SHELTER ISLAND - RATED NON-DIRECTOR'S CUT (Showtime Entertainment)

kuntasensei

MPAA Rating: R
Disc/Transfer Information: 480p; Dolby Digital 5.1
Tested Audio Track: Dolby Digital 5.1
Director: Martin Scorsese (under the name Geoffrey Schaff?)
Starring Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ally Sheedy, Patsy Kensit, Chris Penn

Plot Analysis:
The commercials for this movie made it look like it was something about an island mental hospital where cops go to solve a crime, but this movie wasn't about that at all. Perhaps it was the stormy weather that made it look that way. Anyhoo, the movie centers around a **** couple (Sheedy and Kensit) who move to Shelter Island after one of them is attacked. Dicaprio shows up as a near-drowned local who isn't exactly what he seems. As it turns out (SPOILARRRRSS!!!!), he's really the guy who whacked Sheedy with a bat and made them move, and it's some bizarre complicated scheme to get their money.

I want to take a moment to debase myself completely and talk about how hot Patsy Kensit is. And she plays a ****. And while that would be totally hot with anyone other than Ally Sheedy, I couldn't stop thinking about The Breakfast Club, which was just a total turnoff. Way to go, Scorsese! You ruined a perfectly good **** movie! You should have gotten the delightfully sexy and downright delicious Kate Beckinsale. Her body looks ridiculous and her **** redefines amazing.

The best thing about this movie is Dicaprio's performance. He really gave his all for the part, gaining like 80 pounds and growing facial stubble, which made him look remarkably like Stephen Baldwin. You don't see that kind of dedication in many Hollywood actors, and while Scorsese should not receive an Oscar nomination because he totally ruined the **** aspects of this movie, Dicaprio should at least get an honorable mention for looking so damn much like Stephen Baldwin. It's a truly amazing transformation that must be seen to be believed. No... seriously... you have to actually see it. That's the whole point of movies. Stop being a jerk.

VIDEO QUALITY ANALYSIS: HOW DID THE DISC LOOK?
It was an okay disc. It has artwork that shows the stormy weather and the house, but not a sign of Dicaprio or hot lesbians. Not the best looking disc in my collection. I could've done better with Photoshop.

The movie itself looked okay, but man, Scorsese has really lost his touch. The entire production looked very made-for-cable, which I believe could be the reason that he changed his name to Geoffrey Schaff in the credits. I mean, it's not like we don't know it's him... The commercials freakin' say it like 5 times. What's even more bizarre is that this disc was freely available on DVD at the same time as it's in the theater. What kinda' sucker is going to pay theater prices to see a movie they can get on DVD in Wal-Mart's $5 bin? But for a $5 disc, I guess the video quality's passable. I would have been more critical had the lesbians been hotter. Or if it had Kate Beckinsale. Did I mention how hot her **** is? Well, it is... Unrealistically, unbelievably hot.

AUDIO QUALITY ANALYSIS: HOW DID THE DISC SOUND?
When I put it in, it made a spinning sound. And then the movie started, and I couldn't hear it anymore over all the stormy weather and DiCaprio's Stephen Baldwin impersonation. Pretty impressive! It's demo-quality audio at its finest. As per usual, however, I could barely hear the dialogue and there was not enough surround activity.

Do yourself a favor and don't pay money at the theater. Scorsese's latest movie is nothing about a hospital and the **** scenes aren't really that hot. I mean, if you're gonna get a Breakfast Club star to do **** scenes, it should totally be Molly Ringwald. Or maybe Anthony Michael Hall. Don't even bother renting this.

Disc Jockey

That review is worth its own thread.

kuntasensei

You're not supposed to post your thoughts here, DJ. You're supposed to make your own thread for that.

Disc Jockey

I will, but only if you thank me first. And let me be clear, I said thank not spank.

Jstas

xcapri79 wrote: »

Mike should be proud. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!:D
Well done mini-Mikesensei!:p

That would be mockery, not imitation you moron.

kuntasensei

xcapri79 wrote: »

Mike should be proud. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!:D
Well done mini-Mikesensei!:p

Thank you for your opinion, which fortunately does not differ from my own. Glad you enjoyed Shelter Island as much as I did.

F1nut

kuntasensei........good stuff

Face

Osu!