funnies

wangotango68 · April 2002

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, when his teacher held up a bag, and asked the class to guess what was inside. "Here's a hint," she said. "It's a fruit, and it's crunchy and red." Johnny's hand shot up. "It's an apple!" he declared. "Good job, Johnny. I like the way you think." "Thank you, teacher. Now I have a question for you. There's something in my pocket that's hard and round, with a head on one end. What is it?" "That's it, Johnny," yelled the teacher. "Go to the office." "It's a quarter, teacher. But I like the way you think."

freako01 - 4/12/2002 1:18:57 PM
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day, only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in an attempt to hide his wood, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously, "Whatcha doin', Dad?" His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed." Little Johnny replied, "Whatcha gonna do, screw him?"

freako01 - 4/12/2002 1:16:47 PM
One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the alphabet. His teacher knew that he had an ''advanced'' vocabulary for his age, so she was trying to avoid calling on him. When the teacher asked for a word beginning with "A", Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher knew he would say "****" so she called on Mary Lou, who said ''apple". This continued through most of the alphabet, because his teacher knew that there was a cuss word that Johnny would say for every letter of the alphabet. Then she got to ''R''. She thought for a moment, but couldn't think of any cuss words that began with R, so she called on Johnny. ''R is for rats - big **** rats, with twelve-inch ****!''

freako01 - 4/12/2002 1:15:29 PM
One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying,"**** this," "**** that." The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us." "Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny. "Yes," says the priest. "Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny. "Yes," says the priest." Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny. "Yes," says the priest. "Well tell him to get the **** out and push!!!"

freako01 - 4/12/2002 1:13:14 PM
A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman: ''Is your Dad home?'' Little Johnny: ''Yes.'' Salesman: ''Well, can I see him please?'' Johnny: ''No, he's in the shower.'' Salesman: ''What about your mother? Is she home?'' Johnny: ''Yep.'' Salesman: ''Well, can I see her?'' Johnny: ''Nope. She's in the shower too.'' Salesman: ''Do you think they will be out soon?'' Johnny: ''No.'' Salesman: ''Why's that?'' Johnny: ''Well, when my dad asked me for the Vaseline I gave him some super glue instead.''

freako01 - 4/12/2002 1:12:07 PM
One day a teacher was teaching a fourth grade class a new word. The word was fascinate. She asked the students if they could use the word in a sentence. Johnny raised his hand. The teacher said, Bobby can you use the word faacinate in a sentence? Johnny said, yes, this book is faacinating. The teacher said, no- not fascinating, fascinate. Then Johnny raised his hand. Johnny said, my sister's **** are so big she got a new shirt with ten buttons on it but she could only fasten eight.

freako01 - 4/12/2002 1:07:35 PM
One day the pre-school teacher said, We're going to do vocabulary today! Who can use the word definitely in a sentence? Mary raised her hand and said, Me me me! The teacher said, Go ahead, what's the sentence? Mary said, The sky is definitely blue. That's good Mary, said the teacher, but the sky can also be gray or white. Sam raised his hand and said, Trees are definitely green. The teacher said, That's good, Sam but trees can be brown too. Johnny rose his hand and said, Do farts have lumps in them? The teacher, looking confused, said, No Johnny why did you ask that? Johnny replied, Well, I definitely have **** in my pants!!

freako01 - 4/12/2002 12:47:43 PM
Who's the most popular guy at a nude beach? The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and seven donuts. Who's the most popular girl at a nude beach? The girl who can eat the seventh donut.

freako01 - 4/12/2002 12:45:31 PM
One day Bill Clinton decides to go on a jog. While jogging he sees a hooker on the street corner and she says Five bucks for a ****. Bill says, I'll give you two dollars.The hooker says no and Bill shrugs and continues jogging. The next day he goes for another jog and sees the same hooker. Again she says Five bucks for a ****, but Bill says no -- $2. She says no and Bill laughs and keeps jogging. The next day, Hillary goes with Bill on his jog and he passes hooker once again. The hooker looks over at Hillary and says, You see what you get for two bucks?

nuyawker - 4/12/2002 12:35:56 PM
Driving Through Texas Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here." The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true." The passenger says, "Huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!"

nuyawker - 4/12/2002 11:30:56 AM
Hillbilly Logic: Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the ****. - 1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner." - 2nd Hillbilly: "why is that stupid?" - 1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!" - 2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!" - 1st Hillbilly: "why is that so stupid?" - 2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!" - 3rd Hillbilly : "that ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together!...I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there." - 1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "well what's so dumb about that?" - 3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no ****!!!"

JamminJan - 4/12/2002 11:00:58 AM
A short one to make up for the really long one below--What happens if you stop paying your exorcist? You get repossessed.

JamminJan - 4/12/2002 11:00:05 AM
ADVICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. 2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. 3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive pick-up with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the position of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself. 5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive. 6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?" 7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either. 8. The first three Southern expressions to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary are (1) the adjective "big ol", as in "big ol truck", or "big ol boy;" (2) "Fixin", as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store;" and (3) "Y'all". 9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. 10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear. 11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased. 12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating. 13. The wardrobe you brought out in September can wait until December. 14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do. 15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed. 16. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin' " is a valid defense. The difference between an ordeal and an adventure is attitude."

scott
:cool:

F1nut · April 2002

GREAT!!!

dean/klipschead · April 2002

I gotta think that 'hillbilly logic' is worth commiting to memory.

LOL

shack · April 2002

RE: ADVICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH

Here is the real reason:

WAYS TO ANNOY A YANKEE

* Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

* Pronounce all one syllable words with two.

* When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."

* Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

* When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"

* Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

* Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.

* Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

* Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

* Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)

* Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."

* Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".

* Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can."

* Put Tabasco on everything.

* For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!" say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"

* When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . . banana ones.

* Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.

* "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.

* Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.

* Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

* Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations..

* Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there. . ." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."

* Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

* Call 'em a yankee. Works every time.

Hey....We know what we are doing! LOL

I reckon I'll see Y'all real soon now...ya'heer!

shack · April 2002

Since there were so many southern references in the "funnies" I think it is only fair we have a few more "northern" funnies

You Might Be A Yankee If...

* You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

* You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

* You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

* For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

* You don't know what a moon pie is.

* You've never had grain alcohol.

* You've never, ever, eaten okra.

* You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

* You have no idea what a polecat is.

* You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

* You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

* More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

* You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

* You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.

* You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

* You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

* The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

* The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

* You call binoculars opera glasses.

* You've never been to a craft show.

* You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

* You can't do your laundry without quarters.

A girl from the South and a girl from the North
were seated side by side on a plane. The girl
from the South, being friendly and all, said,
"So, where ya'll from?"

The Northern girl said, "From a place where they
know better than to use a preposition at the end
of a sentence."

The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments
and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, ****?"

Just to show you I can laugh at the south too:

You are a Redneck Jedi if:

1.) You've ever heard the phrase "May the force
with ya'll"

2.) Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

3.) You've ever used your light saber to open
bottle of Bud Light.

4.) At least one wing of your X-wing is primer
colored.

5.) You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

6.) You've ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in
your yard.

7.) The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is
the dadgum skeeters.

8.) You've ever used the force to get yourself
another beer so you didn't have to wait for a
commercial.

9.) You've ever used the force in conjunction with
fishing or bowling.

10.) Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot son,
come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot"

11.) You've ever had your R-2 unit use it's self-
defense electro-shock thingy to light your
barbecue grill.

12.) You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood
of your land speeder.

13.) You've ever fantasized about Princess Lea wearing
Daisy Duke shorts.

14.) You've had the doors of your X-wing welded shut
and you have to get in through the window.

15.) You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance
to Chewbacca.

16.) You suggested they outfit the Millennium Falcon
with a redwood deck.

17.) You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during
the cantina scene

18.) If you've ever heard..."Luke, I am your father....
and your uncle"

Top 32 Things a Southerner NEVER says...

32. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."
31. Duct tape won't fix that.
30. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
29. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
28. We don't keep firearms in this house.
27. You can't feed that to the dog.
26. I thought Graceland was tacky.
25. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
24. Wrasslin's fake.
23. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
22. We're vegetarians.
21. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
20. Honey, do our bonsai trees need watering?
19. Who's Richard Petty?
18. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
17. Deer heads detract from the decor.
16. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
15. Cappuccino tastes better that espresso.
14. The tires on that truck are too big.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Elvis who?

mantis · April 2002

That was awesome...LOL

juice21 · April 2002

wango-

funny stuff...

F1nut · April 2002

Speaking of Little Debbie.......
Has anyone else given thought to there logo.

"Little Debbie has a SNACK for you"!

or am I just a sick puppy

gidrah · April 2002

You guys crack me up.:D

Shack: I'm confused. I thought ya'll was payin' us Northerns a compleement with the first half.

Up in Michigan's U.P. you can't swing a cat without hitting a redneck. We call 'em hicks. I aims to be one someday.

shack · April 2002

Mark - We like northerners - It's just that we like them better up north. We've tried to block off I-75 at the Ohio/KY border and require youse guys to get temporary visas cause it seems all ya'all want to come down here to live.

Shack

Tony M · July 2021

Tony M · July 2021

mrbigbluelight · July 2021

NOTE TO SELF: If I ever need a deep well dug, get ahold of Tony M. 👍😇

....a thread from 19 YEARS AGO ! 😳

....and a wangotango one at that for bonus points. Good job. ✅🏁

SeleniumFalcon · July 2021

Tony M · August 2021

SeleniumFalcon · August 2021

SCompRacer · August 2021

Little Jonhnny was sitting on the curb shaking a jar of kerosene, watching the bubbles rise to the top.

A priest passed by and asked Little Johnny what he was doing.

Little Johnny said "I got me the most powerful liquid in the world, kerosene."

The priest said "Oh no my son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know if you put one drop on a pregnant woman's belly and she'll pass a boy?"

Little Johnny says "Shat father, that ain't nothing. One drop of this on a cats **** and it'll pass a motorcycle."

txcoastal1 · August 2021

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

SeleniumFalcon · August 2021

Tony M · August 2021

Tony M · August 2021

SeleniumFalcon · August 2021

tonyb · August 2021

Tony M · August 2021

Tony M · August 2021

Tony M · August 2021

SeleniumFalcon · August 2021

Tony M · August 2021

SeleniumFalcon · August 2021

tonyb · August 2021

tonyb · August 2021

funnies

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