Dating Sucks!!!

F1nut · June 2003

What to do when you finally meet a woman that really gets under your skin, you end up getting "close", you know she has a boyfriend of some sort, but figure it can't mean much if she's with you and now she doesn't know who she wants and she tells you that she's confused and needs some time to figure it out???

Do you cut and run or wait it out

faster100 · June 2003

Cut and run, could of been you on the other end, she did it with him , you could be the next victim... save your heart and find someone who only wants you, not you and joe blow what's his face..

stevelarrison · June 2003

Walk away with your dignity intact.

brettw22 · June 2003

So here's the flipside of the other two responses........

Since you put yourself in the situation knowing that she had a "boyfriend of some sort" you'd obviously already decided to take the risk......what would sticking around hurt since you already decided to play runners up from the get go?

If that doesn't sit well, the other guys are right.........

mantis · June 2003

I'm no fan of putting myself in that situation.Having a confused woman is one of the most dangerous things in life.....

I say Tell her to make her choice so you can get on with your life.Theres no need in wasting time waiting around.

In the end there can be only one......who is it going to be?

stevelarrison · June 2003

There are two possibilities here.

One is that she is, as you said, confused, and therefore dangerous.

However, life experience has told me the other possibility is more likely.

She isn't confused.

She knows exactly what she is doing, and what she is doing is playing games with other peoples emotions in a warped game to make herself feel wanted and worthwhile.

Walking away with self respect is the only option.

stevelarrison · June 2003

Originally posted by brettw22

Since you put yourself in the situation knowing that she had a "boyfriend of some sort" you'd obviously already decided to take the risk......what would sticking around hurt since you already decided to play runners up from the get go?

If she wasn't using the old "I'm confused and need time to think line", then what you say would have some validity. It would be a clear cut case of a woman who is either comfortable cheating on people she is involved with, or a case of a woman who is about to break up, but hasn't developed the guts to talk honestly about the situation with her boyfriend yet.

The first situation has some benefits if you don't allow yourself to get emotionally wrapped up in her.

The second situation is a little more tolerable, but still not right.

But the "I'm confused and need time to think" line is a sign of game playing everytime.

RuSsMaN · June 2003

F1,

No one can really answer this but you. I see both sides mentioned so far, and from your post, you do have some warm fuzzies for this lady.

If she was already in a relationship, that's tough to break for some people. Even though they may (or may not) have had some bad times, there is a greater chance than zero they had some goood times too.

If she's really worth it to you, I think it's worth fighting for. Worst case scenario, YOU didn't do anything wrong, and put your best foot forward. In the end, if that wasn't enough, move on, enjoy it and look back fondly for what it was.

Cheers,
Russ

burdette · June 2003

I think you go with your heart and take risks in life. Risks like telling someone you like/love her even if you're unsure of her response. From that perspective, if you like her, then stay with it and ride it out.

That said, however... I think you should go in with eyes open, meaning that if she is playing around with her other "boyfriend" by seeing you, eventually she'll be playing around with you, too, and seeing someone else.

The "I'm confused" position doesn't play well no matter how you look at it. Either she is lying and therefore playing you both, or else she is so immature or emotionally unstable that she can't decide which person she genuinely likes better. Like I said, I think risk is worth it.. but you have to be sure you actually *want* what you're taking a risk to get.

Unfortunately it is cliched now, but remains true.. be careful what you ask for because you just might get it.

gshisme · June 2003

Originally posted by F1nut
What to do when you finally meet a woman that really gets under your skin, you end up getting "close", you know she has a boyfriend of some sort, but figure it can't mean much if she's with you and now she doesn't know who she wants and she tells you that she's confused and needs some time to figure it out???

The fact that you had to ask this question should give you the answer.

Greg

Strong Bad · June 2003

Do you know the other guy? Do you know what he's like?

Let me guess...you're a nice guy and treat her well, but this other guy is a piece of crap that argues constantly with her, controls her, most likely the "Bad Boy" type and is into some illegal type of things. He's probably known as "Mr. Player".

Working in a stripclub has opened my eyes to the way alot (not all) of women are. They say they want a nice guy that treats them well and takes care of them, but on the flip side, they go for the bad boy that's in trouble with the law, drinks and parties himself into oblivion and is just generally unstable. It's usually only after they've been dragged down so low with that guy that they wake up and realize "What the hell did I do!"

Think about doing this. Adopt just a bit of that bad boy attitude and give her an ultimatum. Tell her you ain't putting up with this crap and it's decision time. Don't stand for any of that "Give me a little time to think" BS. She's had more than enough time to think about it. Stand up to the girl and let her know who really is the DA MAN! Be up front and take control. Whatever she decides, it'll make you feel better knowing you stood up to that crap and took charge. There will be a sense of relief!

Don't put up with it! There's too many women out there. I know it's hard now because you're probably digging this girl, but you also have to think of yourself. This kind of stuff can wear a man down!

John

brettw22 · June 2003

I agree there's no answer here other than to say walk away. People in general are creatures of habit, and if she's willing to play on the side when she's with someone (regardless of it being due to bad times or not) then she's likely to do it again IMO. To go out on a limb (and I may catch flack for this one) but I have the same attitude with those that claim Battered Wife's Syndrome(I'm sympathetic, but not to the point of excusing the choices)......I don't excuse anyone for staying in a bad situation because of whatever speck of light that they're choosing to focus on when the situation as a whole is horrendously bad. Of course she's playing games about seeing people on the side.....and I'm sure that there are people in this room (as a matter of generality) that have at some point done the same thing in their past......the point being don't try and make the woman out to be the bad person here when you made the decision to bypass logic and continue seeing her. There are several situations (this being one of them) that I see as crystal clear, where the problem that a situation came to a point isn't the sudden issue, but instead a prior decision before that time that ultimately led to the point where we're finding ourselves now talking to F1 about. His decision put him in this situation, not hers. In another thread, Demiurge mentioned that it seems as if we've become a society of victims. I really agree with that comment, and (whether anyone acknowledges it or not) F1 is ultimately playing victim in a situation that he willingly placed himself right into. This is about taking ownership of the situation and deciding if it's more important to be used as a rug and walked on, or to walk away without putting yourself through the ringer.

Originally posted by stevelarrison
If she wasn't using the old "I'm confused and need time to think line", then what you say would have some validity.

I guess I see it differently Steve......Her using this line doesn't have any bearing on the fact that he willingly pursued her knowing that she was involved with someone else, regardless of what that situation was with the other person. Everything past that point is ultimately moot since he was aware of another person yet decided to ignore that from the beginning. She can claim to need all the time in the world (or any other excuse for that matter) but that doesn't in any way change the fact that he knowingly walked right to where he is....

F1, I hope I'm not coming across as attacking your character here....I hope you understand that's not the intent.

stevelarrison · June 2003

Originally posted by brettw22

I guess I see it differently Steve......Her using this line doesn't have any bearing on the fact that he willingly pursued her knowing that she was involved with someone else, regardless of what that situation was with the other person. Everything past that point is ultimately moot since he was aware of another person yet decided to ignore that from the beginning. She can claim to need all the time in the world (or any other excuse for that matter) but that doesn't in any way change the fact that he knowingly walked right to where he is....

We have a little misunderstanding going on here. My point about her "not being able to make up her mind" is that it has been my experience that a woman is either attracted to you, or she isn't. And that attraction is usually formed immediately when you first meet her. Being nice, caring, and there when she needs you isn't going to change her mind. When you hear that "can't make up my mind" line, it usually means she is playing with you. Hence my recommendation to walk away with dignity still intact. There are too many women out there to let someone who wants to play with your emotions waste your time.

ChrisDurano · June 2003

Its all 'bout who has the "hand."

From Seinfeld....George say..."that's why I......am breaking up with you."

Janusch · June 2003

Hey F1,
First of all I have to say john d. strong makes some great points. He has the pulse on how most young women operate. Just from the few conversations we have had I can tell you are the nice guy that gets dump on. I used to be that guy too, but there are a couple of things you can do, depending on what you are trying to accomplish.

1st off if you don't like playing games, I would suggest you find a divorced mother who finally learned how her stupidity has left her in the mess she is in. I can bet you my life she has finally learned enough wisdom to deserve a guy like you.

Or

2nd you can learn to manipulate the situation a little (Play the Game). I know it sound a little dishonest, and should not have to be done, but the reality most species of animals play games in their mating rituals. If you read some of the garbage they read (Magazines, Romance Novels, and Soap opera) you will know what to do.

THE GAME:
Women want to be excited when being romanced. They do not want to date their brother, but the ironic thing about it they do want to marry a nice guy. So their object is to find a bad guy that doesn't treat them perfect (but not too bad) and then change them into that nice guy. Why they want this I'm not sure, could be the above media influences, or maybe they have a self confident problem, am just not sure. But it does seem to be a trend in the women I dated at least. Now for the great news, you are already a nice guy. So all you have to do is not treat them not so nice in the beginning of the relationship.

Examples: Make them pay for their part of the dinner, forget to call them, or a number of things we normally would not do, but unfortunately we need to play the game.

This will anger them, but in a warped way make them keep coming back. Now the good part as they get mad at you miraculously start to change. You begin to treat them like you normally would. They are happy because they changed you

and you are happy because you no longer need to play the game.
After some time pass you can ask them to marry you and of course they will because they have molded you into their fashion

. Of course after a few years you may ask yourself why did I want this in the first place? I was so happy when I could go out and buy my equipment with out having to beg, go out with my friends, and live life to the fullest

Your Polk buddy
Dave

RuSsMaN · June 2003

I'm curious Dave, you married?

Cheers,
Russ

Janusch · June 2003

Originally posted by RuSsMaN
I'm curious Dave, you married?

Cheers,
Russ

Yeap for 10 wonderful years this July 4th. And the story behind it is way too long for the forum, but has to do with me being engaged to a divoreced woman that was married to my best friend, and an out of town girl that I didn't like, living with me:D

F1nut · June 2003

Well guys, you all have interesting takes on my situation. I thank each of you for taking the time to post a response. Some of you made me laugh, some made me think, but I do know that only I can decide what I am going to do. For those who mentioned the "bad guy", "nice guy" things, I am an ex-bad guy turned kinda nice and if it wasn't for the "warm fuzzies", I'd be long gone.
We'll see....................;)

"Having a confused woman is one of the most dangerous things in life....." AMEN!!!

SPEAKER7 · June 2003

Sorry, I can't add much more but.....CONFUSED/scary?

Well, it's definitely a stressful situation. If she is on a rebound and still has feelings for her X ...it's better to ditch her now instead of getting burned and being her second best. There are many other decent babes out there and the right one will come along when you most likely don't expect it to happen(patience).

However, if she truly was interested in you . She would continue to get your attention over and over again.....well, maybe give it some time so she can get her feelings out her system and then see if you is finally on the right track and no more mix feelings.

dc. excuse my rambling!:)

avelanchefan · June 2003

F1Nut,

I dated this girl, and she did the same thing to me. **** around with my head, people telling me to move on it is not worth it. Felt like a yo-yo for months.

I ended up hanging around, and giving her time.

We are now married ten years.:D

HBombToo · June 2003

Originally posted by burdette
I think you go with your heart and take risks in life. Risks like telling someone you like/love her even if you're unsure of her response. From that perspective, if you like her, then stay with it and ride it out.

I'm with this all day. If you don't you may regret that decision for the rest of your life but if ya do and you have been around the block a few times you will know when the relationship needs terminated or not.

Have fun and perhaps fall in Love BUT you will never forget this life experience.

HBomb

faster100 · June 2003

I'm guessing, although he has the "warm fuzzzies" for this girl, be it love or other, I wouldn't think we were talking about "THEE" girl if she is with him and another guy, already starting things out in a sense cheating... what else do you call seeing 2 people? dating or cheating?? Good luck i'm sure you will know what to do when the time comes, Nothing abunch of guys can tell ya,

Ron-P · June 2003

but has to do with me being engaged to a divoreced woman that was married to my best friend, and an out of town girl that I didn't like, living with me

Sounds like a Jerry Springer show in the making

Peace Out~:D

gidrah · June 2003

Gosh! Love is grand. Dating sucks. The benefits and positives of dating are much more intense, but love is more overwhelming. The butterflies will flitter away, but if the love remains you're doomed. Happily doomed.

She may not cheat or leave you in the future. Her man could be a jerk or you may even be the mack daddy and steal her away.

I say play it out. Sometimes being 2nd is good. It takes the pressure off and you should treat it as such. Just keep in mind that her butterflies may wear off too and if her love for you remains she'll make the right choice. If the b'flies flutter away and nothing remains, she'll have to make that decision too.

Good luck!

HBombToo · June 2003

Originally posted by faster100
I wouldn't think we were talking about "THEE" girl if she is with him and another guy, already starting things out in a sense cheating...

"This is the part I was trying to stay away from." I don't know the girl and am not in the position to form an opinion but I am acquanted with F1 to the point I hold him in high regard and I believe he can judge the situation accordingly. That said, we have no business judging any persons character that we know or more importantly we "Don't Know" from an outside view when it comes to matters of the heart.

I believe that F1 finds something about this girl that attracks him even though he has concerns about her single status. Point is also that she is not married and this is not a reflection of her loyalty in my opinion.

Hell, Jesse may fall in Love and marry this girl and she becomes a valued member of our Forum! Wouldn't you feal like **** if this happened and you were on the judgemental side of the fence?

HBomb

burdette · June 2003

So, to summarily boil this down to the paramount nutshell and get to the prime dominant crux of the principal issue....

... do what you want to do, just be honest and realistic with yourself about the situation.

... and be sure to find out if she has a loose-moraled sister.

faster100 · June 2003

and i guess don't ask for opinions because someone somewhere will shoot them down and take it the wrong way!!!

I in no way intended to put him down or question his heart..
stop living in la la land and give it to him straight, he doesnt just need, Aww it will be ok, its all good.. Obviously he didn't know what to do/think about the situation because he gracfully asked us what we thought..

So Hbomb, chill man... i meant no offense to him, just everything can't be sugar coated if your "such" a good personal friend you would offer both sides of the fence, for his sake..

I refuse to respond anymore or argue in his thread, so don't quote me or respond to me, I'm done here..(this thread)

Good luck!! stay with her, i'm sure she's a great girl and means no harm, shame on you for asking us, or questioning her morals.. LOL

HBombToo · June 2003

Originally posted by faster100

So Hbomb, chill man... i meant no offense to him, just everything can't be sugar coated if your "such" a good personal friend you would offer both sides of the fence, for his sake..

allrighty then... i'll chill. sorry:p

Big Dan R · June 2003

F1, You are doing the right thing, getting advice and making up your mind. The most important factor is time! I don't know your age but don't be in a hurry to get too connected. I had many girl friends and experienced many of the facets of relationships and realized the harder you try and find the "right" woman the more difficult it is. I was the bad guy and the nice guy and dumped and got dumped. I got married at age 35 and have been married for 14 years to a woman who is still a fox, and is the mom to my two great kids. Having common interests, like music for instance, including quality music reproduction, is soooo important. Even as I am writing this, we are "negotiating" my buying the" giant, too big, they will take up too much space" SDA SRS 1.2's. Ill win of course!
My 2 cents.......BDR

Dating Sucks!!!

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