funnies

SeleniumFalcon

tonyb

SeleniumFalcon

SeleniumFalcon

tonyb

SeleniumFalcon

Milito

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,
"GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER,
KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE,
THEN SHE FARTED, FLEW OUT THE WINDOW AND TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER !!!

SeleniumFalcon

Milito

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
You now have 2 options...
Delete it…..
or
Send it along to put a smile on someone's face today!.
HAHAHAHAHAHA

mhardy6647

^^^ I - sort of - did one of those once.
We had a 1993 Ford Explorer (affectionately dubbed the "Exploder"), which was pretty well-equipped for a truck, in those days, and for plain folks like us.
It was our first vehicle with remote keyless entry.
I was at the dump one Saturday. For whatever reason, I had locked it (!?) while -- doin' the dump thing. I pushed the button to unlock it... and... nothing.
I think Mrs. H was outta town, too, and the dump was about 3 miles from home.
A neighbor let me borrow his cell phone (my first encounter with a "peanut phone" -- the Exploder had a built-in cell phone, if you can recall such a thing!). I called AAA and arranged for help.
My neighbor then, thoughtfully, noted that there was a key on the fob with the remote entry thingie.
Derp.

As it turned out, the battery had a loose terminal connection (negative).

ken brydson

tonyb

SeleniumFalcon

mhardy6647

more "my kind of humor" (in this case, collected in the wild from ASR):

tonyb

txcoastal1

^^^Getter drunk

oh and her favorite music

one more thing...leave your credit card on the nightstand...this may help later

pitdogg2

txcoastal1 wrote: »

^^^Getter drunk

oh and her favorite music

one more thing...leave your credit card on the nightstand...this may help later

You suave bast...😬😬😬😬

tonyb

SeleniumFalcon

tonyb