Oil Change

Frank Z

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
==========================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag
pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole
in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily
patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in
lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

audiobliss

ROFL!!

As I kept reading, it just kept getting better and better! That's hilarious!!

ROFLMREO!

ESavinon

Thats what i do everytime i change the oil .

faster100

Jiffy lube has free coffee

I used to change my own oil, worked for a shop for several years.. Now i take it to the dealer or a quick lube and let them do it.. LOL

Tour2ma

Been around a while, but still works... LOL.

mrbigbluelight

Fortunately, though, that is one of the funniest posts I've read on CP.


A man might throw in an additonal $2.49 for chapstick. Figure some lips are going to become sore kissing the significant other's arse for quite some time.

cfrizz

:rolleyes: Men! You're so inefficient!:D WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!:D

Frank Z

cfrizz wrote:

:rolleyes: Men! You're so inefficient!:D WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!:D

Oh yeah?

That description of women doing their oil change isn't right. Here's the way it really goes:

Oil Change Instructions For Women

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 13,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. Talk to the tech and agree to buy a new air filter.

4. Blabber on the cell phone.

5. Talk to the tech and agree to buy a new PCV valve thingy.

6. Drink more coffee.

7. Agree to buy new wiper blades.

8. Talk on cell phone.

9. Talk to the tech and agree to get a transmission flush and fill.

10. Talk on the cell phone some more.

11. Agree to have the tech rotate the muffler bearings and fill up on blinker fluid.

12. Talk on the cell phone.

13. 2 hours, 15 minutes later go to the counter to pay.

14. Dig through purse to get the check book.

15. Dig through purse to find favorite check writing pen.

16. Double check the ammount.

17. Write wrong amount on the check.

18. Write in check register about voided check.

19. Write out check again.

20. Take a cell phone call with people waiting in line.

21. Write paragraph in check register covering everything done to the car and the itemized bill.

22. Dig through purse to find car keys.

23. Find attendant standing, holding out car keys.

24. Take another phone call.

25. Try to open door while talking on the phone.

26. Push the door instead of pull.

27. Walk through the parking lot, yakking on the phone, standing in front of a car trying to get through the lot.

28. Look around for car.

29. Find car parked by the front door of the shop.

30. Get in car.

31. Try to put car in gear.

32. Put key in ignition and try to start car.

33. Put car back in park.

34. Start car.

35. Put car in reverse.

36. Pull out in front of other car.

37. Stop to put on seat belt.

38. Try to pull forward.

39. Shift car into drive.

40. Pull forward.

41. Wait for traffic.

42. Check makeup.

43. Fix lipstick.

44. Yell at the guy behind honking.

45. Answer cell phone.

46. Pull into traffic.

47. Slam on brakes to avoid accident.

48. Merge into traffic.

Money Spent

Oil Change $20.00
Air Filter $15.00
PCV Valve $10.00
Wiper Blades $15.00
Transmission flush and fill $65.00
Labor for rotating muffler bearings $55.00
Blinker fluid $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total: $201.00

heiney9

Nobody ever told me I had to change the oil in my car

I had a good laugh, thanks

H9

cfrizz

WAAAAAAAA! Frank!!!! That is SO not true!!!!:D

And at least we are not as messy, nor do we pollute the environment or ground! And it STILL cost a lot less!:D

shack

Frank Z wrote:

Labor for rotating muffler bearings $55.00
Blinker fluid $20.00

She getting a deal....they only charge my wife $50 to do both at the oil change places here....but they make up for it by charging another $50 for aligning the rear window defroster elements....:rolleyes:

bobman1235

LOL!! Blinker fluid!!

Demiurge

Yep, or changing the air in your tires.

billbillw

cfrizz wrote:

WAAAAAAAA! Frank!!!! That is SO not true!!!!:D

And at least we are not as messy, nor do we pollute the environment or ground! And it STILL cost a lot less!:D

I don't know about that. When I first started dating my wife, she was still taking her car to a quick change place. I warned her about extra charges that they try to throw in. Next time she was there, she called me on her cell phone and said the tech wanted to do some engine cleaning procedure because he showed her the air filter and there was dirt on the outside. Duh, that's what the filter does! I told her to say no. I swear, every time she took her car in, they were trying to sell her some other BS that she didn't need. I told her to never get anything beyond the oil change cost.

Here is my oil change routine:
I go to Walmart, get two 5qt oil containers and 2 Fram filters, debit card approx $30.

Saturday morning, change oil in both cars in about 1 hour. Maybe a few drops of spilled oil, no kitty litter needed. Used oil goes into the empty 5 quart containers. Used Oil filters are drained and they go into the trash (not against any environmental laws, anywhere in the US). Test drive cars, top off oil if needed, take shower, and sit back in the AC and drink homebrew beer for the rest of the day.

When this is done, I know that the cars are good to go for the next 5000 miles and I know that the job was done right and the drain plug wasn't over torqued or striped.
BTW, 3000 miles is a rediculous interval that is/was promoted by the oil companies. Maybe the cars back in the 70s needed this, but most new cars manuals specify a 5000 or greater interval before oil change is needed. Heck European VWs specify a 10,000 mile (actually the km equivalent) interval between oil changes. The only reason US VWs specs a 5000 interval is because they found that US consumers just couldn't accept an interval that long. They were so worried about going beyond 3000 miles, they were coming in and begging for oil chages at the dealerships at around 5000.
When I accumulate about 6 or more containers, I run them over to the county's oil recycling facility and drop them off for free.

I really hope there is nobody here that is dumping the used oil in their back-40. That is just stupid, lazy, and it could end up causing you to have a property that you can't sell due to groundwater contamination.

ND13

It's hard for me to beat Wal Mart for an oil change. I can get a complete Mobil One Synthetic oil change for $35, everyday price too.. That's within a few dollars of what it would cost me to do it myself and it just isn't worth the hassel for less than five bucks, imo.

ohskigod

I havent changed my own oil since I bought my frirst new ride back in 1996. 10 years of clean hands and not having to find creative ways to disose of the old oil since I was too lazy to bring it to a recycling center. wooo hooo!!!!

wodom1

I used to change my own oil when I had a driveway and a place to store everything. Now that I park on the street, it's just not an option and is 10x easier to go to the Valvoline place a few blocks away. It cost me $35-$40 for six quarts and a new filter. I only get the blinker fluid changed once a year though. Now I understand why all the cabbies never use their blinkers -- that specialty fluid is expensive!