I was walking down the street today, and

scottyboy76

A lady walked up, told me for 20 bucks i could touch her anywhere.

Anywhere i asked?

Anywhere she answered, so i gave her 20 dollars and poked her in the eyes.

dromunds

Lol

soundfreak1

Too funny!

mhardy6647

Hmmm -- once a woman threw herself at me and cried out

Kiss me quick!

... but, try as I might, I could not find her quick.

Then I went into an IHOP. They had a sign that said "Breakfast Any Time!"... so I ordered scrambled eggs in the Italian Renaissance.

(with apologies to Woody Allen and Steven Wright, respectively)

voltz

I had a light switch in my house that I could never figure what it went to, every time I walked by I'd switch it on and off. till a couple weeks later I got a letter in the mail saying : Cut it out!

Sci-fi Polk Guy

Ever hear the one about the guy who spent all day trying to close a revolving door?

Mikey081057

My bus came and I sat down next to this beautiful blonde Asian girl. I said, "Hello," and she said, "Hello." And I said, "Isn't it an amazing day?" And she said, "Yes, it is, I guess." I said, "What do you mean, you guess?" She said, "Well, things haven't been going too well for me lately." I said, "like what?" She said, " I can't tell you, I don't even know you." I said, "Yeah, but sometimes it's good to tell your problems to an absolute, total stranger on a bus." She said, "Well, I just came back from my analyst, and he's still unable to help me." I said, "What's the problem?" She paused and said, "I'm a blonde Asian nymphomaniac and I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys." And she said, "By the way, my name is Diane." I said, "Hello, Diane, I'm Bucky Goldstein."

Props to Steven Wright

Mikey081057

And another of my favorites Mitch Hedburg ....RIP Mitch....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUNvFVQYClY

hochpt21

Take my wife...please!

SCompRacer

I was walking down the street today, and a well endowed woman with a tight 'Guess' t shirt walked by. I said "implants"? and she hit me in the eye.

voltz

A women wearing the tightest bluejeans I ever seen walked by and I ask her: How in the world do you get into jeans that tight? she said: You start by buying me a drink!

mhardy6647

which reminds me of one of my favorite-est jokes. This joke has been attributed to Ezra Pound (if you can imagine that). I can neither confirm nor deny, though.

A man is talking to a woman in a bar. At one point, he asks her "Would you go to bed with me for $50,000?"
She giggles, smiles, pauses a moment and says, "You know.... yes, I would!".
"Would you go to bed with me for $10?"
At which point, she throws her drink at him and slaps his face.
"What kind of woman do you think I am?!", she hissed.
"We've already established that. Now we're just negotiating price."

gdb

I was on the elevator when this beautiful woman with a great bust got on. I was staring at her b*o*o*b*s when she asked if I would please press one. So I did. I don't remember much after that. (C;

scubalab

Scotty's opener reminds me of this one:

A lady of the night approached me and said, "for $100, I'll do ANYTHING you want"... I paused for a moment, handed her $100, and said... "Paint my house".

deronb1

You know that split second feeling when you are leaning back in your chair and about fall over, but don't? .....I feel like that all the time. -Steven Wright.

voltz

A women goes into the police Station, and tells the officer at the front desk that she wants to report a rape, he ask her when it happened and she said over 3 weeks ago. So he ask her why she waited so long to report it: she said because she didn't know it was rape until the check bounced!

voltz

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

deronb1

I get no respect....i found a wallet the other day. It had a picture of my wife and kids in it.

gdb

I bought some batteries.......they weren't included. - Steven Wright

voltz

How come you never hear about a psychic winning the lottery?