THE joke thread

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  • Tony MTony M Posts: 6,867
    edited May 2018
    My neighbor back in the day when he drank a lot, woke up on Wrightsville Ave. in the ditch. It wasn't as busy as it is now but it's something to wake up in a different street's ditch about 1/2 mile from home.

    I'll bet a lot of people wake up in their yards the next day.

    But...Brut33? :s :#
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • voltzvoltz Posts: 5,009
    edited May 2018
    It was a joke a Comedian told, was just sharing it :p

    He said The last Time I drank Tequila I felt something warm on my shoulders. When I looked up it was the Floor!
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  • Msabot1Msabot1 Posts: 2,114
    A young woman was invited to her new boyfriends parents home for Thanksgiving..
    After a few drinks and introductions all sat down to a very well prepared elegant meal...
    Because of the tension of the moment..or too much green bean casserole..her guts began to cramp..She decided to try too sneak one out for relief...
    It worked..but made an audible noise..
    The head of the house looked at the poor dog lying on the floor and yelled..SKIPPY!
    A few minutes ticked by and the need arose again..this time not only was there an audible noise,but a stale smell arose around the dinner table...
    The head of the house once again yelled SKIPPY...only to add..You had better get up and move before she prapps all over you...
    I'm wagering that she won't be there for Christmas dinner....

  • verbverb Posts: 4,485
    Engineer humor! :smile:
    ckwl1vgxeh2z.png
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  • nooshinjohnnooshinjohn Posts: 18,960
    edited May 2018
    An old beggar rummaging through the garbage out in the countryside finally found the good fortune that seemed to slip past him every time he got close. Sleeping inside an empty burlap sack was a Leprechaun, and he was not about to let him out of his sight...

    “I gotcha!” The man loudly proclaimed, And don’t try and trick me cause I ain’t letting you out of my sight. Hand over your pot o gold!”

    The pointy-eared little guy was aghast. “What kind of leprechaun do you think I am?” he replied.

    “Don’t take me for a fool little man, everybody knows about leprechauns and their gold, now hand it over.”

    “Heheheheheeeeee” The leprechaun squealed, “I have no gold, for I am the three wishes kind. What do you desire for your first wish, but remember, your worst enemy will get exactly double what I grant you... now what will it be.”

    “Well, my worst enemy is a rat bastage by the name of Lightman”, the old man said, “but sure, I will take you up on your little offer. For my first wish, I would like a 15 room mansion filled with treasure.”

    A blinding flash of light and there it was, and fifteen room mansion filled wish gold and cash, and a second later, a second, thirty room mansion right next door, filled with exactly double the wealth.

    “For my second wish” the old man began, “I would like ten of the most beautiful women in the world”, and with a puff of smoke thirty incredibly beautiful women appeared and ten walked over to the side of the old man, while the rest sauntered over and stood next to a shocked and humbled Lightman.

    Lightman walked over to the old man and gave him a big hug and thanked him for his generosity. “I never thought you liked me, in fact, I thought you hated me. What are you going to do with your last wish?” He inquired.

    “Mister leprechaun, for my last wish, I would like you to reduce my sex drive by fifty percent.”....

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    Saying that it's "too hard" to pursue your dreams is no different than admitting to yourself that you are too lazy to achieve them.

  • lightman1lightman1 Posts: 10,007
    Damn your eyes, John! :D :D
  • Msabot1Msabot1 Posts: 2,114
    verb wrote: »
    Engineer humor! :smile:
    ckwl1vgxeh2z.png

    Oooppppsss....someone's slide rule is a bit off...LMFAO!..
  • tonybtonyb Posts: 30,397
    I call B.S. on that pic. No engineer/bridge company would build to that last stage before going "oops". The supports don't even line up, and your going to lay the iron work ? Photo shopped for humor, and funny it is.

    Wouldn't mind trying that jump though in a car....for the fun of it.
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  • warrenwarren Posts: 636
    Funny it is,,,,,
    Some final words,
    "If you keep banging your head against the wall,
    you're going to have headaches."
    Warren
  • Tony MTony M Posts: 6,867
    M.C.Escher;
    k4c9i167vstp.png
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • Msabot1Msabot1 Posts: 2,114
    tonyb wrote: »
    I call B.S. on that pic. No engineer/bridge company would build to that last stage before going "oops". The supports don't even line up, and your going to lay the iron work ? Photo shopped for humor, and funny it is.

    Wouldn't mind trying that jump though in a car....for the fun of it.

    Even funnier is them scratching their heads and asking...'Now What Do We Do?'
  • teekay0007teekay0007 Posts: 2,069
    edited May 2018
    verb wrote: »
    Engineer humor! :smile:
    ckwl1vgxeh2z.png

    Isn't that Russ (Lightman1) up there in the blue jacket? No worries....everything will be fixed by noon tomorrow!
  • lightman1lightman1 Posts: 10,007
    teekay0007 wrote: »
    verb wrote: »
    Engineer humor! :smile:
    ckwl1vgxeh2z.png

    Isn't that Russ (Lightman1) up there in the blue jacket? No worries....everything will be fixed by noon tomorrow!

    Yup. Trying to figure where to mount the lighting masts. Good eye!
  • daddyjtdaddyjt Posts: 653
    Is it normal to have posts in this thread disappear? I posted humorous (I thought) meme earlier, only to see it gone now... It contained no offensive words or graphic images, yet it's gone...?
    Too much stuff to keep track of.

    Currently enjoying: Legacy Focus 20/20, McCormack DNA 225, Bill D C1, Oppo 105
  • txcoastal1txcoastal1 Posts: 10,167
    daddyjt wrote: »
    Is it normal to have posts in this thread disappear? I posted humorous (I thought) meme earlier, only to see it gone now... It contained no offensive words or graphic images, yet it's gone...?

    It was somewhat political
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  • daddyjtdaddyjt Posts: 653
    txcoastal1 wrote: »
    daddyjt wrote: »
    Is it normal to have posts in this thread disappear? I posted humorous (I thought) meme earlier, only to see it gone now... It contained no offensive words or graphic images, yet it's gone...?

    It was somewhat political

    Noted - Thanks for the explanation.

    My sincere apologies to anyone that may have been offended.
    Too much stuff to keep track of.

    Currently enjoying: Legacy Focus 20/20, McCormack DNA 225, Bill D C1, Oppo 105
  • Mikey081057Mikey081057 Posts: 5,703
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  • verbverb Posts: 4,485
    A classic! :smile:
    u4fbfi075eft.png
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  • Tony MTony M Posts: 6,867
    ^^^^^^^^^^^ I don't get it. :/
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • warrenwarren Posts: 636
    Pies vs clowns when they get together its a mess, me thinks
    Some final words,
    "If you keep banging your head against the wall,
    you're going to have headaches."
    Warren
  • PSOVLSKPSOVLSK Posts: 3,814
    daddyjt wrote: »
    Is it normal to have posts in this thread disappear? I posted humorous (I thought) meme earlier, only to see it gone now... It contained no offensive words or graphic images, yet it's gone...?

    FWIW, I thought it was hilarious.
    Things work out best for those who make the best of the way things work out.-John Wooden
  • nooshinjohnnooshinjohn Posts: 18,960
    edited May 2018
    A drunk throws open the doors to a church and stumbles his way straight to a row of stalls lined up along the far wall and closes the door. The priest waits a moment for the man to begin to offer his confession, but he hears nothing.

    The priest gently taps the partition and still he hears nothing. “Are you alright my son” he says gently to the man, and gets no response. Several minutes go by and the priest knocks upon the partition once again.

    “Knocking won’t do you any good, and talkin’ about it won’t help one bit” the drunk finally stammers, “I got no toilet paper over here either.”
    Post edited by nooshinjohn on
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    Saying that it's "too hard" to pursue your dreams is no different than admitting to yourself that you are too lazy to achieve them.

  • nooshinjohnnooshinjohn Posts: 18,960
    edited May 2018
    A nun wakes up just a touch before the dawn, opens a door and walks down a long, dimly lit corridor. Another nun sees her and says "looks Like you got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

    As she makes her was down the hall, another nun says the same thing, and then another... fifteen times it happens. As yet another opens her mouth to speak, the nun shouts at the sister and says "DON"T TELL ME I GOT OUT OF THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING!!!"

    "No Sister", the other nun replied, "I was just going to ask you why you were wearing the Bishop's shoes."



    The Gear... Carver "Statement" Mono-blocks, TriangleArt Reference SE with Pass Labs Xono Phono Preamp, Walker Precision Motor Drive, ClearAudio Stradivari v2 cartridge and Origin Conquerer Mk3c tonearm, Polk Audio "Signature" Reference Series 1.2TL with complete mods, Pass Labs X1 preamplifier Signed by Poppa himself, PS Audio PerfectWave DAC MkII, Pioneer Elite SC-65, Oppo UDP-205 4K Blu-ray player, Sony XBR70x850B 4k, Polk audio AB700/800 "in-wall" surrounds



    Saying that it's "too hard" to pursue your dreams is no different than admitting to yourself that you are too lazy to achieve them.

  • nooshinjohnnooshinjohn Posts: 18,960
    People are always looking to the future... they will read tea leaves, Tarot Cards or gaze upon the stars. Some even visit fortune tellers.

    There was a man so worried about tomorrow, and deeply concerned if he would make it into Heaven. He went to a fortune teller and said "I want to know if I have done enough good with my life that I will find the gates of heaven opened to me."

    "Cross my palm with gold." she replied, and the man did so. She began to chant softly as she gazed intently into her crystal ball. Ancient symbols and images flashed from within, then suddenly vanished into the ether.


    She spoke, "yes my dear, heaven awaits you upon your passing, but there is just one more thing".


    "What...What???" he asked quizzically.


    "You will be going there at 3:45 this afternoon."
    The Gear... Carver "Statement" Mono-blocks, TriangleArt Reference SE with Pass Labs Xono Phono Preamp, Walker Precision Motor Drive, ClearAudio Stradivari v2 cartridge and Origin Conquerer Mk3c tonearm, Polk Audio "Signature" Reference Series 1.2TL with complete mods, Pass Labs X1 preamplifier Signed by Poppa himself, PS Audio PerfectWave DAC MkII, Pioneer Elite SC-65, Oppo UDP-205 4K Blu-ray player, Sony XBR70x850B 4k, Polk audio AB700/800 "in-wall" surrounds



    Saying that it's "too hard" to pursue your dreams is no different than admitting to yourself that you are too lazy to achieve them.

  • Tony MTony M Posts: 6,867
    ja06nupfmkqb.png
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • Tony MTony M Posts: 6,867
    edited June 2018
    ...
    Most people just listen to music and watch movies. I EXPERIENCE them.
  • warrenwarren Posts: 636
    Good one!
    Some final words,
    "If you keep banging your head against the wall,
    you're going to have headaches."
    Warren
  • Viking64Viking64 Posts: 3,682
    That reminds me of this one. :p

    A man and a 10-year-old boy are walking into the woods one night. An owl starts hooting, then the wind starts howling, and then the thunder starts rumbling.

    The little boy says: "I'm scared!"

    The man responds: "You're scared? I have to walk back alone!"
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