The Electric Fence...
F1nut
Posts: 50,459
The Electric Fence...
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the Piece of **** running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and **** at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those Piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in ****, pee, ****, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- ****, pee, and **** when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the Piece of **** running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and **** at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those Piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in ****, pee, ****, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- ****, pee, and **** when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
Political Correctness'.........defined
"A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a t-u-r-d by the clean end."
President of Club Polk
"A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a t-u-r-d by the clean end."
President of Club Polk
Post edited by F1nut on
Comments
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Funny!"He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you." Friedrich Nietzsche
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Was that tube or SS power charging that bad boy connected with an MIT cable?? I'm still pissing myself. How's your hair my good man!!
"2 Channel & 11.2 HT "Two Channel:Magnepan LRSSchiit Audio Freya S - SS preConsonance Ref 50 - Tube preParasound HALO A21+ 2 channel ampBluesound NODE 2i streameriFi NEO iDSD DAC Oppo BDP-93KEF KC62 sub Home Theater:Full blown 11.2 set up. -
Oh! My GOSH! This happened to you!
& You survived!
Unbelievable!
God MUST want you around some more for something!"Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then." Bob Seger -
LMAO! That's hilarious. Sounds like a rather painful experience none the less...The nirvana inducer-
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How's your hair my good man!!
Perfect!
Thanks for asking, but that story isn't mine.Political Correctness'.........defined
"A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a t-u-r-d by the clean end."
President of Club Polk -
Perfect!
Thanks for asking, but that story isn't mine.
I figured it wasn't...after going through something like that, I don't think you'd be able to stick around and laugh about it to much...:p
It would be incredibly convenient to be able to turn the TV on by farting and thinking of the number 4 though.The nirvana inducer-
APC H10 Power Conditioner
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Perfect!
Thanks for asking, but that story isn't mine.
No kidding. Buy you time you get up the suns long gone down. Cutting the grass in the dark...(or cutting the grass at all) not the Jesse I know!!"2 Channel & 11.2 HT "Two Channel:Magnepan LRSSchiit Audio Freya S - SS preConsonance Ref 50 - Tube preParasound HALO A21+ 2 channel ampBluesound NODE 2i streameriFi NEO iDSD DAC Oppo BDP-93KEF KC62 sub Home Theater:Full blown 11.2 set up. -
Now that there is some pretty fuuny stuff.
-
Fun-eeee!
I was about to say that would be a Dave Barry piece, but I think he still resides down in Mi-Ami, no?I refuse to argue with idiots, because people can't tell the DIFFERENCE! -
Wow, hahahahahahahaha! Funny story!!!
In UseGeorge Grand wrote: »
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In Storage
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Klipsch RF-35, RB-51ii
[Car Audio]
Pioneer Premier DEH-P860MP, Memphis 16-MCA3004, Boston Acoustic RC520 -
I about pissed myself laughing so hard. It's so outrageous it has to be partially true."SOME PEOPLE CALL ME MAURICE,
CAUSE I SPEAK OF THE POMPITIOUS OF LOVE" -
Now that was entertaining,, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!:eek:
Also reminds me of the Ren and Stempy cartoon,,"Don't whizz on the Electric fence"JC approves....he told me so. (F-1 nut) -
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA:D
I think I'll forget story ever.
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WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! That was freaking funny. At the beginning of the story I was thinking "WTF?" Then I realized it was a joke.
You see, Jesse really has an Emotiva amp hooked up to the electric fence in HIS backyard.HT
RTi70 mains
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george daniel wrote: »Now that was entertaining,, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!:eek:
Also reminds me of the Ren and Stempy cartoon,,"Don't whizz on the Electric fence"
That was what I was expecting when I clicked on the thread!HT
RTi70 mains
CSi30 center
RTi28 Rears
Velodyne CHT-12
H/K AVR-247
ADCOM GFA-7000
Samsung PN58B860
Playstation 3
2-Channel
Polk Audio LSi15's
Rotel RCD-1072
Nakamichi CA-5 Pre
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The joy of the electric fence. I have been bit by them in my youth too many times to count.
Rule 1: The fence is always hot until you go unplug it.
Rule 2: The fence is still hot, check it again.
Rule 3: Push it aside with a wooden shovel handle.
A good electric fence will completely ruin local AM reception.
We ran the AC version, with the weed zapper feature. It would
kill off any plant life that grew up against it. I still can hear
the "zap, zap, zap" sound out in the pasture. And I do remember
cattle sticking their nose out towards the wire. They'd do that about
once. And believe me, they don't forget."The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. But it does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are twenty gods, or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg." --Thomas Jefferson -
Damn, thanks for sharing that Jesse. I needed a good laugh!
My first thought was the hair but as I kept reading, I knew better. Hehe.~ In search of accurate reproduction of music. Real sound is my reference and while perfection may not be attainable? If I chase it, I might just catch excellence. ~ -
You know, this has been a pretty good day for me, and that was the icing on the cake !!!
Sal Palooza -
a_mattison wrote: »
You see, Jesse really has an Emotiva amp hooked up to the electric fence in HIS backyard.
So those things are useful for something after all? Wow, I never would have guessed.:pThe nirvana inducer-
APC H10 Power Conditioner
Marantz UD5005 universal player
Parasound Halo P5 preamp
Parasound HCA-1200II power amp
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Audioquest Speaker Cables and IC's -
comfortablycurt wrote: »So those things are useful for something after all? Wow, I never would have guessed.:p
Are you kidding? Those things are built really well and would have the power to zap some intruders as well as power Lsi'sHT
RTi70 mains
CSi30 center
RTi28 Rears
Velodyne CHT-12
H/K AVR-247
ADCOM GFA-7000
Samsung PN58B860
Playstation 3
2-Channel
Polk Audio LSi15's
Rotel RCD-1072
Nakamichi CA-5 Pre
ADCOM GFA-555
Signal Cable Analog II IC's
Signal Ultra Bi-Wire Speaker Cables -
a_mattison wrote: »Are you kidding? Those things are built really well and would have the power to zap some intruders as well as power Lsi's
lol...Yes, I was kidding actually. I'm actually considering Emotiva for when I make the jump to external amps.The nirvana inducer-
APC H10 Power Conditioner
Marantz UD5005 universal player
Parasound Halo P5 preamp
Parasound HCA-1200II power amp
PolkAudio LSi9's/PolkAudio SDA 2A's/PolkAudio Monitor 7A's
Audioquest Speaker Cables and IC's -
Thank Jesse, afterall,
Your Bad, Your Nationwide.
RT1 -
Dude that just made my morning.
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Perfect!
Thanks for asking, but that story isn't mine.
Was that Ben's story by any chance?
V -
That was funny as hell!!_________________________________________________
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SOPAThank God for different opinions. Imagine the world if we all wanted the same woman -
Sheesh. I swallered it hook, line & sinker.
Bring me to the boat, whack my head, gut me & throw me in the frying pan!"Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then." Bob Seger -
Was that Ben's story by any chance?
V
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Any guess as to the Polkie voted most likely to receive a Darwin Award.
RT1 -
That is one hell of a story2 Mirage OMD-5's (burled Maple)
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