A HT related article I wrote.

kuntasensei

LIQUID MEAT by Jeremy L. Anderson

At The Movies

I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point we rounded a corner as a society where manners became meaningless. Common decency gave way to selfish and obnoxious behavior in public places, regardless of the feelings of others. Normally I’m all for this sort of evil, because it is usually incredibly fun to watch. You haven’t really laughed until you’ve seen an elderly couple storm out of a restaurant because the biker guy at the adjoining table uses curse words like they were conjunctions. The one place, however, that I can’t abide such behavior is at the movie theater.

I’m a movie geek. I know that doesn’t sound like much of an admission but if you knew how serious I was about movies, you’d understand that I’d be better off smoking crack and whoring myself out to dirty old men. Being a severe movie junkie, I believe there should be certain rules to ensure that everyone enjoys the feature. For instance, if your cell phone goes off during the movie, you’re out. No warning, no second chances; everyone else saw the hyperactive cartoon characters asking you to turn the damn thing off, so you forfeit the right to watch the rest of the movie because you’re an idiot. In fact, you should have a stale Twizzler jammed into your ear so that you can never use a cell phone again. Also, anyone talking during the movie faces mandatory castration, because we don’t want your impolite kind breeding.

Why am I so hostile about this sort of thing? Because I can’t go to a movie without someone ruining it for me. During Matrix Reloaded, I was treated to a soft tapping sound. That soon became a loud banging, at which point I noticed a guy on a ladder hammering something to the wall of the theater. When everyone screamed at him, he said “I’m almost finished”, hammered for another minute, then loudly packed up his ladder and left. During X-Men 2, I got in trouble for snatching a laser pointer out of the hand of this little 10-year-old redneck with a starter mullet who thought it was cute to make Wolverine look Hindu. I’m almost afraid to tell you about the trenchcoat wearing pervert who kept sitting next to me during Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, but UGH... I felt dirty. And he didn’t even buy me dinner.

Then, we have my biggest cinema pet peeve: clapping during the movie. The entire point of applause is to express your appreciation to the people responsible for what you’re seeing. This makes sense during a play or a concert, where those people are there to hear the audible expression of your appreciation. At a movie, who in the hell are you clapping to? The only people who are there to hear it are the other people who just saw the same thing you did, and do they really care what you thought of the movie? Okay, I’ll grant you that applause at the end of a movie is not a heinous crime. But what we’re talking about here is random smatterings of applause DURING a movie, obscuring the sound of the next minute of film for those of us who aren’t sitting around slapping our hands like retarded epileptics.

All of these are reasons why I assembled my own home theater. I got six speakers that were heavy enough to require power tools and southern ingenuity to hang on the walls. My subwoofer is three and a half feet tall and vibrates the house so much that my neighbor’s wife can reach **** by just sitting in her kitchen. I installed a 92 inch screen and a projector bright enough to blind the drivers of passing cars... in Mississippi. I even have a remote control that can change to the DVD player, switch to surround sound, dim the lights, and start the movie all with a single geeky press of a button. After installing and adjusting all of this gear, I invited some friends over to watch movies. The end result? One mysterious red dot on Kevin Costner’s forehead, two cell phone rings, three people talking, and four people clapping like the benched team at the Special Olympics. And they wonder why the voices are telling me to kill.

My name is Jeremy, and I am a movie geek. I have over 500 movies on DVD, and have spent more on audio and video equipment than I have on a car. And all because Mr. Chattypants wants to teleconference during Terminator 3. Thanks for the habit, jackass!

Jeremy L. Anderson is really just going to watch **** on it. Email him at reverendslim@bellsouth.net.

dorokusai

Good stuff

PolkWannabie

Originally posted by kuntasensei
Common decency gave way to selfish and obnoxious behavior in public places, regardless of the feelings of others. Normally I’m all for this sort of evil, because it is usually incredibly fun to watch. You haven’t really laughed until you’ve seen an elderly couple storm out of a restaurant because the biker guy at the adjoining table uses curse words like they were conjunctions. The one place, however, that I can’t abide such behavior is at the movie theater.

Why do you find it amusing that the old folks wasted what could very well be 10 times the price of a movie on a dinner only to have the experience ruined by a lack of manners from someone nearby but it's not okay for your precious little movie experience to be interrupted. It's attitudes exactly like this that cause society as a whole to think that no one elses experience is worth anything which in turn feeds the problem everywhere.

gmorris

Hilarious stuff. Really enjoyed reading that.

spyderman

PW has a great point.

So, if that same biker dude shows up in your theater, I expect we'd see you storm out like the old couple?

Sounds more like you need to chill and just enjoy the experience, or just lock yourself in your HT basement for ever. Try going to a movie in a more "diverse" neighbor"hood" a few times... You'd be cured of your affliction.

If you expect respect in your stomping grounds, then you should have respect for others.

AsSiMiLaTeD

Funny as hell, and true. But I'm with PW and Spyderman on this one also...being polite should not just aply to the theater, but in other areas as well.

gmorris

Getting a joke and not being so serious should also apply to the Polk Forum.:rolleyes:

AsSiMiLaTeD

Originally posted by gmorris
Getting a joke and not being so serious should also apply to the Polk Forum.:rolleyes:

True, but I don't think it was intended as a joke...at least it wasn't phrased as one...PW did react a bit harshly though I'd agree...

VR3

Originally posted by gmorris
Getting a joke and not being so serious should also apply to the Polk Forum.:rolleyes:

amen...sheeeeeeez

I went to see Shrek 2...

About 50/50 adult, children...

I picked the seat infront of the 2 loudest people in there. A mom and her baby.

About half way through the baby goes on a crying RAMPAGE man....just balling away...WAAAAAAAAA

And the mom dosnt even move...she just adds to it by come on now...shhh shhh shh...be quiet...

then the baby replied back

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

and the momma said SHHHHHH

and about 5 minutes later it was over, and I had missed a good portion of the film because the lady wouldnt take the effin baby out in the waiting area!!!!

I also agree with PW...you gotta show respect in all places...

but this was meant for the fun!

BTW, Awesome article!

PolkWannabie

Harshly ?! ...

Fortunately most bikers don't dine in better restaurants ... but by the same token the dolts that find a need to yell on their cell phones for an hour are even less fun ... Some of the better restaurants in our area are starting to force patrons to check them at the door ... Makes you wonder what we ever did before they were invented.

wrxmy02

What a change for this fourm..Great post!

acdds

I went to see a movie not long ago with a guy talking on his cell phone for 32 minutes (yes I timed it). It was unreal! Only dead silent movie I have seen in the past 5 years was The Passion!