Some jokes for Friday
burdette
Posts: 1,194
Two nuns are walking through Central Park when two thugs jump out, grab them, and start having their way with them. Sister Mary looks up and says "forgive him Father, for he knows not what he does!" Sister Catherine looks over and says "Mine does."
A mathematician and an engineer are each told that they are going to be put in a room in a corner. In the opposite corner of each room is an amazingly beautiful woman, and if he can reach the woman, he can have sex with her. The caveat is, each can only go HALF the distance to the woman at each interval. The mathematician looks dejected and says "Well, that sucks.. if I go half way each time, I can never reach her." The engineer eagerly begins the journey and says "I can get close enough for practical engineering purposes."
After years on the job, a country doctor decides to retire, and as he is cleaning out his office, he finds a box in which he has saved every **** of every circumcision he has ever performed. He thinks.. 'these MUST be good for something.' So he takes them down to the leather shop and asks if they can make them into something as a memento of all his years on the job and all the babies he has delivered. The guy says "sure, I'll give it a shot, come back next week." So the doc comes back next week and the guy excitedly hands him a beautiful wallet. The doc says "I gave you that big box of foreskins, and all you were able to make was a wallet?" "Hold on", says the guy, "when you rub it, it becomes a briefcase."
A mathematician and an engineer are each told that they are going to be put in a room in a corner. In the opposite corner of each room is an amazingly beautiful woman, and if he can reach the woman, he can have sex with her. The caveat is, each can only go HALF the distance to the woman at each interval. The mathematician looks dejected and says "Well, that sucks.. if I go half way each time, I can never reach her." The engineer eagerly begins the journey and says "I can get close enough for practical engineering purposes."
After years on the job, a country doctor decides to retire, and as he is cleaning out his office, he finds a box in which he has saved every **** of every circumcision he has ever performed. He thinks.. 'these MUST be good for something.' So he takes them down to the leather shop and asks if they can make them into something as a memento of all his years on the job and all the babies he has delivered. The guy says "sure, I'll give it a shot, come back next week." So the doc comes back next week and the guy excitedly hands him a beautiful wallet. The doc says "I gave you that big box of foreskins, and all you were able to make was a wallet?" "Hold on", says the guy, "when you rub it, it becomes a briefcase."
Post edited by RyanC_Masimo on
Comments
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How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Wanna ride bikes? -
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
If your not sure what a 710 is, click here.
http://rtccom.net/~mfjgolf/710.jpg -
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
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Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
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Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
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Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
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California: Where anyone can be Governor...but not for long.
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Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
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Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
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Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
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Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids but do so in Spanish
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Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
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Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, leave us your money)
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Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good
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Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
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Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
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Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
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Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
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Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
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Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
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Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
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Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
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Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
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Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
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Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
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Mississippi: Come Here And Feel Better About Your Own State
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Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
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Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Little Else
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Nebraska: We use astro turf in our stadiums so that our cheerleaders aren't tempted to graze.
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Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
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New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
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New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
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New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
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New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To an Attorney
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North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
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North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
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Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
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Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
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Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
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Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
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Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
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South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
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South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
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Tennessee: The Educashun State
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Texas: Si' Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
alternatively: It's so sad, we're missing our village idiot.
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Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
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Vermont: Yep
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Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
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Washington: Yes, we occassionaly have sunshine but we don't like it!
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Washington, D.C.: Help, We're overrun by Nerds and Slackers!
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West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
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Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
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Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ..... and the sheep are scared!More later,
Tour...
Vox Copuli
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. - Old English Proverb
"Death doesn't come with a Uhaul." - Dennis Gardner
"It's easy to get lost in price vs performance vs ego vs illusion." - doro
"There is a certain entertainment value in ripping the occaisonal (sic) buttmunch..." - TroyD -
Tour-
That was HILARIOUS!!! -
I thought Wisconson was "Come and smell our Dairy Air"
