Adventure with my son, Aiden
dane_peterson
Posts: 1,903
"**** WINS"
The title is a quote from one of my brothers when he was a little kid. After returning from the Old Chicago restroom, he made this statement implying the result of a race between #1 and #2.
This evening the family went to Red Robin for some burgers. We got seated in the same place as last time--all the way back in the middle of the aisle. No problem, as it keeps the high chair out of the way. Halfway through my Jamaican Jerk'd, Aiden began rubbing his eyes, getting red in the face, and occasional grunting--commonly associated with filling his pants. I scarfed down the rest of my sandwich, and offered to change him. In restaurants, Katie usually takes on this responsibility. But considering I was somehow strangely downwind, I thought I'd just take care of it.
For those of you who've not visited Red Robin in Apple Valley MN, the bathroom is quite cramped. Management has made an effort to "open up" the room with a TV mounted to the ceiling. I always chuckle at this... how often do people spend enough time in a stall to enjoy local programming?
Aiden is deathly afraid of those fold-out changing stations. I can't say I blame him. A plastic tray that is essentially suspended in midair while you take your pants off? No thank you. Needless to say, when I laid him down, he began to cry and scream. I thought I'd make him more comfortable by putting his winter jacket (packed unnecessarily in the diaper bag) beneath his head for support. That didn't seem to help much. Whatever.
Upon opening the generic-brand diaper, I discover it is completely dry. Which seems unfathomable, considering the effort invested at the dinner table. While lifting his legs for the pointless diaper swap, I notice what some would call a "turtle head". Others a "prairie dog". Whatever it is, I've seen it before. And it was stomach-turning.
Knowing what lies ahead, I keep the kid's legs raised to alleviate some pressure. Within moments, it begins. And it doesn't seem to stop. I literally have to pull the diaper forward in unison to keep all the fecal matter from spreading all over the table. Finally, after producing a movement as large as a bratwurst, it's over. With the boy screaming in fear all the while.
I realize how I'm describing this is rather explicit. But until you've actually witnessed--from start to finish--a human-being defecate... you can't fully grasp the experience.
But it wasn't over.
As my brilliant young brother once pointed out... **** wins. Completely unprepared, I receive a thorough and warm shower that defies gravity. The stream ricochets off my face, arms and chest, and onto the 1yr old and contoured plastic tray. The guy next door leaves abruptly. I wonder if he knew what was happening. No matter--no time to think about that--need damage control. I grab a wipe in panic and begin to blot up the puddles, only to receive a SECOND shot to the face. The first wipe is contaminated with foreign bacteria, so I throw it on the ground and swipe a second towelette to plug the leak. I wait for a moment as I feel the wipe swell with absorption. It must be over. NO! More spurts fly... in every direction as they're deflected by limbs.
At which point, I began to laugh uncontrollably.
Aiden follows suit.
A dad and his son stand in the handicapped stall for a solid minute, covered in urine, laughing maniacally. I'm sure mom is wondering what's taking so long.
The clean-up process was awkward... holding Aiden in one arm, wiping down the public facility with the other. Fortunately there was a change of clothes in the bag as well. I bring him back to the table, shirt-stained and frazzled. I get the "where the hell have you been?" look. I return to the bathroom to wash my hands and finish the clean-up.
**** wins. I'll never forget that detail again.
The title is a quote from one of my brothers when he was a little kid. After returning from the Old Chicago restroom, he made this statement implying the result of a race between #1 and #2.
This evening the family went to Red Robin for some burgers. We got seated in the same place as last time--all the way back in the middle of the aisle. No problem, as it keeps the high chair out of the way. Halfway through my Jamaican Jerk'd, Aiden began rubbing his eyes, getting red in the face, and occasional grunting--commonly associated with filling his pants. I scarfed down the rest of my sandwich, and offered to change him. In restaurants, Katie usually takes on this responsibility. But considering I was somehow strangely downwind, I thought I'd just take care of it.
For those of you who've not visited Red Robin in Apple Valley MN, the bathroom is quite cramped. Management has made an effort to "open up" the room with a TV mounted to the ceiling. I always chuckle at this... how often do people spend enough time in a stall to enjoy local programming?
Aiden is deathly afraid of those fold-out changing stations. I can't say I blame him. A plastic tray that is essentially suspended in midair while you take your pants off? No thank you. Needless to say, when I laid him down, he began to cry and scream. I thought I'd make him more comfortable by putting his winter jacket (packed unnecessarily in the diaper bag) beneath his head for support. That didn't seem to help much. Whatever.
Upon opening the generic-brand diaper, I discover it is completely dry. Which seems unfathomable, considering the effort invested at the dinner table. While lifting his legs for the pointless diaper swap, I notice what some would call a "turtle head". Others a "prairie dog". Whatever it is, I've seen it before. And it was stomach-turning.
Knowing what lies ahead, I keep the kid's legs raised to alleviate some pressure. Within moments, it begins. And it doesn't seem to stop. I literally have to pull the diaper forward in unison to keep all the fecal matter from spreading all over the table. Finally, after producing a movement as large as a bratwurst, it's over. With the boy screaming in fear all the while.
I realize how I'm describing this is rather explicit. But until you've actually witnessed--from start to finish--a human-being defecate... you can't fully grasp the experience.
But it wasn't over.
As my brilliant young brother once pointed out... **** wins. Completely unprepared, I receive a thorough and warm shower that defies gravity. The stream ricochets off my face, arms and chest, and onto the 1yr old and contoured plastic tray. The guy next door leaves abruptly. I wonder if he knew what was happening. No matter--no time to think about that--need damage control. I grab a wipe in panic and begin to blot up the puddles, only to receive a SECOND shot to the face. The first wipe is contaminated with foreign bacteria, so I throw it on the ground and swipe a second towelette to plug the leak. I wait for a moment as I feel the wipe swell with absorption. It must be over. NO! More spurts fly... in every direction as they're deflected by limbs.
At which point, I began to laugh uncontrollably.
Aiden follows suit.
A dad and his son stand in the handicapped stall for a solid minute, covered in urine, laughing maniacally. I'm sure mom is wondering what's taking so long.
The clean-up process was awkward... holding Aiden in one arm, wiping down the public facility with the other. Fortunately there was a change of clothes in the bag as well. I bring him back to the table, shirt-stained and frazzled. I get the "where the hell have you been?" look. I return to the bathroom to wash my hands and finish the clean-up.
**** wins. I'll never forget that detail again.
Post edited by dane_peterson on
Comments
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This dog and I just shared a similar reaction...
And no, I don't drink out of the toilet, either.:p -
LOL AT OP!!! What an adventureI am 100% BORN DEAF and No I am not kidding!
Why am I here? My wife's hearing! 
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Been there, done that. It's not so funny at the time but it hilarious looking back. Thanks for the story and the memories!!SDA-1C (full mods)
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dane_peterson wrote: »Photo of the lil guy.
cute lil bugger..
my 20 mos old deaf (6th generation in deafness) son starting know "pee and ****" sign language and hes trying to tell me if he pooped or peed in his diaper. but sometime he signs and i checked.. nothing there.... wheew!
LessisNevermore wrote: »This dog and I just shared a similar reaction...
And no, I don't drink out of the toilet, either.:p
ARE YOU SURE???? Not after many drinks??I am 100% BORN DEAF and No I am not kidding! Why am I here? My wife's hearing!
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Too funny Dane, remember those days well........but, not to that extreme. LOL.:D Haha, have had those similar moments with the little ones, where sometimes all you can do is just throw up your hands, and just laugh.:) A very funny, (and messy) memory you and Aiden will both share forever, and a moment the two of you can look back on later in life and get a great chuckle.:)
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submit your story to Reader's digest !
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lmao... great post
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ARE YOU SURE???? Not after many drinks??:D
no -
I have a son in the middle of potty training right now and can relate and laugh along with you. Thanks for sharing dane as it makes it easier to laugh at my adventures as well. Misery loves company:D Does your wife have one of those baby books that you're supposed to write stuff like this down? If so don't forget to get it in there. Something your son can read when he is getting ready to welcome his first baby.
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As the father of five I have many memories none that equaled that. Lucky you or maybe not. Would have made a wonderful home movie.
potee -
Awesome! Man, we had quite the episode of our 2 year old daughter trying to **** yesterday. After much trying we just put her in bed to take a nap. When she got up she decided to try again. With quite a bit of effort , she finally pooped in the toilet. When she got up to survey the damage, she said, "That's the biggest one I ever made!"I know just enough to be dangerous, but don't tell my wife, she thinks I'm a genius.
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HAHAHA, parenthood sounds awesome If you will it, dude, it is no dream.
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Dane, nice story! Read it on the facebook a couple of days ago
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OH MY GOSH!!!!! No matter how detailed the story is I've never laughed so hard in all my life, story wouldn't have been near as good without the detail by the way. People in the office were looking at me like what the hell are you laughing at. Thanks for the laugh Dane, well worth the read. I'll never forgot the first time I went through a similar situation with my boy, I was like, "what the hell was that and were did it come from". My wife still laughs about it when the conversation comes up. Gotta love being a parent.Money Talks, Mine says Goodbye Rob!!!!
