Been a long time, folks!

nguyendot

Hey guys,

I know I was very active in this community up until recently. There have been some big changes since May that have really not given me a whole lot of time to keep up with you guys, especially Tony Millard!

Anyways a quick update:

1. I quit my job at Dell... I worked there for almost 5 years and loved it. I just found a new job and hope that it will help me grow as an individual as well as support my family better.

2. New job. I work at Interworks, Inc. (interworks.com). You can see my picture on the bio page. It's a great IT firm, and the culture here is google-esque. We drink beer on Fridays (at least they say they do, I haven't yet!). The info's on the page. I work a lot more, but I enjoy it a lot more. It also gets me out of the house.

3. Family. I am getting married December 17 to my long time girlfriend Rosey. 10 years, minus the fiasco I got myself into a few years ago. Not much to say other than yay! It won't be a huge wedding, but it will be one. Catholic.... nuff said.

4. Parent's aren't talking to me, so more stress. They are mad I didn't tell them the date of the wedding. Long story - mom was mad at me when I told her I got engaged and said she didn't want to talk about it. So... I didn't talk about it. Her fault really, they won't talk to me until I apologize for not telling her after she told me not to talk about it. Yeah. They might come to the wedding they might not.

5. So if you checked out the bio page on interworks.com, you'll see everyone has a themed bio page. What's mine going to be? I was hoping me with my arms on a pair of Polk speakers. The only pair I really have right now are RT55's. Someone help me out here.. need ideas.

6. Trying to buy a new house. I want a newer home, not necessarily bigger. We have 1700 sq ft now, 480 of which are tied up in a 2nd living room dubbed the theater. That's where the 100" drop down is that we never use. I will probably give it up in a new home with a better floor plan. I want a bigger single living room and bigger bedrooms. My master is 10x12 right now and I hate it. Need advice here too. Most people have said to rent the old home and buy a new, since the market is ripe for purchasing. I'm not sure money wise how that will work out. I don't have a lot of savings but I think I can swing a decent 30yr mortgage with a very low rate with my credit. I'm looking for a new home with a master bed of 15x15 or so. All the homes we looked at are actually smaller - 1600 sq ft or so, but they're brand new and the layout doesn't waste space.

Ideas? I'm trying to come back. I wouldn't post this type of post anywhere else.....because this is where I always come back to

Thanks guys

tonyb

Idea's for what ? Seems like you have things under control except on the parent front. Look, sit down with mom and dad, without the fiance, talk it over,appologize for any lack of communication and express a desire for them to be part of everything in your life. Going forward with ill feelings between you will only cement itself deeper. Doesn't matter who is at fault, try and iron it out before bringing the fiance around. Other than that, work is good and your house hunting, about to get married, life is good bro.

steveinaz

Good deal, welcome back. From this catholic I can say with confidence, that the only thing funner than a catholic wedding, is a catholic funeral!

If you're catholic, you'll get the joke.

The house:

This will depend on how much equity you have (if any), and wether you want to price low and sell quick, or price a little more aggressively and be willing to wait....

personally....I'd price a little more aggressively as IMO low interest rates are going to be around for quite awhile. Check for local listings to see what houses similar to yours are selling for, and how long they are staying on the market, at a given price-per-square foot. The Real Estate market is completely defined by location---and even neighborhood.

tonyb

Amen to that Stevie boy !!

steveinaz

...also, don't forget to ask about property taxes at the new location---money out of pocket, is money out of pocket, doesn't matter what color it is. Sometimes certain markets seem to have incredibly low housing prices, but the taxes are astronomical. This is all money out of pocket.

nguyendot

Taxes here are all really low, not a concern.

As for the parents front - they don't even want to talk to me unless I come in with an apology specifically for me not telling them the date before the rest of the family. I actually haven't even announced it except to facebook, and that was her not me. My mom was mad because of all things, she doesn't like my choice in my fiance (girlfriend of 10 years). She was hoping in the back of her mind that I'd eventually leave her or something. Anyways she basically told me she didn't want to talk about it when I told her I was engaged. This was on my birthday, at 9:00pm. About 10minutes after I proposed. They made it a point to call me last month and yell at me because I didn't tell them. She told me she didn't want to talk about it. I respected her wishes. Even my priest and all my friends told me to just leave her alone and not push the subject. I'm not apologizing for something that is blatantly their fault.

My dad had the nerve to call me and talk down to me about it, like I lived under his roof. I asked why she would make me feel so bad and tell me she basically didn't care on my birthday, about my engagement? He told me "she was probably too busy". I asked busy with what. He said with a test or something.

My fiance told my mom the week before the date. Her only response was "shhh...yeah I am probably studying for a test that week...you should have asked me first".

Every question I ask, I get an answer that is a slap in the face, like they're trying harder to insult me. I am not going to apologize, and I am not going to take their crap. I've been trying to be the nice person for the past 6+ years, and I am through with it. If they want to be part of my wedding they need to grow up. I don't have time to worry about them or what they think anymore. I do not have to compromise to be happy, and my mom needs to learn that other people have feelings too.

I would actually just be happy if they dropped it and came into the planning process. I do not expect an apology from them, as pigs would sooner fly, but on the same token I will not apologize for their mistake. I don't care how "easy" it may seem, I do not want them thinking they can say jump and I say "how high?" for the rest of my life....read "my life".

cfrizz

Welcome back, and congrats to your upcoming wedding.

I agree with Tony, do your best to straighten out the communications with your parents. Please don't let your pride get in the way of working this out. Unless it's a matter of them not liking/respecting your fiancee, then try to work it out.

Best of luck to you and your fiancee.

On second thought...

After reading what you have written above, I think you are doing the right thing. You are an adult now and the respect has to work both ways now between you and your parents.

Keep the lines of communication open if possible, but focus on you and your soon to be wife.

engtaz

Welcome back and Congrats

EndersShadow

Welcome back. Congrats on the new happier you.

With regards to your parents I wont tell you one way or the other. My wife and I have had our own issues with my parents lately and everyones relationships are different.

Enjoy being engaged, make sure to get ALL the gear you want now so then you dont have to have a "new countertop" v. "new amp" discussion (which you will surely lose ).

nguyendot

I offered my hand, and still have an open invitation to them. I am getting married in the Catholic church and going through the process (jumping through hoops) because my family is devout Catholic. They honestly should be proud that I am doing it that way, instead of just going to the courthouse. If they came to me tomorrow and said 'hey lets plan your wedding'... I would say 'okay'. I am not mad, I seriously just don't have time to deal with their BS anymore. I have my own family to worry about. I want them to be a part of it, but they have to stop being so hypocritical. I will not allow that environment around my children when I have my own.

nguyendot

EndersShadow wrote: »

Enjoy being engaged, make sure to get ALL the gear you want now so then you dont have to have a "new countertop" v. "new amp" discussion (which you will surely lose ).

LOL. Yes I know. I got my toys now and not later. I know when I have a kid too - that I won't get room for any new toys. I think I'm set for now. Funny however, if anyone wanted a new countertop, it'd be me. I think one of the homes we're looking at has granite already, so it'd be like.... new fridge instead.

wayne3burk

congrats... and my vote for the new house is an 80 acre farm house 16 miles north of OKC...

I'm just saying ( i saw one advertised there in the paper 6 yrs ago for $80K ) very cheap by Maryland standards

Good luck on the house hunting

nguyendot

lol too far out of my way. I need something by a major highway so both I and the fiance can go to work.

steveinaz

Parents do a lot of silent sacrificing along the way---try to keep that in mind, take the high road on this one and talk to them about it. Imagine the pressure this puts on your bride-to-be as well.

Sleep on what I've said....

inspiredsports

steveinaz wrote: »

Parents do a lot of silent sacrificing along the way---try to keep that in mind, take the high road on this one and talk to them about it. Imagine the pressure this puts on your bride-to-be as well.

Sleep on what I've said....

+1 to a very wise summation

CCNJ

inspiredsports wrote: »

+1 to a very wise summation

+1000 Do what you can to smooth things over with your parents. Hopefully, marriage only comes around once and they should be a part of it or you risk putting a bigger barrier between you and them. I've been married a long time and have had various issues with parents and in-laws. It's always better to suck it up and make thinks right. Just my 2 cents.

Good luck and congratulations.

Dennis Gardner

You may not be reading between your Moms lines.......it might not be about when or how, it might be about who you are marrying. 10 years or not, they may see something about her, or how you are when you are with her, that concerns them. Parents can see things that you can't and most likely only want the best for their children.

As parents, we don't always like our kids choices, but we do always support them working through them.

If you find that it is truly a control/timing issue, then it is time to stand on your own and make your own way in the world.

Just my .02.

nguyendot

May parents branded my fiance the first day they met her. I purposely didn't introduce them to her for three years because I knew how they'd react. My mom said to my face: " I think she is fat white trash, and should have that "W" branded to her forehead". This is after knowing her for all of an hour. My parents are very judgmental people, and do not let up. I have tried very hard to not be the same way as them, and that shows just in who I chose to be my wife. The rest of my family has tried talking to her, my priest has told me I'm doing the right thing. I already took the higher road so many times, and as I said, I just don't have time to keep worrying about their happiness because ultimately mine is what is most important. I should not have to sacrifice my happiness for theirs, regardless if they had sacrificed for me. In this case there is no reason for either side to sacrifice, so why put me in a situation for it when it is not required? It's lighting a grass fire just so the firefighters have something to do. All they have to do is just be happy for me.

I would hope it's not the issue of them disliking how I am when I am around/with her. I believe I am a better person now than I was 10 years ago. I go to church on a regular basis, we help the community, etc. On top of that we are self sufficient, and looking to purchase our second home. If my parents dislike my independence, too bad.

I am no longer living by their rules, and will not have their negative influence around me. They need to shape up, or I will cut them out of my life like a cancer on my arm. In this case my parents dislike my choice, told me to leave them out of it, then got mad when I left them out of it.

To the parents out there now with kids my age, try this and see how they react: Forget their birthday. Then when they call you to tell you they just asked their girlfriend of 10 years to marry them, and she said yes - tell your kid you have nothing more to say and don't want to talk about it. Then a month later call them, yell at them for not telling you anything, and when they ask why you didn't want to hear about it, tell them that on their birthday/engagement day you were just "too busy". Then yell at them for another two hours about how disrespectful they were, even though you caused the whole situation to begin with. Then tell them that they are required to apologize for your mistake, and make them feel bad that you were too busy for them with a "test" or whatever. On top of that go talk behind their back to the other family members, only to have it circle back to your kid through his brother (your other kid).

Now, with all that done, wonder why they aren't coming to you about their wedding.

I would not say it's a timing issue. My grandma has been pressing for grand kids for like 8 years now. She talks behind my back too, like to my uncles about my brother. He caught them on skype saying "well we messed up with Tuan, let's make sure to get Peter a real wife" etc etc. At least she keeps it behind the scenes. My parents are blatant and have no tact whatsoever. If they keep on the way they are, I have no place for them in my life. I will raise my kids in a positive environment, and them doing things like this is contrary. My brother already told me he is moving as far away as possible when he moves from home, which makes me sad.

Just the other night they got in a huge fight over what seemed like his issue, but turned out to just be a cover for me. I'm also tired of him having to fight my battles since I don't live there and can't defend myself. It's not really his duty, and just places undue stress on him. He knows I won't give in this time, and stands firmly by me.

Will this resolve itself? Who knows. There will be a place for them saved at my wedding, whether they want to come is up to them. I know both sides of grandparents will be there, so if they don't want to get chewed out they better come around. I am open to discussion if they are, but I will.not.apologize. They were in the wrong and I won't apologize for their mistakes, especially when it was so grievous against me.

engtaz

Sometimes it's just that way. I just go into prayer and let God take care on it.

steveinaz

Well, it sounds like it's time to move on. Terrible situation, but you have each other.

Demiurge

You're doing the right thing. Sounds like you have been cordial with them and given them opportunities to come back into your life when they want. If they're going to be rude to your wife to be, and in turn you, you need to stay away from that situation.

You're starting your own family and that's what matters most right now. If they want to be part of it, great. If not, that's on them, not you. Just don't let them be a drag on your happiness.

Parents are supposed to be supportive of their kids unless they're doing something destructive, and even then be there for them to help get them through it. Sounds like they had your life planned out for you in some respects and are mad that you paved your own path. Oh well, you're an adult and should be able to pursue the things that make you happy.

I don't agree with those who will tell you to patch things up, life is short, etc. You have nothing to patch up. There's no hatchet to bury. What needs to happen is your parents need to apologize to you and your wife. For their sake and yours, I hope it happens.

My mother hasn't talked to my sister in over 20 years. Every family has it's dysfunction, so just rest easy knowing you're not alone.

Sounds as though you've got a healthy perspective. Good luck with your new job!

nguyendot

Demiurge wrote: »

You're doing the right thing. Sounds like you have been cordial with them and given them opportunities to come back into your life when they want. If they're going to be rude to your wife to be, and in turn you, you need to stay away from that situation.

You're starting your own family and that's what matters most right now. If they want to be part of it, great. If not, that's on them, not you. Just don't let them be a drag on your happiness.

Parents are supposed to be supportive of their kids unless they're doing something destructive, and even then be there for them to help get them through it. Sounds like they had your life planned out for you in some respects and are mad that you paved your own path. Oh well, you're an adult and should be able to pursue the things that make you happy.

I don't agree with those who will tell you to patch things up, life is short, etc. You have nothing to patch up. There's no hatchet to bury. What needs to happen is your parents need to apologize to you and your wife. For their sake and yours, I hope it happens.

My mother hasn't talked to my sister in over 20 years. Every family has it's dysfunction, so just rest easy knowing you're not alone.

Sounds as though you've got a healthy perspective. Good luck with your new job!

I've come to terms that my parents don't apologize. I accept that. I would be perfectly happy if they would just sit down with me and drop the whole thing. I'm not holding anything against them, them being wrong or not.

It has taken me a long time to understand the part you were talking about above. I spent a long time trying to work both sides. It hurt my fiance and I had to deal with that, and then I had to turn around and defend her to my parents. I think it's been six years that I've done it and been in the middle. Now I just want them to understand that they're my parents, and only two things should be their focus now: My welfare, and my happiness. I'm healthy, and I'm going to be happy, damnit.

I tried to get that point across, but they didn't want to listen. What really irks me is they raised me strict Catholic, and now I've asked for a meeting with our priest to maybe mediate this issue, but my dad ignores every request as if it's not asked. I'm not the best example of a religious person, but I think asking for mediation was a good step. Oh well.

Anyways.. Anyone have some ideas for my picture for my company profile? I don't want something lame!

EndersShadow

nguyendot wrote: »

Anyways.. Anyone have some ideas for my picture for my company profile? I don't want something lame!

Photoshop + LSiM's, SRT's, etc

nguyendot

lol it needs to be somewhat real.. I don't think anyone of you guys live near me that have LSiM's

Demiurge

What do you like to do besides Audio/HT?

nguyendot

Goodwill hunting, hanging with work, work, enterprise class solutions for business..

brettw22

'Blood' is not enough of a basis for 'Family' and if they are going to berate you and your fiance (and have been doing so for 10 years), then I'd cut that tie immediately.

I'm all for having a healthy relationship, but if it's entirely one sided (family, friend, or whatever), then it's not worth it.

If your mom hasn't come around for 10 years on your Fiance, she's not going to based on a conversation that you sit down and have. I would really rethink having her at the wedding because the last thing you want is Mom, Dad, Grandma, etc. standing up protesting the marriage they dont' want to happen. (then you'll REALLY kick yourself for having them there)

Good luck, but trying to hang onto negative relationships does more damage than cutting the tie and letting them work their own stuff out so you can focus on the happiness you have and want to continue to build.

nguyendot

I don't think my mom or grandma would have the gall to stand up in church and protest it.
It's their church too, and one of the first things my mom said to me about Rosey (my fiance') was "what will the people at church think?".

Well, both Rosey and I go to RCIA so she can become Catholic, and we know more people in church than her. My mom would not be able to show her face in church again, a huge no-no in my family.

All in all, I'm doing the right thing for me, and if my mom wants to be a part of it - she'll have to come around or grow old and bitter on her own. I won't hold my breath, I have my own life to live in the mean time.

Tony M

Hi Tuan,
I just saw this post you made and read the replies.

Your independence has probably been part of your moms issues. It was with me and my parents.I wasn't involved with my parents lives on a daily basis because I was plowing my own way. My brother and sister stayed in contact or lived with them almost everyday my parents were alive. "DEPENDENT"..... Most people need their parents to survive as long as they're alive to provide help when needed or guidance that's usually followed because the kids can't make intelligent decisions on their own.

Religions also break families apart more than anything else I would guess. Like I said above, if kids follow their parents wishes or rules for life, ALL WILL BE FINE.

I steped away from my family for 4 years and that's another story. I found out my mom had a medical issue that not one of my family members even called to tell me about.....Now think about that.... The mother almost dies and NOBODY calls to tell me.... That is F#*@ed up nomatter what. I have and my family never had much until my father died. So I was envied for my succes and financial decissions that made me VERY independent of that family unit as the years ticked by. You have done right , But to have them turn scenarios around to put blame on you is just human nature. Most people hate to admit they are wrong and will to their death, say and do anything!

I hated my seperation from my family but I went about my own life just like anybody who has an independent personality will do. With or without them, it's most always their choice to keep your happiness in focus or their loss of control and influence as anger towards that child as punnishment for going your own way in life.

Life is short, be happy.
Life has enough BS, so the more you can avoid, the better. Get married and have kids and enjoy yourselves to the fullest while you can. With or without your parents.

Me and you both have never stopped wanting their presence in our lives, just not the umbilical cords.

I'm going to go look at your profile at your new company now. Thanks for the personal apology. I figured you were very busy with your new job. I was busy suffering with my neck arthritus and drug interaction issues.

Joe08867

That's a tough situation you are in. I understand wanting them there, keeping communication open and all that but honestly they are causing more harm than good.

They should be proud of you not belittle.

It seems your mom and dad still think they rule the roost. The only problem is you left the roost. Your not mommas little boy anymore and she isn't handling it well.

I hope in time they come to accept your fiance/wife for the person she. The woman you married and want to share your life with. If not than you are better off without the hassle. I don't see what you did as wrong but of course I didn't get there side, which I am sure is different from yours, with lots of secrets kept and issues since day one. I am not saying anything about what you are telling us. I am just saying how parents see things differently from what we see. Trust me I have been there in some ways. But that is another story.

Good luck, I hope things work out for the best.

Danny Tse

nguyendot wrote: »

All in all, I'm doing the right thing for me, and if my mom wants to be a part of it - she'll have to come around or grow old and bitter on her own. I won't hold my breath, I have my own life to live in the mean time.

I agree....and I think you're indeed doing the right thing. Since you're Asian, I'm surprised you missed that memo about your mother hating all the other women who you have a romatic interest in. Just keep holding out that olive branch....I know it gets frustrating sometimes. In the meantime, live your life to the fullest.

Congrats on the upcoming marriage and new job.