Doctor's Notes

F1nut · January 2004

DOCTOR'S NOTES

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going
to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
* * * * * * * * * * * * *

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope
on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the
patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
* * * * * * * * * * * *

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting
to the rest of the family that he had died of a
"massive internal
****."

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
* * * * * * * * * * *

I was performing a complete physical, including the
visual acuity
test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and
began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless
read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read
the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that he had done
exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with
both his eyes
covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was
having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one
every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him
quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man
had over fifty
patches on his body! Now the instructions include
removal of the old
patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
* * * * * * * * * * * * *

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, "How
long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she
answered ... "Why, not for about twenty years -- when
my husband was
alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
* * * * * * * * * * *

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
"So, how's your
breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I
can't seem to get
used
to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to
see the jelly and
the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
* * * * * * * * * * * * *

And Finally . . . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was
quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To
cover his
embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of
whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this
exam suddenly
burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He
looked up from his
work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling
you?" She
replied,
"No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I
wish I was an Oscar
Meyer Wiener'."