Priceless Stuff

George Grand

How about those really "special" moments, that you were there live and in person to witness? Huh? How about those? The ones that kind of get lost in the translation to others, but will stay with you a lifetime. ESPECIALLY the funny ones. I guess the historic, or socially oriented ones are noteworthy, but it's the FUNNY ones that you take to the grave.

About 8 years ago, myself and a number of personnel from my squadron were at the range, and had just finished our bi-annual requirement to qualify with the 9MM handgun. I don't often get serious, and I like to goof off and wise-**** a lot, but put together 15 people that don't hang around guns a lot, give them all real guns and real bullets, and then make me one of those people, AND YOU HAVE GOT MY COMPLETE ATTENTION. I am like the only cat in a roomfull of ****' dogs man! No **** around, no wisecracks, just total fear. You're the guy next to me and you don't hang around guns a lot? You even come close to pointing that thing even remotely my way and I'll shoot your **** in a New York minute. To make matters worst, no helmets, no flak vests, no nothing. We have practice ORE's and ORI's and **** like that, and you can't go to the bathroom, or the finance office without a flak vest and helmet. Here we are with real bullets, and real people, and no protection whatsoever required. Go figure.

Anyhow, we all finished shooting, and they take you into a small, concrete, one room building adjacent to the range, to break you up into small groups, to STEP BY STEP (key words) disassemble and clean the weapons you just fired. All goes well, until the instructor, an enlisted security policeman from our unit, tells everybody to "Stop right there cause this is the part where somebody always gets hurt, or can lose an eye or something!" He gets everyones attention with that, and as he's clearing his throat to continue, when the classic cartoon sound of a spring uncoiling goes off, followed by the sound of something moving fast through the air, and all of a sudden the instructor is dead silent. Everybody had turned to the sound of the spring uncoiling, which was my close friend and confidant Capt. Dave Wingert, KC-135 pilot. He was standing there with his gun in pieces in his hands, and a real "Oh ****" look on his face. Then, everybody kind of noticed the dead silence caused by the instructor not talking anymore, and turned to HIM. Well HE wasn't even facing us. HE, was in a crouch with his back to everyone, and his hands clearly up to his face. He slowly stood up, turned around, and with his eyes burning a hole through Capt. Dave Wingert, slowly dropped his hands. That's when it became painfully and hysterically obvious that close friend and confidant Dave, had shot this guy dead center in the chin, with the part of the gun that he was trying to caution us about. I lost it big time right then and there. The mark on this poor guys chin was instantly a perfect red circle, as if painted on with Chinese red lipstick. It had to hurt like a mother, but I couldn't help myself, I just roared with laughter. A few others joined in, a few others didn't, but what the hell. That guy called Dave every name he could think of, rank having no bearing whatsoever.

If this thread catches on, perhaps I will relate other great moments I was ther live and in person for, like the time Tommy Hardy stepped in whaleshit at Coney Island, or the time I handed a U.S. Customs Service agent a bunch of paperwork that was on fire when I pulled it out of my flight suit. That incident might not count because OF COURSE I was there, it wouldn't have happened if I WASN'T there. Unless, the NEXT GUY came along and handed him paperwork that was on fire (Hey, it could happen).

George Grand (of the Jersey Grands)

warviper

Come on George tell us about the whale ****.:D

Jstas

I have a story but I caused it, does it count? Well, let me tell the story and then you can decide.

I used to work the parts counter at a local Pep Boys. One early Saturday morning, my manager asked me to come in and help out with setting up displays. We got down to the last thing and it was to figure out what to do with the Pennzoil display.

My manager asked me and the other guy for ideas so I said gimme an hour and I'll come up with something. So we sat on the parts counter and helped customers and about 15 minutes later, it hit me. They were doing the IRL sponsorship so me and the other guy took all the Pennzoil boxes and stacked them to look like a Pennzoil Indy Car. We made front page news in the company news letter.

(sorry for the big build up but you have to understand where this came from)

So 3 months later, they started running some huge promotion about Pep Boys installing everything they sell, including engines. We were on a Quaker State kick at the time too. So again, we built a display. We made a tow truck using an engine hoist, Quaker State boxes, a plastic engine display hanging from the hoist and tires and such, just like the Indy Car display.

Well, while I was doing this, I had the bright idea of making the lights flash on the roof. I also stuck the Manny, Moe and Jack plastic statues inside the cab to make them look like they were operating the truck.

So while I'm sitting there wiring up a deep cycle battery to a pair of flashing yellow lights, one of the assisstant managers comes up and says "You know what f%& you're doin'? You parts guys think you know everything! Dude, just stop because it's obvious you have no f%&#@*$ clue what the f#$% you are doing." That particular manager had a nickname of "Dog Dirt" which is another story.

So listening to this tripe, I went and talked to the store manager who was gung-ho about the whole thing. He thought it was cool and he was proud of his parts counter because the company kept showing our store as the top in sales and lowest number of returned parts. So he wanted to showcase the whole deal because we were getting a regional visit. So I grabbed some Bosch relays, a set of replacement Jeep tailight assemblies, a couple of sealed beam head lights, 6 flasher fuses and some running lights and wired the whole damn thing up to a pair of deep cycle batteries.

For giggles, I took another empty Quaker State box and wired up a lawn tractor battery to a returned alarm siren. I grabbed the remote and the relay from the alarm and wired them to the battery with a red flashing light on top. I stuck the siren inside the box and painted the box white and wrote "**** Detector" on the box in silver letters. Me and another guy put it on a shelf above the front door and stuck the key fob under the counter.

The next morning, it lie in wait! I beat my store manager there and I was waiting for him when he showed up. He walked in and was estatic about the tow truck. So I showed him everything I did. I told him about the assistant manager too and he said it wasn't cool and he'd talk to him about it. Then I said "Wait, I have something better!"

I walked behind the counter and tagged the keyfob from the alarm and the siren goes off and the light starts flashing and he starts giggling like a school girl.

So the asst. manager is scheduled to come in at like 10 AM. So at 9:45, the store manager tells everyone he wants them on the parts counter. So it's me, the parts counter manager, the APD manager, the other asst. manager, the store manager, the service writers and 5 parts guys standing at the counter. The asst. manager walks in the door and we tag the keyfob. The **** detector goes off and the store manager says "I'll be damned! It works! You parts guys really DO know what you are doing!" We all got a good laugh...except for the asst. manager. Me and the two guys who did the tow truck got our pictures taken with the store manager and the regional guys with the tow truck and we made the front page again and got a bonus that week in our checks. They also mentioned the **** detector indirectly (it could be seen in the back of the picture) but mentioned the asst. manager by name. We got calls from other parts counters for weeks asking for a detector of thier own!

But the look on his face after he saw the "detector" and then blew his stack was classic! He didn't speak to me for 2 months after that and went in the office for the rest of the day!