How to **** at Work - The Funny
BaggedLancer
Posts: 6,371
How to **** at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK **** is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: a **** that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a **** in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing ****, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSHDefinition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the **** log hits the water and the **** is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the **** has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
**** BURGLARDefinition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the **** Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential **** Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential **** Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can **** in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A **** that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom
Post edited by BaggedLancer on
Comments
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Just some comic relief.....I know I've been suspect of some items on the list, as well as a victim of most.
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Havana Omelet........WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"SOME PEOPLE CALL ME MAURICE,
CAUSE I SPEAK OF THE POMPITIOUS OF LOVE" -
Hilarious! I know there are a few Uncle Teds around my office, just don't know who they are. They come in and check their hair, brush their teeth, floss, do a few Scope rinses ... all the while I'm in the john trying to relax and get my **** on. Not cool.My HT
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At my office, we saw this joke about 5 years ago. Been using the terminology ever since. Some classic stuff there. Astaires, Fly Bys, and Safe Havens have been part of my daily routine for years.
I see that is has been slightly changed over the years though. The PFN is something new.For rig details, see my profile. Nothing here anymore... -
Hilarious! I know there are a few Uncle Teds around my office, just don't know who they are. They come in and check their hair, brush their teeth, floss, do a few Scope rinses ... all the while I'm in the john trying to relax and get my **** on. Not cool.
Hah, we had some of those guys at my old office as well. I never understood brushing, flossing, rinsing etc in the highest traffic restroom in the building. Umm......do you not smell what I'm brewing back here?
The PFN is great. Everyone in the building knew the safe havens, but only those in the PFN knew which stalls would have a choice SI article printed off for their pooping pleasure each day.2007 Club Polk Football Pool Champ
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Ours is fairly low traffic so I don't mind too much. I always opt for the Palm Pilot with Sudoku just in case I am in there for a while.
The one thing that I hate is having to fend off the cleaning lady who knocks on the door before she enters. Having to let out that little exclamation to let them know someone is in there is always so tense. It would help if she came at the same time everyday, but she doesn't.
Anyway else experience the problem of the cleaning lady?I know just enough to be dangerous, but don't tell my wife, she thinks I'm a genius.
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My cleaning lady has an almost eerie sense of when someone is in there. Even if I don't see her when I head in, once or twice I've seen her waiting patiently nearby when I emerge a few minutes later. She never knocked, she just KNEW someone was in there. And she's smart enough to avoid the awkardness of actually standing by the door; she's usually nearby, obviously waiting but not so close as to necessitate an awkward exchange between a stranger who has just pooped in an area the other must clean.If you will it, dude, it is no dream.
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OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
OMG! There is this guy at work that brings his freaking LAPTOP COMPUTER into the stall with him! I was like "Dude! WTF?" He doesn't understand what the big deal is. It's like Costanza from the Seinfeld episode with the book at the bookstore. What sucks is when I was doing help desk work, I actually had to fix this guy's computer a few times and each time I was so skeeved out by it that I complained to my management about it. When this dude's management was spoken to about it, the manager actually applauded the guy for it because it "show initiative and out-of-the-box thinking to increase productivity".
I guess the whole "**** on my fingers that touch my keyboard" idea didn't carry any weight.
We got guys that bring their PDA's and Blackberrys into the bathroom too. My Blackberry Pearl has internet access. Imagine how cool I could be, surfin' Club Polk while poopin' at work!Expert Moron Extraordinaire
You're just jealous 'cause the voices don't talk to you! -
ROFL Jstas, great "pooptop" story. I'll have to pass that along to my IT friends at work.2007 Club Polk Football Pool Champ
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I like to drop the kids off, not flush and quickly change stalls and wait.CTC BBQ Amplifier, Sonic Frontiers Line3 Pre-Amplifier and Wadia 581 SACD player. Speakers? Always changing but for now, Mission Argonauts I picked up for $50 bucks, mint.
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I like to drop the kids off, not flush and quickly change stalls and wait.
Wipe or no wipe? Only reason I ask is when they see the kids in the bowl with no TP the expression is priceless -
I just play it by rear.CTC BBQ Amplifier, Sonic Frontiers Line3 Pre-Amplifier and Wadia 581 SACD player. Speakers? Always changing but for now, Mission Argonauts I picked up for $50 bucks, mint.
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I just play it by rear.
So you have different scenarios if it's a havana omelette or a watermelon? -
wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
priceless.
I can just see Mark changin stalls and giggling as an unsuspecting **** cutter walks into the stall and say " OMG":!!!
Uncle Ted....thats a good one...Cary SLP-98L F1 DC Pre Amp (Jag Blue)
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BaggedLancer wrote: »So you have different scenarios if it's a havana omelette or a watermelon?
It's a very Mission Impossible situation as you need to be quick, and it's a pants down operation. It must only be performed under very tight circumstances. I would never do it if visiting Havana as there is no art in it.
I need to create log formations with precise squeezing of the buttocks. I've perfected the Bear and have been working on the Feral Cat for quite some time.CTC BBQ Amplifier, Sonic Frontiers Line3 Pre-Amplifier and Wadia 581 SACD player. Speakers? Always changing but for now, Mission Argonauts I picked up for $50 bucks, mint. -
That made me blush!
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It's a very Mission Impossible situation as you need to be quick, and it's a pants down operation. It must only be performed under very tight circumstances. I would never do it if visiting Havana as there is no art in it.
I need to create log formations with precise squeezing of the buttocks. I've perfected the Bear and have been working on the Freal Cat for quite some time.
Gotcha, balls to the seat, pants down kind of operation......someday I'll be on a mission like that. For now I'm just going to stick with the fly by's in the safe havens! -
Pooping at work? Nah, I just hold it until I get home. It requires extensive mind-body training and ancient bowel relaxation techniques.HT/2-channel Rig: Sony 50 LCD TV; Toshiba HD-A2 DVD player; Emotiva LMC-1 pre/pro; Rogue Audio M-120 monoblocks (modded); Placette RVC; Emotiva LPA-1 amp; Bada HD-22 tube CDP (modded); VMPS Tower II SE (fronts); DIY Clearwave Dynamic 4CC (center); Wharfedale Opus Tri-Surrounds (rear); and VMPS 215 sub
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Pooping at work? Nah, I just hold it until I get home. It requires extensive mind-body training and ancient bowel relaxation techniques.
I used to do that.....but I found it got so bad I was planning stops at relatives houses on the way home from work because I couldn't hold it anymore. -
Then there's staying late to crap on the boss's desk."The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg." --Thomas Jefferson
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sucks2beme wrote: »Then there's staying late to crap on the boss's desk.
That's disgusting. Thats gotta be a Texas thing. -
BaggedLancer wrote: »That's disgusting. Thats gotta be a Texas thing.
I never did it. But I worked with a guy who did in up North.
It was a big place with thousands of employees in a cluster of buildings. The
division manager left his door unlocked. It was late on a Saturday night.
I saw him coming down the hall from that area with this big grin on his face.
Heard about what he was grinning about a couple of days later.
He was crazy. He's lucky there was a shift of guys working in another building,
or they would of made the connection pretty quick.
I'm not a real "Texan". Just another damn yankee transplant."The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg." --Thomas Jefferson -
Wow.....that would be a priceless reaction when he came in Monday morning.
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The best part was it was described as an "incident".
They couldn't just come out and say "does anyone know who crapped on my desk?"
My revenge on a captain in the USMC was me and another guy bought all the crickets
out of a bait shop(about 40 miles away) and let them loose in the guy's office.
The place was wired for sound for a long time after that."The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg." --Thomas Jefferson -
Pooping at work? Nah, I just hold it until I get home. It requires extensive mind-body training and ancient bowel relaxation techniques.
LOL! but don't you find when you finally get down to it, it always gets stuck because you held it in too long?:eek: -
hearingimpared wrote: »LOL! but don't you find when you finally get down to it, it always gets stuck because you held it in too long?:eek:
That's when you grab the sides of the bowl and push!:eek:
