THE joke thread

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  • mlistens03mlistens03 Posts: 2,381
    A robber broke into a house one night, and as he slowly crept throughout the house, he heard some one say, “Jesus is watching you.” He immediately dropped to the floor to avoid being seen. Once nothing happened, he stood up again and looked around. There was a parrot in a cage hanging from the ceiling, who then once again said, “Jesus is watching you.” He chuckled a little bit and then unplugged the homeowners left speaker, when he heard a dog growl from underneath the cage.
    “Sick ‘em, Jesus.”
    Micah

    Main system: Technics SL3200, Shure M97xE, Lafayette LR1100 for tuner, Hagerman Audio Labs Bugle 2 phono stage, NAD C352 integrated, Boston Acoustics VR 2, Boston PV500, generic ICs, and BJC Belden speaker cables.

    Desktop: Dell Precision 690 running iTunes, Yamaha RX-v665, Monitor Audio R90s, Velodyne VA-907, generic ICs and speaker cables.
    I've always thought the goal of high-end audio was not to have your neighbors bang on the wall and say, 'Turn that darn music down' but to have your neighbors bang on the wall and say, 'Tell your friends to go home and you can practice later this week'.
  • mlistens03mlistens03 Posts: 2,381
    3 guys were stuck on an island in the middle of an ocean. They had no food, and no water. Finally, one of them said, “That’s it. I’m swimming back to the mainland.” He proceeded to swim as far as he could. He made it about halfway, got tired, and drowned. Later on, his friend said, “I think I’ll follow him.” He started swimming, made it about halfway there, got tired, and drowned.
    Finally the last guy said, “got nothing to lose. Might as well give it a go.”
    He got in the water, started swimming , got tired around the halfway point, and...
    Swam back.
    Micah

    Main system: Technics SL3200, Shure M97xE, Lafayette LR1100 for tuner, Hagerman Audio Labs Bugle 2 phono stage, NAD C352 integrated, Boston Acoustics VR 2, Boston PV500, generic ICs, and BJC Belden speaker cables.

    Desktop: Dell Precision 690 running iTunes, Yamaha RX-v665, Monitor Audio R90s, Velodyne VA-907, generic ICs and speaker cables.
    I've always thought the goal of high-end audio was not to have your neighbors bang on the wall and say, 'Turn that darn music down' but to have your neighbors bang on the wall and say, 'Tell your friends to go home and you can practice later this week'.
  • warrenwarren Posts: 636
    mlistema03, Thanks for the very funny jokes!
    Some final words,
    "If you keep banging your head against the wall,
    you're going to have headaches."
    Warren
  • mlistens03mlistens03 Posts: 2,381
    warren wrote: »
    mlistema03, Thanks for the very funny jokes!

    You’re welcome. :smile:
    Micah

    Main system: Technics SL3200, Shure M97xE, Lafayette LR1100 for tuner, Hagerman Audio Labs Bugle 2 phono stage, NAD C352 integrated, Boston Acoustics VR 2, Boston PV500, generic ICs, and BJC Belden speaker cables.

    Desktop: Dell Precision 690 running iTunes, Yamaha RX-v665, Monitor Audio R90s, Velodyne VA-907, generic ICs and speaker cables.
    I've always thought the goal of high-end audio was not to have your neighbors bang on the wall and say, 'Turn that darn music down' but to have your neighbors bang on the wall and say, 'Tell your friends to go home and you can practice later this week'.
  • decaldecal Posts: 3,096
    ^^^^^^^^ :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D ^^^^^^^^
    If you can't hear a difference, don't waste your money.
  • NotaSuvNotaSuv Posts: 2,589
    2 pretzels are walking down the street.............one's assaulted


    2 men walk into a bar..... the third one ducks
  • NotaSuvNotaSuv Posts: 2,589
    What's the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

    Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets.
  • NotaSuvNotaSuv Posts: 2,589
    A vicar, doctor and engineer were playing a round of golf. They got to the third tee and were delayed by people still playing the hole.

    The engineer lost his patience, "What's going on? We’ve been here at least 20 minutes!"

    The doctor nodded in agreement.

    The vicar saw the green keeper walking by and shouted to him, "How come that group ahead of us are so slow?”

    The green keeper replied, "Oh, they’re all blind firemen. They all lost their sight pulling school children out of a burning building, so they can play anytime for free.”

    Everyone was silent for a few seconds.

    The vicar finally said, "Oh dear. I’ll be sure to pray for them. Well done on such charitable work good fellow."

    The doctor added, "Yes, well done to you. I’ll make sure they get the best treatment at the eye unit in the hospital too."

    The engineer, arms folded, tapping his feet said, "Ok, but if they’re blind then why can’t they play at night?”
  • NotaSuvNotaSuv Posts: 2,589
    An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each take turn to try and bag it.
    The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.

    The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineering pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he’s ready. He takes aim and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.

    The statistician triumphantly leaps in the air shouting, “We got it!”
  • joecoulsonjoecoulson Posts: 1,497
    The General is doing a hospital visit for the Troops injured in battle.
    He goes up to the first soldier and ask’s “what happened to you son?”
    The soldier replied “Hemorrhoids sir”
    The General winces and asks “sorry to hear soldier, what’s your treatment?”
    Soldier says “well, I have this toothbrush, I dip it in Chloric acid and I scrub my butt”
    The General raises his eyebrows but then asks “what’s your ambition in life?”
    The soldier replies while saluting “to be a good GI sir!”
    The General salutes the man and walks to the next soldier.
    “Whatcha in for son?” Says the General.
    This soldier replies “Venereal disease sir!”
    Again the General winces in slight disgust and asks “what’s the treatment soldier?”
    “Well, I got this toothbrush, I dip it in Chloric acid and I scrub my scabs” says the man
    General says “we’ll ok then! , what’s your ambition in life?”
    “To be a good GI sir!” And salute’s the General
    At this point the General is all choked up and proud as he walks to the next soldier.
    “Whatcha in for son?” He asks
    The next soldier muffles something inaudible to the General. In turn he asks, “speak up soldier can’t hear you?”
    The soldier replies very difficultly “strep throat sir”
    “Ah” said the General “what’s that treatment?”
    “Well sir, I got this toothbrush, I dip it in Chloric acid and I scrub my throat” says the GI
    “That’s good son” replies the General “and what’s your ambition in life?”
    The soldier replies “to get the toothbrush before the other two bas**ds!”
    2ch: PS Audio Stellar Gain pre, 4 x Linn LK240 monoblocks ( bi-amping) Elac Adante AF-61's, SVS SB16 Ultra Subwoofer, Cambridge Audio CXN v2, Rega Planar 2 with upgrades, Vincent PHO 701 Phono pre, Audioquest Niagara 1000, AQ Thunder, AQ XLR's and IC's, Wireworld Stratus and Aurora power cables, Atlas EOS power cable, Denon 2910 (as transport) Sony CPD355 Jukebox cd

    5.1: Marantz sr5003 (feeding mains through HT bypass) Sonus Faber solo center, AQ Carbon HDMI's, Sony XBRx900E, Xbox One S as 4k player, Definitive Technology SM350's surrounds, Tivo Bolt, Harmony Elite remote

    Other gear: Totem Rainmakers (not hooked up) Sonos play 5 and play 1's x 2, Audio Technica TT and Edifier active speakers in kids room, JVC XM448 minidisc rack mount, Sony minidisc walkman, Project Debut III (currently not working), Samsung 46, and 2 x32" tvs, Samsung Soundbar, Okki Nokki LP cleaner, Second Harmony remote setup for bedroom, etc etc
  • Tony MTony M Posts: 6,867
    edited October 2018
  • OleBootOleBoot Posts: 400
    “Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.”
    “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
    “Is it common?”
    “It’s not unusual."

    A man walks into a doctor's surgery, with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
    “What’s the matter with me?” he asked.
    “You’re not eating properly”, replied the doctor.

    A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

    I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream. There was only one thing bothering me,and that was
    her best friend. She was smart, beautiful and sexy, and sometimes flirted with me, which made me uncomfortable.

    One day her friend called me up. She asked me to come over to her place to help with completing the wedding invitation list. So I went. She was alone. When I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was to be married to her best friend, and she had
    feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I married and committed my life to her friend, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock; I couldn't say a word. Then she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come up and join me.

    I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. My girlfriend was standing outside, with tears in her eyes. She hugged me and said, I am very happy; you have passed my little test. I couldn't have asked for a better man as a husband.

    Lesson: Always keep your condoms in the car.



    It is the night before Christmas and everyone is racing home to finish the preparations for the festive season. A woman and a man are involved in a terrible car accident. It's a really bad one - both the cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

    As they crawl out of their cars, the woman says: Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left of them, but fortunately we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

    The woman continues: "And, look at this - another miracle! My car is completely destroyed, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune in surviving the crash and meeting one another".

    Then she hands the bottle of wine to the man. He nods his head in agreement, opens the bottle, drinks half of it, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks: "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies: "No, I think I'll just wait for the police ..."


    So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

    I said "Sure: you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it".


    Three guys are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

    First guy: "I would like someone to say 'He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous'."

    Second guy: "I would like someone to say 'He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners'."

    Third guy: "I would want someone to say 'Look, he's moving'."


    A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?" His mother replied, "Not yet".
    I started out with nothing and have most of it left.
  • Tony MTony M Posts: 6,867
    Marriage in the later stages;
    n5zkm1q1j8lq.png
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • Tony MTony M Posts: 6,867
    edited October 2018
    This made me smile. :D
    It's in that Audioholics link I posted a minute ago about possible speaker's low impendences in the NAD thread.

    If you own speakers and you have ever…
    1) done a smoky burnout in a McDonald’s parking lot;
    2) leaped into a backyard pool from a nearby garage roof;
    3) stood directly in front of the P.A. stacks at a Weezer concert; or
    4) yelled to friends, “Hey, y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”
    …you should probably read this article. You’re the guy most likely to blow up your speakers, and it’s totally your fault.
    “How many watts will my speakers hold??”
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • warrenwarren Posts: 636
    I know consequences when I see them..
    Some final words,
    "If you keep banging your head against the wall,
    you're going to have headaches."
    Warren
  • Tony MTony M Posts: 6,867
    I sure missed a bunch in my life!!! :s :# :'(
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • Tony MTony M Posts: 6,867
    Here's one about getting pulled over that's a little cleaner. :D
    yk5tf9zelk6e.png
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • verbverb Posts: 4,485
    enlfsl30xrwq.png
    Basement: Polk SDA SRS, Rega RP1 TT, VTL 2.5 Preamplifier, Enlightened Audio Designs CD Transport, Northstar Designs DAC, Conrad Johnson MF2300A Amp, Furman 15PFi Power Conditioner, Wireworld Oasis 8 RCA IC's, MIT Terminator2 Bi-Wire speaker cables
    Office: PC, Marantz CD-1 transport, Marantz AMP-1, Acoustic Technologies Classic Speakers, SVS SB12 Plus Subwoofer, MIT AVt2 speaker cables, IFI Purifier2, AQ Cinnamon USB cable
    Spare Room: Dayens Ampino Integrated, Tjoeb 99 tube CD player (modified Marantz CD-38), Project BoxE Bluetooth Streamer, Polk TSi200's
    Living Room: Pioneer SX-N30 Network Receiver, Pioneer PD10AE CD Player, Furman M8-LX Power Conditioner, Polk RT265 In Wall Speakers, Polk DSW Pro 660wi Subwoofer
  • verbverb Posts: 4,485
    A man was riding on a full bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

    The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

    Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here"

    A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid, make up your mind, I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
    Basement: Polk SDA SRS, Rega RP1 TT, VTL 2.5 Preamplifier, Enlightened Audio Designs CD Transport, Northstar Designs DAC, Conrad Johnson MF2300A Amp, Furman 15PFi Power Conditioner, Wireworld Oasis 8 RCA IC's, MIT Terminator2 Bi-Wire speaker cables
    Office: PC, Marantz CD-1 transport, Marantz AMP-1, Acoustic Technologies Classic Speakers, SVS SB12 Plus Subwoofer, MIT AVt2 speaker cables, IFI Purifier2, AQ Cinnamon USB cable
    Spare Room: Dayens Ampino Integrated, Tjoeb 99 tube CD player (modified Marantz CD-38), Project BoxE Bluetooth Streamer, Polk TSi200's
    Living Room: Pioneer SX-N30 Network Receiver, Pioneer PD10AE CD Player, Furman M8-LX Power Conditioner, Polk RT265 In Wall Speakers, Polk DSW Pro 660wi Subwoofer
  • joecoulsonjoecoulson Posts: 1,497
    Lmao!!
    2ch: PS Audio Stellar Gain pre, 4 x Linn LK240 monoblocks ( bi-amping) Elac Adante AF-61's, SVS SB16 Ultra Subwoofer, Cambridge Audio CXN v2, Rega Planar 2 with upgrades, Vincent PHO 701 Phono pre, Audioquest Niagara 1000, AQ Thunder, AQ XLR's and IC's, Wireworld Stratus and Aurora power cables, Atlas EOS power cable, Denon 2910 (as transport) Sony CPD355 Jukebox cd

    5.1: Marantz sr5003 (feeding mains through HT bypass) Sonus Faber solo center, AQ Carbon HDMI's, Sony XBRx900E, Xbox One S as 4k player, Definitive Technology SM350's surrounds, Tivo Bolt, Harmony Elite remote

    Other gear: Totem Rainmakers (not hooked up) Sonos play 5 and play 1's x 2, Audio Technica TT and Edifier active speakers in kids room, JVC XM448 minidisc rack mount, Sony minidisc walkman, Project Debut III (currently not working), Samsung 46, and 2 x32" tvs, Samsung Soundbar, Okki Nokki LP cleaner, Second Harmony remote setup for bedroom, etc etc
  • nooshinjohnnooshinjohn Posts: 18,960
    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
    'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

    For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box '

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
    The Gear... Carver "Statement" Mono-blocks, TriangleArt Reference SE with Pass Labs Xono Phono Preamp, Walker Precision Motor Drive, ClearAudio Stradivari v2 cartridge and Origin Conquerer Mk3c tonearm, Polk Audio "Signature" Reference Series 1.2TL with complete mods, Pass Labs X1 preamplifier Signed by Poppa himself, PS Audio PerfectWave DAC MkII, Pioneer Elite SC-65, Oppo UDP-205 4K Blu-ray player, Sony XBR70x850B 4k, Polk audio AB700/800 "in-wall" surrounds



    Saying that it's "too hard" to pursue your dreams is no different than admitting to yourself that you are too lazy to achieve them.

  • nooshinjohnnooshinjohn Posts: 18,960
    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

    'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

    The priest thought long and hard and then said,
    'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.
    The Gear... Carver "Statement" Mono-blocks, TriangleArt Reference SE with Pass Labs Xono Phono Preamp, Walker Precision Motor Drive, ClearAudio Stradivari v2 cartridge and Origin Conquerer Mk3c tonearm, Polk Audio "Signature" Reference Series 1.2TL with complete mods, Pass Labs X1 preamplifier Signed by Poppa himself, PS Audio PerfectWave DAC MkII, Pioneer Elite SC-65, Oppo UDP-205 4K Blu-ray player, Sony XBR70x850B 4k, Polk audio AB700/800 "in-wall" surrounds



    Saying that it's "too hard" to pursue your dreams is no different than admitting to yourself that you are too lazy to achieve them.

  • verbverb Posts: 4,485
    A married couple were sitting at a table at a high school reunion, curiously, she kept
    staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

    I asked her, "Do you know him?"

    "Yes",she sighed,

    "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split
    up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

    "My Gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
    that long?" :smile:
    Basement: Polk SDA SRS, Rega RP1 TT, VTL 2.5 Preamplifier, Enlightened Audio Designs CD Transport, Northstar Designs DAC, Conrad Johnson MF2300A Amp, Furman 15PFi Power Conditioner, Wireworld Oasis 8 RCA IC's, MIT Terminator2 Bi-Wire speaker cables
    Office: PC, Marantz CD-1 transport, Marantz AMP-1, Acoustic Technologies Classic Speakers, SVS SB12 Plus Subwoofer, MIT AVt2 speaker cables, IFI Purifier2, AQ Cinnamon USB cable
    Spare Room: Dayens Ampino Integrated, Tjoeb 99 tube CD player (modified Marantz CD-38), Project BoxE Bluetooth Streamer, Polk TSi200's
    Living Room: Pioneer SX-N30 Network Receiver, Pioneer PD10AE CD Player, Furman M8-LX Power Conditioner, Polk RT265 In Wall Speakers, Polk DSW Pro 660wi Subwoofer
  • Tony MTony M Posts: 6,867
    7mlzpaz0ms2i.png
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • Tony MTony M Posts: 6,867
    p0j6nvqj37zz.png
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
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