Teenagers will be the death of me!!!!!

bikezappa

cfrizz wrote: »

First thing is to eliminate the texting option on the cell phone. The phone is for her to have to keep YOU informed not for her to be yapping all over creation to who knows where. 2nd. this dirtbags # is probably in her phone. find it out & block it!

Track down this SOB & give him & his parents (probably just a 1 parent home to begin with) something to chew on.

Me, I would personally search her room to make sure she's not involved in anything else questionable that you don't know about.

Rein in your daughter TIGHT. She is grounded til further notice. Her job is to go to school, get good grades, come home & study. No parties, after school activities or anything. If she has a phone in her bedroom pull it out! No nothing until she has re-earned your trust & respect!

Yes let her talk to you & do listen, but let her know that there are serious consquences in life for when you screw up, and she screwed up BIG TIME!!!

Point out to her that your punishment is rather lenient compared to being stuck with a child that she would have to foot the bill & be responsible for. Tell her what SHE COSTS YOU to provide for & does she really want to be stuck at 14 in that type of situation.

Good luck. And try to remember that YOU are the one in charge not her. Her feelings might be hurt now, but when she finally grows into her brain she will discover just how stupid this stunt was!

Excellent advice IMHO from an nonparent.

shack

I have two girls that will soon be 25 and 22. Trust me...the fun is only just beginning.

However...they do grow up...sometimes.

shadowofnight

I was able to nip problems like the sneaking out with a little modification to my home alarm I had installed years earlier....I incorporated a switchbox....one leading to the deafening audible alarm horns...and the other leading to a vibration unit mounted to the oak stand next to my side of the bed ( Actually it goes to a small speaker and to the vibration box...the vibration box was just an old one we had to let my mostly deaf wife know the phone was ringing ). At night I just threw the switch to feed the silent/vibration side only and set it to Home mode.

Since my daughter was only 8 years old when I bought the house and installed the alarm , that wasnt really designed for that purpose...it was more of when I set the alarm to home mode at night ...it would let me know if a door or window opened silently. It was just a backup to the multiple dog "Alarms" throughout the house ....to wake up the real threat ...me.

I had a really scary incident happen that left my daughter knowing there was no going in and out of the house once daddy went to bed. She always knew this, but apparently was smart enough to know that inside the garage wasnt outside , and she had woken up around 1am and forgotten something in her moms car in the garage. My speaker in the bedroom said garage zone....no dogs barking....no lights in kitchen where the door goes into the garage...here we go.

I scared the living **** out of her as she was coming back into the kitchen ....explained to her how I knew she went out there...how it worked...etc. So even though it wasnt installed for that particular purpose.....as she grew older it worked wonders on never letting sneaking out even start in the first place

bobman1235

cfrizz wrote:

First thing is to eliminate the texting option on the cell phone. The phone is for her to have to keep YOU informed not for her to be yapping all over creation to who knows where

I don't understand the obsession people of your generation have with texting and cell phones. I think everyone, especially girls, were on the phone non-stop when they were younger, assuming you are not so old that phones were a rare commodity. Cell phones didn't exist, but it's an old cliche that is obviously based in reality that teenagers love to sit in their rooms and talk on the phone. Just because technology has matured to the point where they have a cell phone, and can send "text" instead of talk, why has this changed? If they are on their computer and sending IMs (essentially the exact same thing as "texting", minus a character limit) is this equally horrible to you guys?

AudioGenics

sometime great advice comes from folks that do not have children.
sometime bad advice comes from folks that have children.

just make it your own decision to choose your actions.

Love your Children
....acts of service, physical touch, giving gifts, sharing quality time together and speaking words of affirmation.

everything else you try is just not as important.

apphd

bobman1235 wrote: »

I don't understand the obsession people of your generation have with texting and cell phones. I think everyone, especially girls, were on the phone non-stop when they were younger, assuming you are not so old that phones were a rare commodity. Cell phones didn't exist, but it's an old cliche that is obviously based in reality that teenagers love to sit in their rooms and talk on the phone. Just because technology has matured to the point where they have a cell phone, and can send "text" instead of talk, why has this changed? If they are on their computer and sending IMs (essentially the exact same thing as "texting", minus a character limit) is this equally horrible to you guys?

I think I would be one of those "your generation" people, and yes you are right teens "back then" used the home phone. But my home and most of my friends there were no phones in the teen's room. So no conversations were so private that mom AND dad could not ask questions about. Also there were no calls allowed during dinner time.

And yes computers and IM is in the same book to me. Maybe more so as not only do you not know who they are conversing with but in many cases neither do they. Not criticizing you for your comments or the fact you do not have children. But all I can say is you would understand our generations view a little more if you did have children. Something happens to you that I can't explain when that first bundle of joy:rolleyes: shows up that is just a life changing experience.

I feel for the OP and as I said earlier there is not a one size fits all solution, and as a parent we need to accept the fact that we sometimes will make mistakes in what we do as parents also. But it is much easier to beat our self up over being to cautious/strict than the opposite.

obieone

"You'll get NOTHING, and LIKE IT!"- Ted Knight, 'Caddyshack'

bobman1235

Oh I totally feel for the OP; I'm asking because I'm legitimately curious, not as a criticism (though I know I often come off that way).

And I understand (at least, intellectually if not emotionally like a parent) the fear of not knowing what your child is talking about. When I was a kid cell phones weren't around either, but I did have a phone in my room, and I SUPPOSE my parents could have picked up the other line at any time to hear what I was talking about, but I had a girlfriend in high school, and we talked well into the night a lot of the time. I was 15, 16 years old. But to me the difference is negligible. Just owning a cell phone doesn't transform a child. You say your kids weren't allowed to talk at the dinner table, or too late at night; having their own phone would make the latter marginally more difficult to enforce (though if you just took the phone away at night, problem solved), but it doesn't stop you from saying "put the phone down at the dinner table or I take it away." Arguably it gives you MORE power; taking away someone's individual cell phone is much more destructive to a modern kid's social life than taking the house phone out of their room was back before cell phones, as you could always just use another phone in the house when no one was around.

I guess for me it comes down to two things. 1) people are very quick to blame the technology when, although it changes the game a bit, being a parent is being a parent, and 2) parents are hypocrites when it comes to what their kids do. Everything is a HUGE deal, but you look back at the things you did when you were younger (in general, i'm sure some of you were good kids) and it was WAY worse, and you're fine. People like to say that our kids are pussies or get out of line nowadays cuz parents don't smack them around anymore; I think kids are pussies because they're not allowed to take their lumps and learn their lessons like we all did.

The parents who smoked the most pot as kids are the ones that are on the anti drug councils, the parents who at 15 were in a gang and stealing cars are the ones that FREAK OUT when their 15-year old is 45 minutes late for curfew. Not to say that parents shouldn't be against drugs, and shouldn't enforce curfews - that's their job - it's just that we pretend that these things are all new to the modern generation, when in fact they just have a different face on the age old problem of teenage rebellion.

CaligulaPolk

Ah teenager girls!! GOT TO WATCH FOR PERV LIL TEEN BOYS!!! I have 12 years old girl too, shes growing too fast.. that scares me and my wife but seems gonna be a big difference here in my new neighborhood. kids here are polite (HOPEFULLY will continue when she grows up) and has respect.

But never trust no one who sneaks out of house when your asleep. What were they doing for hour when you already asked her to come home 1 hour ago?

If this luke come back, give that **** raising hell.

hearingimpared

bobman1235 wrote: »

The parents who smoked the most pot as kids are the ones that are on the anti drug councils, the parents who at 15 were in a gang and stealing cars are the ones that FREAK OUT when their 15-year old is 45 minutes late for curfew. Not to say that parents shouldn't be against drugs, and shouldn't enforce curfews - that's their job - it's just that we pretend that these things are all new to the modern generation, when in fact they just have a different face on the age old problem of teenage rebellion.

No one is pretending or hypocritical at all. EXPERIENCE is why parents today who smoked pot and did alot more are on the anti-drug councils. EXPERIENCE is why parents don't want their kids in gangs and stealing cars.

The experience is one thing but back then the laws weren't as detailed or as harsh as they are now. Look at drinking and driving. Back in my day it was the cop drove you home and told your parents. Today it's jail time, lose of license until 21 and huge fines. I can go on and on.

Things are different now.

bobman1235

hearingimpared wrote: »

No one is pretending or hypocritical at all. EXPERIENCE is why parents today who smoked pot and did alot more are on the anti-drug councils. EXPERIENCE is why parents don't want their kids in gangs and stealing cars.

Kind of ironic since those experiences that taught you so much are the ones you're trying to coddle your kids away from ever having, right?

Things are obviously different today, and things like drunk driving aren't what I'm talking about.

I've tried to have this argument here before and got nowhere, so I'll just let it go.

shack

It's very easy to criticize parenting skills/methods when you have never been a parent. And no...being a child does not count...regardless of what you might think.

cfrizz

I have nothing against cellphones I have one myself. It's in my bag turned off. The only time it goes on is if I'm traveling or meeting someone outside.

There is absolutely no need to be attached to a cellphone constantly, unless it's for your job. I can easily be reached at home or at work, there is nothing that is so important that I have to have my cell on 24/7.

There were 2 phones in our apt when we grew up. 1 was in the kitchen and the other was in my parents bedroom. I survived the lack thereof just fine & still managed to keep up to date with all my friends.

Yes let the girl take her lumps for doing something so stupid that could very well have life altering consequences. Give her a BIG dose of reality of how things work in life when you are all grown up.

Maybe then she will not be in such a big hurry to try and act like a grown up.

hearingimpared

bobman1235 wrote: »

Kind of ironic since those experiences that taught you so much are the ones you're trying to coddle your kids away from ever having, right?

Things are obviously different today, and things like drunk driving aren't what I'm talking about.

I've tried to have this argument here before and got nowhere, so I'll just let it go.

What you call coddle I call protection.

bobman1235

shack wrote: »

It's very easy to criticize parenting skills/methods when you have never been a parent. And no...being a child does not count...regardless of what you might think.

I'm very much just trying to give my opinion on philosophy, not to criticize anyone's specific parenting, for that very reason. There are enough terrible parents in the world that obviously BEING a parent doesn't make anyone an "expert" by any stretch of the imagination, so not having kids shoudln't preclude someone like me from at least having a debate on very general parenting philosophies. Obviously everyone's specific experience varies WILDLY, and a good parent is one who does what is necessary in the situation.

hearingimpared wrote: »

What you call coddle I call protection.

Ther'es a million shades of grey in the middle Joe. I just think there is a hypocrisy out there. I've heard a million times, here and in many other places, about how kids are soft and coddled nowadays. Yet those same people with that criticism are the ones that seem to coddle their kids. To be clear, this is not directed at the OP, by the way, who I'm sure handled his situation very well, it's just directed at some of the comments that came afterward.

I know a lot of you disagree with me but you have to at least see some of what I'm saying. Y'all can't have it both ways, where you **** at what pussies we're raising in America these days compared to when you were kids, and then talk about how your parenting philosophy involves the tightest leash imaginable.

To give an analogy, kids should learn how to swim. Coddling would be to never let them in water above their heads, and to always watch every time they got in the pool, and to strap them up with a life vest their entire childhood. PROTECTING, as you say, would be to give them swim lessons, and maybe some floaties until they got the hang of it. And being reckless is throwing them into the deep end and watching them drown.

Serendipity

Just a side note...

I never got the "don't do drugs, don't drink and drive, etc." talk from my parents... although I can tell they don't want me to drink/smoke.

I haven't done drugs, gotten drunk, gone gambling, or ever smoked a cigarette and don't plan on ever doing so in my life. Ever.

shack

bobman1235 wrote:

I'm very much just trying to give my opinion on philosophy, not to criticize anyone's specific parenting, for that very reason. There are enough terrible parents in the world that obviously BEING a parent doesn't make anyone an "expert" by any stretch of the imagination, so not having kids shoudln't preclude someone like me from at least having a debate on very general parenting philosophies. Obviously everyone's specific experience varies WILDLY, and a good parent is one who does what is necessary in the situation.

I can read books, observe, and have opinions on how to bake a cake...I can even taste lots of cakes to see what I like...but until I've actual made one from the start until the final product is ready to take a bite...I'm no baker (good or bad) and my opinion on HOW to bake the cake has little merit.

Kinda like parenting.

BTW there are good and bad bakers...and some who should never attempt to bake...but they at least have a hands on frame of reference.

AudioGenics

shack wrote: »

I can read books, observe, and have opinions on how to bake a cake...I can even taste lots of cakes to see what I like...but until I've actual made one from the start until the final product is ready to take a bite...I'm no baker (good or bad) and my opinion on HOW to bake the cake has little merit.

Kinda like parenting.

BTW there are good and bad bakers...and some who should never attempt to bake...but they at least have a hands on frame of reference.

.. expecting Keiko to post about baking......

shack

jvc wrote:

.. expecting Keiko to post about baking......

I guess I could have used a pie analogy just for Mike's benefit.

irishaz

To me there is a big difference between a conversation and an impersonal, somewhat anonymous text/IM. Kids will text and IM things they would never have the guts/nerve to say to someone's face. Call me old fashioned, but kids these days don't have any shame. It's all out there and it starts a lot younger than it did when I was a kid (42 now). I have an 18 year old girl and 14 year old boys and they are caught up in the middle of it. Topics that were once considered intimate/private are now thrown around in texts and on facebook/myspace like nothing. The latest craze "Sexting" is just another nifty benefit that has arisen from all of this technology.

The ability to actually sit down write a hand written letter or maintain an actual conversation used to mean something...

AudioGenics

taken from
http://www.nsba.org/sbot/toolkit/chnsoc.html

1. Every two or three years, the knowledge base doubles.
2. Every day, 7,000 scientific and technical articles are published.
3. Satellites orbiting the globe send enough data to fill 19 million volumes in the Library of Congress – every two weeks.
4. High school graduates have been exposed to more information than grandparents were in a lifetime.
5. Only 15 percent of jobs will require college education, but nearly all jobs will require the equivalent knowledge of a college education.
6. There will be as much change in the next three decades as there was in the last three centuries.

cnh

Interesting observation JVC, if you 'believe' INFORMATION is real KNOWLEDGE and wisdom I guess you'd be right. But I've met more than one OLD TIMER with more wisdom than ANY 22nd century teen will ever have? Cultural advancement? A conceit of sorts. Sure science/tech moves on. But do HUMANS as HUMANS move that fast?

Perhaps NOT..

As a parent, I see no EVIDENCE that I am being 'left' behind...by my ever changing, ever learning, ever experiencing 'children'--not in any SIGNIFICANT way! I am often frightened by their lack of 'depth'...the surface dwelling life they are encouraged to grasp at? Bubbles exploding as soon as they are touched...such is MODERN LIFE!


cnh

cnh

On another note. It's obvious from the above that few people here come from 'guilt' cultures? If you have a deep emotional bond with your daughter...it's not that hard to work on the contradictions that the emotional bond can generate in relation to ALL the wonderful distractions of trying to grow up!

But you either have that bond, managed to forge it, or you don't. When I was a kid and I did something bad..all my Dad had to do is not talk to me for a day or so and I was destroyed!

So kids today are different! Maybe they aren't different. Perhaps we're not as effective at parenting? Cede to much to 'others' and society?

cnh

bobman1235

shack wrote: »

I can read books, observe, and have opinions on how to bake a cake...I can even taste lots of cakes to see what I like...but until I've actual made one from the start until the final product is ready to take a bite...I'm no baker (good or bad) and my opinion on HOW to bake the cake has little merit.

Kinda like parenting.

BTW there are good and bad bakers...and some who should never attempt to bake...but they at least have a hands on frame of reference.

Fair enough. But how many bakers openly admit they're terrible, no matter how bad they are in reality? How many parents? Your frame of reference can be tainted by your inability to judge something objectively.

4406bbl

raidersrule76 wrote: »

Well this is how the story goes, went to bed about 11 the dogs outside started barking and barking but hell im used to that, we live out in the country and all the animals seem to give them fits from time to time so I just let it go and fell asleep. Fast forward to 12 the wife wakes me up and says that our youngest daughter who just turned 14 a couple months back was not in her bed nor was she outside or downstairs. Oh **** now what, so the wife went one way down the gravel road and I went the other way both of us trying to call her on the cell phone no answer...............where the hell could she have gone? So she finally calls the wife back and says that shes in town with Luke, who the hell is Luke? Never have met this boy well I think that he is also a teen. So shes has the nerve to ask if she can just hang out for a little bit longer and of course we say no, get your butt home. So we wait and wait only live about 15 minutes from the town that they went to, after waiting nearly and hour I see the car coming down the road and I decide to go out and pay him a little visit. The car stops my daughter gets out and I reach for the driver door handle the door opens to my suprise and his now I know what hes thinking oh crap and before I could say a word I had gravel spraying me in the face, needless to say this really pissed me off so here I am like an idiot screaming at this kid as he speeds away. Now back to the task at hand the sneaky one thats now back in the house and telling her mom that its no big deal that some strange kid drove out to our house in the middle of the night and picked her up. So of course they are having a little bit of an arguement so I decide to really make her mad and ask for her cell phone, much to my suprise she threw it at me and said here I guess you dont want me to have a life, and I replyed with sure I do just without a cell phone for a while. So I guess I really don't know what to do in this situation, I mean I know I wasn't perfect growing up and had my fair share of screw ups but I at least waited until 16 or 17. Maybe its just kids today they think that they need to grow up faster and faster all the time.

Well I've taken up enough of everyones time sorry for the rant I'm tired but yet still upset so I can't sleep.

Best regards
Mark

I will only comment on how long your kids will hate you for doing the right thing, who cares, you are a parent not a friend. You and your wife had better make damn sure you are both on the same page, as you do have to live with her. There is a line you cannot cross in the mother daughter relationship as a father, just be advised, good luck, this will pass, keep the wife happy.

sucks2beme

Hindsight is 20/20. Foresight is a bit fuzzy. The price you pay is getting old.
It's hard to explain stuff to your kids. I try to give examples of why what they
are is wrong. And I'm a great example of doing it wrong.
But it's hard, because they do have to learn some things themselves.

The boy isn't the problem. It's your daughter's actions that are. There's
always another young buck waiting to step up. She needs to understand
that. He'll move on to another girl. No relationship she has will last until s
he's in her 20's. Hard ugly fact. And even then it may not. But she will think
each one will be the "one", even at 14. But for her to think any other
way would be alien to the way girls think. There's a paradox that makes my
head hurt. Am I ever glad I had boys.

wutadumsn23

Wow, this thread took off while I was asleep, lol. I agree with the texting non sense being something kids don't really need. It's why my daughter doesn't have it, and won't have it as long as I am paying the bill, lol. I got her limited texting once (200 texts) and she went through it in about 6 days, not to mention the $100 in extra charges we got for all the messages she sent/received after she blew through the 200. She also has no inter-web on her phone either, and no laptop in her room. If she did we would never see her, lol. She has a MySpace, unfortunately and is glued to that crap for hours everyday. I faithfully "monitor" that page and am regretting letting her have it more and more everyday, lol. She has been bugging for a laptop for awhile now, and I told her sure you can have one, and I will make sure it has no internet access. Which, of course, was not what she wanted to hear. My daugter was convince her last "boyfriend" was "the one" as sucks2beme pointed out and he wasted no time proving her wrong, lol. My daughter and I had a very close bond until about 6 months ago and unfortunately it is slowly but surely slipping away, since I am the bad guy in her eyes for most of her "wrongdoings" All I can do is hope I am doing what is right for her, and hopefully she will "forgive" me for being such a mean parent when she grows up, lol.

-Jeff

cfrizz

4406, I agree 100%. Stop being kids friends & start being their parents. You'll both survive to laugh about it in the future.

Way to go Jeff. She might dislike you now, but as you pointed out she will understand perfectly when she finally grows up. Keep up the good work.

Crown7

bdaley6509 wrote: »

OMG I have 2 little girls and I am NOT looking forward to these days....I will pray for you. Please do the same for me.

Our baby shower for the 2.0 girl is today...Please pray for me as I will for you cause the shotgun shopping has already started...This was NOT the thread I should have been reading today of all days! Well they say the first 5 years makes all the difference in the person, which means I have T-minus 1 year 22 months on the first girl and then 5 years on the second girl starting in September...but I hope Version 1.0 is a good influence on 2.0. She shows good instincts and stands her ground now, so i constantly try to reinforce that.:rolleyes:

AudioGenics

good point...

ROLE MODELS and HEROES... need the best ones starting with the parents

important on impressionable young ones