The Spouse Factor, advice and stories

evhudsons

This weekend I am going up North to my friend's house in Miami to help him upgrade his Polk Audio SDA 1C's. I talked him into buying them as he got them for a good price and was able to pick them up ($300). He said all the drivers work, the grills and black finish are in great shape. There is no interconnecting SDA cord. I am bringing him the one pair of rdo194 tweeters I am not using now, so he will have one pair of those and then one pair of the sl2000. I am making him an interconnect cord. I'm going to seal up the drivers, and eventually spike them. He had to give away his old stereo system which was really good for the time he had them. From my advice he went totally on my swearing that these are great speakers, a much bigger improvement over the HT in a box his girlfriend's ex-husband had left them. The timing was hard because the speakers would not have lasted long at that price and condition, but the timing was great because he had the money, and me to help him upgrade them.

He got into some flack over the SDA speakers, as they are big, and old. He had moved into his girlfriend's house and had to get rid of most of his stuff, so I thought this would be perfect for him as he really loves music of all types. He has an AVR he picked up that is somewhat modern but not fantastic. He deserves to have these boys fired up, I know he'll love them, and it will be his solace in life. He hasn't hooked them up yet as he is waiting on me to come up and help him.

The speakers never made it through the front door. His girlfriend pretty much has her say on what happens in the house, and so on. Right now they are in the garage aka token mancave. He can't even cook on the glass stove top because it has to be perfect, so his cooking is either baking or grilling. OCD! (and other things too, but my friend will be joining Club Polk soon and so the rest of my opinion is withheld, which has no bearing on the situation anyway. I am hoping for the best, but she will be around for a long time).

Having a wife myself, sometimes it is tricky getting awesome items in the house if the wife doesn't approve of the aesthetics. I have noticed over the years that the first suggestion for a placement of suspected non-spousal loved items is that they suddenly "look great over there", which is closer to the door leading to trash. It keeps getting closer and closer until you don't have much of an argument to keep your treasure.

My Polk Audio SDA CRS+ speakers were a little rough on the eyes when she used to use them as a shelf for whatever she was holding. I would ask her not too, but then she would roll her eyes, point to the worn speakers and say
"look at them", and then complain that they are too old, sound bland, and we should get modern speakers that sound and look great. After dropping a speaker separating two drivers, I discovered this forum and the fact I could upgrade the speakers. Now they sound awesome!!!!!!, and I made them look good too, rearranged the living room, added nice speaker stands, covered my crappy cat scratched carpeted subwoofer with wood and stained it, and now she is happy with the setup, and even better I got to keep all my old stuff which is massively improved now. I also had a guitar once that I wanted to upgrade to a much better one, but I knew my wife wouldn't approve of a new one. I got a much better guitar when the opportunity came, but got the same brand and swapped it out. I had to hide the old one for a week or so until I could resell it to a friend. She didn't know the difference until a time it was safer to tell her. There are ways to pull these kinds of things off, but one has to think outside the box, be civil, compromising, inventive, and do things the right way with good advice such as what is found on this unique Club Polk Audio forum.

The purpose of my thread is to get some advice on how I might best help my friend get these either in the house, or upgrading his garage system in progress without getting either one of us into too much trouble, and also to share spouse stories on getting monsters through the front door, or holding onto "old" equipment. I used "spouse" rather than "wife" or "girlfriend" or "partner" because I'm sure there are some fellow Polkies who are women possibly having the same issues.

As much as ya'll are super honest peeps who do whatever you and to make your housemate happy, I'm sure some of you have some good "how I did it" stories on maintaining a more than a hobby Audio system with regard to peace, harmony, and audio bliss.

tonyb

Tell him to grow a pair....'nuff said.

brgman

tonyb wrote: »

Tell him to grow a pair....'nuff said.

Damn.Beat me to it Tony.

steveinaz

This generation of so-called "men".....they are all nuetered at birth, I believe. Of course when you are dependant upon someone else for your housing, well, you know where I'm going with this.....

brgman

Actually my wife is a Saint.I do pretty much what i want.Buy pretty much what i want and nothing is said as long as she and my son and the bills are taken care of.Which thank God they have been for some time.
I also don't question her jewelry or longaberger baskets or craft stuff.
22 years and no end in sight i think.
I think what it boils down to is that she knew getting into it that i was going to do my thing and no one was going to tell me otherwise.I'm stubborn,hard-headed and outspoken at times but never selfish or mean.
At least i do my best not to be.
Back to what Tony said though.Grow a friggin pair.If you're spouse is going to dictate what you do and don't do,have and don't have,can and can't have, maybe you have the wrong spouse.

evhudsons

Balls and the right spouse, now we're talking! Luckily I have both. I figure the ones without wouldn't post here anyway. My wife tests me, but she knows she can't win any argument with regard to me doing or getting or keeping something I value. Unfortunately, I'm going into a battle this weekend with the cloak of peacemaker. I have to revert back to withholding my opinion of his girlfriend, but you can take the last sentence from brgman as a big hint to what I think. I tend to get into a bit of trouble though, because I tend to correct the incorrect statements she makes, and to tell her to say "please", "thank you", as well as "hello" when dealing with people in public. I'm generally not one to cause trouble, but I hate having to go along with blatant BS, or have people in my party behaving like beasts to other decent people. He used to be married to a woman who had class and was respectful, and the whole time I've known him he was also stubborn, hard-headed, outspoken, never selfish or mean and always was a gentleman but tended to argue with his ladies a lot. Now he is just a shell of his former self.
Now enter the SDA soundstage and a BS hating friend. This is going to be one heck of a weekend!
I'm bringing a blanket and pillow in case I'm sleeping with the speakers in the garage, which I will be more than happy to do. My wife approves of this trek and mission of mine. She refuses to set foot in that house though because of the girlfriend, it's that bad. My wife is the most forgiving person on the planet that I know of anyway.

brgman

Sounds like a battle that will cost you a friend if you're not careful.
As far as arguing goes if my wife and i raised our voices in anger more than 3 times in 23 years i would be surprised.
Hence my comment on the right spouse.
Good luck.

WGDB

I looked at a pair of SDA SRS's this weekend that I completely wanted to have. My wife gave me the go ahead. I had no conceptual idea how big the SRS's actually are - even for a medium sized room like my listening room. I passed on them for the simple reason these SRS's are just too damn big for our current sized home. When I got home, she asked where they were, I replied we needed a bigger home for speaker's that big and promptly responded sounds like a great plan. My point is I feel extremely blessed to be married to such an understanding woman, who puts my happiness above her need to have complete control.

tonyb

Since this is just a girlfriend he lives with, I'm assuming she pays the bills ? Is it her house to begin with ? Then she may be in her right to have sway over what comes and goes in her house.
Normally, in a given married relationship, there is a certain meeting of the minds that takes place. One isn't necessarily dominate over the other, but each having a say on the goings on in the house. Communication is key, and just showing up with huge speakers and plopping them down in the living room is bound to piss off your significant other. If she is that dominate over him, then he needs to grow a pair, communicate, and think about the value of that relationship.

seeclear

DominaNT.

Sorry, that one bugs the heck out of me.

cnh

Don't have any advice here that would be of use. Wish I did. Tonyb is pretty much on the mark in my opinion. Do I have trouble with my wife over 'speakers' sure. But, in the end, she'll make a fuss then just accept the fact that her husband is into Audio...so this is 'yet another' of his eccentricities! But this gets back to what Tony was talking about...things you work out and accept about the other...even if there is a momentary disturbance--it passes (most of the time).

cnh

audiocr381ve

Their are two obvious extremes that I hear on this never-ending topic.

One extreme is to "grow a pair" and tell the spouse how it's gonna go down. Generally, the "men" who take this opinion have sh**ty marriages, domineer over their wives, are on their way to divorce, or are already on their 2nd or 3rd marriage. Don't listen to these idiots.

Swing the other way and you find the guys that say "do whatever the wife says." While this sounds wise and is normally the advice I give, it's not the best way to develop problem solving skills between both parties.

For most guys, I say grow a pair and stop being a selfish ****. Make compromises. Establish boundaries with your spouse regarding your hobby. Some guys have no problem dropping 3-4 G's on speakers but don't give their wives a dime to spend and expect her to shut her mouth about speakers the size of semi-trucks. Give her a heads up about the speakers and be clear on where they are going. Try "asking" before doing. Crazy concept, I know!

audiocr381ve

WGDB wrote: »

I looked at a pair of SDA SRS's this weekend that I completely wanted to have. My wife gave me the go ahead. I had no conceptual idea how big the SRS's actually are - even for a medium sized room like my listening room. I passed on them for the simple reason these SRS's are just too damn big for our current sized home. When I got home, she asked where they were, I replied we needed a bigger home for speaker's that big and promptly responded sounds like a great plan. My point is I feel extremely blessed to be married to such an understanding woman, who puts my happiness above her need to have complete control.

Good example. I'm sure you wouldn't have minded having the monsters in the home, but you put your wife first. Blessed is she as well!

audiocr381ve

brgman wrote: »

Actually my wife is a Saint.I do pretty much what i want.Buy pretty much what i want and nothing is said as long as she and my son and the bills are taken care of.Which thank God they have been for some time.
I also don't question her jewelry or longaberger baskets or craft stuff.
22 years and no end in sight i think.
I think what it boils down to is that she knew getting into it that i was going to do my thing and no one was going to tell me otherwise.I'm stubborn,hard-headed and outspoken at times but never selfish or mean.
At least i do my best not to be.
Back to what Tony said though.Grow a friggin pair.If you're spouse is going to dictate what you do and don't do,have and don't have,can and can't have, maybe you have the wrong spouse.

Dude, be careful. I'd ask your wife if you could be doing a better job at loving her and your family with your finances. Passiveness is the devils playground. I know your formula may have been successful for 2 decades, but their may be some damage and resentment there that you don't even know about. No boundaries is usually not a good sign.

Oldfatdogs

Let me say I do have a good wife,she doesn't give me any grief about what I buy.And I do the same for her,we have different tastes but we compromise on what goes were.As for your friend help him with his speakers but stay out of the middle of things.You know the messenger gets shot first and you could lose a good friend. Dan

Splif

In my short life I've learned a few things about relationships, good and bad. Some battles are worth fighting, some aren't. There is a time and a place to put down the proverbial foot, and other times to turn the other cheek and say "yes dear". You win some, you lose some. You give and you take. Any relationship worth being is, is worth compromise, from both parties.

My girlfriend and I have lived together for 2 years now. We've had our fair share of battles of what goes where, what color it will be and how big it will be. But whenever I've had a complaint, after all the arguing is done I always make sure to calmly and articulately explain why I disagreed with her decision. There is almost always a happy middle ground.

This situation seems like these speakers are more a passing fancy as you had to talk him into it all. If that's the case he should tread lightly unless drama is part of the relationship. You know the kind, always have to be arguing and fighting, breaking up and making up. Now if he is a "die hard", and into sound, 2 Channel, HT, nice speakers, old speakers, the technology itself, then she should have known this long in advance of them living together and sort of expect he has these moments of grandeur. When you come across that "once in a lifetime, greatest price, can't be beat, gotta get it today or I never will" moments.

brgman

audiocr381ve wrote: »

Dude, be careful. I'd ask your wife if you could be doing a better job at loving her and your family with your finances. Passiveness is the devils playground. I know your formula may have been successful for 2 decades, but their may be some damage and resentment there that you don't even know about. No boundaries is usually not a good sign.

Never said there aren't boundaries.
We just know what they are.
I just went up and asked her if there was anything i can do to make her life more wonderful and she told me to go f&#k myself.
So we're cool!

stangman67

This makes marriage sound soooo appealing. I'll never get myself into a situation where my balls are pretty much removed

mantis

What I don't understand about my wife is she knew what she was getting into when she met me over 20+ years ago.
When she first met me I was in a band. She dug me and really was attracted to me. I was not to her as she was a few years younger and at that point in my life I was not into younger girls.
Years later I met her again this time felt like the first time. She was older and smoking hot. I couldn't believe it was the same person and decided to take the leap.
I was always into cars , Music , Home theater being a musician and passion for everything I am into. Nothing has changed today.
Over the years she has given me crap about upgrading this and that can't figure out why I have to buy" the new one" all the time. being in the business doesn't help my habit one bit. it's actually worse because I'm around my love every day of my life pretty much.
Years ago I had a 87 Grand national with a full engine Chrome kit. I was into racing and Show. My best time was 11.71 & 122 Mph and my engine was my baby. On weekends I would wash her and spend a few hours under the hood just rubbing her.
My soon to be wife at that time asked me" If I had all that chrome on me would you rub me more?" Later that turned into buttons instead of chrome same question.

I basically upgrade and buy things for myself as I feel I really need/ want within reason. I have put off my dreams many times for the family , house hold needs , vacations , her personal needs , etc.
I'm sorry but this is my passion and part of my life , it was before she met me and will be to the day I leave this earth.
To this day she still gives me grief here and there. I try to do my best not to cause any family problems with my hobbies and make sure we can afford what I do.
Marriage is tuff and wonderful in the same breath , biter sweet if you will. I don't think I want to live my life without her but I can't give up my passion to keep her. It's something I would never ask of her and expect her never to ask me. As long as I keep my hobbies in check I see no reason to ever go down that road , who knows what kind of future I would have then?

It's not about growing a pair , be very sure I have a nice pair but I'm not going to start slapping people with them to get what I want. I would be single if thats how I felt about these kinds of topics. Yeah I wish I had all my toys and had free rain of the checkbook and credit cards. But I give to my family when they need me and I will always put them first over myself................most of the time.

Splif

mantis wrote: »

She was older and smoking hot.

Pics or it didn't happen...lol:biggrin:

jbooker82

Just take the power cord to the avr. Let em use the tv speakers. My wife was much more appreciative of my system when it was down for 3 weeks while Trey was modding the cross overs.

stubby

^^^^Well Dan, thats the thing about many women, they are going to want to change you. 'Cause with just a little "help" we will be "perfect" for them.

Splif

"for better or for worse" sounds good in the beginning for women, the hard part is living with the "worse". even if the "worse" was there before she even met him, through their entire dating life, and into married life.

Just consider it beer goggles in a relationship from a female perspective.

mantis

Splif wrote: »

Pics or it didn't happen...lol:biggrin:

I'd post pic's but I don't want you horny old men drooling over my wife.

Just think Brooke Shields and thats basically what she looks like. She was in the new paper as a look alike.

nspindel

Here's my advice.....

Give him your CRS+'s and take his 1C's. His girlfriend will be happier with the smaller speakers, and you'll get your hands on some minty 1C's to start ripping into.

As for the whole grow a pair thing, while I agree to a certain extent, let's remember this is his girlfriend's house, not his. If she invites the guy to move in, and then after he's in he shows up one day with a pair of massive 1C's, I can't blame his girlfriend if she's not happy. It's her place, not his, she has the final say.

Splif

mantis wrote: »

I'd post pic's but I don't want you horny old men drooling over my wife.

Just think Brooke Shields and thats basically what she looks like. She was in the new paper as a look alike.

Pfft I'm hardly old, and never drool.

deronb1

Ha Ha

tonyb

When I say "grow a pair", I don't mean to shove his way onto her regardless. He needs to open his mouth, communicate, not become some kept whimpy dude. Starting to wonder if this guy has a water bowl out in the garage too.

quadzilla

Guess I got lucky. My wife never tried to change me. Of course, I did my best to be there when we were raising the kids, and she seemed to think I did an OK job. The only real compromise was that I put my turntable away because I didn't want little fingers touching my records, the stylus, etc. But a cheapo AVR and my Sansuis were always out.

When the kids grew up, we started talking about HT. She was a little resistent at first, but I gave her "the eyes" and she said OK. I got a little crap once I started setting things up, like "why are the speakers so big, and why are there so many?". But after a few months of learning and tweaking and learning some more and tweaking some more, I put in a movie, the intro came up with one of those swirly bassy things, and, with me in the kitchen, I heard "WOW! It sounds just like a movie theater in here!" from the living/HT room. Yeah, she was hooked. A few months after that, I had to put the AVR in the shop for a minor repair, and the first night, all I heard about was how bad the sound sucked without the surround, and was I sure we'd get the AVR back in time for me to hook it back up before the weekend? Yeah, I got lucky.

Then when I started building the 2 channel rig in a dedicated room, all she asked was if that meant I could listen to music while she watched a movie? When I said yes, she just smiled and said "then it's about time". She did kind of blink when she saw me dragging the 2.3 TLs into the house, but once I explained that they were for the 2 channel, all she said was "have fun with your new toy." Like I said, I got real lucky.

So, kind of following up on what a few others have said, it sounds like your friend found a chick that managed to put herself in the position of the alpha in the relationship, and any response other than "right away hon" is a threat to her position. Assuming she's devestatingly smoking hot and otherwise normal and really, really good in bed, he might be able to put up with that for awhile. Or he might be like this one guy I know that is quite happy having his wife make all the decisions for him. But if it was me, I'd write it up to a lesson best learned before any vows were taken and move on, no matter what outfits she's willing to wear or what things she's willing to do. Especially since all the chicks I've seen like that end up cheating on whatever guy they're with, then dumping him until they find one they can control. Then they usually just cheat on him.

Of course, the guys I've known like that do exactly the same thing.

WilliamM2

Here's how I got my wife to let me bring my SDA-1C's in the house. I said" Can you please grab that end of the box?" She said sure, and helped me carry them in, one at a time.

Of course she's not a control freak. Sounds like the relationship described above is already doomed.

WGDB

WilliamM2 wrote: »

Here's how I got my wife to let me bring my SDA-1C's in the house. I said" Can you please grab that end of the box?" She said sure, and helped me carry them in, one at a time.

Of course she's not a control freak. Sounds like the relationship described above is already doomed.

Love it!!!!