DVD Review: HALF PAST DEAD (Screen Gems/Sony)

Mike LoManaco

Studio Name: Columbia/Sony/Screen Gems
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Disc/Transfer Information: Digitally Mastered Audio & Anamorphic Video; 1.85:1 Widescreen; Region 1 (U.S.)
Tested Audio Track: English Dolby Digital 5.1
Director: Don Michael Paul
Starring Cast: Steven Seagal, Morris Chestnut, Ja Rule

SYNOPSIS:

Ever wonder what would happen if Michael Bay's The Rock would have starred Steven Seagal and the unbelievably talented and Oscar worthy Ja Rule alongside Ed Harris and Nic Cage? Ever wonder what actually happened to Seagal's acting career? Ever wonder if he still weighed 600 pounds since his last major studio release and moved like an old lady taking a ****?

Better yet...have you ever actually let it sink into your consciousness that "Ja Rule" has actually acted in something since his incomprehensible appearance in Fast and the Furious? Who actually told this **** that he could act?

If you didn't get the sarcasm entwined deep within my above statement regarding Ja Rule's "Oscar worthy performance," I'll clear it up for you: I was being sarcastic. This dope-selling-hood-rat-turned-superstar may follow the formula all these uneducated, idiotic ex-drug dealers do once let out of prison -- that is, get six hundred neckchains, buy pants six times too big and make a "rap" album bragging about all the cops they've killed -- but his "talent" is still worthy of wiping my **** with a roll of Scott ultra-soft. Be that as it may, here we have one of those typical Seagal-Goes-Straight-To-Video actioneers that doesn't amount to much -- a pity, really, because the premise is actually worthy of a big director getting behind it with some real talent and making something of it. What's even more of a head-scratcher is the fact that a major studio -- Sony's own Screen Gems -- launched this **** when the material we're witnessing here doesn't seem worthy of a Goodtimes Home Video catalog release. If you haven't been up to snuff on Seagal's direct-to-video sections of his career, well, he's launched a whole boatload of these films, pretending to actually still kick **** as he did in classics like Under Siege, Out For Justice and Fire Down Below, but ending up looking like a fat porker with arthritic knees and a sudden case of amnesia when it comes to remembering his kung-fu lessons. They were embarrassments to say the least, but it seems this wife-beating, pony tail-wearing ex-action hero still needs a paycheck, because he continues to churn out these DTV titles at a somewhat steady clip, from my estimation.

I can recall renting one of these direct-to-video Seagal titles a good six or so years back and it was like, as Justin Long says in Live Free Or Die Hard, "having a pinecone shoved in my ****." Let's face it, folks: There is no Seagal unless it's Seagal in those films I mentioned above -- is there any better guilty pleasure than watching him kick the **** out of the pool hall junkies in Out For Justice? But in making these out-of-theatrical films as of late, the guy just doesn't have it anymore. What's worse, the last time Seagal teamed up with Morris Chestnut (Boyz N The Hood) it was in one of the worst films and follow ups of all time, Under Siege 2. I don't know what brought these two has-beens together for this one, but let's get on with it...

As I said, the premise for the plot of Half Past Dead was extremely interesting and, in more talented hands, it could have worked -- the island prison of Alcatraz in San Francisco has been re-opened and refreshed with a modern edge and security force. The feel of the film had a definite John Carpenter's Escape From L.A., and perhaps in Carpenter's hands, this project would have been more successful and entertaining; the new prison has been dubbed "New Alcatraz" and the film opens with an undercover "Sasha" (Seagal) working for the FBI dealing with some crime transaction that went bad, which included some thug working for a crime boss (the thug is played by, guess who? Ja Rule). It seems the FBI wants this crime boss real bad, and Ja Rule has all the information they need to bring him down. When the FBI raid the transaction, the action shifts to New Alcatraz, where Seagal and Rule are being screened to enter prison population. Rule still doesn't know Seagal is undercover, and the "ghetto language" he spits at him is just downright hysterical and embarrassing -- what is it about directors and filmmakers putting Seagal together with these rap artists (as in Exit Wounds) and having them "relate" to one another's cultures? It's strange witnessing Seagal trying to answer a clown like Ja Rule in his own speak; he had this experience with Chestnut in Under Siege 2 but to a lesser extent I suppose as compared to a "rap artist."

Speaking of Chestnut, he stars here as a turncoat of sorts, in which he starts off as a prison commissioner's aide of some kind, discussing the merits of a reopened Alcatraz during a press conference, and then becomes the key villain in the plot, in which he and a bunch of operatives break into Alcatraz in order to get information from a prisoner scheduled to be put to death in the island's new high-tech electric "chair"...information regarding hidden gold and the reason why this prisoner is in Alcatraz in the first place. The interior shots of the famous island prison are another weak point; they're obviously staged, and while the exterior shots are authentic, the inside of Alcatraz, as anyone who has spent a great deal of tourist time there can identify immediately (like yours truly), are ridiculously modernized for the purpose of the film.

In a Michael Bay fashion, the events of Half Past Dead are broken down with announcements of where things are on Alcatraz island and the time in military measurements; interestingly enough, the title of the film comes from a near death experience Seagal's character has in the opening scene after being accidentally hit by one of his own FBI people. The prisoner on death row asks for Seagal's company before the execution because he has learned of this experience he had, and wants insight. So, this prisoner has information about a shitload of hidden gold that Chestnut and his gang want, and a hostage standoff ensues, a la Bay's The Rock. When Chestnut and gang take over the prison, they take a Supreme Court judge who was witnessing the execution as chief hostage for leverage after attempts at threatening the prisoner who has the information about the gold fail. Seagal is put back into action by the FBI, where his secret communications with them (as he did in Under Siege with the SEAL magnaphone) have him assuming the assignment of taking out these "terrorists."

Now, this being a Seagal film, you would expect some ****-kickin' fight sequences, right? Well, remember what I said about his arthritic limbs earlier? We really don't see much fight action here; yeah, he kicks some of Chestnut's guys around and there's a final standoff scene between him and Chestnut first on swinging chains from the prison ceiling and then on the ground with their guns, but for the most part, there's not much Seagal-kicking-everyone's-**** action here. As the film progresses into its 90-minute running time, the dialogue delivery, action and plot get more and more moronic, to the point that a crashed helicopter inside the roof of the prison becomes the staging point for swapping the supreme court judge for the prisoner that has the information on the gold. Well, not really the staging point, but Seagal and Ja Rule are actually sitting in the cockpit of this crashed chopper, looking down at the prison below, while Seagal reveals to Rule that he is indeed an undercover FBI man and Rule continues to speak in ghetto-talk with absolutely no logic to it.

There's a pretty decent twist at the very end that I won't divulge involving Chestnut's getaway helicopter and a trick they pulled on Seagal and the FBI regarding this prisoner-for-judge exchange, but the acting is absolutely atrocious; Morris Chestnut's delivery as this villain is a prime example of this horrendous acting. He attempts to come off as a vicious public-official-turned-criminal, whispering sexual threats at the judge when she's locked in the electric chair and demanding his ransom from the key prisoner, but he's just a joke. The dialogue between him and Seagal when they are gun-to-gun at the end is laughable, and it makes you wonder how someone actually greenlighted this thing -- especially Sony.

There is a pretty memorable performance by the prison's Hispanic "warden" who probably does the best job in terms of acting turn-ins out of anyone in this cast. And, like in Romeo Must Die or Cradle 2 The Grave, there's also the redundant hot Asian-looking chick who's kicking everyone's **** from here to Canarsie, working under Chestnut's character's command. Whatever.

REVIEW CONTINUED BELOW...

Mike LoManaco

HALF PAST DEAD REVIEW, CONTINUED...

VIDEO QUALITY:

This 1.85:1 transfer, with no letterboxing on my 16X9 display, was a mixed bag, but for a low-budget, direct-to-video release, I suppose it was standard fare. There was a great deal of video noise and compression artifacts in certain spots, and when that cleared up, the presentation was mostly clean. The picture had an "edgy" look for the most part, but again, this was on-par with these DTV titles. Black levels were surprisingly good, although in some dark sequences, that aforementioned pulsating noise in the image became very apparent.

AUDIO QUALITY:

The disc included a Dolby Digital 5.1 mix in English, and fared better than the video. Aside from a slight lack of LFE in the track, the smattering of gunfire that accompanies almost every scene in Half Past Dead ripped through the 5.1 soundstage in an aggressive, assertive fashion. Ja Rule's hip-hop soundtrack which aided many of the scenes were annoying and lacked some punch, but the channel spread was impressive.

Bullets found their way to the surround channels, and breaking glass, helicopter flyovers and ambient cues were there in spades -- always a good sign for an action flick in 5.1. There were moments I felt the directional information from front to back could have been better -- for example, machine guns were being fired and the bullets or glass they broke could have concluded in the rear channels but remained up front -- but that's nitpicking. There's also a sense of the film's budgetary constraints in the audio -- it's difficult to explain or localize, but if you have an ear for it, you'll know what I'm talking about.

SUMMARY:

If you want to waste an hour and a half of your life, go ahead and rent it. As I said, what's sad here is that Don Michael Paul created a low budget, DTV snorefest that had a premise with a great deal of potential. The concept of Alcatraz re-opening and having a futuristic kind of feel is actually kind of cool -- can you imagine a JOHN CARPENTER'S Escape From Alcatraz? Well, without Clint, of course...or maybe in a cameo role...

But this was just one of those films that has you reaching for the STOP button on your Blu-ray player's remote, or checking the elapsed time on the display because you need to know how much time is left -- aside from that, Seagal's acting and martial arts is pitiful in this, in my opinion, and the whole production just screamed "cheap."

RECOMMENDATIONS:

I don't. I can't. I won't.

As always, thanks for reading friends and fire away with any questions or comments!

Mike LoManaco

Edit: The reference to "Supreme Court Judge" in the second mentioning should be capitalized; I can't seem to be able to get into the "editing" tool for my posts...

Thank you.