Outlooks.

Polk-a-nizer

Things to consider:
Some (MOST)(OK Damn near ALL) are borrowed from my good friend Ughdenn Splitskull.
~You are not REAL, you are GOD'S DREAM.
~Reality is an illusion, based upon a dream from a GOD that does not SLEEP.
~If you EXPECT the UNEXPECTED, does'nt that make the UNEXPECTED... EXPECTED?
**Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
**If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
**Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
**What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
**Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
**Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
**When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?
**If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
**Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
**Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
**If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
**If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
**Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
**What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
**Why is bra singular and panties plural?
**Why do they report power outages on TV?
**If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?
**If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?
**If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?
**Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
**If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
**Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
**You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
**If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
**Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
**Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
**Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
**Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
**Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
**If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
**Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
**Why is the alphabet in that order?
**If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
**If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
**Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
**Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
**Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
**If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
**When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
**Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
**Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
**Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
**Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk?
**The light went out, but where to?
**Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one shirt?
**Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
**What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
**When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
**How come abbreviated is such a long word?
**Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
**How come when you tell a man that there are over 400 billion stars in the sky, he believes you, but when you tell him a bench has wet paint on it, he has to touch it?
**How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
**Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?
**If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
**Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
**How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
**Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
**Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
**Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
**Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
**Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
**What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
**Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
**If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
**Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
**Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
**Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
**If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
**Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
**Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
**War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
**If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
**If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
**Is there another word for synonym?
**Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
**When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
**Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
**Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
**If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
**Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
**Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
**If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
**Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
**Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
**If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
**How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
**If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
**If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2 and not #1?
**If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
**If you're born again, do you have two belly-buttons?
**If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
**Why does the word "sanction" mean both to permit and to prohibit?
**Why does the word cataract mean both a waterfall and an eye defect?
**If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
**How do a fool and his money get together?
**Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
**What do they use to ship styrofoam?
**How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
**Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
**When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
**Does fuzzy logic tickle?
**Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
**Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
**Why is it called a TV "set" if there's only one?
**Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
**Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
**If the opposite of pro is con, is the opposite of progress congress?
**Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
**Why is it, whether you sit down or sit up, the results are the same?
**Why is it called a "building" when it's already built?
**Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
**If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
**How can you "draw a blank"?
**Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllable"?
**Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
**Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when we're already there?
**Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
**Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
**Does a fish get cramps after eating?
**Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?
**Why is it when two planes almost collide it's called a 'near miss'. Shouldn't it be called a 'near hit'?
**Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
**Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on, when it off you can't see to read.
**How do you know when it's an ENDLESS LOOP?
**Why is FOOTball played by hand?
**Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
**Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations where smoking is not permitted?
**Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?
**Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
**How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work on snowy mornings?
**If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day and 365 days a year then why are there locks on the doors?
**If a cow laughs real hard would milk come out of its nose?
**If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make it stick to pans?
**Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
**Why is it when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
**Why does AT&T advertise "Reach Out and Touch Someone" when that's the one thing you can't do with a phone?

Polk-a-nizer

DAMN are my fingers sore! Hope you got a lotta free time on your hands. CUZ it's a LONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG one;) ! WAIT, did that sound wrong, or is it just me:D ? I was talking about my last threads you DIRTY minded people. :eek:

Polk-a-nizer

By the time I hit the bottom. MY left mouse button was permanently STUCK to my finger. Now.... If you'll excuse my I have to go find some NO STICK TEFLON.........:D