Some of Rodney Dangerfield's best one liners

MacLeod

Just browseing around and found these. Thought they were pretty good.

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's
nobody home.
I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for?
He said.......Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase.... the handle came off.
....... I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his
wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he
pulled through. My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me
find my parents.
I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them?
He said.... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can
hide.

On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last
year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different... when I
answer the door the kids hand me candy.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look
in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?
He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't
mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over
and said.
Look ... twins!

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told
me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

danger boy

RIP the king of one liners for sure

Mike682

outstanding

Back to School has been playing a lot on cable.

When they're in the bar on campus(not verbatim):

Hey mam...I want you to bring a pitcher of beer every 7min until someone passes out....after that bring one every 10min

The movie Ladybugs:

Yeah it's a two story house: one story before you buy it, another when you move in....

nadams

I find him quite tiring after a very short amount of time. Caddyshack would've been alright without him in it... He's someone I would very much hate in real life.

MacLeod

nadams wrote:

I find him quite tiring after a very short amount of time. Caddyshack would've been alright without him in it... He's someone I would very much hate in real life.

AAhh! Shame on you!

Rodney is awesome! I love his corny one liners and since of humor in general. And Caddyshack would not be the same without him!

"Hey, you wanna make $14 the hard way?"

"This is my friend Wang; no offense!"