Marital problems

ryanjoachim

So, my wife and I decided (mutually) that we no longer wanted to be together. This is my first marriage, and as such will be my first divorce.

We have 2 kids, both of which will be living with her.

I was just wondering if anyone had a similar experience, and could share anything they learned during or after it was over?

nooshinjohn

The only thing I can add from personal experience(child's perspective) is find a way to make it work until they are of an age to understand. If that is not an option, do not date anyone that the children are aware of for a very long time. If you do find someone else, this person must be able to have an adult relationship with your ex and accept the fact that your children are part of the deal.

If any of the above do not happen, you run the risk of loosing the closeness you have with your kids. This all happened to me when I was 7 years old, and my father has not been a real factor in my life since. I know this has been hard for him, but this is absolutely devastating to a child. I would encourage you to find a better way.

steveinaz

Many times children automatically assume it was something they did. Make sure they know that the divorce has nothing do with anything they have done. Let them know that they will always be a part of your life.

Always maintain respect in reference to your ex when speaking with your kids about her. Don't be the "candy" parent. I would love to tell my kids a boat-load of reality of what led to our divorce---but it would serve no one, and nothing good; let it go.

Take the high road, regardless of what others may do.

Sorry Ryan that you have to go through something like this.

bobman1235

Sorry to hear that. I won't go as far as nooshinjohn, but my parents also got divorced when I was around 10 or so, and while it was horrible for us all, it was WAY better on us than most other kids because my parents acted like adults about the whole thing. They never took it out on the kids, never fought with or about us in our presence, never made us feel like a burden in the whole thing. THAT'S the important thing. If you're going to fight about custody, DON'T LET YOUR KIDS KNOW. If you're going to fight about ANYTHING, keep it to yourselves.

ryanjoachim

Luckily (if you can call it that), the kids are both too young to realize that anything has changed. My son is 3, and has some personality and learning disorders, and my daughter is 1.5. I'll still be babysitting them every day (pretty much) while their mom works and goes to school, so I won't have any problems staying close.

Unfortunately, I also have to help pay for her rent, as she is only working part time while she goes to school.

steveinaz

But later in their life they may still assume they caused the split. It's important to address it.

schutz2106

If mutually agreed upon are you still somewhat getting along? I ask this because if so things can be worked out. Divorce may seem like the only option but this is going to be with you forever. My parents divorced, it split the family. I divorced once but had no children. I have 3 children now. I have a good marriage but even if it got rocky I dont think I could ever divorce. It is a life changing event that in the shortterm may seem right but this is a longterm decision. I dont know your circumstances but short of abuse, or adultery (and I know people who have gotten past adultery.) try like hell to work it out. We make choices every day that when we look at them years down the road they really didnt matter. BUT this one does and if there is any hope, even if it takes one partner humbly asking forgivness, do it for your kids.

nooshinjohn

1 and a half and three. Trust me, they WILL know something is not right.

The worst thing that can happen is to play tug of war with the kids. This is what happened with my sister and I. My stepmom at first, tried to win our hearts with kindness, but when she learned that an 8 year old boy's love always belonged to his mother, the psycological warfare began. It got so bad that at one point, on my 16th birthday, she accused me in front of my entire family, of molesting my sisters! It never happened, but by then the damage was done, and my father cut me from his life to save his marriage. My sister has not spoken to my mother in more than 20 years as she decided it was easier to give in, and I have not spoken to my father in 25 because he lacked the balls to stand and protect his kids from someone he knew was way off base...

I am not the best example of what can happen in these situations as I am certain there are examples where the children are better for having gone through it. I point out my case only to illustrate that things can get ugly and that every measure you can take to protect the kids must be taken seriously. The best way to protect them is to work it out.

renowilliams

I'm very sorry to hear about your troubles. In some ways, I see your life becomming very complicated. Some very good advice has been given already. I particularily like the advice given by Steveinaz, when he says" take the high road regardless of what others do". This can be very hard as family and friends will tend to take one side or the other and some people thrive in the misery of others.
My advice is to do the best you can by your kids and never say anything negative to you kids about their mother (I realize they are quite young now).

Good Luck

Jstas

Lawyer up and protect your interests. It may not seem like it now but there are things you have to take care of now that won't come in to affect until years down the line. Things like pensions and retirement accounts as well as any trusts set up for the kids.

Knucklehead

Well, Im unable to give much useful advice, I will say keep your kids close...good luck to you.

bobman1235

I love that some folks think that once two people have decided to get married, they're going to rethink their decision based on what folks around here say.

ryanjoachim

bobman1235 wrote: »

I love that some folks think that once two people have decided to get married, they're going to rethink their decision based on what folks around here say.

lol...I get your point.

I appreciate the comments given so far. We're not going the divorce route yet; mostly because we can't afford it, but also because we realize that things could very well change for us with some time apart.

Neither my family or hers will have a hard time seeing/visiting with the kids, and we plan to manage our time with them very well. Obviously the kids WILL know something has changed when i'm not around all the time, but we're still fairly friendly and fighting has never been our thing, so we hope to be able to keep the kids feeling well loved.

When it came down to "who gets what?!", I said I want my computer, my TV and blu-ray player (from my sig), and my big-**** chair. She can have pretty much everything else including our media server, as i've got dozens of kids movies on there for the little ones to watch.

tonyb

Been there pal, and can't really comment on your situation as I really don't know jack about it. I will tell you this though having been in your shoes.

Protect yourself...do not share the same lawyer. Yes it will cost more now but will be well worth it down the line. You may be all friendly now, but how about when a strange guy starts picking her up at home ? Or when she's going out at night and your watching the kids while she's looking for husband #2 ? Stay close and involved with your kids life and don't bad mouth each other. Be prepared for what it will cost,not only in lawyer fees, but child support,alimony, college, because her lawyer is going to want it on paper what you will contribute to college or any other financial needs your wife or the kids, may have,now, or in the future. The best thing is to stay civil,and try and work out an agreement before hitting a lawyers office.

NotaSuv

Been there done that.^^^great advice, always keep it cool around the kids

HB27

Jstas wrote: »

Lawyer up and protect your interests. It may not seem like it now but there are things you have to take care of now that won't come in to affect until years down the line. Things like pensions and retirement accounts as well as any trusts set up for the kids.

Good Advice and go for joint custody of the kids. Stay close in their lives. It's going to be tough on them and a lot of kids develop MAJOR issues because of divorce.
Let them know they're important and don't turn into the "Every other weekend dad"
You've got a phone. Use it every night at least and call your kids.
It's also going to help you keep your focus. Been there done that at least "one too many times"

polkfarmboy

Just think about fresh **** and go out on the sniff

Knucklehead

polkfarmboy wrote: »

Just think about fresh **** and go out on the sniff

bad advice......funny, but bad.

kawizx9r

Best of luck to you.

Went through a divorce myself and well, in due time thing's get better that's for damn sure

Polkersince85

With a 1.5 YO and one with special needs, combined with your wife not having stable income; expect to pay child support (20-25% of pretax income) for the next 20 something years. The new insurance bill allows them to be on your insurance until age 26. I just got my kids paid off after 15 years.

It doesn't sound like you have a lot of mutual property but ask for the child tax deduction every other year. And yea, get a lawyer if you intend on a divorce. It can turn nasty on you in a heartbeat.

halo71

Yeah, best of luck dude! I was in those shoes about 4 years ago. From experience my advice is to see your kids as often as you can. If you tell them you are gonna do something with/for them, follow through. Things will and do get better with time. And don't be afraid to talk with friends about what you are going through or feeling. Never bad talk their mother when the kids are with you. And most important....don't put the kids in the middle or make them feel that they are the reason why things are happening the way they are.

cnh

bobman1235 wrote: »

I love that some folks think that once two people have decided to get married, they're going to rethink their decision based on what folks around here say.

An interesting point. But I would add that most people 'don't know why they get married in the first place'--in other words they decide to be together on opinions that are often worth even less than those here. Not that you should take forum members' opinions as anything more than a grain of salt...including mine.

Having said that. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. Some good thoughts above.

cnh

TNRabbit

You've gotten lots of useful advice about your kids, now for you.

GET A LAWYER NOW. If for nothing other than advice. GET AN AGREEMENT HAMMERED OUT ASAP. I ended up paying income taxes on $56,000.00 that my ex got because I didn't get an agreement settled for almost a year.

danger boy

get a dog

that's the only advice i got for ya

sorry man.

nooshinjohn

TNRabbit wrote: »

You've gotten lots of useful advice about your kids, now for you.

GET A LAWYER NOW. If for nothing other than advice. GET AN AGREEMENT HAMMERED OUT ASAP. I ended up paying income taxes on $56,000.00 that my ex got because I didn't get an agreement settled for almost a year.

My ex stuck me with 26k in undeclared income and 30k in credit cards:mad:

Jetmaker737

I've been there... with 3 kids. You need look out for your own interests right now. Lawyer up if need be. The big mistake guys make is playing the nice guy too long, maybe hoping for a reconciliation. Women are very good at playing on those emotions. Then the guy ends up getting shafted. Or at least not getting the most they can. In the end, after some time, you both will have totally separate lives and you won't give a rats **** about her. So give her nothing for free and take all that you can. That includes child custody.

Needless to say, as others have mentioned, you need to take the high road with the kids and leave them out of all divorce/custody discussions.

BIZILL

enjoy your new-found freedom.

VR3

Im with the get a dog comment...

Hahahahahhaha

Coming from someone who could care less about my Dad and his current daily activities - I can tell you it had to do with alot of what was said here.

Bad mouthing, actively involving me in "how to get out of paying child support scams" and many other things.

F1nut

This is the last place I would share or seek advice about issues pertaining to my personal life.

bsoko2

Divorce is war! Get a lawyer to work out the friendly agreement that you now have with her. Protect your assets and you will be $$$ ahead when the smoke clears. Others have posted their experiences and please realize that she will wake up to the fact that she has to get it all if she can.

cfrizz

ryanjoachim wrote: »

...Unfortunately, I also have to help pay for her rent, as she is only working part time while she goes to school.

Unfortunately??? You are not going to be in the picture full time & she is ALSO going to have to take care of the 2 of BOTH of your children. Her going back to school to hopefully come out and get a job & make a decent wage to feed & clothe them is very important And hopefully make it easier on you for child support.

She's not just doing it for her, she is doing if for YOUR children!

I don't care if you get along with your soon to be ex or not, you BOTH have a responsibility to your children, and it's going to cost you like it or not.

So quit bitchin & just help to make sure that BOTH of you make sure that the kids are well loved, provided for, & secure.

Best of luck to you both!