BIG changes on my horizon

WagnerRC

Congratulation. You will do great. enjoy.

Stew

Congratulations! Your concern tells me that you'll make a great father. You obviously love your daughter enough to care for her and make sacrifices. The rest is details. Kids don't expect you to be perfect, they just want you to love them enough to try.

mrbigbluelight

fiancee I have been with for the past 3 going on 4 years. Who is great with my daughter and they LOVE each other to the moon and back.

That is awesome right there.
You've been given a great gift, Cody, and I have a good feeling that you'll use it wisely.

It's all good if you let it.

Dennis Gardner

Congrats on your upcoming changes!

Now, get council immediately! This isn't something that you should do on your own. Child support/custody order is the biggest issue that you have to get figured out before she leaves town! If you don't, you may have a very tough time getting a stop order. I can't stress enough how important getting an agreement filed is and without council, it drags on forever. Most states will not change child support without a custody change order and that has to go through the court.

Child support is based in most states on both parents income and without a firm plan on her end, they will have to base it off from her getting a minimum wage job and too many times the move puts the agreement on hold, yet your obligation continues with payments still going her way. You need council if at all possible, as this can escalate into a nightmare in a very short time frame when one party is 1000 miles away. You need the change to protect your rights, when she changes her mind and wants Sophia to live with her in her new place after she realizes what she has done.

I have 4 boys and 1 daughter with 9 grand kids and remember vividly the issues that we had overcoming child support changes and custody orders putting together our mixed family with exes stalling at each turn. I had to sell items each time a change was needed.

This is not something that you need to have hanging over your head trying to deal with on your own with the trauma that your daughter will be having over the change. She is old enough to know something is changed, but not old enough to understand why. She will only feel abandoned......and you can't fix that. Her mom isn't going to see her every other weekend like you did.

This is monumental in your life and you can't imagine how big it is....

I know this all sounds harsh, because it is. This type of stuff going wrong can affect your current relationship more than you can imagine, if she isn't on-board fully as she didn't sign on for full-time mom duties when you got together. If something happens with her, full-time Dad becomes a whole other meaning to you and not in a good way. Please take care to discuss this with your fiancee fully so she understands where she fits in.

Legal-Financial-Emotional none can be ignored.

Prayers are sent your way.......I wish you well!

mrbigbluelight

^^^^MOST EXCELLENT ADVICE.

Legal counsel for yourself, for your, and your daughter's, long term protection.
Legal counsel for your ex-wife, for your, and your daughter's, long term protection.

Yes, do what you have to to ensure that your wife has some sort of legal representation,
A reasonable person might say, "Oh, it's okay, she's willing to sign <fill-in-the-blank> papers, so neither of us needs a lawyer".
Sounds reasonable, sounds common sense.

Until ..... some period of time down the road ....... things haven't turned out quite as well as someone thought ..... and you're hit with a "I only signed those papers because I didn't know, I was under emotional distress and " yadda-yadda-yadda.

Lawyers, contrary to popular opinion aren't cheap, but it would be my most respectful suggestion that you consider Mr. Gardener's advice carefully.
It would be my most respectful suggestion that you throw under the bus anything/everything not critical that you need to at this point to MAKE SURE that you avoid any "do overs" down the road.

You're going to do well, no matter what, but make life easier for yourself, your daughter, and your fiance in the long run.
It's all good if you let it.

[Deleted User]

OTOH, it is your daughter so go for it!

codycatalist

Dennis Gardner wrote: »

Congrats on your upcoming changes!

Now, get council immediately! This isn't something that you should do on your own. Child support/custody order is the biggest issue that you have to get figured out before she leaves town! If you don't, you may have a very tough time getting a stop order. I can't stress enough how important getting an agreement filed is and without council, it drags on forever. Most states will not change child support without a custody change order and that has to go through the court.

Child support is based in most states on both parents income and without a firm plan on her end, they will have to base it off from her getting a minimum wage job and too many times the move puts the agreement on hold, yet your obligation continues with payments still going her way. You need council if at all possible, as this can escalate into a nightmare in a very short time frame when one party is 1000 miles away. You need the change to protect your rights, when she changes her mind and wants Sophia to live with her in her new place after she realizes what she has done.

I have 4 boys and 1 daughter with 9 grand kids and remember vividly the issues that we had overcoming child support changes and custody orders putting together our mixed family with exes stalling at each turn. I had to sell items each time a change was needed.

This is not something that you need to have hanging over your head trying to deal with on your own with the trauma that your daughter will be having over the change. She is old enough to know something is changed, but not old enough to understand why. She will only feel abandoned......and you can't fix that. Her mom isn't going to see her every other weekend like you did.

This is monumental in your life and you can't imagine how big it is....

I know this all sounds harsh, because it is. This type of stuff going wrong can affect your current relationship more than you can imagine, if she isn't on-board fully as she didn't sign on for full-time mom duties when you got together. If something happens with her, full-time Dad becomes a whole other meaning to you and not in a good way. Please take care to discuss this with your fiancee fully so she understands where she fits in.

Legal-Financial-Emotional none can be ignored.

Prayers are sent your way.......I wish you well!

It isn't something I even have the time do to, ex leaves this Sunday. We have a meeting with the attorney general in charge of our case at the Child support enforcement office to file an agreement to stop my payments (besides arrears) and start her's. At the same time they will look over our parenting plan to make sure all is well. That is the time for me to ask questions to make sure I understand what we are doing.

Msabot1

codycatalist wrote: »

Dennis Gardner wrote: »

Congrats on your upcoming changes!

Now, get council immediately! This isn't something that you should do on your own. Child support/custody order is the biggest issue that you have to get figured out before she leaves town! If you don't, you may have a very tough time getting a stop order. I can't stress enough how important getting an agreement filed is and without council, it drags on forever. Most states will not change child support without a custody change order and that has to go through the court.

Child support is based in most states on both parents income and without a firm plan on her end, they will have to base it off from her getting a minimum wage job and too many times the move puts the agreement on hold, yet your obligation continues with payments still going her way. You need council if at all possible, as this can escalate into a nightmare in a very short time frame when one party is 1000 miles away. You need the change to protect your rights, when she changes her mind and wants Sophia to live with her in her new place after she realizes what she has done.

I have 4 boys and 1 daughter with 9 grand kids and remember vividly the issues that we had overcoming child support changes and custody orders putting together our mixed family with exes stalling at each turn. I had to sell items each time a change was needed.

This is not something that you need to have hanging over your head trying to deal with on your own with the trauma that your daughter will be having over the change. She is old enough to know something is changed, but not old enough to understand why. She will only feel abandoned......and you can't fix that. Her mom isn't going to see her every other weekend like you did.

This is monumental in your life and you can't imagine how big it is....

I know this all sounds harsh, because it is. This type of stuff going wrong can affect your current relationship more than you can imagine, if she isn't on-board fully as she didn't sign on for full-time mom duties when you got together. If something happens with her, full-time Dad becomes a whole other meaning to you and not in a good way. Please take care to discuss this with your fiancee fully so she understands where she fits in.

Legal-Financial-Emotional none can be ignored.

Prayers are sent your way.......I wish you well!

It isn't something I even have the time do to, ex leaves this Sunday. We have a meeting with the attorney general in charge of our case at the Child support enforcement office to file an agreement to stop my payments (besides arrears) and start her's. At the same time they will look over our parenting plan to make sure all is well. That is the time for me to ask questions to make sure I understand what we are doing.

Msabot1

Dennis is right Cody...any changes to the existing order of custody and support HAS to be made through the court...The Atty.General and the Child Support Division are enforcement entities..In other words,they sleep in the same bed..Like I said before,these people are not to be trusted...They are looking out for their own interests not yours or your daughters...Their interests are revenue driven only..Just be dang careful in dealing with those people...

Dennis Gardner

You have all the time in the world to legally deal with this, she is the one thinking irrationally with emotions guiding every turn. She is the one skipping town and out on her daughter. You need legal protection.

If you are in arrears on CS, you will have the auto deduct until that is satisfied.

I do come from a place of experience as I had an amicable divorce from my spouse until I wanted to purchase a new home with my new wife. I actually had to beg my ex to sign off on the $36k in arrears that the court showed that I owed simply because I had paid my ex directly instead of through the CS dept. I had never missed a payment and hand delivered the check to her each month, but didn't put CS in the note section so I had no proof that it was CS. Her attorney wanted her to claim that I gave that CS to her as a gift each month and still owed the state. I about **** my pants at the thought of that. You can imagine how much begging/groveling I had to do for her to sign off so that I could get a new 5 bedroom house for my new family when she was living in a rent controlled apartment after losing our home that I left for her. You can NEVER be too careful with your legal situation in court related proceedings. You are at the mercy of the current orders that are standing.....

Ask every question you can and get an attorney if you want it done right the first time.

You can also possibly force her to stay in town until all the T's and I's are taken care of, a good attorney should be able to get this done within a couple weeks.

codycatalist

Dennis Gardner wrote: »

If you are in arrears on CS, you will have the auto deduct until that is satisfied.

I do come from a place of experience as I had an amicable divorce from my spouse until I wanted to purchase a new home with my new wife. I actually had to beg my ex to sign off on the $36k in arrears that the court showed that I owed simply because I had paid my ex directly instead of through the CS dept. I had never missed a payment and hand delivered the check to her each month, but didn't put CS in the note section so I had no proof that it was CS. Her attorney wanted her to claim that I gave that CS to her as a gift each month and still owed the state. I about **** my pants at the thought of that. You can NEVER be too careful with your legal situation in court related proceedings.

Ask every question you can and get an attorney if you want it done right the first time.

You can also possibly force her to stay in town until all the T's and I's are taken care of, a good attorney should be able to get this done within a couple weeks.

I haven't had many issues in the past with our DCSE office. They obviously have nothing to do with the parenting plan but this meeting is to stop my child support, set up a payment plan for arrears that work for me (they will let me do $50-100 a month if I choose to) and then start the process of getting child support from my significant other.

Dennis Gardner

You can get a change in child support without a court order, you can't get a change of custody without the judge signing off on it. She could come back into town and unless you have the custody in your household, she could take Sophia back to Oregon with her and only be in contempt of visitation order, not custody order as she is at this time the custodial parent. She could easily convince the court that a move was needed to escape her recent ex and provide safety for Sophia as reason enough to move. If you have custody, she becomes a kidnapper and stiffer criminal action will be taken. Without the custody change they won't even look for her in Oregon, they will only issue a bench warrant for her in AZ, in case she comes back.

Think through all potential issues.....legal is the only way to handle this. Verbal agreements don't stand up in custody cases.

codycatalist

Dennis Gardner wrote: »

You can get a change in child support without a court order, you can't get a change of custody without the judge signing off on it. She could come back into town and unless you have the custody in your household, she could take Sophia back to Oregon with her and only be in contempt of visitation order, not custody order as she is at this time the custodial parent. She could easily convince the court that a move was needed to escape her recent ex and provide safety for Sophia as reason enough to move. If you have custody, she becomes a kidnapper and stiffer criminal action will be taken. Without the custody change they won't even look for her in Oregon, they will only issue a bench warrant for her in AZ, in case she comes back.

Think through all potential issues.....legal is the only way to handle this. Verbal agreements don't stand up in custody cases.

No verbal agreements here. We have an order for stipulation of an existing custody order by agreement. We just have to get DCSE to sign off since they are involved in the case of child support (although they claim they are different cases we still need it). Basically we fill out the new custody order together, have DES sign off on it, go to the court house of our original order, have them notarize after we sign, pay the filing fees, that goes to the judge who signs off on it and sends it out to us.

Dennis Gardner

Just be vigilant, you will be glad you did at a time when you need to protect yourself, your assets, and your daughter. These are things that most 25 YO guys simply hate to deal with as they just want things to go easy. It sounds like you care a lot! I wish you well!

codycatalist

Thank you good sir! I am looking at everything two, three four times to make sure of what is going to happen. Taking all the precautions I can outside of involving a lawyer (not that I don't want to but funds are TIGHT right now).

codycatalist

Technically we are doing joint custody with me being the primary residence and care taker for 300 days of the year.

She was a stickler to keep some decision making power.

Derf

codycatalist wrote: »

No verbal agreements here. We have an order for stipulation of an existing custody order by agreement. We just have to get DCSE to sign off since they are involved in the case of child support (although they claim they are different cases we still need it). Basically we fill out the new custody order together, have DES sign off on it, go to the court house of our original order, have them notarize after we sign, pay the filing fees, that goes to the judge who signs off on it and sends it out to us.

Different states have different laws, even different counties within the same state do things differently. Sounds like you are up on the rules/laws/process in your county. We all wish you well, but even if you have one little question that can't be answered, please get a lawyer involved.

codycatalist

Will do good buddy. I'll post on here when the order has been filed officially which will be tomorrow hopefully!

Dennis Gardner

Things will change as she settles in with her new life and she wants her daughter back in her life full time. This is when the pain will start for you as you are the one that stayed strong for Sophia while her mom checks out of society for a while.

Joint custody may not protect you enough. I'm not sure how each state handles it. Ask someone about it if you have to.

I had to let my daughter move with her mom from OK to PA for a couple years during a new boyfriend live in relationship. The judge told me that in today's world, planes are cheaper and faster than cars over long distances and I simply needed to visit my daughter in her new state if I cared that much. They wouldn't stop the move and she was 3-4 years old at this time. She is now 27, so we made it past that time....all is good, you must take the higher road if you can.

codycatalist

Dennis Gardner wrote: »

Things will change as she settles in with her new life and she wants her daughter back in her life full time. This is when the pain will start for you as you are the one that stayed strong for Sophia while her mom checks out of society for a while.

Joint custody may not protect you enough. I'm not sure how each state handles it. Ask someone about it if you have to.

I had to let my daughter move with her mom from OK to PA for a couple years during a new boyfriend live in relationship. The judge told me that in today's world, planes are cheaper and faster than cars over long distances and I simply needed to visit my daughter in her new state if I cared that much. They wouldn't stop the move and she was 3-4 years old at this time.

One stipulation we put is if she does come back full time and can show housing records she can get 50/50 which I have no problem with regardless if she left before. My beautiful daughter deserves to have a mom in her life even if that same mom left. It's not her fault and she will not be put through a giant legal battle over it.

My ex is a good mom but if she needs her time to figure her crap out and come back to be even better then so be it. I try and be as fair as possible when it comes to the little one.

Dennis Gardner

Kids don't recall much of the stressful things that happen in their lives at 6 yo. Only the adults carry the stress. She will be fine as long as you remain stable. Treat your fiancee like gold as she will be caretaker as much as you. All will be good, it sounds like you have a good head about this.

codycatalist

Everything got filed with the court yesterday. Went to the child support enforcement office, my ex waived my arrears ($1800), I kept her child support payment at $81 instead of $145 that the office suggested based off our numbers.

The little one is enrolled in a school 5 minutes walking from my apartment which has great reviews and is one of the best in the state. Another plus is that next door is a court house so plenty of protection in that area you could say.

(Takes deep breath) Well it starts.

lightman1

Head held high, Cody! A new adventure awaits you. Congrats, y'all will be just fine.

codycatalist

Wanted to update you guys. Baby Momma is gone, the little one is with me and all court documents have been filed and awaiting a signature.

Now comes the fun part!

lightman1

You got this, Cody. \m/

codycatalist

Update. So far these three weeks have been great. The adjustment of being a full time parent was so natural for me and my other half, I'm lucky. The little one has been happy everyday, is now on a proper eating and sleeping schedule. Karate and music classes start next month, VERY excited to see how she does.

Derf

Great to hear. Shows she feels safe and secure and that you're a wonderful father!

pitdogg2

Which Karate?
I've trained in Shotokan for 18yrs

EndersShadow

pitdogg2 wrote: »

Which Karate?
I've trained in Shotokan for 18yrs

But can you do the Crane? If not, then you are not legit

codycatalist

pitdogg2 wrote: »

Which Karate?
I've trained in Shotokan for 18yrs

Kenpo. I plan to enroll her in ju jitsu next year or so.