Enjoy !
beardog03
Posts: 5,550
I thought you might enjoy this....
Why We Love Children
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
- "What?"
- "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
- "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
- "WHAT?"
- "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
- "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
- "WHAT!"
- "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a **** to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a **** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a **** is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a **** is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Why We Love Children
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
- "What?"
- "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
- "No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
- "WHAT?"
- "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
- "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
- "WHAT!"
- "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a **** to iron."
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a **** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a **** is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a **** is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Cary SLP-98L F1 DC Pre Amp (Jag Blue)
Parasound HCA-3500
Cary Audio V12 amp (Jag Red)
Polk Audio Xm Reciever (Autographed by THE MAN Himself) :cool:
Magnum Dynalab MD-102 Analog Tuna
Jolida JD-100 CDP
Polk Audio LSi9 Speaks (ebony)
SVS PC-Ultra Sub
AQ Bedrock Speaker Cables (Bi-Wired)
MIT Shotgun S1 I/C`s
AQ Black Thunder Sub Cables
PS Audio Plus Power Cords
Magnum Dynalab ST-2 FM Antenna
Sanus Cherry wood Speak Stands
Adona AV45CS3 / 3 Tier Rack (Black /Gold)
:cool:
Parasound HCA-3500
Cary Audio V12 amp (Jag Red)
Polk Audio Xm Reciever (Autographed by THE MAN Himself) :cool:
Magnum Dynalab MD-102 Analog Tuna
Jolida JD-100 CDP
Polk Audio LSi9 Speaks (ebony)
SVS PC-Ultra Sub
AQ Bedrock Speaker Cables (Bi-Wired)
MIT Shotgun S1 I/C`s
AQ Black Thunder Sub Cables
PS Audio Plus Power Cords
Magnum Dynalab ST-2 FM Antenna
Sanus Cherry wood Speak Stands
Adona AV45CS3 / 3 Tier Rack (Black /Gold)
:cool:
Post edited by RyanC_Masimo on
Comments
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We were hosting a small dinner party at our house for 3 other couples. We were all standing around the kitchen waiting for the meal to be served when my daughter, 2.5 at the time, announces she wants to sing us a song about our dog, Mosby.
She then starts singing the "Mosby, Shut the F--K up song," that mommy sings whenever somebody knocks on the door.
:eek:Yamaha RX-V1500 // Outlaw Audio M200 (x2) Panasonic TH-52PZ700U
Sony DVP-NS715P // Sony Playstation3 // Roku Soundbridge M1000[/color]
Polk LSi15 (w/Monster Z2 Wire) // Polk LSiC // Polk LSi7 // Velodyne DLS-3500
Workshop Rig: Creek 4330 // Technics SL-P310 // Cambridge Soundworks Ensemble 2 -
Gotta love it...!Cary SLP-98L F1 DC Pre Amp (Jag Blue)
Parasound HCA-3500
Cary Audio V12 amp (Jag Red)
Polk Audio Xm Reciever (Autographed by THE MAN Himself) :cool:
Magnum Dynalab MD-102 Analog Tuna
Jolida JD-100 CDP
Polk Audio LSi9 Speaks (ebony)
SVS PC-Ultra Sub
AQ Bedrock Speaker Cables (Bi-Wired)
MIT Shotgun S1 I/C`s
AQ Black Thunder Sub Cables
PS Audio Plus Power Cords
Magnum Dynalab ST-2 FM Antenna
Sanus Cherry wood Speak Stands
Adona AV45CS3 / 3 Tier Rack (Black /Gold)
:cool: -
TRUE STORY!
My brother's God mother is an ex-nun, who is still extremely religious but wanted to have a family so she left the sisterhood.
I have two older brothers, who at the time were 10 and 8, while I was 6. I knew a LOT more about dirty stuff than your normal 6 year old. Anywho...
We all went to their house to eat dinner. They have 2 daughters who were 12 and 14, I believe. After dinner we were all sitting around the table telling stories and Aunt Mary Ann asked us if we had any funny stories. Of course, me being the ornery one said, " I DO!".
I then proceeded to tell a story of a woman with huge "****" that climbed to the top of a tower, fell down, and had her "****" smashed by a bulldozer. I thought it went over EXTREMELY well and had a huge smile on my face.
The next morning I got the beating of a lifetime! My brothers also got beat because they taught me how to talk like that. Mind you, we were all in Catholic school at the time and were alter servers during mass! I asked my parents about that night a few weeks ago, actually, and they can laugh at it now but at they time they said they were MORTIFIED!
Oh.....good times!
