Funniest Comedian One Liners

Tour2ma
Tour2ma Posts: 10,177
edited January 2011 in The Clubhouse
A poster in some thread the other day quoted a Stephen Wright line bringing this old fav to mind:
Stephen Wright wrote:
When I was a little kid we had a quicksand box.

I was an only child . . .

... eventually.


A thread in Troubleshooting brought to mind Ron White's "You Can't Fix Stupid" concert from which I think this came:
Ron White wrote:
The other day I'm in the hotel room making love to my wife when the maid walks in... which is a hell of a lot better than the other way around.

Your fav's?
More later,
Tour...
Vox Copuli
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. - Old English Proverb

"Death doesn't come with a Uhaul." - Dennis Gardner
"It's easy to get lost in price vs performance vs ego vs illusion." - doro
"There is a certain entertainment value in ripping the occaisonal (sic) buttmunch..." - TroyD
Post edited by Tour2ma on
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  • ben62670
    ben62670 Posts: 15,969
    edited January 2011
    It's so cold I saw a dog stuck to a fire hydrant.
    Please. Please contact me a ben62670 @ yahoo.com. Make sure to include who you are, and you are from Polk so I don't delete your email. Also I am now physically unable to work on any projects. If you need help let these guys know. There are many people who will help if you let them know where you are.
    Thanks
    Ben
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  • mhardy6647
    mhardy6647 Posts: 33,763
    edited January 2011
    Stephen Wright is probably my favorite one-liner (Henny Youngman-style) comedian - plus, I love his delivery.

    I put some spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

    I am going to have an MRI next week to find out whether I'm claustrophobic.
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  • pitdogg2
    pitdogg2 Posts: 25,411
    edited January 2011
    mhardy6647 wrote: »
    Stephen Wright is probably my favorite one-liner (Henny Youngman-style) comedian - plus, I love his delivery.

    I put some spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

    I am going to have an MRI next week to find out whether I'm claustrophobic.

    i also loved his stuff whatever happened to him?
    last thing i seen he was a couch dude in a very funny movie
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  • mhardy6647
    mhardy6647 Posts: 33,763
    edited January 2011
    I heard an interview with him on some Sirius/XM comedy channel driving home one night last week. He's still around.
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  • RuSsMaN
    RuSsMaN Posts: 17,987
    edited January 2011
    Take my wife, please.
    Check your lips at the door woman. Shake your hips like battleships. Yeah, all the white girls trip when I sing at Sunday service.
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  • anton.chigurh
    anton.chigurh Posts: 239
    edited January 2011
    I took a lie detector test....no I didn't.
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  • BlueFox
    BlueFox Posts: 15,251
    edited January 2011
    RuSsMaN wrote: »
    Take my wife, please.

    Dammit. Beat me to it. :biggrin:

    "When I make love to a woman, they kick and scream, but I won't take no for an answer."

    Rodney.
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  • Polkersince85
    Polkersince85 Posts: 2,883
    edited January 2011
    A man is only as old as the women he feels ........ George Burns

    My Daddy said we were so poor when I was born that the woman next door had to have me. ........ Ray Stevens
    >
    >
    >This message has been scanned by the NSA and found to be free of harmful intent.<
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  • Bababouey
    Bababouey Posts: 129
    edited January 2011
    Rodney Dangerfield..
    I met a girl and she told me to come over, nobbody's home.
    I went over.. there was nobody home.
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  • potee
    potee Posts: 610
    edited January 2011
    I'm glad you guys like Steven Wright as we're cousins, our moms are sisters. Don;t get to see him much as his off times are in Ma., Ca or Ny. and I live in Fl. I can tell you that he stays pretty damn busy between going on the road and he does a lot of writing, movies Skits and such

    PoTee
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  • PerfectCreature
    PerfectCreature Posts: 1,456
    edited January 2011
    The rebel in me has to do it.

    Get R' Done.
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  • fishbones
    fishbones Posts: 947
    edited January 2011
    Not a one-liner, but still funny!

    Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...

    "I hope the **** channel in my room is disabled?" To which she replied, "No, it's regular ****, you sick ****."
    ..... ><////(*>
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  • Tour2ma
    Tour2ma Posts: 10,177
    edited January 2011
    potee wrote: »
    I'm glad you guys like Steven Wright as we're cousins, our moms are sisters. Don;t get to see him much as his off times are in Ma., Ca or Ny. and I live in Fl. I can tell you that he stays pretty damn busy between going on the road and he does a lot of writing, movies Skits and such

    PoTee
    Geez, I'd think you'd be funnier by association :tongue:...

    Stephen's act was/ is so novel. I remember a couple hour long concerts he did for either HBO or Showtime that were just killer. Speaking softly to gain audience's full attention was simply brilliant... so not Sam Kinnison... who also had a great line... albeit not a one-liner...
    "Move to where the food is... You live in a %#@% desert..."

    Link is Rated R...
    More later,
    Tour...
    Vox Copuli
    Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. - Old English Proverb

    "Death doesn't come with a Uhaul." - Dennis Gardner
    "It's easy to get lost in price vs performance vs ego vs illusion." - doro
    "There is a certain entertainment value in ripping the occaisonal (sic) buttmunch..." - TroyD
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  • maximillian
    maximillian Posts: 2,144
    edited January 2011
    From Dom Irrera:
    What do you call a dog with no legs? ...Nothing, whatever you call him he aint coming.
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  • Big Dawg
    Big Dawg Posts: 2,005
    edited January 2011
    Groucho:

    "The other night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. What he was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know."
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  • Big Dawg
    Big Dawg Posts: 2,005
    edited January 2011
    And, speaking of Steven Wright, one of my favorites from him:

    "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
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  • gdb
    gdb Posts: 6,012
    edited January 2011
    Don,t you have a breath mint, your mouth tastes like a hobo's taint!


    Hank Moody/David Duchovny
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  • Jesse22
    Jesse22 Posts: 60
    edited January 2011
    "I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin."
    -Jim Gaffigan

    Got the pleasure of seeing him perform in Seattle last year, his encore was the hot pocket skit!
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  • ROHfan
    ROHfan Posts: 1,014
    edited January 2011
    "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." --Lewis Black (that whole skit is darn funny)
    TV: 65" Samsung QLED 4K
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  • audiobliss
    audiobliss Posts: 12,518
    edited January 2011
    This thread has got me to watching some Stephen Wright and Mitch Hedberg, etc. Very cool stuff.

    "I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter." - Stephen Wright
    George Grand wrote: »
    Jstas wrote: »
    Simple question. If you had a cool million bucks, what would you do with it?
    Wonder WTF happened to the rest of my money.
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  • Tour2ma
    Tour2ma Posts: 10,177
    edited January 2011
    ^ Another Wright gem... so many of them...
    Big Dawg wrote: »
    "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
    Reminded me of Carlin's "Stuff" bit...
    "Did you ever notice that their stuff is s@#t and your s@#t is stuff?"
    More later,
    Tour...
    Vox Copuli
    Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. - Old English Proverb

    "Death doesn't come with a Uhaul." - Dennis Gardner
    "It's easy to get lost in price vs performance vs ego vs illusion." - doro
    "There is a certain entertainment value in ripping the occaisonal (sic) buttmunch..." - TroyD
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  • treitz3
    treitz3 Posts: 19,004
    edited January 2011
    "I'm not stupids"
    ~ In search of accurate reproduction of music. Real sound is my reference and while perfection may not be attainable? If I chase it, I might just catch excellence. ~
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  • george daniel
    george daniel Posts: 12,096
    edited January 2011
    June to Ward,,, you were a little rough on the Beaver last night,,eh Ward?
    JC approves....he told me so. (F-1 nut)
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  • polrbehr
    polrbehr Posts: 2,830
    edited January 2011
    Once when I was feeling suicidal, I went up to the roof to jump.
    So my family called a priest in to talk to me.

    He said "On your mark..."

    - R.D.
    So, are you willing to put forth a little effort or are you happy sitting in your skeptical poo pile?


    http://audiomilitia.proboards.com/
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  • polrbehr
    polrbehr Posts: 2,830
    edited January 2011
    When I was a kid, my father took me hunting ... he gave me a three minute head start.

    - R.D.
    So, are you willing to put forth a little effort or are you happy sitting in your skeptical poo pile?


    http://audiomilitia.proboards.com/
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  • obieone
    obieone Posts: 5,077
    edited January 2011
    "The other day I was........wait a minute, that wasn't me!":tongue:
    "Ssshhhhhhhhhh..... I'll kill you":eek:
    -Steven Wright
    I refuse to argue with idiots, because people can't tell the DIFFERENCE!
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  • nadams
    nadams Posts: 5,877
    edited January 2011
    "What I'd like to do now.... well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes, and strum it like a harp..... But, that's going to take a while, 'innit?"

    Bill Bailey

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ysx4ajes8d4
    Ludicrous gibs!
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