Grandpa???

DarqueKnight

George Grand wrote:

The first time you go over to visit and the guy still has no job, just look him in the eye real hard, and ask... "Is the reason you're not working because you're smoking **** all day?" If he says yes, deck him. When he wakes up, and after you smash the **** out of his video games, ask him the same question.

Hmmm, I don't know. I think this guy would be pleased if this would happen. I would give him the opportunity to sue for harassment, personal injury, and property loss. The financial settlement he would receive would provide him with more time to piss away playing with his brand new video games.

F1nut

Consider adoption for the child or abortion, because based on your information the baby is going to have a tough life.

Agreed and I'd have the bum busted too.

schwarcw

****! There are no easy answers, or guarantees. Show genuine interest in the man, but make sure he understands that you will be the leader of the lynch mob if he screws up, yet alone cause your daughter pain and heartache. Welcome and love the baby, show excitement and give the young man and your daughter a chance. If not, they'll always hold it against you. Let him know that you will be all over him when he screws up. Give him a list of expectations, both your daughter and her man must sign the agreement in writing. If they don't live up to your expectations, let them know that they are letting you down. Be direct, but not too confrontational. You need to have his respect in order to earn your trust. Good luck! You'll need it. sometimes people change, and most of the time when they do, it's beause they understand what is expected of them and the consequences. Most of all, show them that you are willing to love them both.

schwarcw

In your case this may not apply. But he worst thing about being a grandfather is that you have to sleep with a grandmother:D

Frank Z

you will be the leader of the lynch mob if he screws up

Don't take this the wrong way, but there's a much better way to put this. I know what you mean and agree with the sentiment, but considering there is a race card on the table...perhaps a different term is in order.

Get's off political correctness soap box.....

DarqueKnight

Considering the facts that she has stayed with this guy for nine years AND she has allowed herself to be impregnated by him, we can assume that she has some affection for him. Hostility from her family would only drive her closer to him and drive a wedge between her and the people who are most willing and able to offer her sound advice and emotional support.

Hopefully, she will make wiser choices in the future.

dkg999

Tough situation, and the tough love thing is often harder on those that have to deliver than those that have to receive it!

George Grand had the best answer! It's a sad comment on the current state of our world that GG's plan would make you the bad person, and everyone would feel sorry for the bum :mad: It just ain't right

schwarcw

Frank Z wrote:

Don't take this the wrong way, but there's a much better way to put this. I know what you mean and agree with the sentiment, but considering there is a race card on the table...perhaps a different term is in order.

Get's off political correctness soap box.....

OOPS! Bad choice of words:( My apologies! No political incorrectness intended.

Holydoc

Dennis, Cfrizz, and DarqueKnight have given excellent advice. This is a tough situation for anyone but any animosity or outright rebellious behaviour against your daughter, her love interest, or their decisions will only push you apart from her. This is something that you would regret very quickly.

The best advice I can offer is to listen to her when she speaks to you (you do not have to agree, but you need to listen), offer advice only when she asks for it (people know when they are in hard times. They do not need you to remind them), and always offer love and physical support when you can.

However never offer or give monetary support. Money should never leave your pocket and go into their hands. If they need diapers and have no way to afford them, then you go with your daughter to the store and help her purchase them. If the baby needs food and they have no way to get it, then you go to the store with your daughter and help her purchase it. If they need the electricity turned on because there is no way they can possibly afford it, you go to the power company with your daughter and help her.

This will show your daughter that you are there for her. She will always know that if things get really bad, she is always welcome in your arms. Also this will give you piece of mind knowing that your efforts are being perceived as caring and that you are not just funding trivial items by just giving them cash.

Remember that she is your daughter. Like all of us, she will make mistakes in life. But also remember that she is also an adult. Therefore she has to mature and take on her own responsibilities. Accept her mistakes, show by example the road to maturity, and always let her know she is loved.

As for the young man, you are not his father. You are not responsible for his wants. When you help them make it clear that you will only help with funds where it is necessary for the child and the daughter. If he wants cigarettes, booze, or even a pizza let him get it himself. Maybe by example he will see how a real parent acts and grow up a bit.

Good luck... You have my prayers... and God Bless.

beardog03

kneecap the punk..
and let her raise the baby...it`s what she wants , afterall..

be there for moral support, but....


I`m goin back to bed...I`m getting in a mood...

Frank Z

beardog03 wrote:

...I`m getting in a mood...

Around here it's known as a case of the ****.

szhleppy

Best of luck to you Tony.

Regardless of the other issues on the table, "lazy" is the offense that pisses me off. It would take everything I have to not follow the plan from Grand.

spwuinmk67

tonyb wrote:

Another good key word,"responsibility". When they are hard up for money,she gets a second job,he works part-time.My God,is there any pride left
in American males anymore?

Yes, there is some. At 20 years old, I've worked two jobs for over a year now, and I just picked up a third last week. I know slightly off topic, but had to say it.

brettw22

Diapers and food period. If they came crawling for the power bill or anything like that, I'd tell them that I'd gladly take the child while they figured out how they're going to make things work. Either that, or I'd welcome daughter and child into your home. Even that though I'd hesitate on because at some point she'll get snotty with you not giving the handout to the bum as well.

The daughter's already made the choice to drive a wedge between her and her dad by her choices, so IMO shutting them both out together would be more tough love than you causing a problem. The problem already exists.....pretending it doesn't isn't doing anyone any favors. If she doesn't like ot hear that she's **** her life up, then she can quit **** her life up so she doesn't have to hear about it. Family or not, sugarcoating doesn't do anyone any favors.

mrbigbluelight

Frank Z wrote:

If they ask for your help ($$$$$) offer food and clothing only. Don't ever let them get in your wallet...ever.

Let you daughter know that you're always there for her, ALWAYS.

....but not with money.

Your love is limitless.

Prediction: Ol' Smoky Joe will figure he can outwait you. Your daughter gets two jobs to bring home the bacon while Joe sits on the couch. You'll observe some signs of *relatively speaking minor child neglect; diaper rash, baby sitting in a diaper that should have been changed 10 minutes ago, etc.
He'll drag his feet on correcting these problems, and you'll get so angry you want to kill him.
Don't. Have patience.

Because, and here's the important part, you'll see these upsetting things AND SO WILL YOUR DAUGHTER.

She has to be made to see these things for herself, with no comments from you, IMHO. Don't allow the situation to arise where the child becomes secondary to her because she's too busy defending Dilbert. Eliminate that possibility by being there for her, but without trying to "convince her" what a worthless piece of **** he is.

Tough ? Yeah, real ball-breaking tough. But it can be done and, judging by your obvious concern and love for her, it will be done.

YOU MUST ALLOW HER TO COME TO HER OWN CONCLUSIONS.

Will the child at times be put at risk ? Yes.
But you know what ? The child is ALREADY at risk and he/she hasn't even been born yet.
So the key is to get the child, and your daughter, out of the environment she has had a substantial role in creating at quickly as possible.
And when I say "quickly", I estimate it will take two years. Two years of you withholding comments, no matter how correct. Two years of seeing things, hearing things, you shouldn't have to see or hear.

But you can do it, you will do it. Hang tough.

*As the parents of children on here know, a case of diaper rash, etc isn't child neglect in and of itself. But, not unlike pornography, while difficult to define, you know it when you see it.

Spawndn72

I feel for you man. But I think you need to realize that your daughter is not "Daddy's little girl" anymore. 24 is young, but she is plenty old enough to be having kids. She has a college education and the world is her oyster. The only problem is this boat anchor of a boyfriend she is carrying around. However she chose the boat anchor. My advice is to be a Grandfather. Babysit, take him/her to the park. Spoil them rotten, etc.

However, your little girl is now a grown women who should be able to take care of herself. So let her. When/if she ask you for money, diapers, food, clothing, etc. Ask yourself this: " Would I have ever asked my parents for what she is asking me for ". If the answer is yes, then you should probably do it. If the answer is no.....well I think you see where I am headed.

Last but not least, I and my family will be praying for you and yours.

Todd

bikezappa

tonyb

A few things to consider. Why did your daughter suddenly get pregnate after living with her BF for many years? Did she get off birth control? Why? Did this BF know she was off birth control pills?

Good luck

cfrizz

Why does any of this matter? The fact is that there is a baby on the way & it is BOTH the daughter's & the bums responsibility to take care of it, & not go running to others to bail them out.

bikezappa wrote:

tonyb

A few things to consider. Why did your daughter suddenly get pregnate after living with her BF for many years? Did she get off birth control? Why? Did this BF know she was off birth control pills?

Good luck

bikezappa

If I were the gandpa I would want to know these answers. We are all giving advice here and maybe we don't know the background.

But you are correct cfrizz it should be about what is best for the baby.

In fact, I really don't know anything about the people involved in this mess. So I have no advice, but I just feel sorry for the baby.

shack

One of my good friends married a woman with 3 daughters. The oldest followed much the same path as your daughter. First "father" (I use the term loosely) ended up in jail ended up offering no support. Second child came from another "father" no better than the first. The wife of my friend literally spends everything she makes to support her daughter because of the grandchildren. She also expects my friend to work his **** off to support the two of them AND contribute to the daughter and her two children. My friend is not a cold hearted man, but he is fed up with taking over the responsibilities of not only the "fathers" of the two grandchildren but also his wife's ex who does nothing to help. The sad part is that no-one is appreciative of the support. It is expected of him, and if he raises any questions about the enabling and lack of responsibility by others he is vilified for "not understanding". Because of this a divorce is imminent. The sad part is that the other 2 step-daughters seem to have turned out ok, but the one is creating such turmoil that he just can’t tolerate the situation any more and he sees no end in sight. He is 50 years old and nearing financial problems because of the situation. There is no way to win. Only losers. I also know two other families that have taken legal guardianship of their grandchildren and are raising children again in their 50s because of similar situations.

I am sorry to be such a gloom and doom purveyor…but these are the realities of situations such as yours. How you handle it is up to you. IMHO, enabling is not the answer. THE PARENTS need to take responsibility or lose the children to you or someone who will care for them properly. Good luck.

Chuck_Norris

Hmm. Sounds like this character could use a good round-house kick to the head. Good luck straightening it all out.

Skynut

Another question is whether or not the daughter is also smoking dope?
Her intake will affect the baby, obviously, she needs to be clean.
Clean = no booze, cigarettes, or dope.
Very important for the baby.
The baby is the most important thing now and she needs to know that.
If you only offer help for the baby she should recognize this fact.
But what do I know, I just married into my only children and I have no idea how to raise them.

steveinaz

I'm a parent and a grandparent, and sans some sort of tragedy, I refuse to raise my grand children. PERIOD. I see it everyday, grandparents being parents, it's pure **** in my book and touchy subject for me. This kids need to step up to the plate and raise their own children.

This is becoming an epidemic in America, and it's because grandparents have a conscience and a sense of responsibility, and our spoiled **** children don't---alot of grandparents bring it on themselves though by "supporting" the habit. hey, there's tons of good couples out there who would love to adopt a child, if you have no intention of raising your child and plan on dumping it on your parents, put the baby up for adoption.

Luckily I've never been in that situation, but I made sure my kids knew from an early age that I would not raise their children for them; that's their responsibility and decision. Probably explains why my daughter didn't get pregnant as a teen--she knew I was serious; that, and I made sure that she did alot of baby sitting (I would pick people who had bratty children on purpose) so she could get a taste of reality.

I work with this woman, who is in her late 50's. Her daughter has been in and out of jail for drug charges for the last 8 years. Everytime this dipstick gets out of jail, she has another baby! Needless to say, her mom is now raising 3 grandchildren--and yes, she's back in jail again. Unbelieveable. What the hell is so wrong with adoption? What kind of life are those children going to have when grandma dies, and they're still kids? Go back to the crack-ho mother? How long will that last? Adopt these children out to people who are committed and ready to raise a child correctly in a good environment.

Having said that, if my son and daugher-in-law were in some tragic accident in which they both died, I'd absolutely raise my 3 grandchildren. These are totally different circumstances.

Skynut

Thats a good idea steve, make them babysit brats.
That will give them an idea of what they were like and what thier kids will be like.
I have such a hard time with my kids, they do the stupidest things and I just think "I did the same thing when I was their age, why?"
I have no answer but I sure do get constant reminders of the stupid crap I pulled.

cfrizz

I wish more parents would adopt your attitude Steve! My best freind finally did, but she voluntarily put herself through hell first before she finally saw the light!

steveinaz wrote:

I'm a parent and a grandparent, and sans some sort of tragedy, I refuse to raise my grand children. PERIOD. I see it everyday, grandparents being parents, it's pure **** in my book and touchy subject for me. This kids need to step up to the plate and raise their own children.

This is becoming an epidemic in America, and it's because grandparents have a conscience and a sense of responsibility, and our spoiled **** children don't---alot of grandparents bring it on themselves though by "supporting" the habit. hey, there's tons of good couples out there who would love to adopt a child, if you have no intention of raising your child and plan on dumping it on your parents, put the baby up for adoption.

Luckily I've never been in that situation, but I made sure my kids knew from an early age that I would not raise their children for them; that's their responsibility and decision. Probably explains why my daughter didn't get pregnant as a teen--she knew I was serious; that, and I made sure that she did alot of baby sitting (I would pick people who had bratty children on purpose) so she could get a taste of reality.

I work with this woman, who is in her late 50's. Her daughter has been in and out of jail for drug charges for the last 8 years. Everytime this dipstick gets out of jail, she has another baby! Needless to say, her mom is now raising 3 grandchildren--and yes, she's back in jail again. Unbelieveable. What the hell is so wrong with adoption? What kind of life are those children going to have when grandma dies, and they're still kids? Go back to the crack-ho mother? How long will that last? Adopt these children out to people who are committed and ready to raise a child correctly in a good environment.

steveinaz

It's pitiful Cathy, I'll bet 60% of the people I know at work are raising their grandchildren. Not in this lifetime baby. My kids got rules drilled in their heads from birth:

Rule 1: I will not raise your kids.
Rule 2: On your 18th birthday, you're getting tossed out of the nest unless....(a) you are actively in full time school; or (b) you are working full time, in which case I'll give you a year to find a home/apartment.
Rule 3: You will buy AND insure your car, YOURSELF.
Rule 4: My house, my rules, don't like it...you know where the front door is...

ohskigod

this is tough man. I dont have kids, so i cant imagine.

my .02. she is an adult. my father allways drilled into my head that I am responsible for my own decisions. He told me that he raised me best he could (and pretty good by the way) and then hoped I would make the right decisions.

She is in charge of her life, she makes her own decisions. I can see why you dont like her life path, but it doesnt change the blunt truth that she is in charge of her own destiny and life.

If they need help, its you call as to what level of help you want to give. from none to full ride, your decision is you decision, you certainly have bno one to answer for it.

I wish you the best, and hope all turns out well.

sucks2beme

I know how bad it is to watch this. My wife's family has several members like this. Both the bum husband/boyfriend and also some worthless wifes that
suck all the life out of their spouses. We have gotten out of the habit in America of evaluating potential spouses by merit, instead promoting "true love".
The choice of spouses is the most important decision most people make, yet
often it gets glossed over.
There is a good chance that the boyfriend will lose interest after the baby.
Maybe he will have a change of heart and change for the good.
I wish you all the luck in the world. With any luck, your support of her will win
her over and help her put her life on track.