Grandpa???

tonyb

For all you parents out there.....My daughter,at the wise old age of 24,
comes to me last week and tells me I will be a grandpa.Yeah,first reaction
is"congrats" right?Hold on hombre.A tad bit of background first.Haveing
thrown out the instruction manual that came with the kid,I thought I gave her a good sence of things.Her mom and I divorced after 18 yrs,she was 16 and her sister 14.Needless to say 25 grand later,kids are mine.She has always
worked,sometimes 2 jobs and we got her thru college and recently
graduated.Something an **** like me never did,I was proud.She lives with a guy,a boyfriend of 9 yrs,but...for the lack of a better word,a bum.Yes,he
is the father.He is 27 and as long as I have known him,hasn't worked a full time job for more than 2-months running.Part-time is his gig,playing video
games and smoking pot is the other.But,she's in love and about to bring a baby into this world.SO..point is...haveing a hard time feeling happy for her.
YEP,told her of the hardships she faces,but as usual,they think they can handle it.Me on the other hand,is haveing a hard time of it.We all want better for our kids.How do you guys cope with this BS.? I hate seeing her throw
away everything she worked so hard to get.Damn,should have kept that
instruction manual.Thanks for listening,had to vent,I know in the long run
I will do what every parent does today.....WING IT!!!

PolkThug

Talk to him.

audiobliss

Considering the wealth of experiences I've encountered in my 18 years, I'll hold back on the advice. However, I will be praying for you and her and that things will work out.

I will say, however, that this story does sound very similar to my sister's story. She and her husband are both close to 40, and he's (hopefully...finally) on his way to a good job. They're struggling everyday, with their 6 year old daughter (my neice ), but they seem to be happy enough. I guess in the end that's what really matters.

tonyb

PolkThug wrote:

Talk to him.

Already did.Told him he has to step up to the plate.Yeah,right,
nothing has changed.OH,and they want to get married but have no money
and looking to me for support.....how can I ?Thats like enableing them,
isn't it?

bobman1235

Talk to him with a Louisville Slugger.

Not that this is much in the way of ADVICE (and I'm far too young to be doling out advice on this k ind of topic anyways) BUT having a child has been known to have a profound effect on the most lazy of bums. So maybe having a baby of his own will be the motivation / kick in the **** he needs.

Dennis Gardner

Considering the fact that they think they can handle it, there isn't much you can do, but offer support, not direction. The ability to direct them will only come as they mature enough to realize the errors, or fail miserably enough to shock them into reality.

Buy stuff for your grandbaby, if money is an issue, buy food, diapers, clothing and keep the lights on, but do it for the baby not your daughter.

After 9 years and a pregnancy, it sounds like the courthouse not the church, for the ceremony as $$$ should go for the baby, not them. It isn't a time to celebrate yet, its time to get busy.

Be a kickstand, not a full airlift.

I became Grandpa a couple months back for the first time and it is just now sinking in to me how to support without enabling. Good luck and Congrats!!!

tonyb

I failed to throw in the kicker here.Never been a prejudice person,
but he is black,and thats OK,comes from 3-generations of welfare.
My dear old daughter,wants a new job,I explain to her that no
health ins. company will cover that if she changes now.You know
what this sick ****'s mother tells her....to wait to get married
and go on welfare cause it's free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to scream
and cry at the same time. AAAAAAAARG.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tonyb

Dennis ,Just seems like I am the one getting kicked lately. a kickstand is what I always am.
Thank you though,good advice.

PolkThug

tonyb wrote:

Already did.Told him he has to step up to the plate.Yeah,right,
nothing has changed.OH,and they want to get married but have no money
and looking to me for support.....how can I ?Thats like enableing them,
isn't it?

You shouldn't and you are right. Unfortunately, I have a situation like this very near to me and when you help people like this financially it basically promotes their bad/lazy behavior and they won't change when you are their crutch, and its difficult to say no to people that are close to you. The best thing you can do is NOT help financially, unless you make a stipulation that he has to hold a full time job for one year, then you will talk again about a contribution. I assume she doesn't want to walk down the aisle with a bulge and will wait til after.

There is absolutely no excuse for an able 27-year old man to not have a full-time job, hell, when I need extra money I take on two jobs, and I've done so while getting my master's degree.

Regards

madmax

No real life experience in this area but I wish you good luck! Oh, and whatever the circumstances, get ready to enjoy, guide and mold your new grandchilds life.
madmax

tonyb

I can get angry all I want now but I know once I see that newborn
baby's face,I'll melt like you can't believe.I just don't remember any of this
crap in the parental handbook.

Dennis Gardner

Since no coverage is currently in force and you are right that no insurance will pick them up, I reluctantly suggest the state assisted route since a premature or complicated birth could run into the 10s of thousands or push them into bankruptcy if they are picking up the bill themselves.

The lesson to teach her is since that she didn't plan this very well, swallowing pride is in order and doing the right thing by the baby by seeking assistance may be the best route.

Your daughter is the one that will be stuck with the bills, not the bum BF. It would take years for them to include him in the equation for collection.

jdhdiggs

Dennis' advice looks the best so far. It is virtually impossible to get the welfare mentality out of people. It has become an unfortunate burden of our society. I don't think you'll be able to remove that obsticle. Just don't be the enabler as Dennis said.

Another option is get him busted. For pot it's not hard time nor for a long time but it might just scare his lazy butt into doing something other than being a societal leech.

All in all, its just a crappy situation. I have seen this type of thing twice before and both times when you try and pin down the father to be a dad, he bolts. I hope that this is the exception and he mans up and does what's right.

hoosier21

this is a sad story, bright girl, a bum and a baby on the way

bitter sweet at best

best of luck with this complicated issue

tonyb

See,she has medical coverage now and the baby would be taken care of,
but not if she switches jobs,she just never thought of it.Planned
parenthood comes to mind with the key word being 'planned".

jdhdiggs

tonyb wrote:

See,she has medical coverage now and the baby would be taken care of,
but not if she switches jobs,she just never thought of it.Planned
parenthood comes to mind with the key word being 'planned".

Well, try to convince her to stay at her current job... When the kid comes, that's the only place your help should come in. Unfortunately, even by helping the baby, you would be enabling the parents as that reponsibility is taken from them. Ah hell, good luck, I hope whatever you decide, it works out well for you, your daughter, and grand baby.

Skynut

Situations like this suck.
I have a couple of dead beat friends from way back in the day and they had kids without any planning. They thought everything would just work out but it didn't. Now the grandparents are raising their kids.
I feel bad for them, they already raised their kids and now they have to raise the grandkids or the grandkids suffer.
The kids do not think real highly of their parents either.

My only advice wuld be to stand your ground and dog the man out if they come asking for help.
If he does not put an effort into the relationship with the child and mother then let him fall on his face.
Always protect the daughter and child whenever it is necessary but eff him if he is not willing to work.

Welfare is a last resort and should be shunned in all ways possible.

HBombToo

tonyb wrote:

My dear old daughter,wants a new job,I explain to her that no
health ins. company will cover that if she changes now.

If the new position includes a health insurance plan then the medical costs will be covered to the levels that the plan offers. Pregnancy and birth would not even be considered a pre existing situation.

Furthermore, your daughter does not even have to disclose the fact she is pregnant during the interview process through hiring. Its against the law(HIPPAA and EEOC)to even ask that question.

If we take a step back and think about this, there is nothing wrong with a woman being the provider in the family. Also on the up side is the fact that lazy boy wants to get married.

Support your daughters aspirations in developing a career and at least she won't need day care when the baby arrives. That's assuming that lazy boy will indeed step up to the plate and take on the duties of raising a child.

Good luck and congrats on becoming a Pap.
Henry

Fireman32

Tony i wish you all the best

bikezappa

This is a tough situation.
The baby is the innocent one here and the one most likely to get hurt the worst. If the father isn't going to provide for the child then the mother and you must fill in the gap. That is also not a good situation for you and your daughter to raise the child. Consider adoption for the child or abortion, because based on your information the baby is going to have a tough life.

Sorry to hear this story.

Peter

Dennis Gardner

Bottom line is the 9 year BF/GF relationship, turned free-for-all shackup has just been elevated to the highest level of responsibility that any of us have in our lives, the responsibility for the next generation.

If they are strong enough to carry that load in today's tough world, just tell them exactly what my Dad told me when tough times hit my world......"Son, we don't have any money to help, but we are here for any other type of support you need".

I grew up instantly upon hearing that and accepted the burden of all my trials.

Polkersince85

He'll get a job when the Judge orders child support for the next 18 + years' Good luck.

Dennis Gardner

Polkersince85 wrote:

He'll get a job when the Judge orders child support for the next 18 + years' Good luck.

Or sell the stuff he's smokin' to make cash.........;)

Skynut

Polkersince85 wrote:

He'll get a job when the Judge orders child support for the next 18 + years' Good luck.

that would be nice however I have had several people through the years who worked for me until the court caught up with them.
Once child support was being taken from their checks they quit.
However in all those cases they did not like the mother and felt that their money was going to her and not the child.
It is pretty sad when a man can not stand up to his end of the responsibility.
Damn sad.:mad:

spwuinmk67

Everyone reacts to it differently. Hopefully he'll realize what he needs to do. A good friend of mine used to deal drugs, found out he was havin a kid, and stopped, got a job, and works his **** off there 6 days a week, 12 hours a day. Best of luck

DarqueKnight

Polkersince85 wrote:

He'll get a job when the Judge orders child support for the next 18 + years' Good luck.

Not likely. A fellow who has managed to avoid gainful employment for nine years can very masterfully avoid a court order. A couple of possible scenarios are:

1. Disappear completely.
2. Move out, but just get jobs that pay in cash. That way his wages can't be garnished.

DarqueKnight

spwuinmk67 wrote:

A good friend of mine used to deal drugs, found out he was havin a kid, and stopped, got a job, and works his **** off there 6 days a week, 12 hours a day.

Yeah, but dealing drugs is hard work. Your friend was already working his **** off maintaining his customer base, avoiding arrest, and dealing with rival and often violent competitors. He had to have a good work ethic, he just needed to focus his energy in a more positive and legitimate direction.

The boyfriend in this case has an aversion to work, legitimate or otherwise. Such people usually do not respond positively to added responsibility.

tonyb

Another good key word,"responsibility". When they are hard up for money,she gets a second job,he works part-time.My God,is there any pride left
in American males anymore?I mean,years ago when my girl first went to college,he was offered a full ride at a college in Michigan,a frickin full
ride,and turned it down cause he didn't want to risk loosing his meal
ticket.I tell ya,can barely look him in the eye out of discust.

I am done pissin and moanin over this,need to get my mind off
of this crap.Better go in search of some humor before I crack up.

cfrizz

I'm sorry you are in this situation Tony.

This might sound harsh, but it has to be said. Your daughter is a grown woman & has made her choice. Now you just sit back & let her handle it!

You can offer all of the moral support in the world, but when she comes looking to you for money or babysitting, you tell her firmly NO! You did your job raising her, now it is her responsibility to raise her own kid.

If you start bailing her out of every little thing she will never learn to face the responsibility of what she CHOSE to do.

I watched my best friend go through this with her daughter. She was living at home & going to school & then came home pregnant. The only stipulation my friend made was that her daughter stay in school & NOT get pregnant.

Well she was told to pack her things & get out! Or get a paid for abortion.

When her daughter realized that she was serious she grew a brain over night!
She got the abortion. She is now in college, has a job, wants to be a police officer, etc.

We talked everyday for that week, cause she was worried she was being a bad mother. I told her that if she wanted to become her daughters private welfare system to go right ahead. Her youngest daughter would see how good the older one has it & before you know it when she gets of age she'll come home pregnant. So have fun Grandma!

She said she would rather shovel ****! LOL! She stuck to her tough love guns & things are working out fine for all concerned.

I know she's your daughter, but you have to draw the line somewhere otherwise you get sucked dry physically & emotionally & your daughter never learns to stand on her own 2 feet & take care of herself & her kid.

George Grand

The first time you go over to visit and the guy still has no job, just look him in the eye real hard, and ask... "Is the reason you're not working because you're smoking **** all day?" If he says yes, deck him. When he wakes up, and after you smash the **** out of his video games, ask him the same question.

Frank Z

If they ask for your help ($$$$$) offer food and clothing only. Don't ever let them get in your wallet...ever.