Ho ho ho early
burdette
Posts: 1,194
I'm affiliated with and used to write columns for an Internet site for men... a few years ago I wrote the following poem. Many of us here seem to be fathers, and - at least with our audio systems - do-it-yourselfers. So, thought you guys might enjoy this. Merry Christmas to all us polkanauts... my wife and I bought ourselves a digital camera for Christmas, but bought it last week so we can learn to use it. I should have system photos up soon... and I think I'm getting a new compound miter saw from Santa!
Twas the night before Christmas and tempers were hot.
Toys SHOULD come assembled alas, they do not.
With bags of small parts, and hardware galore,
You just want to throw the thing back out the door.
From inside the box there arose such a clatter,
I opened it up to see what was the matter.
Away to the basement I flew to get beers,
And grabbed all the tools that Id purchased at Sears.
The toy on the box I thought thats how it came,
But what was inside didnt look quite the same.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But instructions in Spanish - I felt my first fear.
A moment of panic, a moment of doubt,
A slight inclination to curl up and pout.
I had to get focused, I couldnt feel blue,
So I thought to myself what would Bob Villa do?
Why, hed hire it done, only bring on the best.
That didnt relieve the great weight on my chest.
For I had just hours, not long weeks or days
To figure my way through assembly maze.
While I was huff-huffing and building a rage
Momma was giving advice like a sage
I think that part B goes on right over there.
I halted my work and I gave her a stare.
She said not a word but went back to the kitchen
She knew I was barely two minutes from bitchin
Id start throwing screwdrivers, hammers and pliers
And swear at the wingnuts and bolts and the wires
The company lied to us, here on the box
I wish on their houses a most dreadful pox!
Assembly Is Easy! it says, I can read it!
They lied, they misled, and they just didnt mean it.
Im a smart fellow, I studied in school
But three hours of this and Im starting to drool
Im laughing maniacally, losing my focus.
Its Legos next year none of this hocus pocus.
YOUR kids are the cause I proclaimed to my mate,
YOU should be doing this, staying up late!
We made them together, I seem to recall,
So pick up your pliers, she said, and dont bawl.
I spoke not a word, but went straight back to work,
And silently called the toymaker a jerk,
I wanted no eggnog nor holiday cheer,
Could I still be a real man and sob in my beer?
Myriad screws I held tight in my teeth,
Wanting to rip all the leaves from our wreath;
There seem to be too many screws, thats not right.
But everything fits, everythings tight.
I sprang from the floor and I called for my spouse,
She tiptoed in quietly, just like a mouse.
The toy, its completed, its finished, its done!
And luckily, too, for I now see the sun.
And I noticed that later, as I opened new socks,
My kid was content playing fort with the box.
Twas the night before Christmas and tempers were hot.
Toys SHOULD come assembled alas, they do not.
With bags of small parts, and hardware galore,
You just want to throw the thing back out the door.
From inside the box there arose such a clatter,
I opened it up to see what was the matter.
Away to the basement I flew to get beers,
And grabbed all the tools that Id purchased at Sears.
The toy on the box I thought thats how it came,
But what was inside didnt look quite the same.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But instructions in Spanish - I felt my first fear.
A moment of panic, a moment of doubt,
A slight inclination to curl up and pout.
I had to get focused, I couldnt feel blue,
So I thought to myself what would Bob Villa do?
Why, hed hire it done, only bring on the best.
That didnt relieve the great weight on my chest.
For I had just hours, not long weeks or days
To figure my way through assembly maze.
While I was huff-huffing and building a rage
Momma was giving advice like a sage
I think that part B goes on right over there.
I halted my work and I gave her a stare.
She said not a word but went back to the kitchen
She knew I was barely two minutes from bitchin
Id start throwing screwdrivers, hammers and pliers
And swear at the wingnuts and bolts and the wires
The company lied to us, here on the box
I wish on their houses a most dreadful pox!
Assembly Is Easy! it says, I can read it!
They lied, they misled, and they just didnt mean it.
Im a smart fellow, I studied in school
But three hours of this and Im starting to drool
Im laughing maniacally, losing my focus.
Its Legos next year none of this hocus pocus.
YOUR kids are the cause I proclaimed to my mate,
YOU should be doing this, staying up late!
We made them together, I seem to recall,
So pick up your pliers, she said, and dont bawl.
I spoke not a word, but went straight back to work,
And silently called the toymaker a jerk,
I wanted no eggnog nor holiday cheer,
Could I still be a real man and sob in my beer?
Myriad screws I held tight in my teeth,
Wanting to rip all the leaves from our wreath;
There seem to be too many screws, thats not right.
But everything fits, everythings tight.
I sprang from the floor and I called for my spouse,
She tiptoed in quietly, just like a mouse.
The toy, its completed, its finished, its done!
And luckily, too, for I now see the sun.
And I noticed that later, as I opened new socks,
My kid was content playing fort with the box.
Post edited by RyanC_Masimo on
Comments
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So True it is!
I would like to add that it takes a demolition expert to first get the pieces out of the box. By the everything is out 25% is already broke!
Thank God Santa is back in my life.
HBomb***WAREMTAE***
