Disorder in the Court

dragon1952
dragon1952 Posts: 4,907
edited April 2024 in Clubhouse Archives
If you've seen these already, I apologize.

Supposedly true statements, word for word. I personally like the 'voodoo' one. :D

ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active?
WITNESS : No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : When is your birthday?
WITNESS : July 18th.
ATTORNEY : What year?
WITNESS : Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget?
Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS : Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?
WITNESS : My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?
WITNESS : We both do.
ATTORNEY : Voodoo?
WITNESS : We do.
ATTORNEY : You do?
WITNESS : Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-one year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS : Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS : Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Post edited by RyanC_Masimo on
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  • MacLeod
    MacLeod Posts: 14,358
    edited October 2005
    ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
    ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
    autopsy on him!


    God! I wouldve given anything to be in the courtroom when they said this!
    ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS : No.
    ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS : No.
    ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS : No.
    ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
    began the autopsy?
    WITNESS : No.
    ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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  • ND13
    ND13 Posts: 7,601
    edited October 2005
    ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    _________________

    WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    "SOME PEOPLE CALL ME MAURICE,
    CAUSE I SPEAK OF THE POMPITIOUS OF LOVE"
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  • AsSiMiLaTeD
    AsSiMiLaTeD Posts: 11,728
    edited October 2005
    That's some funny stuff...
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  • beardog03
    beardog03 Posts: 5,550
    edited October 2005
    made me laugh out loud..

    Thanks man, I needed that..!!
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    :cool:
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  • audiobliss
    audiobliss Posts: 12,518
    edited October 2005
    They're all funny, but that last one really made me laugh. Great stuff!!
    George Grand wrote: »
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    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  • F1nut
    F1nut Posts: 50,729
    edited October 2005
    ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    My fav...............WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    Political Correctness'.........defined

    "A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a t-u-r-d by the clean end."

    President of Club Polk

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  • ND13
    ND13 Posts: 7,601
    edited October 2005
    ND13 wrote:
    ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
    sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    _________________

    WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    Jesse, great minds think alike!!! :)
    "SOME PEOPLE CALL ME MAURICE,
    CAUSE I SPEAK OF THE POMPITIOUS OF LOVE"
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  • cfrizz
    cfrizz Posts: 13,415
    edited October 2005
    God I wonder what the judges hearing these cases think, and how they manage to restore order when everyone is falling over laughing!
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