"Friends" and Ex-Girlfriends

Demiurge

So, what say you on this subject? Seem this nightmare scenario is playing itself out in all it's cinematic glory right before my very eyes.

I dated this girl for about 3 years, and then we broke things off. It was really messy, and a "good friend" really helped me get over it all. She knew of him, but that was it. They may have chatted on-line through my AIM or something way back when, but none the less -- no connection.

In any event lots of words have been exchanged in the year and a half since I have been out and over this chick. She got dumped by some guy a couple months back and is spamming me with emails, etc. I pretty much just replied with a "What do you want from me?" That was the end of it.

I hung out with my friend about 2 weeks ago and he brings the subject up again. We're both just talking **** about the whole situation back and forth. Then he says "She told me you want to get back together with her." I'm like -- what in the eff? First of all why are you talking to her, second of all she's like 3 girlfriends ago at this point.

That whole conversation got lost in booze, and that was that. He headed back to Chicago and then through MySpace I notice some interesting stuff. It looks like it's all being shoved in my face, but they're hanging out -- etc.

I wasn't getting internally pissed off (you know how that goes) so much as I couldn't believe what a 2-faced schmoe this guy was. Talk about a huge betrayal of trust.

The way I see it is if they're going to be together fine. Is it just me, or isn't the unwritten rule of not dating your buddies ex pretty much set in stone? I guess, so long as you expect to have a friend.

I just with this little girl would drop off the face of the earth. No matter how far away I think I am it always keeps coming back. Why?

Schris22

I was confused reading that. but know that I tried. And I'm sure you benefit more from writing that then, me reading it.

I hope everything gets better.

And I think I did get something at the end. What if you guys just break up just because of mutal disagreements and this girl might be a perfect match for your friend. Is that so bad? *just a scenario not your case*


Chris

VR3

If you're over her...

Does it really matter?

My friend is actually dating one of my exes right now and I could honestly care less...

Demiurge

I guess if I never had an emotional attachment to her I probably wouldn't care. Friends aren't supposed to do that to a friend. Lots of girls out there. They went out of their way for this one.

Like I said, they can do whatever they want. They're adults -- I'm just saying I am not going to be a part of it, and this guy can **** off if he finds himself in trouble and needs a friend.

I consider part of moving on cutting all ties, unless kids are involved.

Demiurge

Vr3MxStyler2k3 wrote:

If you're over her...

Does it really matter?

My friend is actually dating one of my exes right now and I could honestly care less...

You're what, 17?

I doubt you were going to marry her, were you, Sid?

aaharvel

I've had that happen to me with my best friend about 5 years ago.

The way I handled it: I just ignored it. I look at it that your friend might have trouble interacting with girls if he's getting involved with your leftovers.
I'm only saying that, because it happened to me. Verbatim. My ex had issues. Hence, she's my EX. Obviously, my friend had issues by doing what he was doing, but I wasn't mad. Of course it bothered me that he was my friend and all, and there IS an unwritten rule that you just don't do things like that... but after about an hour of contemplating it-- i basically said F--k it. I don't care.

I just ignored them both, I let the truth play out, and it did. He ended coming up to me a couple years later and basically said she's a couple beers shy of a 6-pack. My reaction was: "And you're surprised?"

So basically long story short, I was proven correct, my ex is still a psycho (now single with 2 kids) and my old friend and I talk on occasion, we get along fine. Though I made it clear to him that that was your one free get-outta-jail card regarding he and I.

Just ignore them both Dave. It'll all work out. And it might not be personal with your friend, but if you ignore them both, you're guaranteed to get your point across to her. If she wants to twist that around into an illusion that you're jealous, trust me... she'll get bored with that idiotic hypothesis when she starts to realize that she STILL misses you more than you miss her.

Peace.

cindy100

Demiurge,

Hi! Have to put my opinion in on this one and agree with the unwritten rule of never going out with your friend's ex, period. I wouldn't consider anyone who would do that a friend. By the way, I always thought that was an unwritten rule just between women!

Cindy

Demiurge

aaharvel wrote:

I've had that happen to me with my best friend about 5 years ago.

The way I handled it: I just ignored it. I look at it that your friend might have trouble interacting with girls if he's getting involved with your leftovers.
I'm only saying that, because it happened to me. Verbatim. My ex had issues. Hence, she's my EX. Obviously, my friend had issues by doing what he was doing, but I wasn't mad. Of course it bothered me that he was my friend and all, and there IS an unwritten rule that you just don't do things like that... but after about an hour of contemplating it-- i basically said F--k it. I don't care.

I just ignored them both, I let the truth play out, and it did. He ended coming up to me a couple years later and basically said she's a couple beers shy of a 6-pack. My reaction was: "And you're surprised?"

So basically long story short, I was proven correct, my ex is still a psycho (now single with 2 kids) and my old friend and I talk on occasion, we get along fine. Though I made it clear to him that that was your one free get-outta-jail card regarding he and I.

Just ignore them both Dave. It'll all work out. And it might not be personal with your friend, but if you ignore them both, you're guaranteed to get your point across to her. If she wants to twist that around into an illusion that you're jealous, trust me... she'll get bored with that idiotic hypothesis when she starts to realize that she STILL misses you more than you miss her.

Peace.

Andrew,

Right the hell on man!

This chick had MAJOR issues that surfaced late on in the relationship. She did end it before me, because I was still under the illusion she could get some help if you offer some guidance (I'll never make that mistake again :rolleyes:), but they have to want it.

I'm far from perfect, but I know that it was never going to work out with me or anyone else until she was ready to deal with her baggage. Needless to say she got shitcanned by the guy after me for the exact same reasons (we do have mutual friends so word makes it's way from time to time).

In any event, I agree with what you said. I do feel I am already over it because I have ignored it. He's done and she's done. I won't call him up and ****, or anything of the sort.

The way I see it is that he'll find out soon enough. You'd think that after hearing all the stuff I told him way back when we broke up that he'd steer clear of this like she was toxic.

The only part that bums me out is having to lose a friend over a effed up chick.

Demiurge

cindy100 wrote:

Demiurge,

Hi! Have to put my opinion in on this one and agree with the unwritten rule of never going out with your friend's ex, period. I wouldn't consider anyone who would do that a friend. By the way, I always thought that was an unwritten rule just between women!

Cindy

Thanks, I'm always glad to hear that it's like this on the other side of the fence as well. I was starting to think it was just a myth, despite the fact that I would never do it.

brettw22

Is it at all possible that the 'you' connection didn't hit them until after they'd physically met (not years ago IM scenario)?

If your hands are washed of her, I'd say she's off your emotional radar and let it go. What's the point of wasting energy now when you deemed her not worth of said energy back then? Set guidelines with the guy friend that no problems involving her will be discussed, as your ties have been made......

F1nut

Hmmmm......so your friend is dating an ex from 18 months ago, so what!?! It happens all the time. If you're really a friend to this person, wish him happiness and continue being friends. As long as he wasn't seeing her at the same time you were there's no harm, no foul.

dorokusai

I would suggest you kill them both....but that's just me.

Roy Munson

I agree with Jesse, it does happen all the time and it's uncool, but remember that old saying "all is fair in love and war."

Demiurge

Maybe you guys deal with things differently than I do, and that's fine.

The emotional attachment will never ever truly be gone, and that's not something you can understand unless you experienced it. I like to know I am alive, so I'll hold on to my experiences.

What's also being left out of this discussion are a lot of things that were said by him which make his word as useless as **** on a bull. I think a persons word means a lot, and if I didn't agree with Andrews assesment of what's really going on it might be easier to look past.

When I broke up with this chick that was it. Out of the blue a year and a half later she's gotta try contacting me again? She sees I have moved on, and obviously doesn't like the lack of response. Then somehow my good friend is on the hunt? I don't know, sounds fishy to me. They live 2 hours away from one another. Can't help but agree she wants to see jealousy. I'm not, being apart from her was a blessing in disguise. Could you imagine kids and marriage as the time all of these issues pop up?

What do you mean, Jesse, if I am really a friend? If this guy was really a friend he would have the dignity to say no. It's called not shitting on those you rely on through thick and thin. If it wasn't something agreed upon between 2 friends it would be a different story.

Ya'll can read into it however you like. I'm just a guy who is trying to live his life free of drama.

PolkThug

dorokusai wrote:

I would suggest you kill them both....but that's just me.

Yep, his 'friend' broke the code, "bro's before ho's!"

brettw22

I didn't pick up on you having approached the marriage thing with her.

I agree with living free of drama........but who your friends date (your ex or not) shouldn't ever induce drama onto YOUR life. There may be times when advice or stuff is requested/offered, but after that convo your hands are washed......

We can't speak intelligently on the situation not knowing what things were said between you and him, but regardless, as long as you have clearly defined boundaries, you shouldn't have a problem keeping his drama (with her) away. If your boundaries say that he can't be around you any more, then that's that and let him know that. Only you can decide what you are and are not comfortable with.

Andrew's advice was to ignore it.......but you're not doing that.......you're getting emotionally invested (bothered, irritated, upset, whatever) in a situation that you had otherwise maneuvered yourself out of (until her recent contact and subsequent timeline discovery between them).

You decided you didn't want to deal with her then.........so stop discussing her now.

F1nut

What do you mean, Jesse, if I am really a friend? If this guy was really a friend he would have the dignity to say no. It's called not shitting on those you rely on through thick and thin. If it wasn't something agreed upon between 2 friends it would be a different story.

How is he shitting on you? Your relationship with her ended 18 months ago. It's not as though he was seeing her behind your back or that he "stole" her away from you. I don't see the situation as any big deal other than the one you're making it out to be.

Demiurge

brettw22 wrote:

I didn't pick up on you having approached the marriage thing with her.

I agree with living free of drama........but who your friends date (your ex or not) shouldn't ever induce drama onto YOUR life. There may be times when advice or stuff is requested/offered, but after that convo your hands are washed......

We can't speak intelligently on the situation not knowing what things were said between you and him, but regardless, as long as you have clearly defined boundaries, you shouldn't have a problem keeping his drama (with her) away. If your boundaries say that he can't be around you any more, then that's that and let him know that. Only you can decide what you are and are not comfortable with.

Andrew's advice was to ignore it.......but you're not doing that.......you're getting emotionally invested (bothered, irritated, upset, whatever) in a situation that you had otherwise maneuvered yourself out of (until her recent contact and subsequent timeline discovery between them).

You decided you didn't want to deal with her then.........so stop discussing her now.

I guess I should have just chalked this post up as a rant. Something that I very well could have just done in Microsoft Word, printed off, burned, and have been done with it.

I've decided to cut ties with him as I just don't deal well with that. You confide in friends and girlfriends (at least I do) on different levels. I can't trust a guy who is dating someone I spent 3 years of my life with and almost married. If you guys can work yourself around that you are better men than me -- I can't do it.

This all came to a head today, so I am still processing it, but my mind is made up.

Demiurge

F1nut wrote:

How is he shitting on you? Your relationship with her ended 18 months ago. It's not as though he was seeing her behind your back or that he "stole" her away from you. I don't see the situation as any big deal other than the one you're making it out to be.

Okay, Jesse -- if you got a divorce (and I had the ring, so this relationship was headed there) and your best friend shacked up with your ex wife a year and a half later you have no beef with that? Somehow I doubt it. If not, well once again you're a better man than me.

What do you talk about with your friends? Ever tell them things you wouldn't want repeated to an ex? How about all of the mind games some women play?

F1nut

Demi, with all due respect. I remember when that relationship ended and I recall you weren't very happy about. I think you are still bothered by how it ended or may still have some feelings for her despite you saying otherwise. Either way, it's perfectly normal. I think that if you were truly free of her, this wouldn't bother you.

To answer your first question. Hey, she's my EX.....I'm done with her and you're welcome to her. That doesn't make me better or worse than you. We just look at life differently.

As for the other questions, I never have been a big talker about my relationship issues with my male friends and I never talk about what goes on behind closed doors. I have a few male friends that do....or at least try to. Truth is, I don't want to hear about it and it makes me think they are insecure about their abilities.

Mind games? Women? Those, my friend, go hand in hand.......no getting around it.

exalted512

i heard on the radio there was a ruling by the men of the round table that any ex-girlfriends of best friends are totally off limits. Exception being if the girl is extremely hot, then its 6 months.
-Cody

F1nut

Cody brings up a good point. There is an acceptable time frame.....I mean 18 days would piss me off, but 18 months is cool.

brettw22

"Man Law" Toast.

F1nut

No matter how far away I think I am it always keeps coming back. Why?

Six degrees of separation.

danger boy

as i see it.. and i'm an expert on matters of the heart.. blame the whole damn thing on MySpace.com simple, end of story, move on.



Kick your friend in the nuts.. that always puts a smile on my face right away.

bobman1235

Meh, right or wrong, I'm with you Demi - I'd be pissed. At the VERY least, your friend should have approached you at some point and given you a heads up. If he's your friend, he would know how this would affect you and would try and soften the blow. Even if by other people's standards you're blowing this out of proportion, your friend should know what your reaction would be, and moreso, should CARE what your reaction would be.

jdhdiggs

Depends on a lot, if he's a really close friend, he shouldn't of even thought about it unless it was a girl you went out with once or twice. A girlfriend of 3 years should be off limits. Now if he's a guy you hang out with once in a blue moon, shouldn't let it bug you.

I think it bugs the ex because A). After being together that long you will still have some emotional attachment

. Your losing your buddy to a hose-beast that you kicked to the curb

C). Above stated hose-beast will typically go out of her way to try and make you jealous and your buddy is/will be oblivious to it.

reeltrouble1

hmmmmmmmmm...........I think ex girlfriends are a bit different from
ex fiance's. I am for the man law of 6 months for ex girlfriend's letting your bud know you are sniffing.

Ex-fiance's are hands off taboo.

Sorry to hear Demi.

RT1

heiney9

It's pretty much an unwritten code with good friends. You had a serious relationship with this woman and at the very least if he's even remotely considering seeing her he should have talked with you about it, it's a respect thing.

Now if it was short fling, it's not as much of an issue. But when you have a significant relationship, no matter what the reason for the breakup, that person was in your life and you will always have a small part of her with you. So I say he was a bastage unless much time has passed since your break up.

H9

steveinaz

I can understand why your upset. You expect a little loyalty from friends. Time to ditch both of them...trust me, you will get past this; might take 3-4 years, but you'll get past it. Cut all ties, and never look back. Good luck.

criverajr

MAN LAW!! Ex-Girlfriends as least 6 months, too, too, too, many fine girls out their to let this get you down, drop'em like their hot and Move On.


CRj