Joke of the day

Strong Bad

KEEP THE OLD MOTOR RUNNING

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20 year old girl.

After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow.

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said to him, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."

He responded, "I told you, you've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you'd better change the oil. This one's black"
:eek:

F1nut

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Frank Z

A very wealthy 98 year old man marries a 24 year old girl, she's obviously after his money and nothing more.

On their Honeymoon the elder Gentleman excuses himself and leaves the bridalsuite to use the bathroom. While he's gone the young bride slips into a very sexy silk teddy and is laying on the bed hoping to induce a heartattack when the old man returns.

He steps back into the room wearing nothing but a clothes pin on his nose, ear plugs, and a condom on his very healthy erection!

The young lady is shocked and askes about his strange attire.

He replies that in all his 98 years he's never been able to get used to the smell of burning rubber and the sound of a screaming woman!!

polkatese

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says "All I've got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob."

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE ****. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?

warviper

lmao that last one was great.

amulford

Three guys are going to play golf. They wanted to play a foursome, but one of their friends didn't show.

As they get ready to play, they notice a guy about to play by himself. He has a nice bag and clubs, and looks like he didn't really want to play alone.

They ask him if he wants to fill in, and he says sure what the hell.

They were playing a few holes, bullshitting around and the new guy fit right in. One of the guys asks the newcomer what he does for a living.

"I'm a hit man", the guy replies.

"No your not" says one of the friends.

"Yes I am. Look, here's my favorite tool of the trade." With that he pulls a beautiful rifle out of his golf bag.

"Man that is a nice gun. How much do you get for a hit?" one friend asks.

"I charge $2000 dollars for each pull of the trigger."

Another friend asked the guy if he could look thru his rifle."I live right on the other side of the course, and I wonder if I can see the house from here."

"Sure, here ya go", and he hands him the gun.

"Man, this thing is nice. I can see right thru my bedroom window. There is my wife, and she's still naked from this morning. HEY... WAIT A MINUTE!!! THERE'S MY **** NEIGHBOR!!! I'll kill 'em. No, wait a minute.... Hey man, I want to hire your services."

"Okay" says the guy, "It'll cost you four thousand."

"So what, I'll save 100 times that in a divorce."

So the man takes back his rifle and asks "Where do you want 'em to get it?"

"Shoot her in the mouth, the lying ****."

"Sure" says the hit man and he starts to aim. " What about the guy?"

"Blow that sneaky mother ****'s dick off and let him bleed to death, the sneaky ****."

"No problem" says the hit man and proceeds to take careful aim.

He stays in that position for about a minute or so and the husband starts to complain," Go ahead, man, kill the ****. KILL HER."

"Hold your horses, buddy. If you can wait a couple of seconds, I'll be able to save you a couple of grand."

polkatese

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.

The second dog turned to him and asked, 'What are you in here for, buddy?'

The dog looked depressed.
'I'm in big trouble,' he said. 'My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep.'

'I know how you feel,' said the second dog. 'My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself. I **** all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep too.'

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room.

'So what are you here for?' they asked.

'Well', said the third dog, 'my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.'

The other dogs nodded in sympathy.
'So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?'

'No,' said the dog, 'I'm having my nails clipped.'

Frank Z

A 3 legged dog walks into a bar.

The bar goes completly silent.

The dog says "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."

VR3

I FINALLY GET THE JOKE!........that was stupid to...the hit man joke....lol

pjdami

Pierre & Boudreaux at the Unemployment Office


Pierre and Boudreaux found themselves out of a job when the underwear factory in Pierre Part shut down. But their boss said they could go to the unemployment office -- so that Pierre and Boudreaux could get some money from the State while out of a job.

So Pierre and Boudreaux went to the office.

As Pierre waited, Boudreaux sat down at a desk and was interviewed by the lady there.

"And what was your former occupation?" she asked.

"Me, I was a crotch stitcher. I specialized in ladies underpants." Boudreaux proudly replied.

So the lady looks it up in her big book and says, "OK, you're eligible for $50 a week."

"You mean I don't gotta do nothin' and I kin get $50 a week. Man, dats betta den crawfishin'!" Boudreaux shouted.

Then Pierre sat down and the lady asked him the same question.

Pierre looked her straight in the eye and said, "I was one a dem diesel fitters."

She looked up in her big book again and said "Very good then, you're eligible for $200 a week in unemployment benefits."

"Wait a minute!" Boudreaux shouted. "Mais, how come Pierre gets $200 a week, and me, I only get $50. I tole you I used to be a crotch stitcher; you know you gotta be real good to do dat kind of work so de seams are all nice an straight an smooth so nutting scratches de lady. An Pierre here, he's only a diesel fitter. And he's gonna make at least twice more dan me?!"

"Oh," the lady replied, "but he's a skilled laborer with an education. Diesel fitters are in high demand especially by oil fields and heavy equipment users. There's not many diesel specialists around."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady," Boudreaux continued, "you got dat all wrong. Yeah, Pierre's a diesel fitter, all right. But what dat means is dat after I do all de fine work on de lady drawers, he picks dem up, looks 'em over and stretches dem dis way and dat, and den says, 'Yep, dese'll fit her!'"

polkatese

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.

He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then little Johnny says “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on’, but I like your thinking.”




The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear."

Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle."
He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put
your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced,


"Skunk, killed with an axe."

pjdami

Clotile is Deaf


One day Boudreaux went to the doctor to get a check up. Boudreaux says to the doctor, "Mais you know something doc ... my wife Clotile, she's having trouble wit her hearing."
De doc say, "Well Boudreaux, how bad is it?"

"Mais doc I don't know how bad it really is but she don't seem to hear me at all. Whats de best way to find out how bad her hearing is?"

De doc say, "Boudreaux, when you get home stand about 20 feet behind Clotile and say something in your regular voice. If Clotile don't respond then move up 10 feet and try again. If you don't get any response again move up 5 feet and try, then if you don't get any response move right up behind her and try."

When Boudreax got home, Clotile was wash dem dish in de sink so he get about 20 feet back and say, "Clotile what we havin for dinner?"

Mais there was no response, so he move up 10 feet and say dat again. Still no response so he move up 5 feet and try. Nothing...

"Hunh, it worse dan I tought," Boudreaux say to himself.

He move right up behind Clotile now and ax her one mo time, "Clotile, what we havin for dinner?"

Clotile turned, looked at him and said, "Dammit!! for the fourth time, I said we havin' chicken and rice!".

Frank Z

Fred was a notorious **** artist.
He finally got invited to poker at the neighbors house and proceeded to regal his poker buddies with his hunting stories."I was out hunting a while back when I came across this 14 point buck about 400 yards away. I whipped out my snub-nose .38 and dropped him with one shot. I wasn't very hungry so I cut off 1 leg, threw it over my shoulder and headed back to the truck. About half way there I saw an even bigger elk so I snuck up on him and dropped him like a rock with my 4" buck knife. Still wasn't to hungry so I cut off 1 leg and threw it over my other shoulder."
As Fred was begining to start another story when the doorbell rings..."Pizza Guy...New Guy Pays!" yell the men around the table. Fred pays for the piza and says 'Now where was I?" One of the other guy's rolls his eye's and says 'You had a leg over each shoulder" And Fred says oh yeah...And we were screwin' all night long!

polkatese

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Frank Z

A guy walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist where the condoms with the pesticide on them are. The pharmacist says "Sir I think you mean Spermacide." The customer says "No want I want the condoms with pesticide on them." The pharmacist is a little confused by the man's request and askes "Why do you want condoms with pesticide on them?" The guy says "My wife has a had a bug up her **** all week and I'm going in after 'em!"