrote:

I think the only thing that seems a little odd is that you were engaged to her, and he was a great friend, but they never met? in 3 years?

He lives in Chicago. We didn't see eachother as much since he moved. He was still was one of my best friends. The one of the few who you can spill your guts do, and I did.

Also, we tended to give ourselves our own space outside of the relationship. We had our seperate friends, and our mutual friends. I think that's healthy. Between her trying to finish up college, working, and me running my business time was slim.

I guess there might have been a time we were at the same function and they met, but I can't recall of that top of my head. That's really neither here nor there. It is funny now that you mention it, but it surely doesn't change the fact you don't betray a good friends trust like that. She wasn't a fling, and he wasn't just some guy I liked to share a drink with once in a blue moon.