Some groaners

[Deleted User]

Hello,
These come from the lady who works in our service department:
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got
> married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception
> was excellent.
>
> 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender
> says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
>
> 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
>
> 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
>
> 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
> his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the
> road."
>
> 6. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass
> of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is
> it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
>
> 7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a
> field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially
> inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"
> says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
>
> 8. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The
> kids were nothing to look at either.
>
> 9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull
> before.
>
> 10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other
> day but I couldn't find any.
>
> 11. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious
> accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my
> legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've
> cut off your arms!"
>
> 12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
> mussel.
>
> 13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
>
> 14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the
> bar tender here?"
>
> 15. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead
> raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm
> sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
>
> 16. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns
> to the other and says "Dam!".
>
> 17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so
> they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank,
> proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
> heat it too.
>
> 18. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my
> electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first
> replies "Yes, I'm positive."
>
> 19. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
> Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend
> dental medication.
>
> 20. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
> and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
> tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
> came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
> why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said,
> "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>
> 21. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
> One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named
> "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they
> name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
> himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
> picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
> also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
> "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
> Ahmal."
>
> 22. These friars were behind on their belfry payments,
> so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
> Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of
> God, a rival florist across town thought the
> competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to
> close down, but they would not. He went back and
> begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the
> rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and
> most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
> Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
> saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
> Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh
> can prevent florist friars.
>
> 23. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most
> of the time, which produced an impressive set of
> calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which
> made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
> suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this
> is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile
> mystic hexed by halitosis.
>
> 24. There was the person who sent ten different puns
> to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the
> puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
>
Enjoy, Ken

shack

On the outskirts of the small town of Tridville, lived a giant. He really liked the townfolk (known as Trids) but didn't really know how to express himself. When he saw one of them he he would gently kick them with his foot and say hello. The townfolk grew to like the gesture and viewed it as an honor to be kicked by the giant. In the town of Tridville also lived a Rabbi. The giant never kicked the Rabbi and it really bothered him. The next time he crossed paths with the giant, the Rabbi got up the nerve to ask "Mr. Giant...You always kick the Trids...but never me....why not?"

The giant looked down and in his kindest voice said.....











"Silly Rabbi....Kicks are for Trids..."

LiquidSound

What did Tennessee??









The same thing that Arkansas...

michael_w

9. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull
> before.

That's great. I'll have to use that one sometime.

Pablo

If teflon is so slippery, how do they get it to stick to the pan?

LiquidSound

Really wanna know? Formaldehyde...
Check this, my girl's grandmother put a Teflon pan on a hot stove to heat up a sauce or something, doorbell rang and she forgot about it. When she came back, the pan had been heating the whole time..and her two birds were dead. Don't cook with Teflon man..it's crazy bad for you..

Pablo

Never thought I would get a real response to that one. I've heard bad things about teflon too.

TroyD

If the 7-11 is open 24/7, 365 days a year.....why are there locks on the doors?

BDT

Pablo

When they used to shoot at superman, he used to stand there with bullets bouncing off. Why would he duck when they threw the gun?

Polk65

Why does the Post Office have metal detectors at the public entrance? They should be at the employee entrance.

LiquidSound wrote:

Check this, my girl's grandmother put a Teflon pan on a hot stove to heat up a sauce or something, doorbell rang and she forgot about it. When she came back, the pan had been heating the whole time..and her two birds were dead. Don't cook with Teflon man..it's crazy bad for you..

Sad but true. This can kill the bird you get as a gift, the $2000+ parrot that has been in your family for generations, or the one that a friend leaves with you to babysit. Distance is no guarantee of safety. Birds have died 2 stories up from kitchens with burning non-stick pans. This is not limited to "teflon" either since that is a DuPont product. All non-stick pan should be considered deadly for birds. If you have a bird, use cast iron skillets. They have been in use for hundreds of years and once they are broken in, they are easy enough to clean.

There are no warning labels on PTFE or cleaning products, that they will kill your bird. :mad:

The next most common household bird killers are: Arm & Hammer "pet fresh carpet deodorizer", hot air popcorn poppers and new hair dryers. Some more common Teflon (PTFE) household items that will kill your bird...
http://www.birdsandmore.com/margaret.html

We now continue with our regularly scheduled program...

hellohello

...groan...