Marital problems
Comments
-
Jetmaker737 wrote: »Lawyer up if need be. The big mistake guys make is playing the nice guy too long, maybe hoping for a reconciliation. Women are very good at playing on those emotions.
This can be true.
The face that is presented to you may not be the true face.
I'm aware of one case :rolleyes: where a couple of years of keylogging software prepared everyone for the inevitable and helped prevent a total catastrophe.
Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and take the high road along the way.
But also consider :Unfortunately???
You are not going to be in the picture full time & she is ALSO going to have to take care of the 2 of BOTH of your children. Her going back to school to hopefully come out and get a job & make a decent wage to feed & clothe them is very important And hopefully make it easier on you for child support.
She's not just doing it for her, she is doing if for YOUR children!
I don't care if you get along with your soon to be ex or not, you BOTH have a responsibility to your children, and it's going to cost you like it or not.
So quit bitchin & just help to make sure that BOTH of you make sure that the kids are well loved, provided for, & secure.
Best of luck to you both!
^^^ What Ms. Cfrizz said.
Remember your kids didn't have the opportunity to cast a vote on who their parents were going to be.
You both made them: you both have the responsibility to care for them.
You both can make that a good thing, or you both can make that a bad thing.
You can only control your end of the board, not your wife's.
If she drops her end, it's still your responsibility to your kids to tote yours, no matter what.
Best wishes to everyone involved.Sal Palooza -
As a result of having been the kid in this situation, I'd like to add, don't stay together for the kids! It only makes things worse, and the divorce will only be messy for having let issues simmer for too long.
Otherwise, I can echo the whole get a lawyer thing. My dad tried to be the nice guy, and ended up paying my mom child support that got spent on fancy dresses and booze... Meanwhile, I never saw him, because she had gone to the trouble to get a lawyer for the process... -
As a result of having been the kid in this situation, I'd like to add, don't stay together for the kids! It only makes things worse, and the divorce will only be messy for having let issues simmer for too long.
Things are made worse by not getting help for the issues that are causing the rift. I don't get the notion of "I have a family and I am walking away because it's to hard..."
That's what a marriage is, hard work. And when kids come in to the mix, it gets that much harder. They are not some video simulation you can just turn off when you feel like playing a different game. Kids deserve their parent's best and most honest effort in working things through. Anything less is just a lame excuse that they will see right through as they get older.The Gear... Carver "Statement" Mono-blocks, Mcintosh C2300 Arcam AVR20, Oppo UDP-203 4K Blu-ray player, Sony XBR70x850B 4k, Polk Audio Legend L800 with height modules, L400 Center Channel Polk audio AB800 "in-wall" surrounds. Marantz MM7025 stereo amp. Simaudio Moon 680d DSD
“When once a Republic is corrupted, there is no possibility of remedying any of the growing evils but by removing the corruption and restoring its lost principles; every other correction is either useless or a new evil.”— Thomas Jefferson -
It takes effort from both sides to make a marriage work. Sometimes it doesn't work, usually because one party or the other isn't making the effort. It happens. I would hope that you could reconcile, but of course, I don't know the particulars. All I can suggest, is that no matter what happens, or when it happens, the kids need to be your top priority in all decisions made and actions taken.
One little thing you said bugged me - you referred to "babysitting" your own kids. Babysitters watch kids when the parents are not around. Babysitters are temporary and are called in to help out. Babysitting is a job. Dads shouldn't be babysitters. Dads should be dads. IMO, and again, I don't completely know your situation, you should insist for 50/50 joint (physical) custody.
I've been there, done that. My ex and I split up 11 years ago, and the kids were 7, 4, and 2. Initially, she "informed" me that since I wouldn't be able to take care of the kids, she would have them through the week, and all I'd get would be every other weekend... What?!? I can't care of my own children? Yeah, right. It was a nightmare situation, in my mind. I argued and argued and argued. Money and possessions were minor issues in my mind. I finally convinced her that the only fair way for everyone was 50/50. We went through mediation, and it was hard, but it worked. One unwritten we had to make was the neither of us could move too far away, because eventually the logistics would make success less likely.
Since that time, every single decision I made that could affect the kids in even the smallest way was made with great consideration of their interests. I've dealt with their mom virtually daily ever since then, and have remained cordial with her, especially in front of the kids. We've had our differences, and it's often difficult, but I can comfortably say that my kids have managed to do extremely well over the years. I have often heard from teachers and other parents that they are amazed at how we do things, and that our kids seem so well-adjusted. (The implication here is that they're surprised the kids aren't as screwed up as many of the other kids they've seen in similar circumstances.)
There's so much more to this story, but that's my perspective in a nutshell. Living this way was not second-nature to me, but I've worked hard to make sure my kids turn out to be happy, healthy, and respectable adults. Oddly enough, I've often thought that going through the separation and divorce from my kid's mother sparked me to become a better father. I'm a little ashamed that I might not have been the best dad I could have been beforehand, but I know that I've given them my best since then. Of course, too many parents take the easy way and use the children against one another, or abandon the children all together - I know of far too many examples of this. The world is full of bad parents - and marriage or divorce often has little to do with it. The road you take is your choice. I can assure you that the road to the best results is definitely the most difficult one, but the rewards will be the greatest. Good luck!
-
Hardest and most important job in the world - PARENT.:)
-
Many times children automatically assume it was something they did. Make sure they know that the divorce has nothing do with anything they have done. Let them know that they will always be a part of your life.
Always maintain respect in reference to your ex when speaking with your kids about her. Don't be the "candy" parent. I would love to tell my kids a boat-load of reality of what led to our divorce---but it would serve no one, and nothing good; let it go.
Take the high road, regardless of what others may do.
Sorry Ryan that you have to go through something like this.
+1 on the above!
Ryan, if the divorce is amicable you should have no problems. However, never, ever, let the child see you arguing about ANYTHING when picking up for visitation. If you can't get joint custody, make sure you have "joint legal custody" so that when any kind of decision is to be made about the child's health, education and welfare YOU have the right to make that decision with her and if she goes against it you have recourse.
As far as visitation is concerned never be late, or miss a day or weekend unless it is work related as the child will take on the roll of a kid that is not wanted. Also make sure you are permitted to be heavily involved in your child's extracurricular activities i.e. scouts, sports, bands, etc whether it is your time to have him/her or not.
One last thing and it's sad but a fact of life. Any verbal agreements you make with your wife or soon to be ex-wife make sure EVERYTHING goes to paper and get it notarized. Very, very important.
Sorry to hear this is happening to you and your wife but keep your chin up as it is the best thing for kids whose parents don't get along especially if there is arguing going on.
I learned all these things from bitter experience with my first wife. It was a nasty divorce that was supposed to be for the good of my older son but it was always a knock down drag out situation even after the divorce and every single time I went to pick him up she had something to scream at me about with my boy sitting in the car waiting for me. Most of the time I walked away but being human I would argue back, it was ugly!
Thankfully my older boy is well adjusted and successful. -
I also hate the word "visitation" used in these circumstances...
-
mdaudioguy wrote: »I also hate the word "visitation" used in these circumstances...
Me too but unfortunately it is a fact of life and legalese in these situations.:( -
When my first wife left, I told her I would loose my house and any other belonging before I'd loose my kids and it turned out I was awarded custody. Just came back from a family funeral today and was so blessed to have both my growned up sons with me during that hard weekend. Be part of your childrens life and you will count your blessings in a few years!Good Advice and go for joint custody of the kids. Stay close in their lives. It's going to be tough on them and a lot of kids develop MAJOR issues because of divorce.
Let them know they're important and don't turn into the "Every other weekend dad"
You've got a phone. Use it every night at least and call your kids.
It's also going to help you keep your focus. Been there done that at least "one too many times"
Agreed!This is the last place I would share or seek advice about issues pertaining to my personal life.
Love your post man! Most people burn there bridges and go straight for divorce, start by getting some help, not from audio discussion sites but from people that are proffesionnally trained to do so. Nothing to loose and everything to gain! Best of all, if you find the mariage can not be saved, at least you have no regret as you know you have tried everything you could!nooshinjohn wrote: »Things are made worse by not getting help for the issues that are causing the rift. I don't get the notion of "I have a family and I am walking away because it's to hard..."
That's what a marriage is, hard work. And when kids come in to the mix, it gets that much harder. They are not some video simulation you can just turn off when you feel like playing a different game. Kids deserve their parent's best and most honest effort in working things through. Anything less is just a lame excuse that they will see right through as they get older.
You forgot to add the most rewardingHardest and most important job in the world - PARENT.:)
The hurt of a failed mariage is NOTHING compared to the JOY of seeing your own children doing great in life KNOWING that you have given them YOUR BEST despite a failed mariage.
I did not want to get involved in this thread as it is NOT the place for such serious matter (refer to F1's comment) but for God sake and yours, go to the RIGTH PEOPLE to seek for advices, DO YOUR BEST! TRY! DON'T GIVE UP! DON'T BURN YOUR BRIDGES!! No matter what the outcome, you will not regret anything because you will KNOW YOU HAVE TRIED EVEYTHING THAT IS IN YOUR POWER!!!! Yes, as cnh points out, many don't even know why they are getting married but you can go back and at least find out what was the spark that once brought you together! WORSE, many get divorce not knowing why they get divorced, they do not realize that they simply are loosing the spark that brought them together and do not realize that while the spark is not visible it is still barely alive and who knows, with help and willingness could be brought back to life!!!!!!!!!
No matter what you do / decide, PLEASE KEEP / STAY in your childrens life!
Good luck and God Bless!DARE TO SOAR:
Your attitude, almost always determine your altitude in life -
It Sucks plain and simple.
Speakers
Carver Amazing Fronts
CS400i Center
RT800i's Rears
Sub Paradigm Servo 15
Electronics
Conrad Johnson PV-5 pre-amp
Parasound Halo A23
Pioneer 84TXSi AVR
Pioneer 79Avi DVD
Sony CX400 CD changer
Panasonic 42-PX60U Plasma
WMC Win7 32bit HD DVR -
I feel sorry for you and I support whatever you and your soon to be ex decide about your children for their best.
And F1 is right. Club Polk is the last place I would seek any kind of advise for my children and my financial problems.Trying out Different Audio Cables is a Religious Affair. You don't discuss it with anyone. :redface::biggrin: -
This is the last place I would share or seek advice about issues pertaining to my personal life.I feel sorry for you and I support whatever you and your soon to be ex decide about your children for their best.
And F1 is right. Club Polk is the last place I would seek any kind of advise for my children and my financial problems.
I totally disagree. I've put myself out there many times and received 99% positive information, info that I could use and the support of the Club Collective is astounding. Sometimes I would get some negative or nasty replies or people rushing to judgment but I let those roll right off my back.
The influx of PMs and email from people trying to help out is really heartwarming.
This is truly a family atmosphere with people willing to go out on a limb to help out. I've found putting myself out there a rewarding experience. -
polkfarmboy wrote: »Just think about fresh **** and go out on the sniff
That's a nice **** cutter you got there.
Yes I LOL'd when I read your comment. -
hearingimpared wrote: »I totally disagree. I've put myself out there many times and received 99% positive information, info that I could use and the support of the Club Collective is astounding. Sometimes I would get some negative or nasty replies or people rushing to judgment but I let those roll right off my back.
The influx of PMs and email from people trying to help out is really heartwarming.
This is truly a family atmosphere with people willing to go out on a limb to help out. I've found putting myself out there a rewarding experience.
I understand Joe! As much as family atmosphere it is, there are lots of opinions poured in this place based on personal experiences. Personal experiences usually does not match under each and every circumstances.
IMO (could be wrong but not that I don't have one), it's best to consult to the family law practioner or a lawyer or simply discuss between the two parties first.
No doubt CP is a helpful place but with so much help out there, help could leeway a person to the wrong direction sometimes. I think being supportive about others misfortune is a true great human nature but expressing opinions without fully understanding other people situations are two different matters.Trying out Different Audio Cables is a Religious Affair. You don't discuss it with anyone. :redface::biggrin: -
Thanks for all the comments and words of wisdom gents (and gals...if there are any).
I did take all the "advice" given as people's opinions, and not as "OMG DO THIS!". I appreciate everyone's thoughts."Dr Dunn admitted that his research could also be interpreted as evidence that women are shallower than men. He said: "Let's face it - there's evidence to support it."
My System:Best Buy is for people who don't know any better. Magnolia is for people who don't know any better and have more money to spend.
TV: SAMSUNG UN55B7000 55" 1080p LED HDTV
HTPC: Chromecast w/ Plex Media Server. Media streamed from Media Server. -
ryanjoachim wrote: »Thanks for all the comments and words of wisdom gents (and gals...if there are any).
I did take all the "advice" given as people's opinions, and not as "OMG DO THIS!". I appreciate everyone's thoughts.
Good Man!
Best of luck to you and for your ex and your children!Trying out Different Audio Cables is a Religious Affair. You don't discuss it with anyone. :redface::biggrin:
