F1nut Seen Stealing Candy From Babies
Jstas
Posts: 14,842
F1nut Steals Candy From Baby and Gives It Back
For Immediate Release
AP News Service
Friday May 30th, 2008 10:48 AM
THE MARS HOTEL -- Earlier today presidential hopeful F1nut was witnessed taking a lollipop from a crying child waiting to ride the mechanical pony in front of Eli's Spatula Emporium. Witnesses say they heard him muttering to himself that kids should not be seen nor heard and that when he became president, he would enact legislation that would allow adults to club screaming babies in the same manner that one would club a baby seal.
Witnesses then stated that they watched F1nut forcefully remove the lollipop from the toddler's hand, lick it on all sides and roll it around it the steel wool like mane on the top of his head. He then shoved the lollipop back into the child's mouth and was heard uttering "Shut up kid! Ya bother me!"
Witnesses were outraged. One Mary Q. Contrary commented that she was appalled that a presidential candidate would treat a child with such disdain. "You are supposed to kiss babies, not lick their sweet candy!" Another witness, Ed Zachary, was heard shouting obscenities at F1nut, calling him names and chastising him for his actions. F1nut was witnessed responding with various crude and vulgar hand gestures.
F1nut then entered the emporium and shopped for twenty minutes. Upon his departure, he was greeted with a growing mob of on-lookers and shouts of protest. In what appeared to be a fit of anger, F1nut again forcefully retrieved the candy from the toddler and yelled "You want to know what I think of your stinkin' candy? This is what I think!" He then shoved his hand and the candy down the back of his pants. He yanked the candy back out of his pants and stuck it to the child's forehead saying "There will be more of that once I get in to office!" He then stormed off through the parking lot and sped off as well as one can in a sky blue Yugo.
Other candidates issued statements immediately following the incident. hearingimpared's offices issues a single sentence statement saying "Da kid had it comin'!" Justin made a rare but, as usual, fantastical appearance in a red spandex jump suit, black mask and cape and issued the statement "I would have been there to avert this heinous situation but I had troubles getting my super guy suit on over my footie pajamas. Blast you F1nut, you will not escape me again! Justincredible...away!" Then he promptly jumped off the stage and landed in what he referred to as a "stickerbush". dorokusai's office issued the following statement. "Holy hell! What is wrong with that guy? Elect me president and I will ensure candy for all children no matter what the age!"
TroyD, wingnut, EarlyB, cfrizz and Matthew Polk were unavailable for comment.
For Immediate Release
AP News Service
Friday May 30th, 2008 10:48 AM
THE MARS HOTEL -- Earlier today presidential hopeful F1nut was witnessed taking a lollipop from a crying child waiting to ride the mechanical pony in front of Eli's Spatula Emporium. Witnesses say they heard him muttering to himself that kids should not be seen nor heard and that when he became president, he would enact legislation that would allow adults to club screaming babies in the same manner that one would club a baby seal.
Witnesses then stated that they watched F1nut forcefully remove the lollipop from the toddler's hand, lick it on all sides and roll it around it the steel wool like mane on the top of his head. He then shoved the lollipop back into the child's mouth and was heard uttering "Shut up kid! Ya bother me!"
Witnesses were outraged. One Mary Q. Contrary commented that she was appalled that a presidential candidate would treat a child with such disdain. "You are supposed to kiss babies, not lick their sweet candy!" Another witness, Ed Zachary, was heard shouting obscenities at F1nut, calling him names and chastising him for his actions. F1nut was witnessed responding with various crude and vulgar hand gestures.
F1nut then entered the emporium and shopped for twenty minutes. Upon his departure, he was greeted with a growing mob of on-lookers and shouts of protest. In what appeared to be a fit of anger, F1nut again forcefully retrieved the candy from the toddler and yelled "You want to know what I think of your stinkin' candy? This is what I think!" He then shoved his hand and the candy down the back of his pants. He yanked the candy back out of his pants and stuck it to the child's forehead saying "There will be more of that once I get in to office!" He then stormed off through the parking lot and sped off as well as one can in a sky blue Yugo.
Other candidates issued statements immediately following the incident. hearingimpared's offices issues a single sentence statement saying "Da kid had it comin'!" Justin made a rare but, as usual, fantastical appearance in a red spandex jump suit, black mask and cape and issued the statement "I would have been there to avert this heinous situation but I had troubles getting my super guy suit on over my footie pajamas. Blast you F1nut, you will not escape me again! Justincredible...away!" Then he promptly jumped off the stage and landed in what he referred to as a "stickerbush". dorokusai's office issued the following statement. "Holy hell! What is wrong with that guy? Elect me president and I will ensure candy for all children no matter what the age!"
TroyD, wingnut, EarlyB, cfrizz and Matthew Polk were unavailable for comment.
Expert Moron Extraordinaire
You're just jealous 'cause the voices don't talk to you!
You're just jealous 'cause the voices don't talk to you!
Post edited by Jstas on
Comments
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WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! That was great!
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Is this person going to be around at Polkfest? I need to find a place to hide my lollipops._________________________________________________
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The man just has no boundries whatsoever. It's a sad testament on todays society indeed. Thank you John for letting us know this terrible news.CTC BBQ Amplifier, Sonic Frontiers Line3 Pre-Amplifier and Wadia 581 SACD player. Speakers? Always changing but for now, Mission Argonauts I picked up for $50 bucks, mint.
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That was awesome!!
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A-hahahahahahaha! That was great!!
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Good, babies don't need candy...
F1nut for President. -
I heard that F1Nut will eat a baby that just ate a lollipop.I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and you're going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you.Herman Blume - Rushmore
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It's all that Shell V-Power fuel he snorts and drinks.
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I can't see why he would get so upset at a crying baby. hell, I cry when I see a vampire too. they're scary
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Absolutely priceless. And the race continues.Michael
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This race is STILL cleaner, and less F'd up than the real one!I refuse to argue with idiots, because people can't tell the DIFFERENCE!
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I love the Prince of Darkness tag below....
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Love this stuff.
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.....AH....the political rhetoric starts.Happens in every presidential race.Too bad you didn't bring up Jesse's priest,who happens to like circus midgets.....covered in jello.HT SYSTEM-
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