MY LIFE IN RUINS (DVD; Fox Searchlight)

Mike LoManaco

Studio Name: Fox Searchlight Pictures
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Disc/Transfer Information: 1.85:1 Widescreen
Tested Audio Track: English Dolby Digital 5.1
Director: Donald Petrie
Starring Cast: Nia Vardalos, Richard Dreyfuss

LoMANACO'S PLOT ANALYSIS:

If after watching the desperately-wanting-to-be-My Big Fat Greek Wedding-and-talent-launch-for-Nia Vardalos My Life in Ruins that your life isn't reduced to a smoldering pile of ruins...well...I don't know what to tell you. You're sorely off and missing something. But I will say this, and pay very careful attention... you are probably never in your life going to witness a mummy **** of a Richard Dreyfuss having a threesome with two smokin' Spanish divorcees running around in skimpy miniskirts again, so if there's anything to redeem this film, this sequence is it.

Boy. I want 90 minutes of my life back. This was a terrible film, with odd dialogue, bordering-on-horrific performances by some rather talented people and a script that manages to be neither humorous nor entertaining; the recipe, on paper, was simple: Have Vardalos go back to her roots as a Greek chick going nowhere in life with no signs of meeting a man on any horizon of hers (after coming off an episode of HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and do something in her home country. The result was less than ridiculously disastrous, but not too far off. Even with seasoned people like Dreyfuss behind the cast, My Life in Ruins was simply no Greek Wedding regardless of what the prehype of the film's theatrical launch "promised."

Once again, we have Vardalos in a situation where she's condemned to "learn" some "lesson" about herself and life through her miserable profession as a Greek tourism guide in Athens; set in Greece, Ruins has Vardalos playing "Georgia," a tour guide parading around in really short skirts and heels, working for a **** of a manager that can't help but point out her weaknesses and the fact that every commentary sheet filled out by her customers lists her as "average." With a new tour bus driver (a Adam Sandler lookalike in the beginning, then turning into a GQ model by the end of the film, miraculously), she sets out to take a fresh group of arriving tourists around the Greek isles. The film attempts to make this group of misfits from all over the world funny -- but the dialoguing, gags and proposition that tourists are really this ridiculously stupid and annoying (although they are) simply falls flat. In the group are a gathering of stereotypes -- the older widower traveling alone (Dreyfuss), the incomprehensible Australians, the younger business-oriented campaign manager for IHOP and the decaying and decrepit elderly couple amongst others -- including the two aforementioned sexy divorcees from Spain that tramp around in revealing outfits attempting to attract men...even though they've "given up on them." :rolleyes:

Like in Greek Wedding, Vardalos narrates through some of the film; in the opening sequences, she sums up all the imbeciles in this tour group to a tee. Initially, the annoying group of tourists complain about the heat on the aging bus, the name of their Unabomber-like driver ("Poupi Kaka;" not spelled correctly), the price of souvenirs and countless other elements; as the film progresses, a bond is formed between the group, namely with Dreyfuss' "Irv" character who seems to be the glue between all of them. Inbetween, there is a clash of interest between Vardalos and her fellow tour guide, who's bus and level of enthusiasm with his group seem to garner more attention than Vardalos -- the entire "my group is better than yours" and "my tours are more interesting than yours" between these two get annoying and tiresome after awhile. Vardalos can't seem to keep the attention of anyone in her group, as she's interested in pointing out all the historical aspects of the country and seemingly boring everyone to sleep -- literally. All the while, the male counterpart guide is taking his group to get cool souvenirs and ice cream, which suits his group just fine; there's a disturbing glimpse into the world of the average idiotic tourist on vacation here that's quite eye-opening if you actually didn't know human beings behave this way. Instead of taking pictures of the amphitheater, this group would rather have soaps-on-ropes modeled after the ruins.

The real "point" of the plot is systematically revealed as the film progresses, which is Vardalos finding true love in her own country before she decides to leave due to the fact nothing is going right -- through Dreyfuss' character, she discovers that perhaps her own initially creepy-looking bus driver may be the man of her dreams. Before that happens, her tour group takes a turn of heart in which they begin warming up to Vardalos, going along with a scheme to swap air conditioners from her rival guide's bus with their own broken one and other such nonsense; as I said, the film wasn't really funny, at all. Still, in the middle, we're treated to a sequence depicting just about everyone in the group getting laid one evening during one of the tour's stopovers in the hotel -- including Dreyfuss, who emerges from his room all smiles and Vardalos witnesses the two sexy Spanish tramps in lingerie in his room. Way to go, Ritchie! A threesome!

While Vardalos is essentially a rabid dog in terms of how hot she is without makeup applied, I suppose the saving grace of the film is the lovely appearance in this what with her sexy outfits and tasteful makeup and hair jobs; this was a waste of a role on Dreyfuss, who seemingly needs a paycheck after roles such as this and the one he played in Poseidon as a **** construction mogul.

I was dragged into demanding this title to review from my editors by the wife -- and even she wanted to turn it off a half hour into it. It wasn't the worst film ever put to celluloid and then optical disc, but it simply wasn't good in my humble opinion, and your mileage may indeed vary...but don't say I didn't warn you when your woman even falls asleep next to you.

VIDEO QUALITY ANALYSIS:

Why is it that it's always the worst films that receive the absolute best video transfers? D